Unkind friend

I'm guessing she felt you'd overstepped a boundary. Yes they asked for you advice, which you gave. Not unreasonable to ask how's she doing, any progress? But that's as far as you needed to go. Regardless of you giving advice doesn't mean they should feel obligated to tell you what's happening within the divorce. Pretty intense stuff to be discussing, especially with your husband there. So in this instance you misread the room I think, and she overreacted by getting angry instead of just saying she really didn't want to talk about it and changing the subject.

That’s sad to read & uncalled for , though my first thought was that maybe it was because your DH was present . Perhaps she felt it was insensitive or inappropriate for you to mention in front of him .
I have found over the years that it’s a strange old world & you never really know people .
I hope that you don’t feel too bad over it though .

buffyfly9

You say this friend has behaved in a rude and unkind way before. My take on this is that you were asked by your friend to give professional and free advice to her niece, which you have done. As you were involved I don't think it was unreasonable to ask the subject of the court hearing, you were not asking for precise details! Your friend sounds rather volatile; if she objected to your kind enquiry she could have explained herself. If it were me I would withdraw quietly from the friendship and let her make the first move.

I agree. If there’s to be any apology it should be from your friend.

I wonder if she is like this with other people because I have a very old friend who says things to me which I suspect she doesn’t to anyone else. She occasionally speaks to me as if we are still 8 years old. As it is such a long friendship perhaps you could chat it over, however don’t accept this behaviour again.

How rude! As you say, she’s done this before. I wouldn’t bother with her again unless she apologises and even then keep her at arms length. She was quick enough to ask for free advice wasn’t she.

You obviously touched a raw nerve, if it’s a long term friendship that I enjoyed I would phone her and apologize for being nosy, which will clear the air.

We all have bad days, she may regret being snappy, at least give her the opportunity to continue the friendship.

Apologies, I meant to say perhaps-s your advice wasn’t subsequently seen as helpful

Well maybe the divorce hadn’t gone well and she just didn’t want to be reminded at a social lunch she shouldn’t have snapped, so in a way you re even
I d really put it behind you but of course if it happens again…. well

I try to keep advice based on my professional experience separate from social gatherings. We don’t know what’s happened since your planned meeting with the niece, it may all be very difficult. It’s possible on reflection your advice wasn’t helpful . Given this long friendship, I’d be inclined to let this go and never ask about the niece again,

For clarification my husband wasn’t there / he had gone to pay the bill. I was very understanding of my friend not wanting to tell me - it was the way it was delivered

Also for clarification my husband was not there at the time …

Can any of you help with my hurt feelings?

I expect your friend is feeling pretty upset too especially if her niece is going through a possibly traumatic divorce.

I think you should put your hurt feelings aside and phone her to apologise, perhaps in a week or two.

Personally I think it was out of line to bring it up over a lunch with others (husband) present
I m sure if she had been a paying customer it would not have been professional to ask while in a casual setting so surely the same rules must exist
Confidentiality is so important I use to work as a volunteer so non paying too but I would never have asked any information of a relative even if they had been present originally I would have been very aware of the cross over it, just isn’t done
However I also think her reaction was extreme she should have just said I don’t want to discuss it, full stop

Sorry, but I think you acted unprofessionally.

Advising her niece about her divorce was one thing but then enquiring of her aunt on a social occasion, when your husband was there too, about the niece's financial matters was the wrong thing to do.

Perhaps you could phone and apologise, saying you were out of order and hope all is well with the niece.

It was a casual enquiry, not the op expecting a run down of how much each party was expecting to get.

but you were asking about her situation in front of your husband, who was not privy to the advice session.

An unnecessary unkind reaction from your friend to a genuine enquiry, having given up your time to offer free professional advice when it was asked for. I can understand you feeling hurt, and wouldn’t contact her. Hopefully, she’ll realise and call you to apologise for her rudeness.

I've just seen that the friend was actually present when the OP gave her free and professional advice so all three of them were privy to what was discussed. No need then for the friend to be downright rude and aggressive. I would have given her a piece of my mind.

I don't see any reason to be rude, stressed or not.
If we all carried on like that there would be punch ups left, right and centre.

Yes Bluebell, I've looked back at the posts and I had, as you say, assumed it was free advice.
I would only say that as a long standing friend she could have politely told the OP that for various reasons she didn't want to discuss it but thank her for asking. I think it is the bluntness of the response that upset the OP and I would have felt the same. I hope it blows over and tacitly both agree that it is never spoken of again.!

Hi Bluebell - it was free advice ( of course ( I would never ask for payment as it was a friends niece / also happy to help ) for clarity my friend was there . So no question I divulged any info / also it was a general ‘ how is she ‘ etc and professional interest as a follow up . I have known her since we were 11 years old, so a very long history between us…

The finances are none of your business, get over it.

Totally agree Cabbie that’s my take on the problem too

Sorry, but I think it was inappropriate to ask such a specific question. You had helped the niece in a professional capacity, whether paid or unpaid, and should not have pursued the subject with her aunt.

You could either apologise and see how she reacts, or, better , in my opinion, wait for your friend to contact you. It would be a shame for a long-term friendship to flounder over this, but it might. There is always a risk when mixing business with pleasure, as it were.

Yes buffyfly - I’m thinking of just withdrawing quietly. We will see each other as we’re in the same choir. So I’ll leave any further approaches to her at the time. I don’t bear grudges but at the same time I don’t want to at the end of her unkindness. I probably needed to have told her that at the time - but I was taken aback . Thx for your thoughts xx