Daughter issues

Your daughter invited the explaination. I admit its horrid when those close to you make you feel
absolutly pants but don't take responsibility for what she is feeling. She has to come to terms with that herself. You are lonely and putting things in place to change that. She is sad and will need to find strategies to change that. Hug it out and accept you both have fragilities that make you both feel vulnerable at times. Wishing you both a happier future.x

HannahD'I feel your pain! I am 68 divorced,brought up 2 daughters on my own. My 35 year old is hard work, was as a child too. She always finds fault with me yet I put her through uni, she got a good degree, Pharmacology& Immunology, has got a really good job. Got married,wedding cost a fortune...funded mainly by me...git Divorced 3years later now in terrible financial difficulties so shes coming back home!!! Just dreading it but she has to get out of this debt cycle. I've told her she has to pay something towards her keep...she knows this.. I told her what I wanted and she's saving over 1k p/m... it has to go towards clearing her debts...I am dreading it as everything is always my fault,in her eyes.... I just don't need the stress anymore. Im fit and well and want to stay that way.. I have no answers for you but I feel your anguish. Take care

Well said

Regarding the question of airbnb and loneliness... my widowed sister offers two single rooms via airbnb with a large shared bathroom. She has a knack of making them look very gorgeous and welcoming, and in fact usually only rents one at a time. She has 5 star reviews, provides little extras, like bottled water, tissues, local maps and lists of eateries and attractions, and she often runs them around in her car, including to the airport if they have not arrived as self-drive tourists. She provides breakfast.
She has a good lock on her bedroom door for the night time, and her own room, with dressing room and bathroom ensuite, opens via french doors onto a patio with an exit. She only accepts people with good reviews, never allows second visits if she hasn't felt comfortable - and she makes both a good income (her rooms are not cheap) and friends.
So it can be reasonably safe, a source of company, and a convenient source of income.

Skydancer and MissMellie

Agree one hundred per cent. I also have a sometimes prickly relationship with my adult daughter. She has had a difficult adult life, almost entirely due to taking on bad partners and making poor decisions. She grew up with lots of advantages but has never been interested in our opinion so we have had to helplessly watch the disasters play out. We have helped her a great deal both practically and financially, often to our own detriment but we wouldn't let our grandchildren suffer. She has recently changed career and now is an NHS psychotherapist. I think she does an excellent job professionally perhaps precisely because of her past mistakes. She doesn't really acknowledge how much we've helped her and how draining she has been which is probably best for her peace of mind and we certainly don't remind her. It does (mostly secretly) annoy me that although she's affectionate, she has a haughty attitude towards us.

My son in law called me a C- - - when my husband (step father in law) challenged him he said that’s because she is. We walked away. Now my daughter 4 children who I have exhausted myself helping with are not speaking to us. My crime was trying to explain something son in law disagreed with.

Good heavens, you’re not a sweat able or accountable to your daughter for your decisions! And nor do you have to accept psychoanalysis from someone when you haven’t asked for their professional services!

By responding to her questions, you’re giving the impression that you are accountable to her, and that she has a right to question your decisions. Ironically, if you went to see a therapist, they might be able to help you pick up on what you are getting out of this and why you allow it! Conversations which repeat like this without apparently going anywhere are very tiresome, for self-help I’d suggest reading Games People Play by Dr Eric Berne.

If you don’t want to have such discussions, I’d make it clear by saying ‘Oh, blimey, not this again!’ and leave the room.

This course of action might not appeal to you, but unless you put up a barrier against her interference, I suspect you’re going to get really fed up of it and it will end in an argument you’d rather avoid.

Even though she’s an adult your divorce may have upset her more than she realises. Instead of supporting you she feels she is the one that needs supporting. Also probably feeling guilty herself for not spending more time with you. I agree with others that apologise for upsetting her as that wasn’t your intention but not for choosing to live your life as you choose.
Not sure of your circumstances but think opening your house up to strangers because you are lonely in the evening is probably not the best reason for doing it. Good luck and remember most families have internal struggles with relationships and you are not alone.

I am so very sorry. My own adult daughter has often inflicted her own feelings of insecurity and frustration on me.

There have been seasons where I had to limit interaction with her to spare my own heart.

It sounds to me as if she has an underlying sense of failing you and failing to live up to (perhaps imagined) responsibility toward you. Her discomfort is easier to toss back on you than to feel herself. Having a degree doesn’t always make one more able to understand oneself.

It’s hard. It’s painful. I haven’t really found any way to deal with it other than to protect myself by (1) not sharing too much and (2) limiting interaction.

