Expectations and obligations?

I have told my DDs that the first priority is for me to be safe. The second is for them to spend time with me without doing chores and personal care. I want them to have the chance to live their own lives. This means some kind of sheltered living or a care home. My MIL spent the last 6 months of her life in one. She was visited by someone every day. Visiting her gave us all quality time together because someone else was doing the cooking, laundry, cleaning and personal care. Until she became too unwell to go out she came to Sunday lunch at my house every week and went to visit other family members on other days.

keepingquiet

Poppyred

How do you propose to end your life painlessly biglouis?? Please tell.
I think most people would rather do that than be a burden to any one.

No, most people wouldn't. How would I be a burden to anyone? I don't understand this thinking.
My mum only said this to me once and I told her never to say it again.
Did she consider me a burden when she was changing my nappy? No and neither did I see her as such when I was wiping her bottom in return.

I think that if you don't have anyone to look after you and you don't wish to go into a home that it would be a relief to know that assisted dying is a possibility..
It's all very well saying you could end your own life painlessly but having worked in MH I know that suicide attempts can bring even worse problems when they don't succeed...

I've promised myself that I won't ever expect my sons to look after me when I no longer can, and I will definitely go into a home .

My perspective has always been, “do what you can with a glad heart.” For some it means nothing, for others, everything, and anything in between.

I’m also an advocate for frequent reassessment. Circumstances change, people age, different things come into play. What someone could easily manage before may become overwhelming later.

It should never, EVER get to the point of resentment.

Judy54 - exactly.

There’s also a poster saying she’s now her DH’s carer and how much she resents that.

It was a privilege to care for my DH at home, until the day he died in my arms.

Poppyred

How do you propose to end your life painlessly biglouis?? Please tell.
I think most people would rather do that than be a burden to any one.

No, most people wouldn't. How would I be a burden to anyone? I don't understand this thinking.
My mum only said this to me once and I told her never to say it again.
Did she consider me a burden when she was changing my nappy? No and neither did I see her as such when I was wiping her bottom in return.

I chose to have my children, I chose to bring my grandaughter up when my daughter died.
They owe me nothing, I have already said to put me in a home, and visit me as mum or nan and just love me without the burden of care on their shoulders.

I looked after my two eldest GCs for many years while their parents worked. I was happy to do it.
I don't expect my ACs to look after me. I will do whatever it takes to be independent of them. I know they do care about me but actual physical care - No.

How do you propose to end your life painlessly biglouis?? Please tell.
I think most people would rather do that than be a burden to any one.

There are no rules or regulations regarding family life or even social obligations, within the guidelines of the law obviously. Thank goodness.

You are free to make demands on people- they may resist, they may compromise, they may give in.

Likewise you are also free to help, to do as much, as little or as much as you like for others.

It is how civilised society works but that you even have to ask this question makes me worry that civilised society is not what it was...

I worked as a home carer for a while and visited a Romany gypsy lady who was terminal. Her daughter in law or daughter and family was staying with her and told me about their culture. The ill lady had 4 AC all married with children. Each AC with their family moved in with the ill lady for 2 weeks at a time taking it in turns to stay on an 8 week rota. They don't believe in nursing homes and will carry on like this until she dies. The house was spotless and I was offered tea and cakes and made very welcome.
Different from the way we're used to but very caring.

I feel the days are long since past, where elderly or old people could expect help from children or nieces and nephews.

Wherever you live there is some form of public care and help for the elderly or infirm. It may not be marvellous, but it is at least provided by people who earn their living in this service.

To my mind, that is preferable than grudging help from younger relatives or friends.

Those of us who have children, had them because we wanted them, or were to slipshold to use contraceptives, but decided that abortion was not something we could resort to. Our obligation was to love and bring up those children as well as we could.

We have no right to expect or demand help from them now, nor do they have an obligation to provide it. We may ask for help and they may offer it.

Nor are we obliged to help care for grandchildren, unless we are actually living in an old-fashioned household, run by our children and their partners.

They may ask for help, and we may offer it, but there is no obligation to provide it. There are creches and kindergartens, day-care etc. and quite honestly, before having children the matter of who would care for them, if both parents intended to, or had to, continue working full-time, should have been considered.

As others have said it is down to the individual. It was a pleasure and honour to care for my Parents as they had done for me. Not saying it was easy but it boils down to a four letter word, Love.

I owe my children to raise them and love them - they depend on me as they are minors
My children also did not ask to be born.

As soon as we are all adults, expectations do not become rights, we all can say no if it doesn't work for either party

For sure, my kids are not expected to take care of me in my old age, it is my job to make those arrangements.

