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Sons rude in laws- now we’re estranged

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searchlights720 Thu 09-May-24 18:18:13

Hello,

I’m so glad this forum exists and I look forward to hearing feedback from experience grandparents like yourselves.

My eldest son got married a few years ago to a girl we really liked. She was nice and pleasant, but on the quiet side and we made sure she was treated warmly and welcome to our family.

I’ve been married twice, and I never got the mother-in-law that I always wanted as I lost my mom when I was a teenager.

I made a vow to myself that I would be the mother-in-law that I never had, kind, warm, considerate, not critical or over bearing.

I wanted to make sure my daughter-in-law felt welcomed and accepted by me and we got together with him at least monthly for dinners.

My husband and I always treated them and we were generous during birthdays and holidays with them. I was never critical to her or her family in anyway, and try to be lighthearted and pleasant at all times.

When they got engaged, we were so happy and thrilled, and my husband and I gave them a substantial amount of money for their wedding. My daughter-in-law reassured me she wanted me to be part of the planning and she let me know she told her family so, which I thought was really nice. That never happened.

The first day I ever met her mother, I knew it was not gonna be an easy-going relationship. I was so thrilled to meet them, and she was cold, icy, and standoffish. She would not engage with me nor look at me, and if I try to talk to her, she wouldn’t answer my question and only talk to her daughter.

I thought this would improve overtime, but it actually got worse. Her father wasn’t much better, he was condescending and belittling to my son, and didn’t make much of an effort to make us feel welcome at events, even at their home. The irony is that their extended family, uncles and aunts other grandparents, or warm and inviting, and made us feel welcomed.

I also thought it was a telltale sign when my son told me his in-laws wanted to go on their honeymoon with them.

I didn’t say anything to my son as I didn’t want to cause issues so early in their life together, and I didn’t want to be the cause of those issues either. So I put up with it and smiled and try to take the high road.

About a year after the wedding, my daughter-in-law and son announced their first pregnancy. I am over joyed. This was an especially momentous time for me since I lost my own mother when I was a teenager and she didn’t get to be a grandmother, so I was very emotional and happy. Life was coming full circle.

One thing I begin to notice was very much a lack of gratitude on my daughter-in-law‘s part. My son would ask us for help moving and little things, my son always said thank you, but she did not most of the time. I chalked it up to nerves or maybe just not knowing better, but hopes his manners would rub off on her and that would improve overtime. Nothing to get upset about.

Then my daughter-in-law began saying things that didn’t sit well, like criticizing the country that my current husband is from, and saying her father doesn’t like people from that country. My husband has raised my son since he was seven years old and has been a great stepfather to him, so this lack of sensitivity was not OK, but I decided to extend her grace and let it go, hoping she did not know my husband was from the country she mentioned.

I also noticed little things like when my son would show my daughter-in-law childhood pictures of him. She laughed at him and made fun of him. She never said he was cute or anything endearing, and I could tell by his expression it hurt his feelings.

Here is where everything hits the fan:
In trying to keep things pleasant, I asked my daughter-in-law about plans for a baby shower, and how I would like to help her be involved somehow. She responds by saying her mother wants to handle all of it.

A few months later, I ask again to please let me know how I can help even if it’s in a small way. Daughter-in-law says again her mother is handling it and wants to handle it by herself.

I’m a little hurt, but I accept it because what else can I do? I say nothing. My son says nothing either.

Two nights before the baby shower, my son texted me an invoice for $3500 for the baby shower, venue, and catering. Apparently this invoice was sent to him by his mother-in-law and he sends it to me with a message saying “you don’t have to pay anything but since you wanted to help here’s the invoice. “

I was so hurt and taken aback and insulted. My husband was livid and told me not to pay a dime. I also didn’t want them to use this against me or say I didn’t help. I know my son wouldn’t have sent me that on his own I know he was told to, being a young man I’m sure he didn’t know protocol for these types of things. I decided to take the highroad and I sent him $500 just so we can contribute something. My son text me thank you, but I hear no thank you from my daughter-in-law.

