How do you handle VERY long distance grandparenting?

Our only child and his family lived within a 45-minute drive from us for 10 years. We got to see them once a month, sometimes not even that often; but we were at least a part of their physical lives, and the kids obviously enjoyed being with us. They also greatly enjoyed our extended family, all of whom live nearby.

Out of the blue, 2 years ago they suddenly announced that they were moving 7000 miles away to her home country (where she was born and raised and where her parents and family live). Our dil frequently reminisced about growing up in her country in Eastern Europe (which she made no bones about preferring to the USA). But we had absolutely no idea that they had any plans to actually leave. In fact, they never even hinted at it.

Though they spent every summer with her family in Eastern Europe, and though her parents came to live with them here for 3-6 months/year, they never mentioned that they were considering moving there permanently. In fact, our last conversation with them prior to the announcement was a discussion of which local middle school their oldest was going to attend!

It's like having an unplanned operation, where an essential part of your body is removed and you're forced to adjust to the trauma. I'm not adjusting.

Our son and his wife and children have absolutely no idea how I feel--we try to be as upbeat as possible when Skyping, etc., which, imo, is not at all a substitute for live interaction...in fact, often I feel worse afterwards. To me, Skyping is like showing a thirsty man a picture of a glass of water. It not only doesn't quench your thirst, it makes you even more aware of your thirst.

We are semi-retired and on a fixed income, so we can only afford to travel 1/x year and even that is extremely difficult for us, as we are in our late 70s. Not to mention the fact that where they are living is not exactly a place where we feel comfortable -- the language is nearly impossible to learn, and the city in which they live is lovely and impressive for a few days of tourism, but not for grandparents visiting more than once or twice.

Yes, I've tried therapy. And meditation. And medication. I'm healthy, eat right, physically active, etc., etc. I'm also the kind of person that most people consider upbeat, cheerful, etc. -- i.e., I'm not a glass half full person. But I'm just not healing from this.

Sorry for the rant, but I just got off the phone (Skype) with them, and I'm once again blown out of the water.

Im sorry you feel the way you do, i am also a long distance grandma but despite the fact of wishing things were different and I saw more of them, I accept the fact that it is what it is. We video call every weekend and i sew things ( crafts ) and send them all out to them in exciting parcels from grandma.

My son and daughter-in-law send me videos of my GC excitedly opening them, maybe you could do.something like that?

Try to look on the positive opposed to the negative and build around that.

💐

Hello I totally understand this is going to happen to us and we are devastated 😢
I can’t explain the emotions I have had I’m the last week that we found out … empty lost … anticipatory grief of sorts .. its crushing …

Do you just have the one child, if so have you thought about moving to Oz yourselves? Or maybe a 6 month there, then 6 month home kind if situation?

We don't stay with our distant families. We stay nearby so they (and we) have a more relaxed visit.
We also take days off from seeing them to give them a break (and a chance to moan about us if they want to)!

We love each other but it reduces stress all round to have breaks.

I like hearing from those of you who've been doing this awhile and now have older grandkids, that despite being distant grandparents you've forged meaningful relationships where grandkids are actively participating. That really makes me feel better!! I know that technology has made communicating long distance so much better than it was for our parents. I am very thankful. I am truly happy for my son and DL. They have great jobs, the boys have incredible educational opportunities in AU, they have a beautiful home and things to do in Canberra. My DL's family live nearby and assist in babysitting. I admit that has been a little hard for me - jealousy I guess - but I'm happy they have that resource.

Thanks for all of your support and suggestions!! It's making me tear up just knowing others in the same situation as myself. FYI - my husband and I are being brave and encouraging about everything with our son and DL. It's just with you here at the forum that I'm expressing my dismay - which feels wonderfully good to have a place to do this. Our grandsons are only 3 and 6 and way too active to read books on WhatsApp together but we "play" with little cars and dinosaurs which they find fun. The older boy is starting to share more about his daily activities which is wonderful. We send holiday and birthday cards and order gifts on Amazon AU for them (a savings since mailing ourselves is horribly expensive USA to AU). I really like the idea of doing an Airbnb to extend visits when we get to AU again - hadn't thought of that. Thanks!!

Thanks so much Polomint. I will check out that thread for long distance grandparents. I'm new here so still getting the hang of this forum.

65KL and Bonnybanko have good advice here Bella. Facetime is great, and most children love getting mail or small gifts through the post. It's comparatively simple now to stay in contact with my family in Scandinavia . When my daughter and son in law were in NZ twenty years ago it was much more difficult. Courage mon brave !

There's a thread in the Grandparents forum to support parents and GP's with children and GC living abroad Bella. It may be an idea to take a look.

