Expectations and obligations?

No rules and no entitlement.

I think it depends very much on the individual and the relationship you had with your parents or grown children.

I dont have any children or grandchildren so I have no right to expect anyone to put their own life on hold in order to help me out. I pay a gardner, a cleaner and a handyperson.

I would prefer to cut my throat with a rusty saw rather than lose my independence and go into some horrendous care home. When I can no longer manage the basics of looking after myself I prefer to end my life painlessly.

No actual laws, rules or even guidelines, thank goodness as situations vary enormously.

My personal idea on the subject is; do what you feel is appropriate to your situation, listen to your conscience, don't feel obliged to commit anything you can't afford or are not happy with doing.

Remember it is your life too and you only live once.

biglouis

I think it depends very much on the individual and the relationship you had with your parents or grown children.

I dont have any children or grandchildren so I have no right to expect anyone to put their own life on hold in order to help me out. I pay a gardner, a cleaner and a handyperson.

I would prefer to cut my throat with a rusty saw rather than lose my independence and go into some horrendous care home. When I can no longer manage the basics of looking after myself I prefer to end my life painlessly.

Although I wouldn't use the same method Biglouis I completely agree about not going into a care home, and fortunately it will be my decision...

When my mum was ill, the hospital suggested she was moved to a hospice...we spoke about it and I brought her home.
At that point, it was suggested that she had approx' 4 weeks to live, I cared for her for 7 months and I'm in no doubt it was because she was in her home.

I had two boys to look after as a single parent and caring for her cost me a relationship and job but I'd do it all again. However it was my choice to do so.

My mum brought me up, she supported and cared for me...I loved her very much and I cherish the memory of conversations we had in the early hours during that time.

The only legal responsibility we have is to our children until they become adults.

My Mum was poorly for a long time and for the last couple of years of her life, bedridden. I was still working and towards the end, newly divorced and loving my freedom. I did do a bit to help but I could have done way, way more. I still beat myself up about it 20 years down the line.

When my Dad started to need more help I eventually gave up work to care for him. It was very difficult for me financially and after 10 years of caring for him I became very isolated. But I learnt to resent the situation - not my Dad. He didn't want to be dependant upon me any more than I wanted to be a carer. But we were a little unit in a little bubble.

By the time my Dad passed away 8 years ago I was too tired, too old and too broke to do any of the things I had planned for my retirement. When he died I lost my Dad and my purpose in my life. And even though my life almost 100% revolved around him and his needs, I don't regret any of it, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. But I do still often think I should have done more.

I have experienced life as a carer and I would never expect my children to do what I did. It does rob you of any sort of meaningful life, and at times can be unpleasant and distressing.

Having said all that, I would personally find it difficult NOT to care for a parent in some way. I loved them both too much. It may be that my children will feel the same one day. Nobody could stop me looking after my Dad - I don't know if my children would feel the same!

For me, it all depends on individual and family circumstances.

I haven’t an answer re care of ageing parents, tho maybe more of us with adult AC should reflect that care homes relieve much of the burden and resolve now not to be too resistant should the time come.

I’m amazed at the amount of childcare some grandparents undertake. Fortunately 🤣 all mine live too far away. It often seems that what starts as fun becomes a trial as both grandparents and grandchildren grow older, and maybe more parents need to reflect on this.

Of course mine will still live too far away for practical purposes when I’m in need of help myself, so what goes around….

There aren't any rules or obligations, just a shift in circumstances. My parents' generation undertook care of elderly relatives but the burden of care generally fell on the stay at home wife or daughter; a neighbour had her mother and mother-in-law living with her for most of her married life, as did my landlady when I was living in student digs.

I would rather be in a care home than struggling by myself, not eating properly & unable to keep the house clean. I wouldn’t expect my AC to do those things for me either, and I wouldn’t expect them to accommodate me in their own homes.
Someone I know says her relationship with her mother improved immeasurably once her mother had moved into a home & she no longer had the worry of whether her mother was safe or not. And her mother was a lot happier too.

It’s an interesting post Cabbie21 about expectations and entitlement.
Things do work both ways with regards to our adult children and our parents, regarding ourselves. Each case will be different but generally speaking if you’ve brought your children up doing the best you can, and do even a small amount of childcare for them with the grands then it’s reasonable to expect some help when we need it.
We should also step up to help our own parents and I bet most of us wish we had done more for elderly relatives in the past.
Some have done, as the comments on here show.

janeainsworth

I would rather be in a care home than struggling by myself, not eating properly & unable to keep the house clean. I wouldn’t expect my AC to do those things for me either, and I wouldn’t expect them to accommodate me in their own homes.
Someone I know says her relationship with her mother improved immeasurably once her mother had moved into a home & she no longer had the worry of whether her mother was safe or not. And her mother was a lot happier too.

I totally agree.

Before my father died, Mum told us she wanted to go into a Home if he died first. He did, and she did go into a home and had a new lease of life. No housework, cooking, shopping, washing, all of which she was struggling with, at 92.
Company, outings and above all she was safe.
To say I was hugely grateful to her and relieved for her decision is an understatement. Nor do I feel any guilt about it.
I would certainly agree to do the same eventually. Meanwhile I appreciate any time my adult children can spare but I am not dependent on them. I don’t feel they owe it to me, or that it is their responsibility.

