Advice on MiL and new baby

How dare she! Her behavior is outrageous. Many mums continue to breast feed until the child is one or even two. We had a friend whose daughter occasionally demanded to be fed until she reached 4 or 5

That should be the last resort JdotJ when all else fails.

I wouldn't let her in the house

I'm so sorry you are going through this with your MIL. This is a special time for you with your baby and her interference seems to be negatively effecting it. Please stay strong and fix your boundaries with her. She sounds pretty uninformed to me and I would worry letting her have sole charge of a baby. Maybe DH can help with setting the boundaries (time to stand up to her he's a daddy now) and I agree that you could spend time with other mums/new babies who will share their experiences and advice. Good luck!

Has your Mil ever had any mental health issues, documented or otherwise? The excessive possessiveness rings alarm bells.

Your MIL is a very complex woman she is also completely out of order!!!
I know how difficult it must be for your DH but he really must step up to the plate and GET HER TOLD!!!!!
sounds like your MIL may have a mental health issue , that being said she needs putting straight.
Of course you are the most important person in your baby's life!
You have been very patient but now is the time to stand up to her. If it results in her never speaking to you again then that's a bonus !!

Hmmm
.

Dear Joanna, thank you for your response.
I am so sorry to hear about your mum's dementia; it is sad that you cannot share the joy of a new baby with her and hear about your own babyhood.
Do you see friends with young babies? They will put mother-in-law problems into perspective very quickly.
As for wanting to give a breast-feeding baby a piece of bread; the child could choke! You are absolutely right not to allow the baby in her sole charge.

Just noticed the comment about feeding solid food to the baby get the baby 'off that breast'.

For me that would be the red warning lights, bells and klaxons. Any one, let alone a woman who has had a baby, who thinks and talks like that, has got a serious problem, not mental illness but serious hang-up about something and I would not let her out of my sight while she was in the same house as your baby.

We all know that 'breast is best' and that has been the mantra for the last 50 years at least. The recommendation that weaning a baby onto solid food should, ideally not start until 6 months, has been standard recommendation for several decades.

I think it might be an idea to talk about this problem with a Health Visitor or someone at a mother and baby clinic. This sort of talk from your MiL, suggests someone whose thinking is seriously disordered.

I think you're coping admirably in very trying circumstances joanna, your husband too as it cannot be easy for him seeing the impact that this his mum's behaviour is having on you.

Continue to stand your ground and as Skye has posted, be pleasant but firm .

Thank you eazybee - the thing is, I have felt instinctively that the behaviour has been out of order (as you have clocked), but I have genuinely doubted myself because of the constant implications that I’m not coping / not well - I have experienced anxiety since becoming a mum in quite a big way (mostly around people coming to see the baby who are unwell / have cold sores etc). MIL has implied that my not wanting to leave the baby with her is linked to that, so I’ve genuinely been questioning my own thoughts at times. She can also be generous, so it’s not as straightforward as I’ve put in here - the examples are just some of the picture (I’ve never posted on an internet forum before and can see the pitfalls of it for this reason.)

My own mum has dementia so I can’t talk to her about it, hence coming here as a bit of a cry for help.

Huge thanks for the advice.

The husband is the crucial person here, as he is the father and should be parenting on an equal basis.

On the reverse side my son was excluded from caring for his child from day one. Mum even told me she didn't need him now she had the baby.

I could see what lay ahead and my instincts were right. I am just trying to say that a baby has two parents.

You mention that you don't see your own parents that much. Do you see other people, especially other mums? Breast feeding does not mean other people can't help with the childcare.

I know I was grateful for any help I could get with my babies. It is hard and persistent work. Grandparents do have an important place in your child's life, but it is about getting the balance right.

I think you need to find that balance, but you have to include your husband too.

TBH I would make it a rule that you visit her in her own home, then you can walk away when you have had enough.

Enough of dropping in on you.

Show these messages , especially from Sky17 , to your husband

*would definitely

Tuaim

You are a new mum. It is your baby and still very young at 4 months. Your MIL has had her family. It is now your turn to be a mum and hers to be a grandmother. Set your boundaries firmly but politely and stick to them. I would be using the phrases: We are fine, I am fine. We can manage this. I'll let you know if....etc The problem is if you let something become a habit, it will be a lot harder to break down the line. Please be strong, stand up for yourself and your baby and forge a life for your little family. Don't allow yourself to be railroaded by other dominating people. This is your life and the time with your children is so short. Enjoy and make it yours. All the best.

I agree with this ^

You are the most important person in your baby's life.

A quick Google leads to information that solid foods can be bad for a newborn baby. They can increase the risk of illnesses like diarrhoea. Trying to give solid food to a newborn shows a lack of sense that would put me off letting that person have the baby on her own for some time.

I will definitely stick to your guns. I would be pleasant but firm.

^I mean re: DH that it’s been normalised for him. She is very overbearing with him and does sort of infantilise him I realise. His childhood was not a straightforward experience.

@smileless2012 thank you - and to everyone else that has replied!

She grabbed the baby when he was laying across my lap (so my arms weren’t around him, but on him if you see what I mean). Another time I was holding him around his waist as he was standing on the settee - she was next to me and just grabbed him and walked off. I just stood up and took him back when she did this both times (he bawled his eyes out immediately) and she didn’t try for a third go.

The solid food was more a case of insisting that the baby try the food I or she was eating - so holding out a piece of bread etc. I should have been clearer that she didn’t actually try and spoon baby purées to him. But the insistence was very full on that I was keeping him hungry by not giving him baby jars etc. I have just consistently said “that may have been appropriate for others but it isn’t for our child”. I think she believes once baby is on solids it means I’m no longer required to be with him all the time (she has said as much). She also once told me the only reason the baby wanted to be near me because I was “just walking food” and it wasn’t anything about me per se. Gosh it feels wild writing this out.

