Expectations and obligations?

I haven’t an answer re care of ageing parents, tho maybe more of us with adult AC should reflect that care homes relieve much of the burden and resolve now not to be too resistant should the time come.

I’m amazed at the amount of childcare some grandparents undertake. Fortunately 🤣 all mine live too far away. It often seems that what starts as fun becomes a trial as both grandparents and grandchildren grow older, and maybe more parents need to reflect on this.

Of course mine will still live too far away for practical purposes when I’m in need of help myself, so what goes around….

For me, it all depends on individual and family circumstances.

The only legal responsibility we have is to our children until they become adults.

My Mum was poorly for a long time and for the last couple of years of her life, bedridden. I was still working and towards the end, newly divorced and loving my freedom. I did do a bit to help but I could have done way, way more. I still beat myself up about it 20 years down the line.

When my Dad started to need more help I eventually gave up work to care for him. It was very difficult for me financially and after 10 years of caring for him I became very isolated. But I learnt to resent the situation - not my Dad. He didn't want to be dependant upon me any more than I wanted to be a carer. But we were a little unit in a little bubble.

By the time my Dad passed away 8 years ago I was too tired, too old and too broke to do any of the things I had planned for my retirement. When he died I lost my Dad and my purpose in my life. And even though my life almost 100% revolved around him and his needs, I don't regret any of it, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. But I do still often think I should have done more.

I have experienced life as a carer and I would never expect my children to do what I did. It does rob you of any sort of meaningful life, and at times can be unpleasant and distressing.

Having said all that, I would personally find it difficult NOT to care for a parent in some way. I loved them both too much. It may be that my children will feel the same one day. Nobody could stop me looking after my Dad - I don't know if my children would feel the same!

When my mum was ill, the hospital suggested she was moved to a hospice...we spoke about it and I brought her home.
At that point, it was suggested that she had approx' 4 weeks to live, I cared for her for 7 months and I'm in no doubt it was because she was in her home.

I had two boys to look after as a single parent and caring for her cost me a relationship and job but I'd do it all again. However it was my choice to do so.

My mum brought me up, she supported and cared for me...I loved her very much and I cherish the memory of conversations we had in the early hours during that time.

biglouis

I think it depends very much on the individual and the relationship you had with your parents or grown children.

I dont have any children or grandchildren so I have no right to expect anyone to put their own life on hold in order to help me out. I pay a gardner, a cleaner and a handyperson.

I would prefer to cut my throat with a rusty saw rather than lose my independence and go into some horrendous care home. When I can no longer manage the basics of looking after myself I prefer to end my life painlessly.

Although I wouldn't use the same method Biglouis I completely agree about not going into a care home, and fortunately it will be my decision...

No actual laws, rules or even guidelines, thank goodness as situations vary enormously.

My personal idea on the subject is; do what you feel is appropriate to your situation, listen to your conscience, don't feel obliged to commit anything you can't afford or are not happy with doing.

Remember it is your life too and you only live once.

I think it depends very much on the individual and the relationship you had with your parents or grown children.

I dont have any children or grandchildren so I have no right to expect anyone to put their own life on hold in order to help me out. I pay a gardner, a cleaner and a handyperson.

I would prefer to cut my throat with a rusty saw rather than lose my independence and go into some horrendous care home. When I can no longer manage the basics of looking after myself I prefer to end my life painlessly.

No rules and no entitlement.