Family visit and language situation

Perhaps their English is not as fluent as you think it is. If you visited a Japanese family I expect you would speak English.

Maybe they are just saying humdrum stuff which is personal - have you cleaned your teeth or whatever. My DS and family speak French and English at home but they switch between the two quite a lot As do the children. , ditto my brother and wife speak Italian. I understand enough of those languages to know what they are talking about - it’s usually about something fairly routine which you don’t need to know about. It’s a real gift to be bilingual , very lucky children.

My daughters partner is Spanish and he speaks good English as does his three adult children. When together at home they all speak to each other in Spanish.Recently they were here at our home for a meal.While at the table the four of them sat and chatted in Spanish.My husband and I felt completely left out, we might as well not have been in the room! I thought it was rude and couldn’t figure out why they would do that considering their English is excellent.I understand why Twig14 felt uncomfortable. I don’t think I would be attempting to Spanish for the occasional time they visit either.

I was once in a similar situation, two guests talking to each other in Turkish, so I turned to my GCSE-level GD & started speaking in spanish. It worked!

I once worked in a finance house where two of the workers came from Eastern European countries. The lady insisted on speaking with the man in their language but he would always answer back in English with her pulling a face. I thought how polite that was of him.

If they speak fluent English why are they speaking Japanese when you and DH are with them?
I understand all the points raised here but it just doesn’t make any sense for someone conversant in English to speak another language knowing members of the family can’t understand it.
If their grasp of English was poor that would explain it, but it isn’t, so it doesn’t.
Am afraid I would find it rather odd.

If this ladies son is English, how can Japanese be his first language unless his parents, i.e. the poster is Japanese but if they are then I would think they could speak that language. I am a bit confused to be honest. The poster says Japanese is her son and daughter in laws first language so if it is it should be the posters first language too so is the poster Japanese or English.

keepingquiet

What's wrong with people speaking their own language when they feel the need to?

I have a family that speak many different languages and don't have an issue with it.

Why do you need to know everything they're saying?

Maybe you could just say, 'I wish I could join in this conversation,' and then they might tell you what they are talking about, which is probably something that doesn't concern you anyway.

If they want to speak about something that they do not want their parents to know about then they should wait until they get home, they are supposed to be visiting their family and should speak in English, if as the poster states, they are all fluent in English, I think it is the height of bad manners and if it were my family, they would soon know about it and if that caused offence then I would rather them stay away because what is the point of having visitors if you have no idea what they are talking about.

As far as I am concerned this lady's son and his family are ignorant.

I also think it is disrespectful.

Downright rude in my opinion. I'm Welsh, first language is Welsh and I have always conversed with my son in our mother tongue. When his wife is around however we immediately turn to English as I would hate for her to think she was being left out of the conversation or that we were talking about her.

This thread reminds me of a time about 20 years ago, when my daughter's best friend was getting married. My daughter was maid of honour and our families were close, so I happened to be at an evening meal where brides extended family from another country were in attendance. They did not speak English. They outnumbered me, and my friend, the mother of the bride, actually sat next to me and translated every single sentence, comment, joke or whatever was being said in their language. I thanked her at the time for her extreme kindness and still think of that today. It made me feel so comfortable and included.

Why not ask them to teach you a few basics ? Play at schools with them, make it fun. Pay them a few compliments as to their language and culture……and do your best to learn from them. The children are in their teens……they will probably enjoy pretending to be teachers.

What's wrong with people speaking their own language when they feel the need to?

I have a family that speak many different languages and don't have an issue with it.

Why do you need to know everything they're saying?

Maybe you could just say, 'I wish I could join in this conversation,' and then they might tell you what they are talking about, which is probably something that doesn't concern you anyway.

www.memrise.com/app

I like this app, I've used it for Spanish. There are lots of different languages including Japanese.
You can practice in your own time and at your own pace.

I too was brought up to believe it rude to speak any language in company that the entire company did not understand.

However, turning things around, your son, DIL and grandchildren could rightly feel that you are being rude by never having learned just a little Japanese.

Learning to read Japanese is hard, but, as far as I know the spoken language is very logical and therefore relatively easy to learn, barring the fact that women are expected to be far politer than men.

I'm in a similar situation with son living in another country and children and dil all speak their own language most of the time when visiting. Despite our son talking to the children in English, and the children understanding it, they didn't start speaking to us in English till they were 4 or 5. Dil speaks perfect English and talks to us a lot, but when conversing with children and son, it's mostly in own language.

However, I didn't really consider it rude, until another visiting relative pointed it out later, after a family meal was over. In some multilingual families, parents ask children to speak in English when with others who don't understand.

I've never said anything- I made an effort to learn a few words when children were younger and when visiting their country.

I have the same problem. Last time they came the family left me with 10 of them at a NT Property while they went off to make wedding arrangements.I had to order food and keep them amused. Talk about stress.Unfortunately although dil has lived in UK for years I can't make out much of what she says because of her pronunciation.

I think you have to put up with a bit of it. They prob feel self-conscious about speaking in another language to one another and in front of one another. But you could and prob should intervene after a bit and ask them to explain.
And your son should make sure they realise that the habit makes you feel uncomfortable in your own home and that the conversation should be general if poss.
It doesn’t sound as though rudeness comes into it so I’d try to bottle thoughts along that line.

It’s rather rude to speak in a language that one or two in the family do not speak or understand. I don’t think they mean any harm…… it is their first language after all. When you get together with them just make it clear, jokingly ofcourse , that you and your DH feel they are talking about you. That should put a stop to it.

this is interesting regarding listening and comprehension through podcasts

I've googled and it says it can take 720 hours to learn fluent basic Japanese, so a few to a year if you practise every day.

One of the key learning tools was to interrupt everyone, which made me

Could you both not learn some conversational Japanese? at least then you will know what they are saying.

I live next door to a family who speak a different language and it's surprising how quickly you pick up what they are saying .