Advice on MiL and new baby

Sorry you're going through this. Stick to your guns. Your MIL is totally out of line. There's no reason for MIL to be alone with your baby unless you choose to ask her to babysit, and to refuse to hand your baby back to you when you ask, along with the other issues you've mentioned, is totally unacceptable. You are the most important person in your baby's life atm regardless of what she would like to think. Sorry I have no advice on how to handle this ridiculous behaviour but I hope your DH supports you in this and that things improve soon.

Where does your husband stand?

I think your husband should be your gatekeeper here - it is his mum and she is totally wrong. Don't be bullied. You have been kind and generous so now is the time to be strong if you want to control your own life here.

This is your baby and you need to stand together as a family.
I do hope your husband can step up here and be useful.

Good luck.

Red flags, so many red flags, if semaphore flags were red they would spell out "Run for the hills"

My stomach tightened while reading this. My mil was a pain in the neck and caused a lot of stress for me. She didn't do that with my baby but she would give unasked for advice and make nasty remarks about how I was raising our kids and what a bad housekeeper I was. My husband didn't want to get involved and thought I should just laugh it off. Going to a marriage counselor finally got him to stand up to her.

Is this her first grandchild ? It reminds me very much of when my daughter’s mother in law was like this with our grandson. He was her first grandchild. It was stressful for my daughter . Now all the kids are much older and it doesn’t happen,thank goodness. I think she was reliving her time as a mother in retrospect, she even bought herself a pram and had a room set aside for him. We thought it was awful, my daughter used to confide in us and let off steam.

Thank you for sharing your daughter’s experience, and I’m sorry she went through it!
Yes it feels like she’s trying for a rerun to be honest - lots of the comments she makes start with “when DH was a baby…”. When she asserts that she’s going to look after the baby, she always refers to things she did with DH as a baby - e.g. she’ll talk to our son and say “I’m going to take you to x,y,z like I did with DH, and we’ll do x,y,z just like I did with him”.
I’m relieved to hear that your daughter’s MiL got over this eventually - how old were the children when she eventually stopped doing this? It’s quite exhausting!

You are a new mum. It is your baby and still very young at 4 months. Your MIL has had her family. It is now your turn to be a mum and hers to be a grandmother. Set your boundaries firmly but politely and stick to them. I would be using the phrases: We are fine, I am fine. We can manage this. I'll let you know if....etc The problem is if you let something become a habit, it will be a lot harder to break down the line. Please be strong, stand up for yourself and your baby and forge a life for your little family. Don't allow yourself to be railroaded by other dominating people. This is your life and the time with your children is so short. Enjoy and make it yours. All the best.

P.S. Forgot to say, you sound like a very nice young lady to even consider this. I had teeth even in my 30s!

How does your DH feel? He should be backing you up and it is his place to have a talk with his mother. If she gets upset then tough!

She is being completely out of order and has no right to bully you. I’m sure you are a lovely mum, but you must both set boundaries

Hithere

Where does your husband stand?

Good question.

A 4 month old baby is tiny. She’s being ridiculous, of course you are the most important person in its life! Sadly I think she’s sending that she can bully you and your husband needs to put her firmly straight on this.

Your original question was about reassuring your mother-in-law...

trying to figure out how best to reassure MiL in order to try and get her to stop trying to run off with the baby.

What do you think she needs reassurance about? That she will be important in the little ones life? You can try telling her "when he's older" (unspecified) I think he will enjoy xyz with you but at the moment I feel I want to abc.

She cannot see in your head and only you know how you feel.

Don't give her the opportunity to "fact" things which leaves space for another opinion so, for example, I'd she says you "need a break from patenting" - "well, at the moment I feel happy to be parenting full time".
I feel he needs me now.
I feel that I need him back now

If she challenges your feelings with "why do you feel that," you can just say that you have no idea and then repeat it.

If she fact checks with or "I read that..." about say, weaning, holding etc you can still say "yes, that's interesting but I feel that ... feels best to me".