Two days later, as I’m getting ready for this baby shower, I have a sick and nauseous feeling in my stomach and I feel like I’m going to faint. I cannot explain this feeling.

When we get to the venue where the baby shower is held, I walk in smile, and I say hello to her mother, who ignores me and pretend she didn’t hear me. This is not the first time she’s done it. So I said it louder again, hello. She ignores me two more times now. It’s confirmed this is not in my mind. And I am so angry at this outright behavior.

I only had about six guests of my own at this baby shower, and they are noticing her mothers strange behavior toward me.

The mother hosted the baby shower with a microphone and was front and center, but couldn’t bring herself to my table to meet my guests?

When the baby shower was over, a good friend of mine went up to the mother, complemented the lovely shower, and thanked her for the invite and was trying to make small talk. You could see the mother become visibly uncomfortable.

I wish my friend didn’t do this, but after some chatting, she said to the mother,” you’re lucky to have my friend in your family, she’s such a good person, be nice to her”, and playfully wagged her finger at her and said” be nice or I’ll be watching you”. She didn’t say it in a mean tone, but she said it in a playful town, but I knew in that moment, it didn’t matter. This woman was so rude and cold to me for no reason, now she’s going to have a reason to be and I cringed inside.

This was not discussed till about 8 to 9 months later with my son, but I could tell my daughter-in-law’s behavior toward me, grew standoffish, and her, and my son made excuses as to why they couldn’t do things with us anymore.

Baby came, and we were so happy but they use the baby as excuses to not spend any time with us or holidays, but we’re constantly posting on social media how they were with her family. Finally, my son and I have a two hour long discussion/debate.

He wanted to address the rude comment, directed at her mother by my friend, and that unleashed the floodgates in me, and I brought up the years of rude and condescending things her parents had done toward us. Even the racial stuff by her dad.

At first, my son admitted, they can be rude, but made excuses for their behavior and minimized it. At times he was accusing me of having a victim, mentality and saying all the things that I am bringing up don’t compare to my friends comment toward her mother, he did not care if her mother was rude to me or anyone else.

After this, they had it an excuse, whenever we invited them to get together or see the baby and never wanted to come over again.

My son literally said he will not be bringing the baby to my house anymore because it’s too much of a hassle even though we live 10 minutes away. She said if we want to see her, we can go to them, which I did a few times, but I feel uncomfortable and not wanted there as they lived with her sister and her husband at the time in a family home.

I was so upset with my son and I told him he will pack up the baby and drive her half an hour away to a bad part of Los Angeles to see his deadbeat father but he won’t come 10 minutes to our home? He said his families too big so he hast to take the baby to him but since it’s the three of us it’s no problem us going to visit him and no he won’t be taking her here.

My son ignored our contacts for the holidays and I still have my granddaughters Christmas gifts.
I am so hurt and trying to keep myself from getting depressed, I can feel myself drowning in grief. All I ever wanted was to be a grandmother and have my family. I waited my whole life for this. There were so many things I wanted to do with her and show her and teach her, we are in artistic family, and I couldn’t wait to show her things and teach her how to be a good person and kind and smart.

To add insult, my youngest, daughter, announces, she just got into her dream school and we are over joyed as parents. I don’t post on social media often but I posted this. Two hours later, on the same day, my daughter-in-law makes a post saying they’re expecting their second baby. I cannot tell if these things are done to stick it to us or it’s just ignorance.

My daughter fell a little her that that’s how they announced it to the world, and not to us directly, as I did also, but they also chose to announce it a couple of hours after she had her big announcement. I told my daughter it could be that they just don’t know that that was not a nice thing to do to her.

Then this stuff starts: daughter-in-law starts making social media posts every time they spend time with my ex-husband with phrases, like “spending time with the best people ever.”
My ex was a drunk and a narcissist, and got involved in drugs, and I had to work two jobs to pay for everything because of him. She knows this and yet she’s going to sing his praises online
She also made an online post selling the bassinet I gave them, but not selling anything else other people gave them.
Once I ask my son, if my daughter can spend the night with them so we can go to a Wedding out of town, and he responded a few minutes later, so I know there’s not enough room for her. Just cause me stress because I appointed my son administrator of our estate and legal guardian if something happened to my daughter, and now, I don’t feel his wife and him would do right by her, if something happened to us .