Adult children these days often think they can treat a parent how they like and everything is on their terms. Mine are often like this, though not always. I think a lot of it depends on what is going on in their own lives and we can be used as kicking posts. I must say, I never did it to my parents as neither of them would have tolerated it. Once I was an adult, my parents absolutely did their own thing although help was there if I needed it. I did not speak disrespectfully to them but my own children often do to me. It is partly a generational thing I do believe. There doesn't seem to be so much respect these days. And, just as an aside, a lot of today's generation have been brought up watching programmes such as East Enders where the way people speak to one another is appalling and I suppose they think that is normal.

Why do people on here think because
this lady has posted and remarked that she intends to do Airbnb they can give advice on whether she should or should not do this ? She was asking for advice about her daughters attitudes! Not Airbnb.

HannahD You have every right to feel but your daughter doesn’t want to know how you are feeling. If she does know, she may feel a burden of having to do something about it. So my suggestions are 1) If possible go to a counsellor to talk about all your feelings and help you decide what you want to do post divorce. 2) Do what you want to do without consultation with your daughter unless it effects her in some way, in which case you will need to tell her. This will all be part of becoming a strong independent woman. Notice I said tell her, not consult her. You don’t need her advice. You can turn to others; friends, relatives etc for advice.
Be strong, be clear and be yourself. Good luck

What do I do?
You most certainly do not apologise.
Your daughter sounds most unsuitable for working in psychotherapy, art or otherwise. A little learning is a dangerous thing.

In a counselling course, I learnt that the last thing you should be is judgemental. And the first thing you should do is to listen. I would have thought that psychotherapy would be a few rungs further up the ladder from counselling, but the OP's daughter certainly wasn't listening to her mother and was being unthinkingly judgemental. Psychotherapy should be kept well away from family affairs!

I’m not sure that I quite fully understand where she’s coming from but it doesn’t matter I don’t think, she asked a question which you answered….and which she clearly didn’t like.

I would absolutely do nothing. Leave a space …and she may then ponder on her own words and thoughts.

If she directly asks you to apologise again, I would say I don’t think there’s any need and change the subject.

I am lonely since my dh died..just before covid... and I sense so often that people, not just relatives, my friends, just do not want to hear that I get lonely, strange! so I think I just have to keep it to myself,,, what a pity, cos for me, I think it helps me to express how I feel.

psycotherapists are not always right! Most go into the psychiatric profession owing to their own problems, who in the right mind would want to listen to what can be horror stories day after day?

As an aside it seems people don’t realize that air bnb can be people wanting use of a whole home
Alone but they also have air Bnb rooms - my grandaughter and her boyfriend have traveled extensively renting rooms this way while others still live in the home. More like a modern bed and breakfast it seems and they’ve met some very lovely people.

Daughter asked a question and got an
Answer. If it felt like a guilt trip to her she should perhaps analyze that - you didn’t bring it up on your own she asked. Did she prefer you lied ?

You say your daughter has already trained as an art therapist,so is she working in that field now? Iwouldfind it very unprofessional of her to be trying to analyse you if she is, and you could point that out.. A friend of mine went through similar behaiour when her daughter was training.. it all calmed down eventually but some pretty nasty things were said..
with regard to the Airbnb if you need the moneythat sounds like a good idea, loads of themhave the owners in situ.. however ifyou are expecting to spend timewith your guests I doubt whether that would be reciprocated. But you could try having a lodger or house share.. though you might find yourself stuck with someone you didn't really get on with.. I think an organisation such as Meetup would give the opportunity of doing activities you enjoy with like minded people..

Living alone, I, along with many others, are lonely but wouldn’t want to share my home with anyone else. As others have said Air B n B ers normally expect sole occupancy not a shared one. Think how much work it would make preparing and cleaning etc, never mind the sharing.
I presume your daughter felt you were blaming her for your loneliness.
I wish I saw more of my daughter but she’s a busy, professional with a young family so am grateful for being included as and when. I do the school run once a week, feed and occupy then return my grandchildren and quite often do not even see their parents, even at drop off.

An AirB&B is not going to make you less lonely, guests rarely want to spend time with a the host, I wouldn’t stay at one where the host was always hovering around.

Your daughter feel bad because she doesn’t want you to feel lonely but equally does not want to spend evenings with you and now she knows will feel angry with you for telling her, no one likes knowing a family member is unhappy.

I never tell my relatives I am unhappy or unwell, why worry them when it is not their responsibility to fix things.

She can dole it out but can’t take it!
She has mellowed with age but let’s say in 40+ years of being married to her brother I have never telephoned her, we see her once a year and that’s fine.

I wonder if she's have appreciated an absolutely honest response Sago?

Sago

When my SIL was training to be a psychiatric nurse she was truly revolting!

We were all analysed and judged, she believed in absolute honesty at all times, we once went to her home, after a long drive to get there she announced she would resent the time and energy it would take to make us a drink and sandwich but we could go in the kitchen and help ourselves!

Oh dear Sago, that's so nasty! I hope you told her that you would resent the time or energy to bother visiting again!