Missing friends, feeling lonely

It happens in some parts of Ireland. As you said, the community in which you now live is very different. You’re lucky that people are pleasant, in some parts they are not pleasant to an English person.

I’d look to see what community groups are nearby and join up, look to see if there are any “neighbourhood” websites such as “next door”.

Churches?? Local community choirs? Voluntary work? All are ways of meeting people.

Are you in Southern Ureland or Northern Ireland?

I worked for an Irish Company many years ago and visited Dublin several times, my husband is Irish and I’ve been to Belfast too, I’ve always found the Irish very very friendly 😊

Ireland!

No , its not just you. Its very hard to break through and find friends. I go to classes and people nod and smile and pass the time of day. Nobody wants to engage other than that and it becomes embarassing asking.

I do think this phenomena of isolation and lonliness is everywhere and amongst all ages.

zakouma66

No , its not just you. Its very hard to break through and find friends. I go to classes and people nod and smile and pass the time of day. Nobody wants to engage other than that and it becomes embarassing asking.

I do think this phenomena of isolation and lonliness is everywhere and amongst all ages.

I think it just takes time, a good few months, to get to the point where one feels ready to both ask others to a coffe and to accept an invite. Just hang in in there and keep smiling

Look out for things like a knit and natter group. I joined one and was made very welcome.

Cossy, thank you for replying, much appreciated, as I said I've been in same village 9 years (more than a few months lol). As you say the Irish are friendly, both my husbands were/are Irish but I find in this part people smile, have the "craic" but don't want to take it any further. I've joined groups, got chatting to ladies my age but as soon as I've invited them for coffee they are in a rush to get away.
There are lots of church activities on "both sides of the community " but I'm not religious and maybe that's part of the problem

You could join a friendship group, there are a few online, people in those groups are actually looking for friends where as people at work or at classes may already have their established friends or routines with no room for anymore friends.

When I moved to where I am now the neighbours were very friendly and one in particular seemed to want more of a friendship but I dont have time to commit to anyone else so although friendly kept my distance.

Ziggy You say you’re not religious and I appreciate many ways of meeting new people are church based. I’m not sure whether you’re living north or south in Ireland but there are active Humanist Groups in many regions, who I’m sure would make you welcome.

In fact the Humanist Convention 2022 was held in Belfast for the first time. I’ve just attended this year’s Convention in Cardiff with 500 others. Some well informed and interesting speakers from many disciplines. We are a growing group.

Ziggy 62 it isn't easy to make friends at any age and I think now that people have so much going on in their own lives and home entertainment can be all absorbing. My friends are about 6 in number and I have known all of them years. I have made one new friend in the last 5 years and sadly had to move from that area 80 miles from her. I golf and the club love to tell people how friendly they are - yes but on the course or if a golfing holiday is proposed. As for the conversation... GOLF. Not for me I like a variety so I am not one of the In Crowd. However through FB I have me some women on line who are starting a new friendship group in Wetherspoons - sounds good to me I am going to go. Please have a look round for opportunities which may not look hopeful but do keep trying to join groups. You sound like a lovely friendly person to me and someone soon is surely going to take up your offer of friendship.

Ziggy62

Cossy, thank you for replying, much appreciated, as I said I've been in same village 9 years (more than a few months lol). As you say the Irish are friendly, both my husbands were/are Irish but I find in this part people smile, have the "craic" but don't want to take it any further. I've joined groups, got chatting to ladies my age but as soon as I've invited them for coffee they are in a rush to get away.
There are lots of church activities on "both sides of the community " but I'm not religious and maybe that's part of the problem

Don’t give up and I wish you the very best

No, its not just you. I am in exactly the same boat as yourself Ziggy62. I have lived here with DP nearly 7 years now. I have joined every type of social group from walking, reading, yoga, knitting, WI among others to build a social life and make friends but it has been very disappointing. I've given up on most of them. My immediate next door neighbours are lovely but they are the only ones I get to have a chat with, usually over the garden fence but its not a daily thing. Can be once in a while. None of the other neighbours even acknowledge me when they clearly know I am about. I find it quite frustrating tbh. The people at the various activities do nod and smile but everyone just goes home at the end of the session. It was so different when I lived in London, everyone in the street would stop and chat. We would always help each other out when needed. We would chat to other neighbours in the local pub. I miss it all so much. OH is quite introvert and doesn't feel comfortable socialising. If he goes before me I will be very much alone. Its a worry. I do have a part time job but again, although everyone is very nice it hasn't enabled me to build any friendships. I too miss the female chats and companionship. There is nothing to compare with a female bond.