I feel like they’re doing these little subtle attacks to make me feel hurt and awful, as I knew how much I wanted to be a grandma.

The post with spending time with my ex-husband are especially angering, as he was a deadbeat, and never help raise his children, leaving all responsibilities, financial and other, to my husband and I.

All of last year we did not see them, and it pains me to say my granddaughter does not know us.

Oddly, we were invited to the baby‘s first birthday party. Even though we were invited, I did not feel welcome. We contemplated going, and my husband and her daughter did not want to go, but I did not want to give them more of an excuse to make me the awful person here.

We compromised and decided to go for a short time, be pleasant, bring a gift and leave before things got awkward. I had a broken leg at the time, so that was also a factor. We went and did just that. Her mother and father come up to us for the first time ever with an enthusiastic hello, but her mother was waving her hand in my face and wouldn’t stop, I felt like she was trying to mock saying hello to me since it was my complaint she didn’t say hello last time. Her husband had to lower her hand out of my face since she was overdoing it.

This angered my husband. But we decide nothing because it was the babies party. I try to hold my granddaughter, but she didn’t want to go with me because she didn’t know who I am. My son was standing there, chatting with us pleasantly as we interacted with the baby as much as possible, but her mother sent someone to take the baby away because they suddenly needed to take pictures that instant.
Between that, and my leg and half the place taken up by my ex-husband and his awful family, the discomfort was unbearable, and we decided it was time to go. My son text me for my birthday, but ignored us for Christmas and didn’t bother to tell us about this new pregnancy, apparently they’re due in August.

I’m so hurt. I don’t have much extended family and I just endured a four length Probate for my father dealing with thieving family members. I can’t believe they would hurt me this way.

I do apologize for the long post, but I feel these details create a timeline and why are these things are important. I would appreciate any and all advice you have for me, even if it is blunt and harsh. I don’t know what to do or if I’m even in the wrong.

Thank you in advance

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NanaTuesday Tue 14-May-24 15:58:24

searchlights720

That’s a long post , but some points I can relate to sadly .

As a MIL it’s not guaranteed that you will see eye to eye or even see each other .
As the DIL will always choose her own DM over MIL except in exceptional circumstances.
The fact that you sadly lost your own DM as a Teenager is not something your DiL has any comprehension about . Unless you had a fabulous relationship with her prior to both engagement/ baby shower then you are never going to have that with her by the sounds of it.
It is even sadder that you haven’t had much contact with your GD either ,that is the ones thing you could have hoped your DS would be able to manage despite you & DIL not getting on . Ie a regular little Saturday morning visit or meet up .
He obviously can’t change her mind on involving & inviting you to gatherings & it certainly seems like DIL is a bit selfish especially if this is your only GC .
As for your DS’s in-laws then just forget them , they sound as if they are small minded & no wonder DIL is the way she is ,sad to say .As a general rule of thumb it’s not often the case where you would be in contact ,just ‘high-days & holidays ‘

As others have mentioned you do need to manage your expectations maybe have another heart to heart with your DS ask him out to lunch without your DH .So you can find out what’s going on , let him know how upset you are & that you want to be part of you GC’s life .
Don’t take the stance of loosing your own DM etc as I’m sure he has heard all of this from you before .
Let him know that he is breaking your heart .
Keep away from the subject of his Father .
He has the right to see his Father ,it has no bearing on your feeling or how he or his family live their lives .
Instead concentrate on you DS & DGC .
On the positive not the negative.
If the in-laws are rude ,so be it , you aren’t
Sorry it’s a long response & ihope you can sort it out , please let GN know how you fare .

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Abi30 Mon 01-Jul-24 10:52:26

It is clear that you feel personally attacked by the events that have happened. Sometimes a bit of space and time can clear the clouds on what was reactive moments that wasn’t necessarily meant to hurt you, and what was a clear message of crossing that line. I imagine there was a bit of that on both sides. You can’t dwell on people’s behaviours, you simply have no control over that - but you can decide how to respond.

