My friend drains me

Deadwood

Babs03

Thing is I sometimes wonder, do I come across as tedious to others?
Food for thought.



If you have the self-awareness that allows you to question it - then I doubt you're tedious to others!

Isn't it a lack of self-awareness and the inability to engage with others, perhaps with a dash of self-absorption, that causes people to drone-on?

I tend to get a bit carried away on certain topics during conversation - but can immediately pick up on the glazed-eye or nodding agreement and disengagement of others - when people stay quiet and just listen, I know I've become a bore!

I think the worst - the most draining experience, is when you are held captive by a complete stranger, on public transport or maybe in a hospital / surgery waiting-room, and that individual decides to regale you with their life-story with numerous references to family members and their various crises. Especially if you are absorbed with your own thoughts and worries. At least with friends and acquaintances you have some control over when you meet up with them and can prepare.

You need to interrupt her at intervals and say or do what you want to say or do. You can interrupt to comment on something she said, or to introduce a new topic. It seems she talks without the usual pauses to let the other person say something. If so you will need to talk while she is speaking. This is normally impolite but if she wants to keep your companionship she will have to let her companion take her turn to say something.

Speaking for myself, I find some people's 'sense of humour' boring ,or facile or occasionally cruel.

I know several people like this, some of whom are my relatives!
I don't think you should just sit there and listen.
Maybe she writes about her friend who comes to see her but never says anything, so she has to make conversation!
I suggest getting out for a short walk if you can (maybe she isn't mobile enough?), it will make you feel better at least.
I think taking her out is the answer- if she refuses then slowly ease away from her company until you feel you can go back.
You shouldn't feel you have to spend time with people who drain you, but you need to ask why you keep going. Loyalty? Pity? A sense of being virtuous? None of these are a sign of friendship so encourage her to get out of herself more- suggest groups she could attend etc and then you will feel you have helped her, instead of just being that person you seem to have become.
She may not be so dependent on you as you believe her to be.

My neighbour/friend from upstairs barely speaks to me these days, and has proved to be rather nasty, so I'm relieved, although a bit sad that 30 odd years has been discarded, along with me.

So, don't put up with a "drain" as long as I did, is my thought on the subject.

Some time ago I ceased seeing someone who was totally self-obsessed and who talked so incessantly that I simply couldn't get a word in. (Not even to make the odd comment of acknowledgement.) Eventually I realised that she wanted an audience and not a conversation, so I stopped seeing her. I have never regretted this decision.

Also, bear in mind that she may be in the early stages of dementia. I had a friend who went from day to night in a matter of months and became totally obnoxious and, whereas she was once quite a star, her brightness reversed to total negativity on all levels. As she could no longer have good hollies, eat out, be admired, she got totally p*ssed orf and let it out on those around her. I withdrew.

I made the decision to distance myself from my extremely selfish friend .
I stopped myself going over with flowers and a card .
Then , having reread her last messages -guilt set in .
I'm supposed to be a Christian .
It happened that I had two ports of call on Saturday and her house is nearby .
I had an hour to spare and decided to pop over .
She was rude , ungracious and unpleasant . I felt uncomfortable .
I think that she sensed that I was fed up though I said nothing .
But I'm sure that she's suffering from severe depression over her health and her totally exhausting , demanding family .
She needs to say no to them , but isn't going to .
More things were delivered for her highly manipulative dishonest son .
He lives in a house that she relied on for rent .
He and his wife have full time jobs , but bleed her dry .
She continually lists all the things that she buys for him .
Her daughter also works , but is a high functioning autistic and is very demanding and regularly stays trashing the house . She phones all the time .
At her age , she needs to enjoy life and isn't.
I can be understanding , but it's a one - sided friendship .
She's actually offered to take me on her next supermarket shop as her husband will drive us .
I guess that she's trying to be nice to me in her way .

There can be a fine line between friendship and being a carer if a friend becomes very needy! You have to think about your own well-being as well as your friend’s, and only give the amount of time you are comfortable with.

I do have several friends who I find quite draining, and I’ve had to learn to say I can’t meet up at the time they’re suggesting, so that they’re not relying on me quite as much.

at a friendship group I was telling about help with a subject that I'd googled previously when a person looked me in the eye and said in a pointed fashion you're very knowledgable aren't you, I felt she was calling me a big head not realising I had googled it , she is not into online things. I was hurt.

I never have people round for coffee but felt so guilty lately that I invited my neighbours for next week. Then I spoiled it by saying at least that will get it over! Kicked myself.They've had me 3 times to pristine houses.