My DH has grown up with her and is an only child, so I think some of this is just what he’s been exposed to. He supports me however and always backs me up - she doesn’t seem to recognise him as a parent, just her son - it’s very weird. I’ve asked him to be much more direct with her and he agrees.

All of this advice is so helpful and it’s enabled me to see that I need to be much tougher with her. The nasty comments are always delivered in a concerned or caring tone, which makes it quite confusing in the moment - e.g. I’m worried about you, all this pressure to be with the baby all the time, etc.

A poster has mentioned MH - I think increasingly this is an issue tbh.

Huge thanks to you all for weighing in! I started to feel like I was going mad!

It seems that in some cultures mothers and mothers-in law expect to raise the newborn babies; is this the case here?

However, you are the child's mother and he is your responsibility, not his grandmother's.
She is systematically undermining your child care; "she tried to give the baby solid food from almost day one to get them “off that breast”, told DH that I don’t know how to look after myself (and therefore can’t take care of baby)" and constantly pushing to gain control of the child.
Her references to your husband's previous wife sound a deliberate attempt to undermine your relationship.
Your husband needs to tell her firmly that all the above must stop; there is no way of 'reassuring her' and I don't think you expect it to happen. If your husband won't stand up to her then you have to ; this is your baby's welfare you are protecting.
Start by limiting the time she is spending in your house and make it very clear she is not to interfere with feeding and your routine. If it comes to a confrontation so be it. I somehow don't think you are quite as naive a you wish to appear and you know perfectly well her behaviour is seriously out of order.

ps it was TerriBull who suggested banning the m.i.l.

joanna1990

Thank you for sharing your daughter’s experience, and I’m sorry she went through it!
Yes it feels like she’s trying for a rerun to be honest - lots of the comments she makes start with “when DH was a baby…”. When she asserts that she’s going to look after the baby, she always refers to things she did with DH as a baby - e.g. she’ll talk to our son and say “I’m going to take you to x,y,z like I did with DH, and we’ll do x,y,z just like I did with him”.
I’m relieved to hear that your daughter’s MiL got over this eventually - how old were the children when she eventually stopped doing this? It’s quite exhausting!

About 2ish. Her own daughter told her she shouldn’t be doing that and she listened to her. A bit sad,really. We get on fine now,though. Our grandson is at uni, so it was a long time ago.

I agree M0nica banning her is not the answer, it doesn't solve anything and can be a catalyst for further problems.

If you haven't done so already joanna you need to discuss this with your husband and then I suggest that you limit her visits to when he's at home so you are not having to deal with this alone.

How did she manage to snatch your baby out of your arms? Where did this solid food she tried to give your baby come from? You say she tried to do this almost from day one!!! do you mean when your baby was just a few days old? How does she refuse to give the child back to you?

You and your husband need to stand your ground. If she comes toward you giving the impression that she's going to take the baby, turn away or get up and walk away saying she can hold her GC when you're ready.

If you're asking her to hand your baby back and she refuses, repeat your request with your arms forward in readiness to take hold of your baby until she concedes.

My m.i.l. walking out of the room with one of our boys was never an issue, she'd baby sat a couple of times by the time our eldest was 4 months old but I can understand why, with everything else that's going on, you're not comfortable with this.

You and your husband need to be a united force. Good luck.

M0nica

I am not sure I would ban her, as Tuam suggests, but I would restrict how much time she spends with you. You do not say how frequently you see her, but perhaps restrict her visits to twice a week for 2 hours or something like that.

I would also firmly contradict her when she says you are not the most important person in your childs life. Say to firmly, but kindly, that if she were to look in any baby book. The first thing she would read would be paragraphs about the importance of the mother and child relationship.

One question that occurs to me is that she herself may have mental health problems. You do not mention your DH's father, so I assume she is single/divorced, lives alone, possibly lacks other friends and interests, so over focusses on being central to her son's life.

In the end, your DH is going to be the person that deals with this and has to tell his mother firmly, that she is a grandmother, not the mother and that in your house she must respect your rules over bringing up your child.

Rules could be not saying or suggesting in any way that your child needs anything but their parents, not taking him out of the room, and away from his parents at any point, anywhere when allowed to hold him.

Did I suggest banning MIL? I did suggest setting boundaries and using firm but polite phrases which would set those boundaries. Never mind. The OP sounds like a very savvy young mum and I am sure she will make the right decision for her and her family.

Solid food to get off that breast! How dare she!!!!

I am not sure I would ban her, as Tuam suggests, but I would restrict how much time she spends with you. You do not say how frequently you see her, but perhaps restrict her visits to twice a week for 2 hours or something like that.

I would also firmly contradict her when she says you are not the most important person in your childs life. Say to firmly, but kindly, that if she were to look in any baby book. The first thing she would read would be paragraphs about the importance of the mother and child relationship.

One question that occurs to me is that she herself may have mental health problems. You do not mention your DH's father, so I assume she is single/divorced, lives alone, possibly lacks other friends and interests, so over focusses on being central to her son's life.

In the end, your DH is going to be the person that deals with this and has to tell his mother firmly, that she is a grandmother, not the mother and that in your house she must respect your rules over bringing up your child.

Rules could be not saying or suggesting in any way that your child needs anything but their parents, not taking him out of the room, and away from his parents at any point, anywhere when allowed to hold him.