Grandson calling me Mama

I think you are overthinking this especially as you say your GS is autistic.
It’s nothing new and it’s not as if you are trying to supplant her are you?
Quote damewithaname Mon 21-Aug-17 09:30:27
AIBU to think that it is not normal for my MIL (DC grandmother) to refer to herself in conversation a little too often as "Mom/Mommy" when chatting to my children?
As a retired teacher I occasionally had kids(teenagers!) address me as Mum - cue embarrassment all round!
However I sensed underlying discontent with the amount of childcare you do. Is this a problem?

Hi Gram2One, like Keepingquiet's friend my grandchildren call me Mammar and my DH Daddad. No issues with them and it's a bit more distinctive. A friend's DGDs call her Glamma!

Pandapatch: If my grandchildren or great grandchildren called me Nanny, then I’d be so indignant that I’d squark like an annoyed chihuahua.
Nanny’s get paid and have no blood relationship to their charges.

Oh, and what about 'career dads', Lankyladman? What age old credo have they bought into? Or do you just take as read that they can 'have it all'?

I agree with Iam, Norah and VS and probably others on previous pages. I have read everything but my connection is dodgy and if I go back a page I might lose it.

It's not about 'having it all'. Women (like men) work for various reasons. Sometimes we have to, sometimes we want to, sometimes we see it as an obligation to society for political/philosphical reasons. Our choices (and that includes not working) have no bearing on whether or how much we love our children. Childcare does not involve 'palming off' our children - it is very difficult to find someone we trust with our children, and let's remember that there are parents who stay at home but are not great at mothering. Their children get no respite from their depression, resentment or whatever, and the children have no positive female role model. My mum was a SAHM, and didn't enjoy it at all. In those days there were no playgroups or nurseries, and we were with her all day every day until we went to school - cared for in the sense of clean and fed, well behaved - we were afraid to be otherwise - well provided for materially, but not played with or with a sense of fun. My mother resented her life and resented us, although she didn't realise it at the time. My mum has said that she thinks she was depressed, and this could well be the case with hindsight, but I had a miserable childhood, and didn't want to pass that on to my children. I have no doubt that I messed up in other ways, though - we all do, however certain we are that we won't.

It goes without saying that not all mothers (working or SAH) fall into good or bad categories. The vast majority of us do our best, however, and knee-jerk reactions to partial information are unkind and of no help to anyone. How can we know whether the mum has bonded with her son, whether she is deliberately going away so she's not with him, whether she is taking advantage of her mother or what is happening. We know that the grandmother looks after him every couple of months when her daughter is away, and that she 'watches him at weekends', which could mean an hour when her daughter goes to the shops or all weekend every weekend. Why the judgement?

I may be completely and utterly wrong, in which case I apologise, but I'm suspecting that your daughter has not really bonded with her son, and finds it hard to be maternal. has anyone given her ( and you) advice and explanation about how to handle an autistic child?
If i am right , then she needs professional help and support, and I would try to persuade her to to talk to her doctor or maternity staff. As others have said, avoid being judgemental. I used to be a volunteer for Homestart which is a charity which provides support to families who are having difficulties of all kinds. I don't know whether the charity still operates, but there maybe something similar. Mothers often will tell more to a stranger than family.

My grandchildren call their other grandmother “Ma”. - it’s rather sweet 😘

Lankyladman You post is perhaps a bit judgmental, imo.

I was a sahm, raised 4 daughters with a husband who had very long hours - in early years of marriage he'd 2 jobs. Decidedly no extra money.

My mum, sister, aunt were never called to help - I did the work alone. I've no reservations to calling on others if one finds childcare expensive, I do wonder to pushing the children off at the weekends.

People have children because they wish to have children.

Mine was a choice. Neither of us wanted part time work . I
tried part time on return from mat leave, I was doing full time hours for half time pay. Flexible working meant I could work ft but take the children to school or pick up. Then write reports etc after they were in bed,.

We didn’t earn enough to ‘have it all’

I don't know about others but I have to work or I can't afford to live and yes it takes away time and energy from my younger children because everything else has to be done when I get home

It's hard and it does cause issues but it's not a choice

That’s a rather cold, judgemental post lankyladman. It sounds as though you disapprove of the young mother the OP is concerned about. And generalising that to many others

Why does she go away for so very long .four days is a very long time for a child to be away from its parents. Time to talk to your daughter as its you who are enabling this practice.

