Unkind friend

You poor thing, especially as your opinion was sought. Maybe she is looking just to vent her anger at the situation, which is very short-sighted of her. She will lose a valuable friend in you, and it is her loss.
I have had friendships with people, at work, and often thought they would be in my life for a long time. But they weren't as invested as I thought, and they never bothered keeping in touch, even though I suggested places and times to meet up. It's very hurtful, but best to let it lie, and cherish your family and the true friends in your life.

Perhaps asking about finances was a bit intrusive or rather taken by her as intrusive although I realise you didn’t necessarily mean it that way
If she’s a very old friend it seems a shame to break up the relationship over something that’s not part of your link I d just give it time
She’s not going to ring to apologise as it was something you said that upset her so she’s probably thinking you should apologise and so it goes on
I don’t think you can judge she feels no affection towards you just because she didn’t want to divulge some stuff although I think she should have just said “ sorry but it not my problem to talk about” and gone on to another subject
Let it all calm down and put it behind you

I think you were both in the wrong in a way but that shouldn’t spoil a strong friendship

You touched a sore spot without meaning to. Sounds like something isn’t quite right with the situation. Very unpleasant for you. I think I would forgive friend for now but be very wary in the future.

I think you have every right to feel aggrieved. You gave your time willingly to help and therefore, it’s only natural you asked her how it was going. She had no right to snap at you and if she has behaved like this before it’s time you made it clear you’re no longer willing to tolerate such behaviour.

If she contacts you again tell her how you feel.

Yes probably a situation your friend is worried/upset about. Maybe you could have said I hope it all goes well instead of mentioning finances.

Give her the benefit of the doubt if it is a long term friendship?
Sorry you feel sad.

If it was a one-off situation, I think it could be perhaps excused a little.
A situation that had caused her upset and she was perhaps feeling very raw about it / mention of finances which again for some people can be viewed as personal.
Could it also have been because your husband was present?

However you did say she's behaved like this before...so perhaps it's better to put some strong boundaries around that friendship?

Your friend obviously found the finance question a bit too intrusive, that was clear. I would know if something I said got such a reaction from a friend and would immediately apologise.

Thanks for your kind words. They really mean a lot x

If you are a divorce mediator you know how the divorce process usually works. Your friend might not be so well informed and maybe irritated by it. She might not be up to date with how her niece's divorce is going so far. You probably just asked a question she does not know the answer too and you caught her on a bad day.
Don’t let it ruin a long friendship it’s not worth the upset is it really? Be yourself keep in touch and if the subject comes up again just listen to what your friend has to say.

Ok fair enough. But I was asked to give advice initially and spent some hours with her niece going over all issues. Because I have knowledge of court proceedings I didnt ask for any financial details as I already knew them .. it was a concerned enquiry and obviously not a welcome one . I think she could have told me in a different way she didn’t want to discuss the matter . It was the unkind way I was spoken to.

I suppose you have a few choices:

Key question to ask yourself "Regardless of this incident do you still actually Want to continue friendship? Is it a pleasure or a burden?"

Depending in tour answer to that a few choices to consider:

1. Stop making contact; probably end of friendship. (think about what you will do if she contacts you)

2. Speak to her about incident ascin "I realise you were annoyed with me asking about finance. Can I ask why that annoyed you?" ..this givescyiu gge context to her upset rather than second guessing... depending on her reply:
" I can see you felt it wasnt my business. It isnt ofcourse. Having advised * last year I do care and that is why I wondered. I'm sorry that it upset you!"

" I understand the financial side is a problem. I'm sorry to hear that and sorry my question upset you"

"I'm sorry you feel like that!"

3. Carry on seeing her and dont refer to incident again and dont ask about relative

Good luck

I think that if you spent time with the niece that whatever was said should be confidential.. therefore asking your friend questions about her niece's situation wasn't appropriate and she has every right to be annoyed.. apology needed

As your question obviously upset her I would apologise and not mention the niece again.
She was either upset that you knew so much about her nieces situation, or that you were talking about a confidential conversation that you had with her niece.
Either way an apology should settle the problem.

Maybe the. legal proceedings of the divorce didn't go the way the niece had hoped they would and she and her aunt hold you responsible in some way........some folk are like that.
You asked politely and got a snappy reply........I think the ball is in your friends court and in your position I would'nt pursue the friendship any further.

I suspect that when your friend asked you to advise her niece,she was hoping what you said would somehow mean that the couple would make everything up and decide not to divorce, instead the divorce is going ahead, she is upset and doesn't want to talk about it.

People also get angry because they feel defensive about things, that she perhaps suggested to someone that your involvement might help and it didn't and they feel defensive about that.

You say that she has acted this way before, so it was hardly unexpected. For all of us, we tend to like our friends, despite their funny little ways, we just have to decide how deep the friendship lies.

I had a friend(sadly, now dead) who came from one of those families where sisters had rows and didn't speak to each other for 20 years - and she could be very explosive and verbally abusive, despite this, and she rarely had rows with me, because I wouldn't respond, but despite her trigger temper, I fundamentally liked her and enjoyed her company, and after one episode, I did distance myself for 6 months, but we got together again.

What you now need to decide is whether you like the persosn behind her trigger temper, in which case you factor it in and deal with it, or whether her trigger temper, is enough to destroy the friendship.

It was rather an intrusive question, maybe she wanted to close the subject down before you said anymore on the subject. I would have thought that the niece would have assumed that your and her aunt did not discuss her affairs.

tickingbird

I think you have every right to feel aggrieved. You gave your time willingly to help and therefore, it’s only natural you asked her how it was going. She had no right to snap at you and if she has behaved like this before it’s time you made it clear you’re no longer willing to tolerate such behaviour.

If she contacts you again tell her how you feel.

I agree with tickingbird.

You say this friend has behaved in a rude and unkind way before. My take on this is that you were asked by your friend to give professional and free advice to her niece, which you have done. As you were involved I don't think it was unreasonable to ask the subject of the court hearing, you were not asking for precise details! Your friend sounds rather volatile; if she objected to your kind enquiry she could have explained herself. If it were me I would withdraw quietly from the friendship and let her make the first move.

*Give her the benefit of the doubt if it is a long term friendship?
Sorry you feel sad.*

I agree with this.

I am so sorry that you have been treat like this. Years ago I had a really good friend and she did similar to me. I was so upset and I wrote everything down in a letter on how I felt as soon as I got back home. It did me good to write it out and I didn’t ever intend to send it but I did. She wrote back and apologised and we got back to being friends again. Maybe writing it all down might help you and not sending it. How would you feel about doing that? Sending you hugs.

Poster doesn’t say it was free advice though buffyfly isn’t that an assumption
I think there is wrong on both sides You took the private information you had been given to ask a little bit of an intrusive question She in turn took umbridge and cut you down without an explanation
Both wrong don’t spoil a long friendship unless there is a lot more this

Yes buffyfly - I’m thinking of just withdrawing quietly. We will see each other as we’re in the same choir. So I’ll leave any further approaches to her at the time. I don’t bear grudges but at the same time I don’t want to at the end of her unkindness. I probably needed to have told her that at the time - but I was taken aback . Thx for your thoughts xx

Sorry, but I think it was inappropriate to ask such a specific question. You had helped the niece in a professional capacity, whether paid or unpaid, and should not have pursued the subject with her aunt.

You could either apologise and see how she reacts, or, better , in my opinion, wait for your friend to contact you. It would be a shame for a long-term friendship to flounder over this, but it might. There is always a risk when mixing business with pleasure, as it were.

Totally agree Cabbie that’s my take on the problem too