I'd put up with being in a home sooner than have anyone feel obliged to look after me.
Hopefully I'll not get to that point

With a DD in Australia and a DS who lives locally, I hope DH and I keel over with a heart attack, stroke or similar and just die, but not for a while yet hopefully.

If we don’t and get so we can’t manage, it will be a care home which we shall be paying for ourselves, no financial help there.

Chatting to another lady at aquacise, she stated that she expects her AC to care for her in her old age, and will disinherit them if they don’t.

It’s maybe what happened years ago, but not now.

We have done a lot of childcare, help with house (decorating, gardening etc) for DS, could not do the same for DD 10000 miles away, but even so, that doesn’t oblige them to care for us in our final years.

I don't feel any obligation to care for my parents. I have very good reasons for that. I was basically raised to eventually take care of my mother emotionally, physically, and financially. So that has obviously backfired on her.

To be fair, I expect nothing from her either.

I don't think they necessarily need to care for you personally but I do think there is a duty, if you have been a good and fair parent, to make sure that you are safe, fed, and medical care in your final years be it by telephone, POA, or dedication. There is a big difference between taking care of your mental health and relationships and being totally selfish and uncaring.

I think the biggest responibility lies with the us, the older generation. We read here far too often tales of selfish and demanding mothers (in particular) who batten on their daughters.

I think it is up to all of us as we get older to be prepared to do what we can to make sure that we are not a burden. Move if that is necessary, be prepared to consider supported accommodation or care if needed and buy in what help we can. After that it will depend on your relationship with your child and where they live. And that started at birth.

DH and I between us have cared to a greater or lsser extent for our parents and 3 childless aunts and uncles, all because we were fond of them and we felt we wanted to give back what we had received, but in no case was the job onerous, or only for very short periods, 8 weeks was the longest period of intensive care. I do not regret a minute of it.

I never had the opportunity to care for either parent as they both died while I was still a teenager at school. I currently have health issues so can't really care for my Grandchildren but I do what I can to help out. I have lost the use of my legs predominantly which is extremely frustrating, I can barely stand let alone walk and after a knee replacement 18 months ago I've been in constant pain and I'm waiting to go back in for remedial surgery which I have no faith in it working as since the original surgery it has all just got worse. Anyway I have a large house, I'm comfortable financially so my Son and his wife and now 2 GC live me. I do depend on them but also manage to maintain Independence, we talk about the situation and what may / may not happen in the future , as far as I know we're all quite happy with the current situation and will continue to talk and monitor the situation as we move forward. I would hate to be a burden on anyone and certainly don't feel like one currently. In many ways it works very well for us, they do the physical stuff I can't and I have the finances to pay for improvements etc. that they can't. I was 70 on Wednesday and I hope it continues or improves for a long time yet.

I owe my children to raise them and love them - they depend on me as they are minors
My children also did not ask to be born.

As soon as we are all adults, expectations do not become rights, we all can say no if it doesn't work for either party

For sure, my kids are not expected to take care of me in my old age, it is my job to make those arrangements.

As others have said it is down to the individual. It was a pleasure and honour to care for my Parents as they had done for me. Not saying it was easy but it boils down to a four letter word, Love.

I feel the days are long since past, where elderly or old people could expect help from children or nieces and nephews.

Wherever you live there is some form of public care and help for the elderly or infirm. It may not be marvellous, but it is at least provided by people who earn their living in this service.

To my mind, that is preferable than grudging help from younger relatives or friends.

Those of us who have children, had them because we wanted them, or were to slipshold to use contraceptives, but decided that abortion was not something we could resort to. Our obligation was to love and bring up those children as well as we could.

We have no right to expect or demand help from them now, nor do they have an obligation to provide it. We may ask for help and they may offer it.

Nor are we obliged to help care for grandchildren, unless we are actually living in an old-fashioned household, run by our children and their partners.

They may ask for help, and we may offer it, but there is no obligation to provide it. There are creches and kindergartens, day-care etc. and quite honestly, before having children the matter of who would care for them, if both parents intended to, or had to, continue working full-time, should have been considered.

I worked as a home carer for a while and visited a Romany gypsy lady who was terminal. Her daughter in law or daughter and family was staying with her and told me about their culture. The ill lady had 4 AC all married with children. Each AC with their family moved in with the ill lady for 2 weeks at a time taking it in turns to stay on an 8 week rota. They don't believe in nursing homes and will carry on like this until she dies. The house was spotless and I was offered tea and cakes and made very welcome.
Different from the way we're used to but very caring.

There are no rules or regulations regarding family life or even social obligations, within the guidelines of the law obviously. Thank goodness.

You are free to make demands on people- they may resist, they may compromise, they may give in.

Likewise you are also free to help, to do as much, as little or as much as you like for others.

It is how civilised society works but that you even have to ask this question makes me worry that civilised society is not what it was...