Lots of 'career mums' have bought into that now-decades old credo that they 'can have it all'. Some can - but "something's gotta give" whether it's stress on the Mum with work demands, the child(ren) can suffer due to lack of the right-level-for- them bonding, the now added monetary expense of a nanny, the nowcput-upon Granny/Sister/Auntie. Some children of richer parents get palmed-off to a /some Boarding School a.s.a.p. too. And whilst they can lap-it-up or survive or prosper -:it does beg the question 'Why did the parents have them in the 1st place - was it simply to ensure 'the dynasty' ?

Hmmmmmm….. you don’t say how old you are but……. I would be on my knees and probably six feet under pretty soon if I was looking after a toddler as frequently as you do! We all start by helping but I know I can’t deal with young children like I used to 5 years ago and I’m now mid-70’s!! Think of some compromises and there is no way I would have done this to my mother!!!

You need to talk to your daughter about this.

You do not say whether she goes away as part of her job, or for pleasure, but leaving a young child, which I am assuming we are talking about here so often is not good, and leaving an autistic child is even more risky.

Please do not ignore the boy when he calls you Mama, simply say, I am Grandma, dear, not Mama. Any child under the age of seven or thereabouts could be forgiven for calling you Mama, as it sounds as if you are doing more mothering of him, than his mother is.

Sorry, if that came out wrong - I don't know the circumstances, it sounds as if she is a single parent, working full-time, so she may well not have much choice in this matter.

Would it be possible for her to change her job, so she did not have to travel as much? Doing so, would probably be better for the child.

I hope you find Gransnet helpful. If I may, I would suggest you give a little more detail another time. As you can see, some of us have difficulty offering advice as we do not know whether your daughter is a single mum or not, or why the child's father apparently is not doing his share of child-care.

If your daughter's many absences are not work-related, I suggest you take her severely to task - it is fine that you help out, but not to the extent that the child is confused as to who is mother and who is grandmother.

I'd add our GC/GGC call us whatever they wish. They are little, don't know what they're saying - the name is not a problem, imo.

There’s 2 things here - your daughter is taking advantage of you and it needs to stop!
Your DGS calling you Mamma? Don’t worry about it - mine does too 😁

I totally understand why he is with you that often : you take responsability for him! And you probably are afraid your daughter would leave him with an acquaintance or such who wouldn't take good care of your grandson. So again and again you say yes. I know I would too. I think you need to have a good talk with your daughter. Is she a single mum? I understand she needs your help but every week-end ánd stretches of 4 days on a regular base seems a bit much. Your daughter needs to grow up, not drop of her child at yours whenever she fancies.

Its time your daughter took responsability for her son.👍

Why weekends?
Impossible to say without more information.

It doesn't matter really - the point is that the OP feels she looks after the child too much, and it is ok for her to feel that. Criticising her daughter online is rarely the best way to deal with this sort of thing, and the fact that the boy calls her Mama is a bit of a side issue. Unfortunately it implies that she is more of a mother than the real one. This is guaranteed to be hurtful to her daughter, which is not likely to be good for family relationships. Direct communication is likely to be the best way to deal with this, I think.

Where is the child's father? Can he not look after his son while the mother is away? (I presume she's on work trips?)

Waiting for OP to come back so we can understand the situation a little better

Doodledog

Brismum

Wish O P would comment on child’s age and why she is doing childcare.

Yes, and whether 'work trips' are necessary business trips or fun weekends in Brighton .

People are very keen to blame mothers for working, but the same people are often equally keen to criticise families on benefits. If the daughter is working to provide for her family, she isn't being a bad mother.

OP did say: It's not like I don't watch him every weekend.

If one works during the week, asks mum for help - that seems somewhat acceptable in today times, but weekends too?

Why weekends?

Brismum

Wish O P would comment on child’s age and why she is doing childcare.

Yes, and whether 'work trips' are necessary business trips or fun weekends in Brighton .

People are very keen to blame mothers for working, but the same people are often equally keen to criticise families on benefits. If the daughter is working to provide for her family, she isn't being a bad mother.

I don't think I would worry about your GS calling you Mama as a symptom of his missing his mum,children do that . If you feel you can't do as much care as you are currently ,you do need to find a way of discussing this with your D,however I wonder if she needs a break from looking after her son if he has autism its probably a bit more of a strain particularly if she is a single parent,could she get some support from the local authority or the Autistic society maybe ,some regular respite might help her,if this is the case she will find it more demanding as he gets older so should at least be thought about. It's a difficult one I know looking after GC much as we love it sometimes our children forget we have our own lives and are not as young as we once were