A lot of the things you have mentioned also seem to be speculative / instinctual and as time has gone on, more and more instances feed your believe that actions are being undertaken to hurt you. Whilst I do believe that you are very hurt, I don’t believe that your son and daughter in law are going out of their way to hurt you / your daughter. Do you truly believe this?

With her mother, you could have raised an open dialogue and made light of things to helps move things along, instead of it festering. How you respond and your mindset can alter how things go.

Do you believe that your friend raising that comment in the baby shower was the main issue that caused the domino effect? It is clear from your writing that there were tensions building between you all prior to this, and something was going to be the tipping point. I think it’s important to remember that the baby shower is after all meant to be about the mother, and supporting her and celebrating. I don’t believe it was the time or place for conflict, a conflict that will be remembered by them…

From what you have mentioned, your son has brought up a number of issues that you can react to, to help make relations better:

1. Victimising yourself
2. Not wanting to visit your grandchild in their home

To address point number 1, I’ve seen numerous posts on other forums where contact (e.g messages / calls) start off genuinely well, but always end in talk about “we don’t see you” or an over explanation of personal health / social / family issues that seem to raise the point of wanting attention reverting back to them. Adult children do not feel seen, validated and feel like they are being held responsible for their parent’s wellbeing / attentiveness or role as a grandparent. It can be draining. I am not saying that this is what you do, but this can be a cause for distancing.

I guess the point to this is, to questions what you think you can change when interacting with them? Where is this victimising issue coming from?

To address point 2. I think it’s important for your own well being to drop all efforts of caring about what your son and his family relations are with your ex. The relationship they have with him, is different to the one you had with him. That is ok, and if you don’t feel ok with that, then I’d recommend finding a way to make peace with it. The bitterness will, again, put distance between you all.

Your expectations might have been high as a grandparent, and typically, grandparent’s that have good relations with both parents get to do more with their families. It might be a good idea to keep things simple when you all interact. Can you extend an olive branch of asking how they are both doing? Having a second child is a big change. A regular phone call that keeps things positive?

All of the other issues you’ve brought up, again are behaviours of others that you have no control over. Your son and his family are free to spend time with who they wish, you don’t need to react, just focus on being a supportive mother to your son and daughter in law, and their growing family. As they are expecting their second child, it’s a great opportunity to change your mindset on everything and reach out with well wishes and a short visit - then re-build a better relationship from there. A positive mindset and open dialogue to this change, could be a good first step to make… and try to reframe from going down the rabbit hole of reacting to other behaviours, and open a light (non-accusatory) question if there is something wrong so you can understand better in those instances.

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eazybee Mon 01-Jul-24 13:03:02

I gave up halfway through, but from the last paragraph it is obvious you have forgotten nothing and forgiven nothing.

Until you do, no way forward.

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Norah Mon 01-Jul-24 13:11:29

Perhaps attempt no control over that which is certainly not your business? It seems parents who attempt control over AC become estranged.

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Feverjo Mon 01-Jul-24 15:27:11

Wow this was a lot. Your daughter in law essentially made bigoted comments around your husband. Your son clearly was okay with that.

In laws were rude. Your son apparently was okay with that.

Sending the $ 3500 invoice? I almost stopped reading. Beyond outrageous.

I would leave them to it tbh. Your DIL and her parents aren't the greatest, but they are a reflection of your son's choices.

It is easy to focus on the in laws, but the most hurtful and most important thing here is that the son you raised is a user.

Drop the rope. It's hurtful but you can begin your healing journey when you accept that the son you raised is not the man you know today.

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Feverjo Mon 01-Jul-24 15:30:32

Sago

Another convoluted essay full of minutiae from a new poster!

What was the point of this post except overt rudeness?

Who cares whether the poster is "new" or not? This isn't some elite private club. It's a website. No one here has any ownership over who posts or what they post.

Manners are free.

