Did your parents influence you in any ways you regret?

Indigo8

paddyann54 I am working class too. English protestant dad Irish catholic mum.

You will probably find that quite a few GNs are not exactly middle class.

Will someone please tell me what 'middle class' is. What does it matter what your parents did? It is the decisions they made for themselves and their children that counted.

There seems to be a peculiar attitude on GN that if you parents worked in a factory or at peoples instructions and had small incomes they were small minded, against social change and un ambitious and didn't want their children rising above their station. But that is utterly wrong, plenty of parents form backgrounds like that were fierecely ambitious for their children, encouraged their education, gave them opportunities to enrich their lives.

If you look behind almost any one in this country whether, the Princess of Wales or anyone else, judges, and lawyers, anyone living in a 4 bedroomed house, you will find that their upbringing , or their parents or grandparents upbringing in was clearly that of so many people among the manual, semi-skilled or skilled groups.

My maternal grandfather was a docker who became a private detective, but died in WW1. His widow encouraged her daughters, both went to grammar school and one trained as a nurse anrd was eventually the head of a nursing school, the other woked in insurance and then became a teacher and was headmistress of a small prep school.

My paternal grandfather was born Northern Irish, Roman Catholic and illegitimate. Not a good start, but he enlisted in the army worked his way through the ranks, and was commissioned as an officer.

He was ambitious for his children, nearly all his sons went to university, one of his daughters went to one of the country's best art schools, another rose to a senior level in the Civil Service and one bcame a teacher. Wartime made my father a soldier, he was selcted for officer training and made a career in the army.

Where did this division between working class and middle class happen did my grandfather change his class and mindset of a lifetime the day he was commissioned, did my maternal grandfather metamorphisise the day he ceased being a docker ad became private detective?

Of course theydidn't , they remained the same people they always were, continued living in the same houses, keepingthe same friends.

'Class' is rubbish, the only delineator is money - annual income and savings/investments.

No, I can't think of anything they may have influenced me over which I wish they hadn't.

paddyann54 I come from a working class /scheme background and now I know I'm from a different planet from most on here!

Funny that, I've always known I'm from a very different planet than anyone here. Doing as one wants, how one wants, Lovely innit?

I was an only child and I think my parents just wanted me to have a stress/care free life. My Dad’s parents refused to pay for him to go to Grammar School so his hopes of being an architect were dashed. My Mum had already been diagnosed with RA in its worst form.
I’d passed the 11+ and wanted to go into nursing, but my Mum who was very familiar with hospitals felt a career in medicine would be drudgery.
Anyway, there were three big employers in Durham - the DSS had moved up here and both it and the NHS prescription pricing bureau were in the City. The huge County Hall was just outside the City and I chose to go there as a Local Government Officer, where I got more qualifications through a day release system.
I always regretted not following my own dreams, but in hindsight my marriage to DH would probably not have made such a vocation possible. I have cared for various friends and family members and I’m told I’m the best nurse the NHS has never paid - jokingly of course.

My parents disappointed me somewhat as they both upped and disappeared before I was two weeks old.

My mother's obsession was people not realising how high her station above everyone else was (or should have been)

When I passed my 11+ she was so pleased because people would see me wearing my uniform and know how superior we were.

My mother was 43 and my father 51 when I was born. I am now 74 so you can imagine how old fashioned they were. My mother was a very unkind woman. Her biggest fear was getting above your station so I never got any praise for achievements although I was quite clever. She told me that she had bought me from British Home Stores and that if I didn't behave she would take me back and buy a new girl. Every time I went in there I was looking for all these poor girls. Silly I know. I left home at 21 and it was wonderful.

They never encouraged me to go to university despite the fact that I had the ability. I think because neither of them had gone and frankly they didn't understand why you would go. My father was definitely clever enough but nevertheless went on to have a very successful career. I did a Business Studies course as they wanted but at 19 left home to follow a career I loved. We encouraged our sons to go to uni and when they did I studied and got a degree with at the Open University.

AreWeThereYet

MissInterpreted I could have written your post - with a few minor changes

I'm so sorry. In a way, I'm glad I'm not the only one, but I'm sad that this was your experience too.

MissInterpreted I could have written your post - with a few minor changes

My parents were on the whole good parents and I loved them both very much. But my father always had an influence on my life, when I left school he decided I should work in a Bank a good job for a woman he thought. I am grateful today for the pension it gave me and on the whole I enjoyed it for almost 20 years but I always wonder what direction my life would have gone if I had made my own choices.
He also didn’t at first like my choice of husband and tried to persuade me to change my mind (even on my wedding day) but I stood my ground and that was a good decision. He was a wonderful husband and father and my father grew to love him very much.

I think the main way my mother influenced me was to be loyal to the people I care about.

My father taught me to think for myself and not be led by others.

It was my grandmother who taught me that happiness is being happy with what you have rather than always wanting something else to make you happy.

Indigo8

Some of your posts remind me of Philip Larkin's poem
'This be the verse'.