I heard a radio advert the other day that said that 8 mins is all it takes to cheer someone up and stop them from having lonely feelings and also helps you as well but it said no shorter and no longer than 8 minutes on the phone or in person. ! I thought about it and thought that was actually a good guide to not getting embroiled in conversations that sap my energy and make me feel down rather than energised !

Yes, radiators and drains is such a good analogy! I really think that you’re either one or the other but I think you can go too far trying not to be a drain. That’s what I do; I’m so conscious of trying not to bore people that I rarely talk about myself. Getting the balance right can be difficult.

GrannySomerset

Living alone seems to mean being less aware of the impact we have on others. I know I talk too much in company and do try not to, but is quite hard.

If I'm nervous I tend to talk rubbish 😂 For some reason my brain doesn't engage and I just say whatever comes into my head without thinking it through. Thankfully friends and family know me well enough to shut me up.

Friends/acquaintances are, so I am told, either Radiators or Drains. I gave up on a long term Drain who only wanted to tell me about her illnesses in detail, whereas Radiators enhance my life and I want to listen to them and they in turn listen to me.

Living alone seems to mean being less aware of the impact we have on others. I know I talk too much in company and do try not to, but is quite hard.

This thread made me wonder too how people see me…. I have some lovely friends and am always interested in how they are and their news but wonder if I go on a bit sometimes🙈 Maybe I’m too chatty and do love to chat about gardening and my DD1 & 2 and grandchildren …… I have an old work colleague who dropped me, so maybe I am boring😂

I’m glad I’m not on my own feeling like this but would add could I be that friend!

I have a friend in the village who is divorced and lives alone. She spent over an hour once describing her son’s new house, even though she hadn’t actually been in it! During lockdown I rang her occasionally for a chat. After an hour or so of being told things she had told me previously, I’m afraid I either made the excuse that I was desperate for the loo or had to get a drink.

funnily enough i met a friend last week who is the same as this, i try to limit it to every 6 months although she would like it much more regular than this, it took her a whole hour to describe her daughters move to a detached house, from the entrance hallway ,to the fantastic en suite bedroom, even the toilet got a mention the next hour was all about the returns on her husbands pensions, and what they are spending it on , i came away absolutely drained and made my mind up on the way home to never go again , id sooner be in my garden reading a book, much less stressful BTW people change she never used to be like this.

I have an acquaint who talks incessantly and it is draining, moreover when it is negative talk or you can't get a word in edgeways. Also she doesn't listen... she interrupts when I am talking, which is terribly rude. I don't see her often fortunately. Friends have commented about her too, but I don't want to add my penny's worth because it might come back to bite me.

I think that being a kind and empathising person you feel sorry for her - and in being nice meet up and end up feeling totally exasperated and exhausted .

I met one of my friends a few weeks ago .
She chose the day , time and the venue .
As I hurried to get there in good time -she was on the phone .I nearly missed the bus .
She was busy - was I going to be on time ?
She met me at the bus stop frantically listing her activities for the day .
We were supposed to have lunch instead we had tea and a cake whilst she talked AT me .
It was the usual :
the problems , the illnesses, the phobias ....
I burnt my mouth with the tea and the cake stuck in my throat .
Then , she followed me out of the cafe still talking non stop .

Now she's having a major sulk and not communicating with me .
I just deleted our messages and I can see just how one sided our relationship is .
She is one of half a dozen people that I've befriended and ended up feeling totally frazzled .
I've lost count how many Get Well cards with plants ,flowers and chocolates I've taken to her house.
I've been ill for a year and not once has she asked me how I am .
There's a list of things that we were supposed to do and didn't not the to mention the films that she's talked through and her snappy comments .
When she wants to sell me something in a couple of weeks no doubt communication will be resumed .
There comes a time when you have to distance yourself for your own sanity .

Thank you all. Cinema is a great idea, not much room for conversation!

eazybee

Is it possible to take someone else with you in order to keep a more cheerful conversation going? I had a very kind friend who had a friend like yours, and she used to visit with other people (me included) who would maintain a resolutely positive conversation, introducing new topics for the duration of the visit.

Conversations with three are sometimes difficult unless the 3 have shared experiences/friends /interests.

It's not always about people being disinterested in others.

My great-aunt was a trial to be with when she got older. She appeared to have zero interest in anything outside of herself.

It took some time to figure out that she was almost deaf and was as a consequence getting divorced from the outside world as she was getting no audible stimuli. She didn't realise how deaf she was, she lived alone and only saw a few visitors a week.