Your feelings as a mum are genuine and need to be trusted.

I feel that this is the right way at the moment.

Maybe you are trying too hard here.
As someone said above, she has done parenting her way and now it's your turn.

Has she "let go" of your husband I wonder? Or maybe she's always been a bit like this in your life?

Also, you are breastfeeding so baby really only needs you. This is simply the truth. If you are kind enough to share your baby with anyone else should be your choice.

I was pretty "mean" with people around my babies when they were tiny and hated passing them about.
You are already more generous than I was (not that one way is the "right" way)! Like Tuaim I would have been pretty snappy with anyone not listening to "no".
No thank you
No I'm fine
No I'd rather...
No. Not yet.

Good luck.

How can you be expected to put up with her ridiculous behaviour? Your husband needs to ban her until she comes to her senses and stops behaving in such a propriotal manner around your baby. You are the most important person in your child's life, she isn't. I know what they'd say on MN. Don't let her in!

Stand up to this woman for yours and the baby’s sake your husband needs to step upto the mark and get her told. How dare she try to spoon feed your child. If you are not able to talk with her face to face send her a letter explaining that her behaviours are out of order and that you will stop her having contact with your child if it continues. I know this sounds harsh but this is your baby and your family life she is interfering with. Constantly bringing up your husbands ex is mean. It may cause a big rift but so be it she is out of order. I am a grandmother of 4 I love them all dearly but took my daughter and daughter in laws views on parenting so that I could help them. Be strong I had my husbands aunt behaving like this years ago and ended up avoiding her eventually and going no contact she made my life miserable.

I am not sure I would ban her, as Tuam suggests, but I would restrict how much time she spends with you. You do not say how frequently you see her, but perhaps restrict her visits to twice a week for 2 hours or something like that.

I would also firmly contradict her when she says you are not the most important person in your childs life. Say to firmly, but kindly, that if she were to look in any baby book. The first thing she would read would be paragraphs about the importance of the mother and child relationship.

One question that occurs to me is that she herself may have mental health problems. You do not mention your DH's father, so I assume she is single/divorced, lives alone, possibly lacks other friends and interests, so over focusses on being central to her son's life.

In the end, your DH is going to be the person that deals with this and has to tell his mother firmly, that she is a grandmother, not the mother and that in your house she must respect your rules over bringing up your child.

Rules could be not saying or suggesting in any way that your child needs anything but their parents, not taking him out of the room, and away from his parents at any point, anywhere when allowed to hold him.

Solid food to get off that breast! How dare she!!!!

M0nica

I am not sure I would ban her, as Tuam suggests, but I would restrict how much time she spends with you. You do not say how frequently you see her, but perhaps restrict her visits to twice a week for 2 hours or something like that.

I would also firmly contradict her when she says you are not the most important person in your childs life. Say to firmly, but kindly, that if she were to look in any baby book. The first thing she would read would be paragraphs about the importance of the mother and child relationship.

One question that occurs to me is that she herself may have mental health problems. You do not mention your DH's father, so I assume she is single/divorced, lives alone, possibly lacks other friends and interests, so over focusses on being central to her son's life.

In the end, your DH is going to be the person that deals with this and has to tell his mother firmly, that she is a grandmother, not the mother and that in your house she must respect your rules over bringing up your child.

Rules could be not saying or suggesting in any way that your child needs anything but their parents, not taking him out of the room, and away from his parents at any point, anywhere when allowed to hold him.

Did I suggest banning MIL? I did suggest setting boundaries and using firm but polite phrases which would set those boundaries. Never mind. The OP sounds like a very savvy young mum and I am sure she will make the right decision for her and her family.

I agree M0nica banning her is not the answer, it doesn't solve anything and can be a catalyst for further problems.

If you haven't done so already joanna you need to discuss this with your husband and then I suggest that you limit her visits to when he's at home so you are not having to deal with this alone.

How did she manage to snatch your baby out of your arms? Where did this solid food she tried to give your baby come from? You say she tried to do this almost from day one!!! do you mean when your baby was just a few days old? How does she refuse to give the child back to you?

