Expectations and obligations?

Glad to see this topic came up as it resonates with my situation - caring for my 89 yr old mum. My mum's expectations are higher then I can meet and it is leaving my mum miserable and demanding. I take her shopping, doctors, family parties etc but it's not enough. This summer has been particularly difficult, looking after grandchildren and taking them on holiday while she feels I should be taking her out.

No one is responsible for another person unless they choose to be. I have 'kept an eye' on my dad & stepmum.for 12 years, the last 10 just my step mum. And the older she gets, 90yes now, the more I do. I do this because I love her and I want to. My step siblings live 30m ,& 200m away, they can't be there at the drop of a hat. My eldest sister and her daughter care for my mum, 96yrs, as she still lives on her own and they live round the corner, I live 200m away. I'm pretty sure my sister does this because 'she should, what would people say if I didnt' and not because she actually really cares about her, and sadly my mum cared for her mum for the same reason! If she lived near me I would look out for her only because she's my mum and I would feel an obligation.. Everyone does what they're comfortable with I guess.

My AC and I have a close relationship but one that comes with respect and distance. I live too far to `pop in` and so do they. Poa is set up and I saved long and hard to ensure my own care if needed, maintaining my independent spirit, truly not being a burden to them

The best you can do with the AC is to set them free, to take away obligations. My obligation is to myself, to maintain my very good health, strength and fitness and to remain happy just living in the moment. No `what ifs` to weigh me down and none to weigh my AC down

BigLouis, I wouldn't recommend cutting your throat, lol, I intend to use my current medication and just drift off to sleep

I have enough barbiturates to kill me several times over. My decision when I am in too much pain to make it worth continuing. I would not ask anyone to assist me.

I have probably said this before, but my mum had a new lease of life in a care home. She has six really good months there before she became ill and died in hospital.

Please don’t “rubbish” all care homes.When I retired I became a Lay Inspector for care homes.Unpaid.
There are some really good homes out there and as Inspectors we reported on all .Good and bad.
Dust on fruit was a problem !
Google the home you are interested in and ask to see the inspection results.
Good luck!
Barbarax

Gosh MadeInYorkshire.

Odd how you can get the wrong impression of someone's life by occasionally seeing someone's posts.

Would starting a thread yourself, help at all?

MadeinYorkshire [ flowers] 🌺

pascal30

biglouis

I think it depends very much on the individual and the relationship you had with your parents or grown children.

I dont have any children or grandchildren so I have no right to expect anyone to put their own life on hold in order to help me out. I pay a gardner, a cleaner and a handyperson.

I would prefer to cut my throat with a rusty saw rather than lose my independence and go into some horrendous care home. When I can no longer manage the basics of looking after myself I prefer to end my life painlessly.

Although I wouldn't use the same method Biglouis I completely agree about not going into a care home, and fortunately it will be my decision...

Me too, no way would I end up in a care home (UNLESS it's the one my SIL works in, but it's an expensive one & ASC wouldn't pay for it, lol)

I've actually had enough now, but my mum is still living. I'd like to follow my daughter into oblivion as what I have is no life, it's merely an existence; I seem to have been abandoned by everyone lately and I'm not sure I can face another winter with no heating?

*BigLouis, I wouldn't recommend cutting your throat, lol, I intend to use my current medication and just drift off to sleep ...

Ooh.
Wrong thread

Ask the staff if you and your husband can have lunch together, away from the other residents.

You could maybe take in something you know he enjoys to eat.

Have a coffee with him in a quiet corner, or go to his room to watch some tv.

I have three daughters. I have told them all that if I am no longer able to look after myself to find me a care home but to visit me at least once a month each. If I have dementia then to visit me when they can to their own abilities because my Mum used to be really cross at me and accused me of not visiting even though I went twice a week at first.

I moved 600 miles when I noticed every time I visited my parents' tgey seemed less able. This was inspite if having 3 older siblings whose children ranged from late teens to 12 years. Mine were all three under 5. Would I do it again, No. I was 1l5, 14 years younger than siblings and basically did not accept my parents were old and deteriration normal. There was no expectation on me, I wanted to do it and DH understood. I have absolutely no expectations that my children will look after me, they too do not live nearby anyway, nor would I go to live with them.

I lived about a 15 minute drive from my parents and saw them several times a week. Dad outlived Mum by 8 years and missed her terribly. I used to see him at least 5 times a week - meeting him to walk the dogs late afternoon on three or four days and he always spent Sunday afternoon with us. He was a tower of strength when DH died suddenly in his early fifties. I would have done anything for my parents because I loved them - they would have done the same for me. I was so lucky Dad was able to stay with me during lockdown for the last 8 months of his life. I have a very good relationship with my younger grown up son and his wife ( just as well as we will eventually be neighbours!) but hope I will be independent for many years yet.