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Feverjo Mon 01-Jul-24 15:40:57

BlueBelle

ABout as far as I got Luckygirl
Another USA in law problem seem very common
Hope it gets sorted searchlights good luck

There's a whole Estrangement forum chock full of in law issues based right here in the U.K so I'd say it was rather common here as well.

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Feverjo Mon 01-Jul-24 15:49:42

searchlights720

I’m serious when I say this, are you psychic in any way? Because that is exactly what we are doing and signing new documents this very week to leave my daughter in control of our estate for this very reason.
Not to punish, but more of a trust issue.
I completely agree, I have been doing just that, focusing on ourselves. We our moving to a new town an hour away and I’m ready for a fresh start.
I appreciate your advice, I’m just so deeply hurt.

I am hurt just reading all of this. I think you are doing the right thing fwiw. How could you not be hurt? Any of us would. easy for some to simply say "stand back and lower expectations" but if they received an invoice for thousands after having been told to essentially get out of the way, these posters would likely not be saying the same to themselves. Blatant and public rudeness, plus bigoted comments I imagine would ruffle their feathers if they were on the receiving end and their own son was seemingly okay with it. Take care of yourself. I hope your son reflects on his treatment of you one day. People like that tend to seek out those they'd so easily use when they run into issues. With his judgement, it's inevitable.

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Frenchgalinspain Mon 01-Jul-24 16:10:40

No class and no protocol.

I would change my Will .. Leave it a hospital for those suffering children with leukemia.

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Cambsnan Mon 01-Jul-24 16:22:08

I got lost half way through but my take would be that you are holding in to a lot of hurt and grievances. You can’t change them but you can change your response and in that way protect yourself.
Hold on to your kind heart and in time they may realise you are there for them.

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searchlights720 Mon 01-Jul-24 18:16:28

Thank you so much for seeing the points made here. I agree about taking a stand back, which is what I’ve done. They had a baby shower for their second baby they never told us about. We were not told about this new baby nor invited. I was recently diagnosed with cancer and am going through my first treatment as I write this.. I won’t be forcing my presence on anyone. I’m glad you can how agregious those things they did were. Thank you for your insight and defending me.

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ImSweetpea Fri 16-Aug-24 14:06:52

Hello. I just joined this site to reply to you. I read your entire post, and that numb, sick to your stomach, faint feeling I know only too well.

I have a story as long, except the wedding happened only 2 months ago, and a month before the wedding that was 300 people in a Washington DC venue, I got told I was being uninvited to the wedding.

My son about a year and half before called me and ' his girlfriend wanted to meet me".

I was told the mother was sending chocolates, so I didn't know what to expect.

I went to buy a little present for the girl and the woman in one of my go to places told me she wouldn't sell me anything...it was not my job to impress her. She told me the chocolates were a thank you for hosting her daughter..hostong??? I wasn't hosting..oh maybe I was to take her to dinner and host dinner.

I married my son's father and on our 2nd anniversary he announced he was leaving us, and my son was 6 mos old. This child was my life and I spentvyears being guilt ridden, but I made sure he grew up right. Because I loved to travel, he became a jet setter at the age of 1 1/2. We went to Cabada, Mexico, Hawaii, Europe, etc. I put him through college, and after he kind of developed an attitude because his dad, who he struggled yo develop a relationship with died.

So, here I am alone, and I'm having to meet another girl. My friends tell me. And some men too! Be cordial. Keep the conversation light. Smile. AND DRINK WINE!!!

Great! I can do that. I wanted to go some place nice, but simple. Everyone likes Italian, and she's east coast

So I find this cute restaurant. I look at the menu. Ok, it is what it is. Wine is by the bottle. Well???

So I make a reservation, and give the info to my son. He comes back with, this is $100 per person. I said, what do you care, I'm paying the bill!!

Ok. So moving on, I get dress in something simple for the winter evening and ho to meet them. It was a little awkward, but I had wine.

We ate, and it was really nice. She came from a similar home and background, and while I thought I'd hear, were getting married, I hear nothing. I paid the bill (I've never paid that much for dinner before, but oh well)..and I returned home. 6 months later, my son calls to say he's ordering a ring.. So I get a head start on ideasbofvwhat to wear. LA is out of stores. Where does one by a dress? Finally he's getting married and this is my last gig

I start looking at dresses, and I thought having a conference to ho to in DC, my son would arrange for me to meet the family. Nope!