Yes so hard when you join groups and don't feel as though you are part of it apart from a nod and a smile. People are often set in their ways as they age and it becomes more difficult to make new friends. Perseverance is the only way. Just make sure the groups that you join are of interest to you rather than just something to do. Other people there may feel the same. I often find that approaching someone for a chat can break the ice.

There are lots of church activities on "both sides of the community " but I'm not religious and maybe that's part of the problem

Could you join one? And explain at the same time that you are not religious?

I would suggest that joining in the activities of one church would be noticed by members of the other - counterproductive.

Thank you for all your replies
I have looked into the suggestions made. I'm not (or at least I wasn't) a shy, quiet person. I chat away easily when I'm working but no longer have the confidence to get involved with groups or try to make friends.
We joined local leisure centre few weeks ago, one guy told my husband he was swimming the wrong way, when we went for coffee after, everyone was in their own friendship groups, no one spoke
I'm home alone today, weather is miserable and I just wanted to off load
Thank you for listening, much appreciated xxxx
Oh my daughter is coming over this weekend so that is something to look forward to

Ziggy62

Thank you for all your replies
I have looked into the suggestions made. I'm not (or at least I wasn't) a shy, quiet person. I chat away easily when I'm working but no longer have the confidence to get involved with groups or try to make friends.
We joined local leisure centre few weeks ago, one guy told my husband he was swimming the wrong way, when we went for coffee after, everyone was in their own friendship groups, no one spoke
I'm home alone today, weather is miserable and I just wanted to off load
Thank you for listening, much appreciated xxxx
Oh my daughter is coming over this weekend so that is something to look forward to

I think society and people have changed.

Sorry but I do and you have to work hard at it now.

Oh believe me in the last 9 years I have worked really hard at it. Joined groups, smiled and chatted to people, invited work colleagues to our home for summer bbq, out for coffee (happened twice in 4 years) , invited husband's family numerous times (they came occasionally but never stayed long, they didn't even manage to stay for the whole afternoon of our wedding reception). Invited neighbours to call in but they never have.
Maybe it's because I'm English, maybe I'm boring, maybe folk are very busy with their own families/friends. I truly don't know as it's a strange situation I've never experienced before

I think it’s because you’re English, which is sad. Nothing you can do to change that but would your husband consider moving back to where you lived before?

Yes, sadly I think you're right, which is incredibly depressing as I can't do anything to change that.
Unfortunately we can't move back due to his job. Thank you for your honesty, much appreciated

Ziggy62

Yes, sadly I think you're right, which is incredibly depressing as I can't do anything to change that.
Unfortunately we can't move back due to his job. Thank you for your honesty, much appreciated

I don't think its anything to do with nationality. I am British, I have lived in the same place for years. If you have no bond with people eg the school gate, dog walking, its very hard to break through.
Lonely times, you have to fall back on your own resilience.

I go dog walking most days some people smile and say hello, some don't.
As I've said I lived in a different part of the country for over 10 years and made so many friends so quickly.

Thats lovely that you have that nice personality and can make friends.

although you are not religious, i wonder if you could get involved in some of their social outreach activity.
soup kitchens, food banks, whatever they do for and in the local community.
that's if you are interested in doing some kind of voluntary work.
could you return to england, or is your husband against that.
what about the area you moved from in ireland, any chance of returning there.
your in-laws sound unusually unfriendly for Irish people, esp leaving a celebration early.
what about some kind of folk dancing, of a gentle kind.
different areas do have different feels or norms of social interaction.
eg having worked in inner London, i find generally a more friendly, humourous, ready to engage atmosphere than the snobby burbs, where people are interested in one-upping each other on houses and cars.
i hope it gets better for you, OP.