Family visit and language situation

It is quite rude actually. As a joke, I'd say "speak bloody English, I can't understand you " I've got a lot of friends and some relatives by marriage that are foreign and I always say it to them or say " really or I totally agree " and it cracks them up.

Agree with Bigbopper

I would learn another language, say Spanish, and speak between yourselves in Spanish, even if it's not 100% correct, it will make a point

My DD married a French man & their children have been brought up in france. I do speak very basic (school) French. However, when visiting us they have been taught that it is polite to speak English (all fluent) as otherwise we are excluded. We are grateful, however, the teenage girls will often chat to each other in French.

It's not rude, it's just for them the natural way to communicate. My sons and myself first language is not English, we never speak English to each other, their families don't object.

To be honest if two English teenagers in a room were to be talking to each other I doubt you would understand any of it
Don’t teenagers want to exclude old people in their conversations anyway
If the whole family spoke Japanese whilst you a non speaker were there that would be rude but two kids I don’t think they are doing it to be difficult
maybe I ve read the post wrongly but I m not sure if it’s the grandkids or everybody I read it as the grandkids talking between themselves and not including you, HOWEVER if it’s the whole family isolating you then that’s very rude and you need to speak to your son

Very easy to say learn a language, a few words. Japanese is one of the hardest languages to learn, I believe that a woman cannot learn from a man and vice versa as the language changes depending on the person’s gender. It is worst than Chinese when one word could mean several things depending on tonal inflection.

It depends on the circumstances. I would consider it rude if we were all seated at the dinner table and they spoke exclusively Japanese throughout the meal. I would also think it rude if they spent all evening talking Japanese and didn't engage with you at all. However, the kids and their mother are bound to default to their first language when talking amongst themselves which is natural and not rude.

It wouldn't hurt the OP to learn a few phrases but I really don't think it's practical to suggest she and her DH learn Japanese. It's not easy and there are many dialects, plus they are older which makes it harder. The son, DIL and children are already fluent in English and are being graciously entertained in the OP's home so I think the onus, generally, is on them to be aware of their hosts. I believe respect for elders is fundamental to Japanese culture.

We are nearly all a bilingual + family but new son-in-law (3) is mono so we speak English.
I do think it is bad mannered to speak a language another person cannot understand. It is like a form of whispering, which my DM said was rude, as if you couldn’t say it out load you should say it.

When my great grandson was christened last year in Wales , my DGD also asked the vicar to do the ceremony in both languages so the English side of the family could follow the service .

My ex DIL and grandchildren are Welsh . It is their first language and speak it all the time at home . None of them speak in Welsh in front of me or the English part of the family unless we ask them the Welsh word for something. Microwave is a good one 😀

I agree with others who say this is bad manners on their behalf.
You are being very welcoming and hospitable while they are staying with you, but by speaking Japanese in your presence, they are excluding you.

It would be a different matter if say your son and daughter-in-law were together in the kitchen alone clearing up after a meal, or if the granddaughters were similarly on their own, but when you are all together, they are simply being rude.

I can see though why you don’t want to push this matter as you have said the daughter in law takes offence easily.

She sounds like hard work!

I live in France and once when speaking to another English
couple the husband insisted on replying to me in French.
What a dork!

Thank you to all Gransnet members for all your views I’m most grateful.

I take it that they all live in Japan and visit you in the UK ?
Their "fluent English " might be far more of a strain on them than you think, with their home tongue Japanese being much easier and more relaxing for them. You could ask?
I think it depends on the proportion of time that they speak English/Japanese. If Japanese far outweighs English time you might say something. I'm sure you're a gracious lady who could do this graciously.
As for learning Japanese that's a tall order . Is it meaning from tone , like Chinese ?
much , much harder than the Romance languages I would have thought.
You've got two of the world's more difficult languages there !

keepingquiet

What's wrong with people speaking their own language when they feel the need to?

I have a family that speak many different languages and don't have an issue with it.

Why do you need to know everything they're saying?

Maybe you could just say, 'I wish I could join in this conversation,' and then they might tell you what they are talking about, which is probably something that doesn't concern you anyway.

I thought Japanese were very polite. When you are in someone else house surely its not to much to ask, if able,to speak the language of the hosts.
It's like whispering in corners otherwise.
When my family from Germany visit they speak English. With the odd smattering of their own language.

Baggs

Perhaps their English is not as fluent as you think it is. If you visited a Japanese family I expect you would speak English.

If I could speak enough to be conversant I would speak Japanese. What is the point learning a language if when faced with a chance to use it, especially with close family, you choose not to.

Just the other day we had foreign guests. Two of them were constantly interpreting everything. Guests are not to speak in a language that the hosts do not understand, because it is rude - especially if they know the host's language. Consider this - yo eavesdrop on a conversation in German, Italian, or French on the bus, and, what do you know, they ae making fun of the locals. I love it when I see the look on their faces after I join in, in their own language.

I was dating a chap from another country who spo,e excellent English. Whenever I flew to his country for a visit I'd have a great time unless we visited his friends. They also spoke fluent English but generally they would talk in their language while I was there. I felt very excluded on the outside because nobody would make the effort to talk in English let alone talk to me. I ended the relationship after a year, a month before xmas. Imagine spending a Christmas over in his country with his friends and feeling excluded. I was sad but I had to.

Try the SayHi app.

Get your son to translate everything they say, he will soon get fed up and tell them to speak English.

My GD learnt Japanese over 4 yrs with a tutor, when she went to Japan she still found it difficult to make herself understood,

I’m not sure how many different dialects there are but there is/are more than one ‘Japanese’ language, similar to Chinese I suspect.

My brother always spoke German to his wife in our presence. She (German) always replied in English. Finally, she told him (if I understood her German correctly) that he was being rude.

As a teenager I lived in Wales… when out with friends if the one started speaking in Welsh… my best friend (who also Welsh speaking) would just say English please. When she died her funeral was done in both languages.

I think it's bad manners in general but understand that maybe the 2 youngsters don't speak such good English - and why should they, we don't speak Japanese.
I understand Japanese is quite a hard language to learn but I would try to learn a few phrases which I expect they would appreciate.

My DH is not originally from this country, whenever his relatives visit even if their English is broken they always try to speak English when I am in the room. Because they struggle I tell them not to bother, to speak their own tongue, but they still persevere.