Missing friends, feeling lonely

I think Sarahr's comment about people generally not having social skills is spot on.
It's something I must work on.
Someone I study is Grandmattie on the morning post.
Also I think people are less keen to entertain in their homes
? Security reasons or because every is supposed to have an immaculate home these days.
No it's not just you!

And you don’t mention having a pet. Get a dog (or a cat). Dogs especially are beautiful companions who love you unconditionally; always there, always affectionate. I’d be lost without mine ❤️

I’m 66 and have made more friends in the last year than I did in the previous 20. But I’m lucky because I live in a beautiful bustling town (St Albans) and the town centre is minutes away from my home. My street is a real community and very friendly.
I smile at people and initiate conversations. I’m also fortunate enough to be a recovering alcoholic (yes, I do mean that!) and AA is like a tribe and I’ve formed several deep friendships there. I keep in touch with friends and family who are far away (some in different countries) on WhatsApp and FaceTime can be almost as satisfying as meeting someone in person.
So I know I’m lucky and you sound like a lovely person who I’d want to be friends with! It doesn’t get harder to make friends when you’re older, it’s largely down to circumstance. You’re obviously ok with technology so I’d suggest using social media to reach out. I’m on Instagram and engage with people on there too.
I’d say I’m an extrovert/introvert as I also love my home (I live alone) and my own company. Someone once said that reading meant they never felt alone so pick up a good novel!
Wishing you all the best.

Ashcombe

As others have said, it does seem to be the way things go at our stage in life. I'm a volunteer with an amateur theatre company which provides most of my social needs. Sometimes I have minor acting roles but there are a range of behind the scenes jobs, too, to support productions. I work with the props team once a week, mending, sorting, cataloguing, etc and also help with Front of House duties during the run of a play: selling programmes, checking tickets, etc. Social time in the bar always follows a performance. Would that be of interest to you if there is an amdram company in your area? (acting not essential)

When I first retired to Torquay, Devon, I joined The Red Hat Society which was a very friendly group of ladies which helped me to settle in although I'm not actively involved now. Here's a link to explain who they are:-

redhatsociety.com

I hope you soon find those closer acquaintances with whom you can enjoy outings.

I have seen coachloads of theRedHat ladies arriving in our local town. No idea where they were from but they were like excitable puppies! 🤣 i asked one woman why they were all wearing red hats and purple clothes and she explained. They were going round the shops, having lunch out and just enjoying themselves. Not for me as I don’t like red or purple 😉

It's not just you.
We are friendly and sociable.
We moved to a nice village 7 years ago. We have tried going to clubs, getting involved in the local church and a community group. We haven't been able to make friends with anyone. I would love to go out for a walk, have a friend round for a cuppa, maybe even be invited to the parties people tell me about, but never invite us to, I have even invited folk round for a cuppa but they never turn up.

It seems that a lot of people nowadays do not have the skills needed to be sociable unless it's within their own tight little world.

I will continue to say good morning to people we regularly see, when we are out on our daily walks and, who knows, someone might even stop to chat. I won't hold my breath, though.

In Ireland (where I live) the library is a great social centre, hosting book groups, knitting and crafts ones, language groups etc. If you want to form a group for your own interests they will encourage you very much. I have a son and a daughter working in the libraries, and my lately died son did too, so I know what a boon they can be for the shy and lonely.

As others have said, it does seem to be the way things go at our stage in life. I'm a volunteer with an amateur theatre company which provides most of my social needs. Sometimes I have minor acting roles but there are a range of behind the scenes jobs, too, to support productions. I work with the props team once a week, mending, sorting, cataloguing, etc and also help with Front of House duties during the run of a play: selling programmes, checking tickets, etc. Social time in the bar always follows a performance. Would that be of interest to you if there is an amdram company in your area? (acting not essential)

When I first retired to Torquay, Devon, I joined The Red Hat Society which was a very friendly group of ladies which helped me to settle in although I'm not actively involved now. Here's a link to explain who they are:-

redhatsociety.com

I hope you soon find those closer acquaintances with whom you can enjoy outings.

No real advice to offer because I seem to be much the same. That's despite having lived in the same smallish town in the UK for over 40 years. In the beginning, having small children brought me most of my friends, as did joining the PTA and being involved in several local things. Once they were at secondary school I went back to work full-time and I rarely had time to socialise. The final full-time job I had was 45 miles from home and apart from not being around to socialise with my workmates I fell out of the habit of keeping up other than a handful of friendships locally, similarly with friends who moved away. Sad to say, somewhere along the line I seemed to upset a few "close" friends, but despite asking them (and others) for a reason, none was ever forthcoming. I tried inviting them to things but they always declined.

I took early retirement 15 years ago age 59 after caring for my mum with dementia who died, and threw myself into local politics and my U3A, but despite people being friendly none have wanted to get any closer. Of course, I've also lost the few friends I kept to either dementia or death and now feel I've got almost no-one to call a friend. For the past six months I've been going through cancer treatment and though people know about it hardly anyone has enquired how I am doing, let alone offered any help.

I'm lucky to have two wonderful daughters but they are both busy with their own lives (and one is 200 miles away).

Then again, most of the people I meet nowadays are widows and widowers and I am still with my husband of 5 years, so maybe that makes a difference.

No idea what the solution is, but I do feel lonely a lot of the time.

I totally understand, I found that too when I joined a group, when it was time to leave that was it for the next four weeks, everyone went back to their own lives. I did ask about having days out and we did manage to get it sorted but I found that some of the group members were bringing along their friend, sister, mother etc. so they were sitting with them and never interacted with the other group members. It never happened again.

