When being helpful not being helpful & drives you crazy

Feelingmyage55

I wonder if your relative is more accustomed to travelling with from her home (husband, adult child) and is finding setting off alone difficult? Maybe even locking up alone is a challenge.

Feelingmyage55
Sorry , I have only just seen your response, no it wouldn’t be that as she is not with anyone else married or otherwise & also this is a person who for many years worked I. a position of responsibility involving alcohol, late nights & locking up .

Excellent .

Have a lovely time.

Thankyou to everyone who gave advice on my op . I can say that the ‘ train ticket ‘ has now been purchased & we will get to hopefully have a good time at our event .

biglouis
Omg the words ‘ being used’ comes to mind , he sounds like quite an obnoxious person .

Doodledog
Thankfully all has been booked now but a bus or coach would have taken a lot longer than the train .
Funnily enough after all of the going & frowing re tickets etc , when we spoke she didn’t even mention the ‘ticket gate scenerio ‘ lol .

Tanjamaltija

Why are you even bothering with all this hassle? You go, and if she comes, she will have arrived.

Tanjamaltija
I did ask myself that question 😂

grandtanteJE65

You ask how hard it can be to use a trainapp?

Well, that depends on the following:

I have no idea what your trainapp is like, as I don't live in Britain, but the Danish railway company's online booking service is a nightmare to use, even if like me, you are completely used to booking things online.

Anyone who can barely use a computer or smartphone really will need someone to do it for them.

Quite apart from that, your relative may be regretting ever having said she would go on this trip - have you asked her whether that is the problem or whether she wants you to book for her (if you are willing to do so, that is)?

I would think doing so would be easier than the situation you describe.

grandtanteJE6
I agree some apps can be difficult to navigate but the one I used & suggests she use was ‘not’
Of course I asked as the cost of the concert ticket had to be met by her as well as the hotel ,if she had t wanted to go she would of said , also if she couldn’t of afforded it she would have said so .
I did ask the question of booking for her but had no response.
However it is all now booked finally & we are looking forward to the event .

I agree, biglouis. It feels as though honouring commitments is going out of style, and I really don't like it.

I run a social (hobby-based) group, and had to move the meetings to my house, as when we rented premises people would miss meetings for their own reasons, and then not think they should pay their share of the rent for that week. Obviously the rent was the same each week, so if someone didn't pay it went up for everyone else, but in some cases it was impossible to get them to understand that they still owed it even if they weren't there.

Now that we meet at my house it's the same - no rent, but people still drop in and out, knowing that others are relying on their input and that I am expecting to host everyone. Obviously things crop up that mean people can't always attend things, but as often as not it is more a case of 'a better offer'. It's very annoying.

Breaking appointments seems to be a trend now. Some people will make an arrangement and then feel free to drop it because a more desirable one comes up. I have never done that because my grandmother taught me that unless an real emergency arrives you should always keep to the first arrangement. That was how it was in her social circle.

Years ago a colleague invited himself, his girlfriend and two friends around to my home that evening because they had "been let down". I was at firt reluctant because I catered for one. They said oh dont worry about food, we will bring pizza and wine. At lunch time I was quite looking forward to the evening. I went out, drew some cash and bought fruit, cheese and more wine. I felt it would have looked mean for people to have to bring their own food even though they more or less invited themselves. Later that day the colleague rang to say they would not be coming after all because they had another invitation. Needless to say he got a very cold response from me. He could never see what it was that he had done wrong. His reasoning "Well after all we were bringing our own food". No consideration that they had been prepared to make use of me when it suited and drop me like a stone when something more desirable came along. I was never again "friends" with the colleague. he had treated me with contempt so I treated him with coolness and distance therafter,

He told me "You have some very old fashioned ideas, The world is changing fast." The world may be changing fast but keeping your word and good manners are never out of style.

Flaky people drive me mad. I just can't understand why people agree to things they don't want to do - it's incredibly selfish to pull out of things at the last minute. It disrupts arrangements, often brings costs to those who stick to what they agreed, causes disappointment and inconvenience, and for what?

Recently I had a meeting arranged with some friends. Just a coffee, but it had been booked for a long time. I was away and could have stayed on, but came home because this was in the dairy, I don't let people down, and I'd booked the table in a popular cafe which is always busy.

I got to the venue and there was nobody there. It was a bit awkward after a few minutes as the table was booked for five and people who could have used it were being turned away. I sat there for a while then got a message from one person saying she had slept badly and wasn't coming. Another followed this with 'Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot it was today', then a third said that her dog hadn't been well and she didn't want to leave him (she'd been at work all week and left the dog). I rang another friend and arranged for her to join me there and move on to something we'd wanted to do but had been shelved because of the arranged meeting. Whilst waiting for her to arrive the final member of our group arrived - half an hour late.

I don't think people realise that what seems to them to be just cancelling coffee means that others are left having cancelled other possible plans, feeling embarrassed as the cafe is very clearly losing business, not sure at what point to cut losses and leave and so on. They only see their own situation and how it impacts on them.