Oh, absolutely!

paddyann54 I am working class too. English protestant dad Irish catholic mum.

You will probably find that quite a few GNs are not exactly middle class.

Skydancer

I suppose we all have to remember that each generation has its own values and beliefs. When I was a small child in the 1950s virtually everyone went to church and children went to Sunday School. Women stayed at home and looked after children. Men went to work and often to the pub - women only went when accompanied by a man. Women usually did not drive. Homosexuality was illegal. Capital punishment existed. There are so many examples like this so it is no wonder that our parents thought differently to us. And of course our children will think the same about us.

I come from a working class /scheme background and now I know I'm from a different planet from most on here! My mum was one of a handful in the street who stayed at home and I was embarrassed that she didn't work for a living...but that was my dads choice .Mum also had nights out with her friends and day trips to the coast with all women tea dances.She had a gay friend who was known as Nancy who fancied the pants off my gorgeous uncle and who used to tell us if Uncle had been different Nancy would have been our Aunty...lol
We were raised to be open minded and non judgemental,well my folks had a mixed marriage catholic/protestant in Glasgow where that was a taboo.Friends included people from all walks of life and colours and religions .At 15 I decided I wanted to leave school,no one said you cant just if you dont have a job to start on the day school goes back you'll be joining the class.I had a job so started a job in what became a lifelong career,own business at 21 and always did things my way.My parents were great parents and I hope my kids see us the same way..I couldn't ask for more than that

Bigloise your mother jilted her fiancé for a reason, it takes two to get pregnant, i doubt your father raped her.So your mother chose the man she preferred. Was your birth father abusive in any way or was it just his working class background you resented him for? Its a pity Uncle Jim didn't put the past behind him and have his own family as your mother obviously found him lacking in some areas.
I had lovely parents who put us first, great emphasis on honesty and working hard and owning a problem. Im ashamed now I never appreciated mother more and be a better daughter, as her and my father always listened to us. and I was at times selfish, she died mid fifties and i miss her every day and wish i had told her how great she was. My father and I had a good relationship and were very close as mother’s death made me grow up and appreciate him.

Casdon

I can’t be the only one who had great parents, mine are both still alive in their nineties, and they have both always been very supportive, liberal, and caring to all their children. I hope I’ve done as well by my children as my parents have by us.

I had wonderful, fantastic, fabulous parents - apart from "University is for males" - as I said I do slightly wonder if I could have continued, however I am quite happy with my life.

All that to say, yes many had wonderful caring parents.

Some of your posts remind me of Philip Larkin's poem
'This be the verse'.

@Altogethernow So sorry you got put off the baby name you wanted to use! It should have been your choice. And your poor Sister in that pink dress!!! What was your Mother thinking? I thought everyone wore white dresses until more recently?

No mother should dictate their daughter's wedding dress, it should be the brides choice. She might have been a bit scary if your sister didn't want to object?

I can’t be the only one who had great parents, mine are both still alive in their nineties, and they have both always been very supportive, liberal, and caring to all their children. I hope I’ve done as well by my children as my parents have by us.

My parents were born in 1896 and adopted me against family opposition. I have always admired the stance they took even though my upbringing was old fashioned. It has made me stand up for what I think is right despite what others may say.

My parents were people of their time, born in the early 1900s. Dad felt University was for males. I believe I could have finished, however my husband and I quite wanted to marry and have babies.

I was 16 when I left school, happily married that week - I do wonder, slightly, how my life would differ. However, I'm not one to be managed, programmed, told what to do - my life has been as God planned, perfect for me.

After passing my 11 plus exam, my mother went to see the headmaster of my primary school to check if I really had got through, as she didn't want to spend money on the school uniform and would been happier I had failed.

Oh god, where to start? I have spent most of my life believing that I am never good enough, thanks to my mother! I was very academic and my teachers fully expected me to go to university and I certainly had the grades to do so, but my mother told me very firmly not to 'get ideas above my station' and that they couldn't afford it. I say now that I could have grown up to invent a cure for cancer and bring about world peace and it still wouldn't have been enough for my mother. It's just a shame it took me the best part of 50 years to realise that.

biglouis, but did you never consider that if your mother had married someone else, you wouldn't exist at all. there wouldn't have been a comfortable confident version of you holding tea-parties with cucumber sandwiches

My mother jilted her fiance while he was away serving in the war and fell pregnant by a man who worked on the docks. It was a time when a single man who got a girl pregnant HAD to marry her. My grandparents disowned her. Real life is not like Downton Abbey where the Earl forgives his daughter for running off with the chauffeur,

I later met the man who should have been my father. He was introduced to me by my grandmother as "Uncle Jim" and I did not learn the full story until I was 19. Uncle Jim never married after my mother broke with him. He maintained a friendship with my grandmother who was very fond of him. Sadly he died prematurely asa result of wounds sustained in the war He left money in his will to my grandmother, asking that she use it "as she thought best" to help the daughter he never had (me).

It was that money that helped me go to university as a mature student. Had I been Uncle Jim's daughter I would certainly have gone at 18.