Family bully/ what to do.

Yes. I'm not sure how "aware" the person I mentioned actually is, but most people would surely have awareness that they are behaving in a damaging way.

Unfortunately, with abusive people, if they are hurting us and they know it we are enabling them

VioletSky

I would recommend looking into grey rock, low contact and no contact

Because if grey rock doesn't work you can try low contact and if low contact doesn't work you can try no contact

It gives you a path to walk

You cannot save them by enabling them

@Violetsky I have been grey rocking for years. LC seems to work best or I just listen while they rant about their problems and don't have to say much that way. I don't mind being supportive, it's just when it starts on me that it's very unfair.

I hope I haven't been enabling them in any way...

@Fancythat I don't think I am a people pleaser now, but I definitely used to be one.

@Ziplok I did call them out and I'm keeping all the messages. In the past I've let myself be beaten down, but my health has taken such a battering this year that I just said no.

@GrandmaFrench that does seem likely but it didn't last for longer than two weeks. Then I was supposed to snap to it and be all sorts of things I couldn't be. There is a complete lack of empathy and understanding of the illness I'm recovering from and not once have they offered me a trip to the hospital or anything useful. In fact I was abused when I explained why I couldn't help them.

That abuse and complete lack of empathy has been the final straw.

Delete the second “obviously” there. Oh, for an edit button!

I agree with grandetante JE65. No one should have to put up with continuous abusive messages, no matter who the person is sending them, because as long as it’s brushed aside with varying excuses, it will continue - and obviously, with the pain it’s obviously causing to the recipient, this can’t be allowed to continue. So please, for your long term well being, call a halt to this and call them out on it. 💐

^ it was hard for me to accept I needed to let go^

Are you a people pleaser?

You may find it helpful to read up some things about why you let the person do such things to you.

You may then find the letting go process easier.

I would recommend looking into grey rock, low contact and no contact

Because if grey rock doesn't work you can try low contact and if low contact doesn't work you can try no contact

It gives you a path to walk

You cannot save them by enabling them

Gingster

Just tell them you will not tolerate this abuse and you are going to delete their number and block any messages from them.

You have to cut this person out of your life as it is affecting your state of mind and health.

Tell, ignore then block, and ghost. Logical.

Or do as M0nica suggests, though it sounds too much bother.

I don’t agree, OP that even with all the advice you are receiving here, that it will be at all easy for you to make a decision and act on it, to eliminate the abuse you are suffering.

And it is abuse. Why should this be allowed to continue? Only you can stop it. I assume you just need to offload this situation, without too much identifying detail, but family and friends are out of the question and it’s hard to know where to turn.

So, where to start? I think before seeking some professional help to assist you with the fallout to come, you must stop playing. If you’re no longer part of the sick game that this person feels certain you don’t have the guts to stop, then show them you damn well do! Tell them, no more, they’re blocked. The end. This is obviously someone close who feels they’ll be able to play mind games indefinitely. A Son, I’d imagine, and someone who’d feel safe that his Mum could never shut him down.

Shut him down. You say you’ve been really ill. You must care more about yourself and start to build a better situation for yourself and stop living in hope that this person will suddenly have a Road to Damascus moment. He/She showed they could only do that when they felt some panic at your hospitalisation.

After blocking, then find a good Counsellor. Start to rebuild your strength and resolve to not be the abused. You’re worth more than that. Stop being reliably compliant/hopeful enough that things will change when only you can change them. It’s then that this person may have a good while to reflect, regret, seek help. Who knows? But in the meantime you’re not enabling your abuser and the torment will stop.

I wish you strength and I wish you well. 💐

Actually I spoke to a abuse helpline last week for an hour, but I have been unable to join their support forum so far because they keep saying my password isn't secure enough. I keep trying and will continue to try as I think that will be the most helpful.

Thankyou for the helpful ideas and just to clarify, I am not concerned with hurting their feelings - it was hard for me to accept I needed to let go, but I had no choice. I told them already that I didn't want to continue the conversation because I'm trying to focus on becoming well. But I didn't block them.

