As a mother did/do you put your children first?

I brought my children up in the 70s/ 80s and I don’t think our generation did put children first. DD said recently that they were expected to go along with what we wanted. I pursued my education and career BUT if they needed me everything stopped for them. Eg when they had a serious problem at school or needed to discuss something with me or when DS had serious operation.

I can’t help thinking that if someone is brought up to believe that they come first every time they will struggle to form equal relationships with others. I also think that such self-sacrifice can make martyrs of parents, who then feel that their children are obligated to them.

When they were children:
Needs - yes
Wants - sometimes

Now:
If I think I can be of particular help - but not always.
As they are all adults now they often help me out too. As someone said upthread we are all independent family members who love each other and help where we can.

I agree with that Jaxjacky As children get older I think they have to learn to accommodate others and that sometimes their needs are secondary.

Yes when they were young, particularly as I was a single parent, but your children are lent to you,.
I think it’s important to nurture yourself and your relationships then when your children start making their own way in the world, although you’re there for them, you’re not living through them.

From the minute my daughter was born she, and then later her brother, I put them before everything. And nothing has changed since then.

DH and I juggled our children as we were in the process of building our SME. Once at school we always made sure one of us picked them up from school, one of us always attended school events.

DH and I tried to make time for us but it was difficult.

Have had discussions with our now AC and they all say they had a great childhood and are still close to their Nanny they appreciate the life-style and opportunities they had then and now.

I certainly don't think that what children want (as opposed to 'need') should always come before what the parents want. That is the road to martyrdom for the parents and a sense of entitlement in the children. A fair amount of give and take and compromise by all parties is surely a far healthier approach to parenting in the long run?

Casdon

I think it depends what you mean by put them first.
If you mean would I die myself rather than see one of them die, yes I definitely would.
If you mean let their father cope with them when they were wanting me to be there as children if I was going out for the evening, I’d go out.
I don’t think becoming a mother means you should lose yourself, and you have to separate their wishes from their actual need for your direct care.

This is how I see it, I think.

MissAdventure

It depends on the circumstances.
I wouldn't make a martyr of myself, as some mothers seem to do.
Quite frankly, its rarely necessary.

Yes, when they are little, but once a mum goes back to work she has to do a juggling act if she wants to keep her job. She also needs to look after herself and her own well-being to be a good mother.

Smileless2012

I agree MissA, it depends on the circumstances.

I agree too.

I think it depends what you mean by put them first.
If you mean would I die myself rather than see one of them die, yes I definitely would.
If you mean let their father cope with them when they were wanting me to be there as children if I was going out for the evening, I’d go out.
I don’t think becoming a mother means you should lose yourself, and you have to separate their wishes from their actual need for your direct care.

Yes, when they're children MissA.

My husband and I would put the children first.

When they're little, it's only right to put their health and wellbeing before your own, if necessary.

Whilst they were children I would never put another adult before them although I know woken who put there husbands first. I never understood that there is not a man alive Id put before my children, including the idiot I married and divorced when they were adults ( should have done it sooner)

My adult children and l (and my husband) consider ourselves equal. There's no hierarchy. They would find it an utter nonsense to 'put them first' as l would if they 'put me first'. I've really no idea what it means amongst adult family.

I agree MissA, it depends on the circumstances.

It depends on the circumstances.
I wouldn't make a martyr of myself, as some mothers seem to do.
Quite frankly, its rarely necessary.

I would always put my children first . Even now they are adults if I can make things better for them I always would. Why wouldn’t you?

We have three children. I always put my husband first, and still do.

Wow, couldn’t even imagine putting me before my children. It’s just an inbuilt instinct that not everyone has. Even now mine are very much adults and I should know better I will still do all I can to enable them.