I think people just want to get on with their own lives and not have to bother about anyone else.

I belong to lots of things but also find that people are very friendly at the group, exercise class, U3A class, volunteering, or whatever but reluctant to turn that into a closer friendship. The only real friend I have made since I retired 8 years ago is someone I met in the first Covid lock down. Just when you would least expect it. Pure chance really as I was allocated to her house to provide support. It wasnt until the lock down ended we had a proper conversation, but then we really spent a lot of time together and supported each other through the following two lock downs. There is something about shared adversity which creates a bond I think. It was easy to make friends when the kids were small and us mum's were all in it together surviving the sleepless nights and terrible twos. Maybe we are all in our comfort zones now. Quite sure its not just you Ziggy.

It's very difficult to make friends when you're older. After a certain age people usually have little inclination to explore new territory, including new people. They don't see the value in expending energy beyond their long established/tried and tested routines.

I do wonder if it is also partially due to you being English. You say your DH's family left your wedding reception early which is a bit unusual in any culture.

Sounds to me like you’re doing all
the right things - must be frustrating. I lived in Spain for 6 months, joined a gym and made friends with the ladies there. Was included in coffee outings, meals out etc. I sing with a choir and some of us socialise outside of that.
It’s just finding something where you have a common interest which can help x

I think the post covid world had made for less social interaction generally. People were forced to be isolated and many social groups closed and have not reformed.

Ziggy. Just a thought. Maybe you could meet up with local gransnetters?

As others have said, it’s not just you. I experienced the same situation when we moved to a new area. Everyone had their own group of friends and didn’t need me. I tried several groups WI, NWR etc., I wish I knew the answer for you but it isn’t you.

Ziggy are you in north or south you haven't said. I am in the North in Ballymoney. My daughter livesvin Hertfordshire and is coming home this weekend also

In some communities families are so large and close knit that their lives revolve purely around their families. They will be friendly and polite but their down time is spent with family.

I am half Irish and I do know this is true of my clan! It is always someone’s birthday, wedding, hen party, First Communion, christening, baby shower etc.

It is also very true of the Asian community.

I used to volunteer in a charity shop (only because my daughter volunteered me) and I was the youngest there. Many of the ladies were retired and quite lonely. Some really good friendships were made outside of volunteering.
You could give that a try. Or what about joining a Befriending scheme. My cousin does that and meets up with a lonely lady every few weeks and they both have a good old chat. She looks forward to it.

You sound lovely. Why don’t you mention that you are missing having friends to people you chat to and see how that goes.

My people are mainly Omagh and Newtonards areas. Where are you?

Do you live near Ballymoney?

The volunteering sounds a good ste if you are able to. When mine were at playgroup the mum of one of the playgroup ladies used to come along and just sit and help the children dress up, read stories to them, give them a cuddle.if they were sad, my son loved Nanna Doreen, she helped him settle.in and was always there to do whatever was needed, all while sitting down! Every little one needs a nanna sometimes.
Or going into school and listening to reading, round these parts it is much encouraged to have volunteers come and listen and encourage them. Our local.library has volunteers too, both with children and adults
Always worth trying meetup. Although when I tried it what I learned was that I didn't much enjoy going to a bar, a restaurant or a coffee place with a load of strangers, that I couldn't hear peoperly, at least I have it a try. I tried a couple more groups but the walking group was more for the fit and the group for going to events or concerts together never seemed to be going anywhere I could get to
Do they have the U3A in Ireland, it's not that interesting round my area but a friend's U3A group go on some wonderful outings, have great speakers and do fun things. If I lived nearer I would for sure join them

No it's not just you .

I think that some areas are unfriendly .
It's really unfriendly where I live in the UK .It didn't used to be .
It's getting worse .
Our local club is now only open to those , who hire it for special occasions .

It could because you are English , though I have found the Irish contingent in my family very friendly and welcoming .
We don't have an exactly glowing history as we colonised Ireland since the times of King John .
I'm really ashamed of it .

Just a thought , but are you Catholic ?
Would going to your local church help ?
We welcome every denomination at my church and offer many social activities to which many come , but not to the services .There is no obligation .

Maybe other people feel as lonely as you do .

Take a deep breath and send out some afternoon tea invitations and see who comes .
You can always freeze that extra cake !
You just might make some new friends .
Wishing you lots of luck .

I'm another who knows what you mean, I did join one local group but that sadly closed and I hadn't been there long enough to make any actual friends. Small village, mostly older people who have lived here for donkey years and none of them very lively or seemingly with any interests outside their village life. I also live a couple of miles out of the village so don't see any people passing by on the busy road. I've lost all confidence to try joining anything else on my own.

I don't know whether you could make a breakthrough by volunteering for a local charity in someway where people work as a group, perhaps a wildlife one if you like that sort of thing or in a charity shop or local museum/national trust type operation.

I hope all goes well with the knee surgery Ziggy and also volunteering in the local children’s ward, which should be very rewarding for you. When I mentioned moving back to your ‘home town’, I meant where you lived before in Ireland. Presumably, you still have friends/family there? Is that a possibility for you?

Sadly, I think it’s more to do with age than location. I think people in their 60s are settled in their family/friendship groups and not looking for new friends. I’m in the same boat - widowed, moved to a new place, joined umpteen groups. Everyone in each group is friendly, but nobody wants to meet up outside the sessions. I’m just resigned to pottering around by myself now.

Here's a volunteering site -
www.volunteer.ie/

And a friendship site - I haven't used this but it may be worth looking at...
bffinder.ie/