00opsidia

Yes it is ACE's and I know about those too @VioletSky. I think unless the person is ready to deal with those and accept help, it's best to distance otherwise I just end up as the punch bag for all the things that are wrong in their life (none of which are my doing)

Hand on heart I can say I have always done my best, but sometimes your best isn't enough. Relationships take two. I do agree with everything you've said , but I can't do it alone.

The thing you have to remember is that an individual is responsible for themselves

If someone has trauma or mental health issues, it is their responsibility to heal from that, we can't do it for them, only offer our support while they do

Emotional entanglements are unhelpful sometimes. I have always kept all messages, in case of anything. I have proof of every conversation, that I've been nothing but kind and patient, encouraging at appropriate times.

I did comment on the state of my health (It's been a bad year- been in and out of hospital a lot) and that I wasn't up to having these conversations, that I need time to heal.

I chose this forum because (to me) "ask a Gran" gives me a mental image of a friendly, caring Granny who patiently and kindly gives advice. I was lucky to have an amazing Grandma, so that's my association with the word "Gran". If someone asks me a question I try to be kind because you never know what the rest of the iceberg is.

Accidentally inserted the link twice. It should just be at the end.

Lets get this clear. This is a case of elder abuse and elder abuse is a crime.

I accept that this person has mental issues - but elder abuse is a crime, whether the person has mental issues or not. All that is different is how the police, justice and mental authourities react to it.

This person is behaving in the classic abuser manner, first Mr/Mrs Nice, then Mr/Mrs Nasty, then Mr/Mrs Nice, and so on ad infinitum. Winding you up and keeping you there all the time worrying and wondering what they will do next, meanwhile watching you like a live fly stuck down with a pin, wriggling around and tryingto escape, but unable to do so. You have a choice. Either you keep suffering or you take some action, there is no alternative solution.

So what do you do? You prepare your dossier of as many of the messages you can get together as possible, along with a timeline showing how long it has been going on and the frequency of the messages. Write about the mix of nice and nasty. Everything.

When you have completed your dossier, go to the police, tell them that you are being psychologically abused by a memeber of your family and that you consider yourself a victim of elder abuse. You could warn the perpetrator in advance that you will do this if they do not stop, but if having made the threat but do nothing when the abuse continues, you are in an even worse situation because they know they have the upper hand.

So the choice is yours, 0opsidia. You continue faffing around, like the fly on the pin suffering and letting your persecutor get the upperhand or you take decisive action by preparing a dossier and going to the police.

My betting is that you will do nothing, just keep wriggling on that pin. My experience is that the most difficult abuse to deal with is elder abuse, because the person abusing the older person is a relative and they do not want to upset other members in the family. So they suffer, and suffer and suffer, like you are doing now.

I am sorry if this reads as a brutal post - no, actually I am not. I am being cruel to be kind. I am horrified by your situation. I would do anything to help you, but help can only come if you are prepared to stiffen your spine, say 'enough is enough' and deal decisively with the problem.

Ask yourself whether you really are prepared to suffer like this until you die, rather than upset family members? I cannot believe that is so.

Here is a link to an Age UK Factsheet www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/factsheets/fs78_safeguarding_older_people_from_abuse_fcs.pdf

I suggest you talk to someone independent. Start by talking to Age UK, ask them whether they can find someone who can work with you as your advocate (not a lawyer of any kind) but a person who will walk with you and be with you as you do all that is necessary and help you deal with the legal side of things.

At the end of the day 00opsidia the ball is in your court and only you can decide where to hit it.

Here is a link to an Age UK Factsheet www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/factsheets/fs78_safeguarding_older_people_from_abuse_fcs.pdf

You've done well to even try to get this person into counselling, but what I think now is to go to it for personal support whilst you do try and block this quite ill and destructive person. I say that as it seems the case there is an emotional entanglement that makes it difficult for you to just block the person.

Definitely keep past material in case you need to take it in any legal direction.

My understanding as to why you cant give more detail is that . this is a public forum, it's bound to be limited as to what you can say and who you can safely ID.

