Did your parents influence you in any ways you regret?

@Altogethernow So sorry you got put off the baby name you wanted to use! It should have been your choice. And your poor Sister in that pink dress!!! What was your Mother thinking? I thought everyone wore white dresses until more recently?

No mother should dictate their daughter's wedding dress, it should be the brides choice. She might have been a bit scary if your sister didn't want to object?

Some of your posts remind me of Philip Larkin's poem
'This be the verse'.

Casdon

I can’t be the only one who had great parents, mine are both still alive in their nineties, and they have both always been very supportive, liberal, and caring to all their children. I hope I’ve done as well by my children as my parents have by us.

I had wonderful, fantastic, fabulous parents - apart from "University is for males" - as I said I do slightly wonder if I could have continued, however I am quite happy with my life.

All that to say, yes many had wonderful caring parents.

Bigloise your mother jilted her fiancé for a reason, it takes two to get pregnant, i doubt your father raped her.So your mother chose the man she preferred. Was your birth father abusive in any way or was it just his working class background you resented him for? Its a pity Uncle Jim didn't put the past behind him and have his own family as your mother obviously found him lacking in some areas.
I had lovely parents who put us first, great emphasis on honesty and working hard and owning a problem. Im ashamed now I never appreciated mother more and be a better daughter, as her and my father always listened to us. and I was at times selfish, she died mid fifties and i miss her every day and wish i had told her how great she was. My father and I had a good relationship and were very close as mother’s death made me grow up and appreciate him.

Skydancer

I suppose we all have to remember that each generation has its own values and beliefs. When I was a small child in the 1950s virtually everyone went to church and children went to Sunday School. Women stayed at home and looked after children. Men went to work and often to the pub - women only went when accompanied by a man. Women usually did not drive. Homosexuality was illegal. Capital punishment existed. There are so many examples like this so it is no wonder that our parents thought differently to us. And of course our children will think the same about us.

I come from a working class /scheme background and now I know I'm from a different planet from most on here! My mum was one of a handful in the street who stayed at home and I was embarrassed that she didn't work for a living...but that was my dads choice .Mum also had nights out with her friends and day trips to the coast with all women tea dances.She had a gay friend who was known as Nancy who fancied the pants off my gorgeous uncle and who used to tell us if Uncle had been different Nancy would have been our Aunty...lol
We were raised to be open minded and non judgemental,well my folks had a mixed marriage catholic/protestant in Glasgow where that was a taboo.Friends included people from all walks of life and colours and religions .At 15 I decided I wanted to leave school,no one said you cant just if you dont have a job to start on the day school goes back you'll be joining the class.I had a job so started a job in what became a lifelong career,own business at 21 and always did things my way.My parents were great parents and I hope my kids see us the same way..I couldn't ask for more than that

paddyann54 I am working class too. English protestant dad Irish catholic mum.

You will probably find that quite a few GNs are not exactly middle class.

Indigo8

Some of your posts remind me of Philip Larkin's poem
'This be the verse'.

Oh, absolutely!

I think the main way my mother influenced me was to be loyal to the people I care about.

My father taught me to think for myself and not be led by others.

It was my grandmother who taught me that happiness is being happy with what you have rather than always wanting something else to make you happy.

My parents were on the whole good parents and I loved them both very much. But my father always had an influence on my life, when I left school he decided I should work in a Bank a good job for a woman he thought. I am grateful today for the pension it gave me and on the whole I enjoyed it for almost 20 years but I always wonder what direction my life would have gone if I had made my own choices.
He also didn’t at first like my choice of husband and tried to persuade me to change my mind (even on my wedding day) but I stood my ground and that was a good decision. He was a wonderful husband and father and my father grew to love him very much.

MissInterpreted I could have written your post - with a few minor changes

AreWeThereYet

MissInterpreted I could have written your post - with a few minor changes

I'm so sorry. In a way, I'm glad I'm not the only one, but I'm sad that this was your experience too.

They never encouraged me to go to university despite the fact that I had the ability. I think because neither of them had gone and frankly they didn't understand why you would go. My father was definitely clever enough but nevertheless went on to have a very successful career. I did a Business Studies course as they wanted but at 19 left home to follow a career I loved. We encouraged our sons to go to uni and when they did I studied and got a degree with at the Open University.

My mother was 43 and my father 51 when I was born. I am now 74 so you can imagine how old fashioned they were. My mother was a very unkind woman. Her biggest fear was getting above your station so I never got any praise for achievements although I was quite clever. She told me that she had bought me from British Home Stores and that if I didn't behave she would take me back and buy a new girl. Every time I went in there I was looking for all these poor girls. Silly I know. I left home at 21 and it was wonderful.

My mother's obsession was people not realising how high her station above everyone else was (or should have been)

When I passed my 11+ she was so pleased because people would see me wearing my uniform and know how superior we were.

My parents disappointed me somewhat as they both upped and disappeared before I was two weeks old.

I was an only child and I think my parents just wanted me to have a stress/care free life. My Dad’s parents refused to pay for him to go to Grammar School so his hopes of being an architect were dashed. My Mum had already been diagnosed with RA in its worst form.
I’d passed the 11+ and wanted to go into nursing, but my Mum who was very familiar with hospitals felt a career in medicine would be drudgery.
Anyway, there were three big employers in Durham - the DSS had moved up here and both it and the NHS prescription pricing bureau were in the City. The huge County Hall was just outside the City and I chose to go there as a Local Government Officer, where I got more qualifications through a day release system.
I always regretted not following my own dreams, but in hindsight my marriage to DH would probably not have made such a vocation possible. I have cared for various friends and family members and I’m told I’m the best nurse the NHS has never paid - jokingly of course.

paddyann54 I come from a working class /scheme background and now I know I'm from a different planet from most on here!