You and your husband need to stand your ground. If she comes toward you giving the impression that she's going to take the baby, turn away or get up and walk away saying she can hold her GC when you're ready.

If you're asking her to hand your baby back and she refuses, repeat your request with your arms forward in readiness to take hold of your baby until she concedes.

My m.i.l. walking out of the room with one of our boys was never an issue, she'd baby sat a couple of times by the time our eldest was 4 months old but I can understand why, with everything else that's going on, you're not comfortable with this.

You and your husband need to be a united force. Good luck.

joanna1990

Thank you for sharing your daughter’s experience, and I’m sorry she went through it!
Yes it feels like she’s trying for a rerun to be honest - lots of the comments she makes start with “when DH was a baby…”. When she asserts that she’s going to look after the baby, she always refers to things she did with DH as a baby - e.g. she’ll talk to our son and say “I’m going to take you to x,y,z like I did with DH, and we’ll do x,y,z just like I did with him”.
I’m relieved to hear that your daughter’s MiL got over this eventually - how old were the children when she eventually stopped doing this? It’s quite exhausting!

About 2ish. Her own daughter told her she shouldn’t be doing that and she listened to her. A bit sad,really. We get on fine now,though. Our grandson is at uni, so it was a long time ago.

ps it was TerriBull who suggested banning the m.i.l.

It seems that in some cultures mothers and mothers-in law expect to raise the newborn babies; is this the case here?

However, you are the child's mother and he is your responsibility, not his grandmother's.
She is systematically undermining your child care; "she tried to give the baby solid food from almost day one to get them “off that breast”, told DH that I don’t know how to look after myself (and therefore can’t take care of baby)" and constantly pushing to gain control of the child.
Her references to your husband's previous wife sound a deliberate attempt to undermine your relationship.
Your husband needs to tell her firmly that all the above must stop; there is no way of 'reassuring her' and I don't think you expect it to happen. If your husband won't stand up to her then you have to ; this is your baby's welfare you are protecting.
Start by limiting the time she is spending in your house and make it very clear she is not to interfere with feeding and your routine. If it comes to a confrontation so be it. I somehow don't think you are quite as naive a you wish to appear and you know perfectly well her behaviour is seriously out of order.

@smileless2012 thank you - and to everyone else that has replied!

She grabbed the baby when he was laying across my lap (so my arms weren’t around him, but on him if you see what I mean). Another time I was holding him around his waist as he was standing on the settee - she was next to me and just grabbed him and walked off. I just stood up and took him back when she did this both times (he bawled his eyes out immediately) and she didn’t try for a third go.

The solid food was more a case of insisting that the baby try the food I or she was eating - so holding out a piece of bread etc. I should have been clearer that she didn’t actually try and spoon baby purées to him. But the insistence was very full on that I was keeping him hungry by not giving him baby jars etc. I have just consistently said “that may have been appropriate for others but it isn’t for our child”. I think she believes once baby is on solids it means I’m no longer required to be with him all the time (she has said as much). She also once told me the only reason the baby wanted to be near me because I was “just walking food” and it wasn’t anything about me per se. Gosh it feels wild writing this out.

My DH has grown up with her and is an only child, so I think some of this is just what he’s been exposed to. He supports me however and always backs me up - she doesn’t seem to recognise him as a parent, just her son - it’s very weird. I’ve asked him to be much more direct with her and he agrees.

All of this advice is so helpful and it’s enabled me to see that I need to be much tougher with her. The nasty comments are always delivered in a concerned or caring tone, which makes it quite confusing in the moment - e.g. I’m worried about you, all this pressure to be with the baby all the time, etc.

A poster has mentioned MH - I think increasingly this is an issue tbh.

Huge thanks to you all for weighing in! I started to feel like I was going mad!

^I mean re: DH that it’s been normalised for him. She is very overbearing with him and does sort of infantilise him I realise. His childhood was not a straightforward experience.