When's your engagement party? Where's my invite. I quickly tell her mom I'll be there because ai need to know what they are planning. It's going to be an evening wedding,, and the mothers are to wear gowns.

I write to the mother if I have questions and she tells me to ask my son. I look up the etiquette and there might be a welcome party, a rehearsal dinner, the wedding, the day after party...I dontvknow.

I booked my flightvin Nivember. My son gets nasty and tells me 5 nights is too long, but I'm traveling clear across the country.

I get my gown. I'm so thrilled with it. Then I had to pay for alterations. Shoes, purse, rehearsal dinner dress, shoes, purse, and then because I'm traveling across the US, I'll need a garment bag for the plane. The gown goes on the plane. I'll need a steamer, and regular clothes..

I have everything ready to go by the end of March and everyone knows I'm excited...the only thing I don't have is the wedding venue reservation, and they want the payment up front. At this point I tell my son that I don't have an extra $600 at that moment to pay for one night, would he do it, and he's barely talked to me over the year. I'm in the process of moving and there's so much expense.

He doesn't answer, and I talk to his fiance who informs me that "at this stage of the game, maybe I should focus on moving and not come to the wedding" and then I'm told in May, weeks before rhe wedding that I've been uninvited.

All this time, effort, and money and now I'm uninvited? I had a friend talk to him, and after it was done, she called and said just cancel the trip... I was devastated.

We don't have a lot of family left..what will people think. I text the mother... and she had asked me if I liked her daughter. I was fine with her daughter.

I had sent a big box of gifts for the 2023 holidays . My sonvsaid he'd send pictures. I told him to keep his pictures.

The mother told me that my son stays at their home when her daughter travels. She's so excited to have him stay. She's one of 9 kids, and we were a lot alike. She gave me a kiss and said, we're going to share grandkids. Right, but by my son's behavior, and now his wife's, it won't happen.

I told her mother. I'm more than fed up with the rhetoric. I did the best I could as a single mom carrying the fullbload. IM DONE!

My son told his in-laws he wanted to come back to LA. I'm staying in LA for the moment, but I want to move out of LA. It's not the place I gre up in.

I haven't spoken to my son, his wife or inlaws since I was uninvited, and I'm out about 14k now. There were so many little details.

I remember my son's wife telling me she was putting her foot down on me abusing him. He was never abused, so I'm left looking like Biden did when he heard the crazy comments rhat Trump made which leavevyou in disbelief.

I totally get where you're coming from, and even my son's mother in law told me that she was talking to her friends with boys and it was the same thing.

I'm done. I don't need to be a grandmother. I bet they might c9me for Thanksgiving, but I'm not seeing them. I'm making my plans, I'll be with friends, and I'm cutting the cord. I'm not going to bevhur5, abused, ridiculed, punished, etc and think it's OK.

My mom kept us away from my dad's family growing up and it upset me. I loved both of my grandmothers.

Leave it to your grandkids to take care of the situation. Pay back is coming!

Back out and always be busy. I think you'll see a change in behavior when you are no longer letting them walk all over you.

One guy last night said he and his wife divorced because of what she'd say about his mom.

Cut the cord!

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jenpax Fri 16-Aug-24 14:30:09

BlueBelle

ABout as far as I got Luckygirl
Another USA in law problem seem very common
Hope it gets sorted searchlights good luck

Yes I noticed this too! I wonder how things are conducted there that this seems such a common issue with in laws

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ImSweetpea Fri 16-Aug-24 16:01:42

PS: I just read your last line. OMG! You fight! Hopefully your son will call you and you'll tell him.

Do not leave him to manage a trust. I thonk you said there's a daughter. Put your effort into her. Take care of yourself.

Your son is going to live now with a mountain of grief, and there's no could of, should or wiuld of... he has to live with the damage he has caused.

If you want to write a letter, send it certified mail. Receipt requested...

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