Funny that, I've always known I'm from a very different planet than anyone here. Doing as one wants, how one wants, Lovely innit?

No, I can't think of anything they may have influenced me over which I wish they hadn't.

Indigo8

paddyann54 I am working class too. English protestant dad Irish catholic mum.

You will probably find that quite a few GNs are not exactly middle class.

Will someone please tell me what 'middle class' is. What does it matter what your parents did? It is the decisions they made for themselves and their children that counted.

There seems to be a peculiar attitude on GN that if you parents worked in a factory or at peoples instructions and had small incomes they were small minded, against social change and un ambitious and didn't want their children rising above their station. But that is utterly wrong, plenty of parents form backgrounds like that were fierecely ambitious for their children, encouraged their education, gave them opportunities to enrich their lives.

If you look behind almost any one in this country whether, the Princess of Wales or anyone else, judges, and lawyers, anyone living in a 4 bedroomed house, you will find that their upbringing , or their parents or grandparents upbringing in was clearly that of so many people among the manual, semi-skilled or skilled groups.

My maternal grandfather was a docker who became a private detective, but died in WW1. His widow encouraged her daughters, both went to grammar school and one trained as a nurse anrd was eventually the head of a nursing school, the other woked in insurance and then became a teacher and was headmistress of a small prep school.

My paternal grandfather was born Northern Irish, Roman Catholic and illegitimate. Not a good start, but he enlisted in the army worked his way through the ranks, and was commissioned as an officer.

He was ambitious for his children, nearly all his sons went to university, one of his daughters went to one of the country's best art schools, another rose to a senior level in the Civil Service and one bcame a teacher. Wartime made my father a soldier, he was selcted for officer training and made a career in the army.

Where did this division between working class and middle class happen did my grandfather change his class and mindset of a lifetime the day he was commissioned, did my maternal grandfather metamorphisise the day he ceased being a docker ad became private detective?

Of course theydidn't , they remained the same people they always were, continued living in the same houses, keepingthe same friends.

'Class' is rubbish, the only delineator is money - annual income and savings/investments.

Casdon

I can’t be the only one who had great parents, mine are both still alive in their nineties, and they have both always been very supportive, liberal, and caring to all their children. I hope I’ve done as well by my children as my parents have by us.

Skydancer makes a good point about the vast social differences and mores of our parents'eras .

"there are so many examples like this so it is no wonder that our parents thought differently to us. And of course our children will think the same about us".

Re Casdon's quote I wonder if people feel a bit reluctant to say that they had good parents as it seems a bit smug ( not saying Casdon "smug" at all plse read on) alongside , particularly anyone who had a bad time or difficult parents.

I had wonderful parents who are now both "late". They were true aristocrats being full of kindness and honest and hardworking.
I remain immensly grateful to both of them for looking after me when I could not look after myself and for giving me a good example of hard work, resilience, joy from simple things, kindness and honesty.
I am not saying I have always met their high standards!!!
RIP Mum and Dad

M0nica I don't really know how the different classes are defined either.

I did a BBC questionnaire on the subject a few years back and I came out as "Traditional Working Class" so that is how I see myself. If I remember rightly it had little to do with parentage.

Labradora

Casdon

I can’t be the only one who had great parents, mine are both still alive in their nineties, and they have both always been very supportive, liberal, and caring to all their children. I hope I’ve done as well by my children as my parents have by us.

Skydancer makes a good point about the vast social differences and mores of our parents'eras .

"there are so many examples like this so it is no wonder that our parents thought differently to us. And of course our children will think the same about us".

Re Casdon's quote I wonder if people feel a bit reluctant to say that they had good parents as it seems a bit smug ( not saying Casdon "smug" at all plse read on) alongside , particularly anyone who had a bad time or difficult parents.

I had wonderful parents who are now both "late". They were true aristocrats being full of kindness and honest and hardworking.
I remain immensly grateful to both of them for looking after me when I could not look after myself and for giving me a good example of hard work, resilience, joy from simple things, kindness and honesty.
I am not saying I have always met their high standards!!!
RIP Mum and Dad

Sorry if i didn’t express myself very well - what I was trying to say is that my parents were modern in their approach to parenting, they didn’t try to influence their children in any way. They were late 1920s children, who were teenagers in the war, and when it ended their own parents gave them freedom, they passed that attitude on to us, so we were very lucky and chose our own four, very different career paths and ways of life. I can’t remember ever being told ‘you can’t’ or ‘you’re not capable of’.

Indeed , Casdon.
Well said.
Mine too.

The more threads I read on GN the more I realise what good parents I had. We had our ups and downs, but essentially they were utterly unjudgemental. They accepted people for who they were. They were principled and honest.

They wanted their three daughters to get as good an education as possible and good careers. Both my maternal grandfather and great grandfather died in their 30s, leaving wives with children and very little money. So for my mother, in particula,r she wanted us to be able to earn ourselves a good living, so that we would never need to be completely dependent on a man for our support. Shem herself worked when she could. Not easy when, as a service wife, we were constantly on the move.

I've told this story before. I was born into a poor family; mother was a hard-working waitress and the main breadwinner, father was an impoverished but brilliant artist. Whenever I wandered into the kitchen as a small child my mum would say, 'I'm busy love. Go and paint with your dad.' Hence I became a useless cook but productive artist. Have always wondered how much it impacted on me and whether I'd have been interested in cooking (which I hate) if mum had had the time to show me the ropes. I watch TV cookery programmes in awe.