Re the faffer and the trains - travelling on trains is much more stressful than it used to be. If she hasn't done it for a while, or is unused to travelling along she might be nervous, which is understandable. Is it a straight-through train, or does she have to change? I know it's not your problem really, but could you check to see if there's a bus she could get instead? It might take ages, but there are often fewer variables with a bus, and it might be less scary for her.

Why are you even bothering with all this hassle? You go, and if she comes, she will have arrived.

I agree.. and it's so easy to make acquaintances to do the odd activity with whilst away.. some even become friends in my experience..

This is why Ive always preferred to travel alone. Too much pandering to flaky people.

Like others on here, I am one of the organisers. A few years ago a group of four of us decided to visit the Christmas Market in Salzburg. However, one decided she didn’t like flying, the second couldn’t go on a ferry as she would be sea sick and the third couldn’t use the train and tunnel because she was claustrophobic! Needless to say the trip never happened 🤣

I wonder if your relative is more accustomed to travelling with from her home (husband, adult child) and is finding setting off alone difficult? Maybe even locking up alone is a challenge.

You ask how hard it can be to use a trainapp?

Well, that depends on the following:

I have no idea what your trainapp is like, as I don't live in Britain, but the Danish railway company's online booking service is a nightmare to use, even if like me, you are completely used to booking things online.

Anyone who can barely use a computer or smartphone really will need someone to do it for them.

Quite apart from that, your relative may be regretting ever having said she would go on this trip - have you asked her whether that is the problem or whether she wants you to book for her (if you are willing to do so, that is)?

I would think doing so would be easier than the situation you describe.

I am an organising type of person but I have given up. A friend messed me around so much with choosing a holiday that everything was fully booked and we had to travel at a more expensive time to somewhere not nearly as nice. She could not make up her mind. In the end I said I was happy to go wherever she wanted to go..... but even that didn't help! She kept faffing around, agreeing on a trip and then emailing the next day saying no.

Another time I arranged a coach trip for my Art Group pre pandemic to go down to Dartmouth for the day. They complained about pretty much everything -

"This coach is going too slowly",
"Can the driver divert to drop me at my door?" which everyone suddenly joined in wanting him to do. (He couldn't.)
"I've forgotten to bring any lunch."
"We should have booked for a sunnier day."
"Why isn't there a toilet on board this coach?"

2 people wandered off in Dartmouth and didn't come back to the coach at the appointed time so we had to split up to look for them.

I got home with a migraine! Never again.

You will know in future, if there is one to do it yourself no matter what your friend says. That lot would be too stressful for me to deal with.

I know people like it and sometimes I suspect they can’t be bothered so rely on you to do it all . They will never change !

Oh dear, how awkward. I certainly wouldn’t be planning any more get togethers with this person, unless you want to drive to her house, which I rather doubt.

I have reached the decision that if I want to do something, or go somewhere, I have to be able to manage it myself and make all my own arrangements. It is no good relying on anyone else. My family are lovely, but just too busy and rightly so. The exception will be medical emergencies of course.
Sometimes it means I decide not to get a ticket for something I would really like to go to, if the journey is too tricky, for whatever reason. So be it.

I would never say yes to something to far in the future as I may not fancy it anymore later..
at a group I belong to many put names down at time but the event made a loss because when the time came they didn't get enough people show up.

Does she really want to go on this trip?

Sometimes you can say yes out of politeness when something is being planned months in advance, I have been guilty of that whilst thinking I will cancel nearer the time, wrong I know but when you have someone in group that is enthusiastic it can be difficult at the time to simply say “ I dont want to come”, in this case it could be why she doesn’t want to spend money when she has no intention of going.

Some people are completely exhausting when you try and organise anything with them .
And yet they want to go out .
As it's a relative you are trying harder than you would with a friend !

I've known one of my friends for about five years .
I find organising events with her totally exhausting to the extent that I don't enjoy them and can't face another trip out .
There's the endless discussion about trivia .
What number bus am I getting / did I get ?
What time did I leave the house ?
Don't cross the road !
She doesn't like public transport nor taxis .
She's frightened of the dark .
She claims to have agoraphobia then claustrophobia .
She finds people alarming and frightening .
She has endless food allergies and illnesses and never stops talking about them .
Last time , we saw a film she talked all the way through it . I have no idea what happened .
She helped me with church flowers and drove me so crazy that I agreed to her going home early .
I had so many to do .
I'm sorry to say it , but I've caught her out on endless lies and now the bad tempers has begun - I don't like being snapped at when I go out .
I saw her last week she interrupted my conversation with a friend and I was cool towards her .
I was half tempted to phone or message her about a film that I want to see .
But I'm setting myself up for another disappointment .

Perhaps there is something else going on …Health for example ?

I can see that all this is really annoying. Is this person becoming demented? If so, the anxiety and inability to follow instructions would be typical of that condition.