Both of the care homes my relatives went into were excellent. In each, seperate, case they were in care for 6 years and we had no problems. Biether was this because they were very expensive. One was very reasonable and the other slightly more expensive, but not excessively.

If I have to go into care, my children have strict instructions over the necessary views from my window, the style of property, and my food requirements.

I know people like to think care homes are all hellholes, but all the ones I’ve known personally (DM, FiL and an aunt) have been perfectly nice. Obviously I’d rather not end up in one, because I really don’t want dds’ inheritance to disappear in fees, but equally I’d hate to be a burden to them.

Maybe I’ll have to find a handy local hit man to see me off when I feel I’m getting too decrepit to look after myself - assuming I’m not lucky enough to drop dead from a heart attack or stroke, or just die quietly in my sleep. 🙂

Trouble is, these days there are not enough care workers or care homes to support people who are unable to look after themselves. It can be very hard looking after an elderly member of your family, but the alternative is very sad. As a care/Reablement worker I am often shocked at how some people have neglected themselves and not asked for help. i.e malnutrition, dirt encrusted bodies, nails an inch long, dirty clothes, filthy houses and overgrown gardens.
Some of these people have children but they seem to be blind to the problems. Some people are referred to us by their GP, hospital, neighbours or paramedics.
Unfortunately we can’t force people to change the way they live but It’s best to be firm and honest but kind.

I'm divorced but still in contact with my ex MiL who lives about 70 miles away. During the pandemic she became quite paranoid, losing things and convinced there were intruders coming in the house and stealing them. She had no relatives nearby and my ex, who was the only person who could realistically visit, made no effort to do so, so it was me who went to visit once visits were allowed. Both my adult children try to visit when they can, and thankfully she eventually accepted the need for anti anxiety medication and is no longer suffering the paranoia. She is however still very vulnerable, in her 90s and losing her sight. Meanwhile her other son, who lives abroad, still turns to her for financial help and advice constantly. My kids think this is shocking and that he and their dad should do more for her.

I have to assume that their upbringing by me as a single mum during their teenage years and our relationship ongoing is the reason for their feelings. Hopefully it bodes well for the future if I need their support, though I hope not to be a burden to them.

I didn't do very much for my own mum as she became more needy as I lived 200 miles away and worked, while my brother lived 3 miles away. He often complained about having to do stuff for her and said "It's all right for you being so far away" while I was the one who had the worry whenever I phoned and got no answer! Eventually the couple who did her cleaning and shopping said "if you're worried about her, phone us and we'll go and check." Soon afterwards she agreed to move into sheltered accomodation and it was a great relief all round!

Personally I think we have a duty towards the older generation, but now I'm part of that! My DS and family live 200 miles from me, and despite the distance I have visited to help with childcare on occasion, so yes, it works both ways. But as I become older I feel fairly confident that I won't be abandoned. I hope to downsize and move closer in the hope it will benefit us all.

Again (on another forum) it always seems to be one child who provides the care for elderly needy parents and when siblings exist they disappear. In situations where there is a golden child/scapegoat dynamic it is often the golden child who disappears and the "black sheep" is guilted into becoming the sole career. And that person is nearly always female."

This

We moved house three years ago to help my daughter when she adopted two young children, so that I could give her as much help as I could as she is single and works full time.
We would never demand help from her, but she is a generous spirited person and I know that she would do as much as she could to help is, should we need it. This doesn't necessarily mean actually looking after me, it could be that I need somebody to help me to organise care, or even chose a care home in the end.
I doubt very much that my other children would offer to help but then I have not needed to give them help either and they are very different personalities.

Again (on another forum) it always seems to be one child who provides the care for elderly needy parents and when siblings exist they disappear. In situations where there is a golden child/scapegoat dynamic it is often the golden child who disappears and the "black sheep" is guilted into becoming the sole career. And that person is nearly always female.

I don't think anyone has mentioned the cost of care, even the cost of care coming in to the home. Not all are going to be able to afford that. It can be astronomical. At the higher end of dependency in some parts of the country it's £1000 per week.

We may not even have a choice if we get dementia. I do hope children/relatives would step in, if we become extremely frail and vulnerable. That's what 'family' means to me. It's not just one way towards our children.

You can make living will, and opt out of anything that will prolong your life.

There was a thread on another forum expressing regret that the lives of older people were being prolonged (by medical science) to the extent that some were merely eking out a miserable existence with no quality. This in turn threw a burden on society as a whole and also on their children whose lives might be destroyed by the pressure of providing care.

I know that when my grandmother reached her 90s she was physically very frail and could no longer do most of the things which gave her pleasure. She expressed to me the wish that she would be content if "the lord should take me". She would never have taken her life because she viewed it as sinful but she felt she was living on borrowed time for many years.

So if someone needs care, doesn’t own but rents their home, has savings under £23,000 their fees are paid for by the local authority.