Am I being Mean

Could be a confidence thing about her cooking or she’s just not a capable host? I really don’t like cooking for other people as I’m a very plain cook and even with family don’t feel my meals are fancy enough.

How often do you invite her?

SueBooWoo I can’t imagine ever inviting anyone to stay with me if I begrudged it.

I don’t like cooking for other people but in your sister’s shoes I would return the favour by taking you both out for a meal once a month or so. I would feel miffed otherwise.

Have you been to her home in the past 4 years? I'm wondering if she isn't keeping on top of it and it's overwhelming.

Or thinking of meals may be difficult when you've got out of the cooking habit, but I can see how you feel taken for granted.

I was widowed 20 months ago. It’s tough but I really wouldn’t want to be invited anywhere because someone ‘felt sorry for me for being on my own’

Smileless2012 - Every 2 - 3 months, plus she always stays for New Year

Iam64 - Sorry for your loss. TBH she invites herself saying "shall I come and stay next week/next month etc" and she always says "you always look after me", its just I go out of my way to make her a nice meal/ prep spare room etc, it would just be nice to be invited back even just once a year)

She sounds lonely. If it’s only every 2-3 months I’d just carry on. Maybe she just wants to get away from her own house.

It’s not happening every week then. Perhaps half a dozen times a year. That’s no big deal. She’s your sister. She seems to enjoy the feeling of being looked after now she no longer has a husband to do that or make her feel special. Yes, you are being mean.

I agree whitewave.

Germanshepherdsmum - Hey don't hold back LOL. Thank you I appreciate your directness - maybe I am being mean and now I feel even more guilty but I'm glad you were to the point. I just don't think she 'thinks' or considers others feelings BUT that's not the worse crime in the world. I think its good to get other peoples perspectives on things.

Just give it a miss for one weekend saying you or your husband are ill. You don't have to invite her all the time, your weekends are precious then gradually stop inviting her, if she asks why just tell her that you have had things going on recently but when you can you will pay her a visit and sleep over. See what she says, if she is not happy about you visiting her then stop having her visiting you.

Does she know how you feel? It’s possible that as the single person she is trying to fit around you, as the couple - not wanting to disrupt your weekend routine.

In most circumstances I would much prefer to have people at my house than have to make the effort to travel, to stay in someone else’s bed, eat their choice of food etc, so you may both be seeing it from different perspectives.

Have you asked her if she’d rather host now and then?

MatildaMay

Just give it a miss for one weekend saying you or your husband are ill. You don't have to invite her all the time, your weekends are precious then gradually stop inviting her, if she asks why just tell her that you have had things going on recently but when you can you will pay her a visit and sleep over. See what she says, if she is not happy about you visiting her then stop having her visiting you.

Its 5 or 6 Saturdays a year .....not a great amount

I don't think you are being mean. Human, yes. I think that I would feel the same as it seems to have become an accepted pattern of behaviour. But, she is family and you don't say that she is a difficult person. I would have the odd excuse and arrange to go away for a weekend she suggests or perhaps a day trip away with your other half just to break the habit. Unfortunately, in life there are certain situations where expectations/duties prevail. Perhaps keeping them to a minimum and controlling them yourself will help you feel less miffed. Please don't guilt trip yourself or feel that you are being mean. It is four years since her husband died and time is moving forwards so could you encourage her to perhaps join you for a day activity instead like walking or visiting a National Trust property and keep it to a day away from your home? Good luck whatever and don't feel guilty. You have done a lot so far but patterns do change so long as we change them kindly and gently.

Every 2 or 3 months doesn't sound excessive to me especially for a sibling whose now living alone. If you had her every 3 months that would only be 4 times a year plus New Year.

It sounds like a habit that both of you have got into, and she's not going to question the habit while it's working in her favour.

Perhaps a few tactful hints about wishing for a change of venue every other time, or if your sister's house isn't one you feel you could stay over in, then suggest a meal out.

Do you have the sort of relationship where you could say something along the lines of ‘I’d love to come over to you this time’? She may be thinking that you love inviting her!

I was just going to suggest you see if she’d like you to visit too.
I see midget has suggested this.

life isn't all about transactions, and love certainly isn't.
try to love her while you can.
when we lose someone, that is in my experience, what hits the most; why didn't i love her him more, why didn't i prioritise that.
and then there's nowhere to put the love
that we feel so strongly for the person who is gone.

Be kind and wean her off you. Suggest a night out near her home and drop her off at her home. Take her somewhere with just you and her. Maybe stay over somewhere with her. Take her to an adult break (warner or potters).

My sister has been widowed and it certainly can take more than four years to recover and gain confidence to be single again. I'm sure your sister is very grateful for the company and change of scenery over a weekend with you. I'd give her all the love you can and carry on cooking her a special meal and preparing the bedroom. Imagine being in her shoes.

It sounds like she asks if she can come to you. Maybe you could ask if you can come to her?