I never had the opportunity to care for either parent as they both died while I was still a teenager at school. I currently have health issues so can't really care for my Grandchildren but I do what I can to help out. I have lost the use of my legs predominantly which is extremely frustrating, I can barely stand let alone walk and after a knee replacement 18 months ago I've been in constant pain and I'm waiting to go back in for remedial surgery which I have no faith in it working as since the original surgery it has all just got worse. Anyway I have a large house, I'm comfortable financially so my Son and his wife and now 2 GC live me. I do depend on them but also manage to maintain Independence, we talk about the situation and what may / may not happen in the future , as far as I know we're all quite happy with the current situation and will continue to talk and monitor the situation as we move forward. I would hate to be a burden on anyone and certainly don't feel like one currently. In many ways it works very well for us, they do the physical stuff I can't and I have the finances to pay for improvements etc. that they can't. I was 70 on Wednesday and I hope it continues or improves for a long time yet.

I think the biggest responibility lies with the us, the older generation. We read here far too often tales of selfish and demanding mothers (in particular) who batten on their daughters.

I think it is up to all of us as we get older to be prepared to do what we can to make sure that we are not a burden. Move if that is necessary, be prepared to consider supported accommodation or care if needed and buy in what help we can. After that it will depend on your relationship with your child and where they live. And that started at birth.

DH and I between us have cared to a greater or lsser extent for our parents and 3 childless aunts and uncles, all because we were fond of them and we felt we wanted to give back what we had received, but in no case was the job onerous, or only for very short periods, 8 weeks was the longest period of intensive care. I do not regret a minute of it.

I don't think they necessarily need to care for you personally but I do think there is a duty, if you have been a good and fair parent, to make sure that you are safe, fed, and medical care in your final years be it by telephone, POA, or dedication. There is a big difference between taking care of your mental health and relationships and being totally selfish and uncaring.

I don't feel any obligation to care for my parents. I have very good reasons for that. I was basically raised to eventually take care of my mother emotionally, physically, and financially. So that has obviously backfired on her.

To be fair, I expect nothing from her either.

With a DD in Australia and a DS who lives locally, I hope DH and I keel over with a heart attack, stroke or similar and just die, but not for a while yet hopefully.

If we don’t and get so we can’t manage, it will be a care home which we shall be paying for ourselves, no financial help there.

Chatting to another lady at aquacise, she stated that she expects her AC to care for her in her old age, and will disinherit them if they don’t.

It’s maybe what happened years ago, but not now.

We have done a lot of childcare, help with house (decorating, gardening etc) for DS, could not do the same for DD 10000 miles away, but even so, that doesn’t oblige them to care for us in our final years.

I'd put up with being in a home sooner than have anyone feel obliged to look after me.
Hopefully I'll not get to that point

Before my father died, Mum told us she wanted to go into a Home if he died first. He did, and she did go into a home and had a new lease of life. No housework, cooking, shopping, washing, all of which she was struggling with, at 92.
Company, outings and above all she was safe.
To say I was hugely grateful to her and relieved for her decision is an understatement. Nor do I feel any guilt about it.
I would certainly agree to do the same eventually. Meanwhile I appreciate any time my adult children can spare but I am not dependent on them. I don’t feel they owe it to me, or that it is their responsibility.

janeainsworth

I would rather be in a care home than struggling by myself, not eating properly & unable to keep the house clean. I wouldn’t expect my AC to do those things for me either, and I wouldn’t expect them to accommodate me in their own homes.
Someone I know says her relationship with her mother improved immeasurably once her mother had moved into a home & she no longer had the worry of whether her mother was safe or not. And her mother was a lot happier too.

I totally agree.

It’s an interesting post Cabbie21 about expectations and entitlement.
Things do work both ways with regards to our adult children and our parents, regarding ourselves. Each case will be different but generally speaking if you’ve brought your children up doing the best you can, and do even a small amount of childcare for them with the grands then it’s reasonable to expect some help when we need it.
We should also step up to help our own parents and I bet most of us wish we had done more for elderly relatives in the past.
Some have done, as the comments on here show.

I would rather be in a care home than struggling by myself, not eating properly & unable to keep the house clean. I wouldn’t expect my AC to do those things for me either, and I wouldn’t expect them to accommodate me in their own homes.
Someone I know says her relationship with her mother improved immeasurably once her mother had moved into a home & she no longer had the worry of whether her mother was safe or not. And her mother was a lot happier too.

There aren't any rules or obligations, just a shift in circumstances. My parents' generation undertook care of elderly relatives but the burden of care generally fell on the stay at home wife or daughter; a neighbour had her mother and mother-in-law living with her for most of her married life, as did my landlady when I was living in student digs.