I message my grandchildren every week but then they are grown up I also FaceTime them as often so they can see me, it seems to work well because they reciprocate just as often I only see each of them about twice a year so that has to comfort me in my relationship with all six of my grandchildren. I occassionally send them small gifts too at birthdays and Christmas

If your able to go longer than 2 weeks I would recommend getting a airb&b or if that's not financially viable try a house sitting site ( I knew someone who lived house to house for a few years looking after people's pets etc while they were away ) then you can still be around for a bit longer but having a bit extra space from each other .
It's hard , but I remind myself that they are happy healthy and enjoying life , and that's all I really want for them .
We share a good relationship even though alot of that is via technology and old fashioned mail ( kids love recieving things in mail )
I am blessed to have all that.

Like Nansnet we moved away from my home country taking my little family with us - my mother and father were SO brave and generous and encouraging and although they hated us leaving they were definitely excited for us for our new opportunities.... I am deeply grateful to them for their selflessness and love... Letting go is truly that, a gift of love.

Now I must let go of my son all over again it feels - they have relocated to Asia - from an 11 hour flight to a much longer journey - the last time they made the journey to the UK was 33 hours.

I will give a "shout out" to WhatsApp which I love - older grandchildren contact me directly now - sending all sorts - jokes, newspaper articles and little videos to show me what they are doing - and their artwork and photos.

Yes it's tough - but you can do it Bella.
We do understand the upset.

BTW, my daughter and son-in-law and 3 children also left the UK (part of the Brexit brain-drain to Europe)... That of course was near enough to play-tag with the other grandmother when the toddler was in ICU. Whereas I couldn't get to see my son for days when he had ICU treatment in America post covid- and the long-distance- stress is immense when you are "too far" away and something goes wrong.

Obviously if things are badly wrong (like ICU) logic tells us we can't actually do anything - but the distance makes your stomach churn even more - and the need to see your loved one with your own eyes is completely all consuming.

They believe they will have a better life Bella - and they probably will.
They may or may not stay there.
The world is smaller now.
Take comfort that you helped grow this adventurous spirit and they are benefitting from your love.

I've been on both sides of this coin. My DH and I left the UK many years ago when our children were 3 and 7. Needless to say, both sets of GPs were heartbroken. This was back in the days before technology, so it was just occasional phone calls, cards and letters. However, they did manage to get out to visit us for a few holidays, and wonderful memories were made. I'm glad to say that our parents and children always managed to keep a good connection, and they grew up to have very close relationships with them, regardless of the very long distance between them. When our children went back to the UK to go to university, the GPs were overjoyed to have them visit for occasional weekends, and always made a huge fuss of them. My DD ended up staying in the UK.

Fast forward a few years, and my DS and DiL found their career paths taking them far away from us, and we now have two GDs, one born during Covid, who we didn't get to meet for a couple of years! Thank goodness for FaceTime! They have recently relocated back to the country where we live, so we are lucky to have become full-on GPs for the first time. However, this will only last until my DH retires, when we plan to return to the UK. We're looking forward to the retirement, but obviously it will be a massive wrench to leave behind our DS and his family, now we're used to having them close by.

However, it'll be another new chapter in our lives. DD is in the UK with her fiance, and they may one day have a child of their own, another GC for us. We'll never be able to be in two places at once, so we have make the best of it, and be happy that our adult children have good jobs, and happy lives, and our GCs are happy. The world is getting smaller, and technology is good. It's just a different way of grand parenting that we have to get used to.

It's OK for you to be sad. I will be too when we leave to go back to UK. But it's something we have to deal with. When I think back to when we left the UK all those years ago, and left behind the grandparents, I understand now exactly how they felt. But they got through it, and it was far more difficult for them all those years ago to keep in contact, unlike how it is for us these days. So, just try your best to be happy for them, and enjoy the rare times that you are able to get together with them all. Make those times special, because your children, and your grandchildren, will always remember those times and have a connection, and a good relationship with you, albeit one from afar.

My son has lived 5000 miles away for over 12 years, in his wife’s native country. Their son was born in 2021 and they all came here for a month last summer, the first time meeting my grandson in person. It was wonderful. It’s pretty unlikely I’ll ever go to visit them, for practical and financial reasons, and it may be another couple of years before they’re able to come here again.

How lucky we are to have WhatsApp video calls and FaceTime (and Skype?) so faces and voices are familiar. Thirty years ago we’d only have had phone calls, sixty years ago my parents didn’t have a phone, it would have meant waiting for a letter to arrive. Look for pluses and concentrate on encouraging and congratulating the whole family, with your blessing and joy, instead of focusing on feeling sorry for yourself!

I think first you have to grieve in a way - accept that the grandparent fantasy you had isn’t going to be reality. It’s okay to find that sad but in the end your best bet is to find a way to accept it. FaceTime is wonderful. Perhaps you could do things like
Read a picture book to them , where you send them the book as well so you’re reading “together “ etc. but then focus on filling this physical contact void in your own life. Perhaps you could get involved with volunteering for a cause you cherish , etc

Hibella3092 I'm in same position as yourself and there are many gransnetters who are in the same boat so to speak. If you go on to grandparenting there is a thread for support for grandparents whose children have moved abroad. Hope to see you on that thread