Just tell them you will not tolerate this abuse and you are going to delete their number and block any messages from them.

You have to cut this person out of your life as it is affecting your state of mind and health.

I agree 00ops you can't be someone's emotional punch bag regardless of any mental health issues they may have. It's up to them to recognise they have a problem and seek the appropriate help.

Not all mental health problems are due to adverse childhood experiences. We have to be careful not to always be prepared
to buy into the 'it must be the fault of the parent' mantra, placing all responsibility onto the parent and completely absolving the abusive AC.

Yes it is ACE's and I know about those too @VioletSky. I think unless the person is ready to deal with those and accept help, it's best to distance otherwise I just end up as the punch bag for all the things that are wrong in their life (none of which are my doing)

Hand on heart I can say I have always done my best, but sometimes your best isn't enough. Relationships take two. I do agree with everything you've said , but I can't do it alone.

VioletSky

For me it is very simple

I would immediately get myself into counselling to understand the dynamics of the relationship and talk through the experience.

I would think back to this person's past experiences, Mental health issues likely stem from ACEs which are Adverse Childhood experience or trauma that happened as an adult. ACEs are more common.

I would then offer some sort of joint counselling to find out if this is a situation you could work through and repair together.

You don't share any of the content of the messages so it is hard to know whether what you are recieving is true abuse or anger, frustration or accusations. Is part of the reason you don't want to share with family because of information contained about yourself?

If offering joint counselling or other support fails, I would not respond to negative messages unless those messages are accusations about your behaviour in the relationship, in which case, I would want to self reflect on that because none of us are perfect. I would want to apologise and change those behaviours while remembering mistakes can never be undone

It's always important for me to be the better person and do what I can to resolve issues

Thanks VS, I did offer joint therapy but it was refused. I am looking at sole counselling.

No the messages are not about my behaviour at all as I have been very care ful to only be kind , bearing in mind this is a troubled individual.

Yes, it's important to be the better person, I agree. But if someone refuses to get counselling with you and gets angry at anyone having counselling, it makes it very hard to progress. I have tried very hard to resolve things and been very patient, but its so bad for my health.

fancythat

^I would immediately get myself into counselling to understand the dynamics of the relationship and talk through the experience.^

Even if it as the op says, soemone she is not responsible for? eg a cousin?

I am assuming someone closer because contact hasn't stopped

P.s. If it’s not your son or daughter OOopsidia then I would block them and don’t take anymore sh**.

I would block them. The worst abuse is when it's intemittent ie as in your original post they reach out & "She wants to be my friend!". She doesn't. She's manipulating you. If you block them & they do really want to still connect wth you, there's a million ways they could initiate that, even blocked.I came from a really successful job in capital, loved by all, confidence lifetime high, to a job where I was bullied by a passive agressive,same level, who although she sometimes had a go personally, most the time she got others to do it for her.(I needed to be home to care for my in-laws in their last years). For 3 years I attempted to make her see I'm not arrogant, I'm not London, I'm not after anything she has in her job & sometimes we'd click & that kept me there. I did report to managers but there was a change midway & I think my sufferings were trivialised by the incoming young manager. I gave up & left for a similar job elsewhere after 3 years, but my confidence was zilch by this time & I've been treated for depression since & altogether, I should've left on D3 of that job.People are manipulative, if you have abusive texts from her, block her.

I think many are overlooking the fact that with cases like this giving too much detail can be painful, and with any post concerning abuse it is always best not to be judgemental.
If posters don’t know how to give advice due to the lack of detail perhaps a little sympathy would go down well.

You say, op, that you wouldnt allow anyone else to talk to you like the person does.

Do they have some sort of hold over you?
Knowledge? Physical? Emotional blackmail type thing?

There seems to be a reason why you let this person get away with things that you wouldnt let other people do to you and say to you.

I would immediately get myself into counselling to understand the dynamics of the relationship and talk through the experience.

Even if it as the op says, soemone she is not responsible for? eg a cousin?