How to talk to my overstressed and verbally abusive daughter

IAm64
It’s hard to follow because it’s twaddle. That’s my polite word for that rubbish 😂

petra

Yongy

The poster of this thread is obviously concerned about the way her daughter is treating her children or she would not have asked for advice.

I once reported a man to the social services, when his children, who were of primary school age, were clearly very upset by the way he treated them and asked for my advice. I told them what I intended to do, and they were obviously very relieved when they were removed from his 'care'.

How do you know they were obviously very relieved when they were removed from his care
Did you just happen to be there when social services arrived and did the children wave and say thank you Yongy
I very much doubt it 🤔 it’s a very distressing time for everyone.

I find your description of ‘once’ reporting a man to social services with the result his children were relieved to be removed from his care hard to follow. Children simply aren’t removed from home because of one referral ‘because of the way he treated them’.
As petra points out being removed from home is very distressing even when it’s the only way to keep them safev

VioletSky

It's ridiculous to state that having 4 children shouldn't be stressful of you chose to have them

Sometimes life is stressful, sometimes having children is stressful...

Perfect parents are not good for children, children need to know and understand that it is ok to have feelings and that it is ok that those feelings are sometimes difficult to deal with.

Any child that knows they are loved and their parents are doing their best to give them a happy life will be resilient to a raised voice sometimes

There ^^

Thank you VS!

Yongy

The poster of this thread is obviously concerned about the way her daughter is treating her children or she would not have asked for advice.

I once reported a man to the social services, when his children, who were of primary school age, were clearly very upset by the way he treated them and asked for my advice. I told them what I intended to do, and they were obviously very relieved when they were removed from his 'care'.

How do you know they were obviously very relieved when they were removed from his care
Did you just happen to be there when social services arrived and did the children wave and say thank you Yongy
I very much doubt it 🤔 it’s a very distressing time for everyone.

Lots of parents seem to shout at their DC. I hear them everywhere I go. In the street, in the supermarket, on the bus even at the playpark.

Perhaps children are harder to parent than they used to be, although I yelled at mine occasionally.

I was once checked by a neighbour, who had no DC. She said "he's only little" and I was shocked and stopped and listened to myself.

Truly I was being too hard on him and I hadn't realised.

The poster of this thread is obviously concerned about the way her daughter is treating her children or she would not have asked for advice.

I once reported a man to the social services, when his children, who were of primary school age, were clearly very upset by the way he treated them and asked for my advice. I told them what I intended to do, and they were obviously very relieved when they were removed from his 'care'.

Yongy

Shouting are her children in the way described could cause them mental health issues, which can be just as bad as if the woman physically harmed them. They need to be treated seriously sorted out by her family right away, otherwise the social services will get involved and they could be taken into care.

I don’t know what planet you’ve been living on for the past 20 years Re, the dire straights our social workers are working under, or the lack of spaces for children taken into care. 🤦🏼‍♀️

It's ridiculous to state that having 4 children shouldn't be stressful of you chose to have them

Sometimes life is stressful, sometimes having children is stressful...

Perfect parents are not good for children, children need to know and understand that it is ok to have feelings and that it is ok that those feelings are sometimes difficult to deal with.

Any child that knows they are loved and their parents are doing their best to give them a happy life will be resilient to a raised voice sometimes

I'm not surprised if she is stressed with 4 children and trying to work.. I think if you could give her a break sometimes and maybe pay for her to have a massage or some sort of treat that that would be a much better way of helping her.. If you spend some time looking after the children you would also be able to quietly assess whether they are happy and relaxed.. despite the shouting.

I've just remembered, I wasn't allowed to pull a "sympathetic face" when my daughter told her boys off.

Yongy

Shouting are her children in the way described could cause them mental health issues, which can be just as bad as if the woman physically harmed them. They need to be treated seriously sorted out by her family right away, otherwise the social services will get involved and they could be taken into care.

No way on earth would these children be taken into care. From everything the OP says, children’s services are unlikely even to knock on her door

Also Monica's "treats" suggestion on the last page.

Norah

Some people yell a bit when stressed. Understandable, I think.

I don't think 4 children is stressful. She chose to have 4 and is likely delighted with them. We had 4, normal number to those who have 4.

Perhaps you don't approach her about the yelling, rather just have lovely chats about her garden, the weather (always interesting in spring/summer), a film - anything to avoid lectures?

I agree with your idea Norah. Worth a try first.

What are these minor mistakes?

She constantly yells at her children for small mistakes

I am surprised at lots of the comments on here.
The wellbeing of the children has not been much taken into account. In my opinion.

I think caleo's idea might work. Could backfire I suppose. Only the op would know.

Could you joke and laugh about her frequent fault finding ? I am think some stock character such as 'fishwife' or 'sergeant major', or 'Hyacinth Bucket' .

What incident was that "minor"?
Maybe it wasn't that minor for your daughter?
Maybe your daughter told the child not to do that before going and the child did it anyway - just a hypothesis?

Based on previous reaction from youe daughter, I wouldn't say anything.

It is very different to be an active 24/7 parent with minor kid(s) in the house than being the parent who has been there than that whose kids left the nest and are adults

From the limited info in your post, you witnessed a limited interaction, a timeframe frozen in time, and assessed how you would have addressed based on your mood, stress level, parenting style, possible basic knowledge of what's going on in her home, etc

Tell me which parent has never ever lost their patience with their kids.
Unless the kids fear the parents, let it go

Some people yell a bit when stressed. Understandable, I think.

I don't think 4 children is stressful. She chose to have 4 and is likely delighted with them. We had 4, normal number to those who have 4.

Perhaps you don't approach her about the yelling, rather just have lovely chats about her garden, the weather (always interesting in spring/summer), a film - anything to avoid lectures?

Please keep out of it and never, ever criticise someone else's parenting.

Shouting are her children in the way described could cause them mental health issues, which can be just as bad as if the woman physically harmed them. They need to be treated seriously sorted out by her family right away, otherwise the social services will get involved and they could be taken into care.

Is there anything you can do to relieve her stress? Treat her to a spa day and offer to look after the hcildren, offer to come in one afternoon a week so thta she can do absolutely nothing. Send her some flowers, do soething special and caring for her.

Perhaps take one or two of the children off her hands now and then, take it in turns with them, just for a couple of hours maybe.

My stepdaughter wasn’t the best parent to 4 children. But they all adored her. The same with my own sister.
My 14 &17 year old grandchildren roll their eyes when my daughter looses it.

dotpocka

should have taught them to use birth control
next door is 30 and 4 kids first they were 16 for no.1 i adore him but even works but its not finacial good ,,told him the other day to put in his pants or get snipped

can not afford and it makes every one have to listen how bad they have it not fair to the kids

I wish I knew what your talking about 🤷‍♀️

Oops. Not multiple birth! Not with those ages.
Mental Health issues?
Any number of reasons.