Am I being Mean

My late DH and I used to entertain a lot. Since his death 20 months ago, kind friend's have continued to include me. But it would stop if I didn't reciprocate.
I kind of get it that SBW is feeling that her sister is taking advantage of her. Is there a difference in their respective incomes? Widowhood makes you poorer.
I would agree with others; just ask your sister if you can visit her, making a nice change for you.

Maybe she feels its difficult inviting you as she would also have to invite your OH - so she would be hosting 2 people whereas you are only hosting one

Why are you miffed? You offered! If you begrudge it just don't invite her.

As you don't feel you can be direct with her, I'm guessing you don't have a close relationship with your sister.

From her point of view, it's not very nice to have anyone feel sorry for you and only do nice things for you for that reason. Do think she feels a loss of status since your brother died and loneliness too? She seems to like being taken care of and perhaps this is something she misses since losing her husband.

As you really don't want to have her to stay and cook for her anymore, which seems to me perfectly reasonable when you don't like people staying over, then maybe suggest you all go out and do something else instead. What about joining a class together or doing something you can all enjoy like attending a concert or visiting a museum, according to your interests. It's good to meet her on equal terms and you'll stop feeling taken advantage of.

If you need an excuse or reason to stop having her over, maybe you could just say your routine has changed or you're busier these days. Most reasonable people would accept that.
I don't know if you get on partiularly well with her. If you don't, there's no reason to keep meeting regularly is there?

MatildaMay

Just give it a miss for one weekend saying you or your husband are ill. You don't have to invite her all the time, your weekends are precious then gradually stop inviting her, if she asks why just tell her that you have had things going on recently but when you can you will pay her a visit and sleep over. See what she says, if she is not happy about you visiting her then stop having her visiting you.

It's only four times a year

Maybe she just doesn't want to be reminded that you are still part of a couple? Could you and she go for a Sunday lunch together - somewhere neutral - for a sisterly natter without hubby?

I think the OP would simply be happy if her sister, once in a while, offered to take them out for Sunday lunch. Nothing more than that. I don't think she is being mean.

I see my sister once a year as she lives quite a distance ( not insurmountable as it’s in the same area of the country). I get the train with three or four changes, about six hours usually. I have invited her and her husband to stay with me many times over the last twenty or so years to no avail and I choose not to wonder why (I have plenty of room!) You are lucky to have a sister so near you and the opportunity to comfort her in her loss. Yes it would be nice if she reciprocated occasionally but perhaps she lacks confidence now she is alone. Perhaps it hasn’t even occurred to her! Do you ever just call in to see her with maybe a quick phone call beforehand? Have you asked her about her social life? With maybe some suggestions for how she might improve or kickstart it? These are all things I would do quite naturally with my own sister if I was fortunate enough to have her close. And if, God forbid, she found herself alone, I would still travel down to see her and definitely more than once a year. I believe the words of our Lord when he said that we should give without expecting to receive.

Every 2-3 months, and you begrudge her having a meal 4 to 6 times a year with you, yes I think you are being mean. Do it because you want to do it or don’t do it at all, your sister probably spends lots time in her house alone, so of course she would rather come to you, it is nice you do this as not every sister would, just do it with kindness and i thought was every week but 4-6 times a year is it really a hardship cooking an extra plateful…

You're not being mean to FEEL miffed, but maybe it would be mean to take action on the basis of that, if she so obviously enjoys and values her stays with you.
You could ask her if you could maybe come to hers occasionally? You might then find out why she isn't inviting you - maybe she's not keeping up with housework etc?

Agree with GSM. It's not that often. Her own house might be a tip now she's on her own. My sis-in-law, who now has Alzheimers, used to draw curtains and meet people on her lawn or in a cafe. Now being well cared for at home. To know all is to forgive all. French saying, of course. Tout savoir est tout pardonner.

Maybe it’s just too overwhelming for her to cook for guests and entertain them in her home? Being widowed knocks your confidence in all sorts of areas. She probably really looks forward to visiting you as it gets her out of her house. You could suggest going away somewhere together, though - maybe a spa break or a trip to London to see a show?

I wasn't widowed, I was left in my late 50s. I can say for sure that it was so lovely to be invited for a meal and/or stay over, it got me out of the house away from everything at home. I took every chance to make new memories, I know it is vastly different but it can be easier to think of other things when you are away from home, and there is one morning when she has company at breakfast.
She will never forget the times with her late husband at home, she won't be trying to do that, just make new memories and find a new normal
Maybe she thinks it's easier for you, she might think your husband would be bored if he came up too, whereas at home he can pop down the shed or something if he wants.
Maybe in the next few months there might be something near hers, maybe an exhibition or a concert , whatever, and you could ask if you could come up and stay .
Yes it's perfectly possible that she has got behind with stuff, maybe she has still got all her late husband's stuff around. And if she'd rather not but says another time try later

MatildaMay

Just give it a miss for one weekend saying you or your husband are ill. You don't have to invite her all the time, your weekends are precious then gradually stop inviting her, if she asks why just tell her that you have had things going on recently but when you can you will pay her a visit and sleep over. See what she says, if she is not happy about you visiting her then stop having her visiting you.

MatildaMay
I think the OP says s her Sister ‘ invites herself’

After my DFIL passed away we had my DMIL most Sundays for lunch, every Mother’s Day, Easter Christmas and new year. She lived close by so it wasn’t an issue as one of us or DS would go and pick her up and take her home. She did invite us for Christmas one year but it was clearly too much for as she had to cook for 7 when she was cooking for herself most days. We always looked upon it as a privilege and look fondly back to these mealtimes as there was a lot of laughter round our table.

I wish I had a sister..

I inherited a fair sum of money out of the blue, so unexpected. I told my sister. A few weeks later her daughter messaged me and told me it was my duty to give my sister some of the money. My sisters in laws died a number of years ago, they inherited everything. It did not cross my mind to ask for anything. I did send her a few hundred pounds telling her what her daughter had suggested. I did not have a thank you, the cheque went through my account two days after I posted it. Cleary my sister had been talking to her daughter about my inheritance (from my late brother-in-law's wife). I do not have anything to do with her now.

It's absolutely horrible being a widow OP, you never get over it. It took me 8 years just to come to terms with it. As it's only for a few weekends a year (and assuming your sister isn't rude or unpleasant to you) I think you should just continue as you are. Visiting you gives her the chance to escape the memories that surround her in her own home. Perhaps you could shake it up a bit with a meal out or a takeaway. Surely you don't have to cook? Could you even go on a short break to a hotel with her?

Floradora9

All I can say is that you are so lucky to have a sister to invite . I envy you .

One can say that about anything that someone else has and you do not, so it is not really relevant to this lady and her problem.

You say you feel miffed and taken advantage off. Why? Did she somehow invite herself?
Maybe you should have made it plain in the beginning that you would tolerate her on condition that she was expected to respond with a similar offer of hospitality.

Same here Floradora.

V3ra
That is a good compromise, we still seem to be the base for big family gatherings, so we very often go out to eat, far more relaxing for everyone.

All I can say is that you are so lucky to have a sister to invite . I envy you .

The next time she mentions coming to you and I would wait for her to mention it, , say could I come to you as it would make a nice change for me. You never really get over being widowed but you have to move forward. I had people here for meals within weeks of my husband dying and it was hard but you have to be hospitable.

Every couple of months is surely not too onerous. You don't need to make a big fuss and push the boat out with fancy meals, just a nice room to sleep in...

When we go to stay with my mother-in-law we have a Chinese takeaway on Saturday night and a Sunday roast at her local pub.
That way it's a nice weekend for all of us 😊