Son's partner being unhospitable.

I have certainly seen my adult children’s houses soon after they moved in, before, during and after renovations. No issues. They want to show me. Seems natural to me, but we meet up because we want to, not merely to see each others’ houses.
More to these relationships than meets the eye, I guess, but the OP has reached a sensible decision.
I hope it goes well.

I've never denied anyone access to our home either Sarahr, & never regretted welcoming any visitor we've ever had. My mum has always had rather a critical attitude to my housekeeping & partner, & we live about 2 hours' drive away. I recall some anxious mornings cooking & cleaning when she was visiting - but- 40 years on - mum & her partner won't drive on the motorway since Covid & I only see her when I drive to them. Sometimes especially when I've repainted the bedroom they would use, or the garden's looking particularly lovely, I'm so sad they can't visit us any more. (public transport's just too difficult)

Excuses, Excuses.
We have been in turmoil at home while we built an extension and are still not straight. Have I refused visitors? No. Why would I? Take it as you find it.
I'm afraid youngsters nowadays are always finding excuses not to allow certain people in.
I never have denied anyone access to my home at any time. Washing hanging around, so what, paperwork out, so what, walls half built, so what. You are welcome to visit us at any time.

I find it odd that the OP talks about seeing/visiting her dil's and son's house, not seeing/visiting them, the people who live in this unseen house.

I don't think I have ever cared about seeing someone's house. I go to visit people. Commonly this also involves seeing a bit of their house but it's the people I'm visiting, not the house.

Could this have something to do with the dil's apparently odd criteria about who is allowed to visit the house and when?

Even if that is the case, her rule about the younger son not coming to the house as well seems weird. Maybe it just is a really weird situation and we don't know the whole story.

I think the OP has received some very harsh replies here, talk of feeling entitled, or expectations being too high. For heaven’s sakes it’s their son, a year is a LONG time. I don’t think OP is overreacting at all. Of course, nobody knows the reason, lots of suggestions here but unless she speaks with her son, and asks him what’s going on, she’s not going to know. On the face of it - for a ‘normal’ family who haven’t had a falling out, it’s weird and hurtful to bar the brother. I don’t blame the OP for feeling miffed. There’s got to be more going on.

Most parents, who have a good relationship with their ACs, would've visited their new home long before a year of them moving in. For most families, that's a completely normal expectation, unless you're not on good terms with them ...

They've already decided on a pub meal, so no one is having to do any cooking. And, if the OP had originally expected this, she was wrong to assume so, particularly with renovations going on (if that is the case).

This really isn't a major problem. It's something that can be sorted out quite easily. Even so, I still find it highly strange that a family, who apparently have (had?) a good relationship, find themselves in this situation.

Also, I have to say (because it irritates me immensely), that it never ceases to amaze me how some posters completely get the wrong end of the stick (I assume they don't read the posts properly?), and they end up writing their own narrative, which is completely different to the actual scenario! If you're going to respond to the OPs posts, please read them properly first before commenting, they are not difficult to understand. And before anyone asks why I've not quoted said posts, it's because I've already read the posts, and I don't have time to back through them all to find them again!

CasB, glad you've made the decision to drive yourselves, hope you enjoy seeing the new house!

crazyH

Since I am on my own, the AC often ask me over, to join them for a meal. It’s a spur of the moment thing. On one occasion, my grown-up grandson’s casual visits to me, coincided with these ‘spur of the moment’ invitations. So, I thought it would be no great deal to ask him along. It would also be a good chance for him to see his little cousins. Big Mistake !!! I was told off, thankfully not within earshot of my grandson. In our culture, the ‘pot is always on the boil’, so to speak. Is it too much of a hardship, to put an extra handful of chips or an extra cup of rice ?
In the OP’s case, they were going to a Pub. So I don’t understand why the younger son couldn’t be included. Or have I got it wrong ?

CrazyH I feel for you and your grandson. How awful and sad.

However some posters have “logiced it out” with their various responses to CazBs OP, I still think the behaviour is odd and alien.
However if the OPs older son is quite happily going along with it all then just leave ‘em to it.

What an absolute cow! Dies she take a look at herself in the mirror of a morning says I’m an ok person? Still what goes around…….. and karma is a bitch. Poor you and of course you feel powerless

welbeck

it's up to them what they want or not in terms of visits.
it is totally irrelevant what others would do;
none of that equals what these people should do.
OP, you either respect their wishes or not.
if you want to keep on best terms possible, i suggest you say you will wait until they are more settled.
invite them to yours, or a neutral location for a meal, if you really want to see and chat to them, rather than inspect the house.
such a lot of disapproval, they have probably picked up on, and don't feel comfortable in your company.
people are individuals.
they have their own priorities, wishes, values.
you cannot bend them to your will, or expect them to roll over and admit the error of their ways.
they are adults, they live as they want.
i see a lot of this disapproval of other people, dressed up as not understanding, but really it's an attitude that they should do what you want, live as you would.
that's never going to happen, and leads to tension.

just this perfect

CazB

Actually the 50 year old son is the one with the partner MissAdventure, it is our younger son who kindly offered to drive us but we were told he wasn't invited. We will go and drive ourselves, which I am sure is the best option. No point in causing a family rift. Thank you again for your comments.

No wonder we are all confused I have just seen this, this confirms even more so that you should of course drive yourself and pay for the lunch too as you invited yourselves.
It also confirms my view that your poor DIL is dreading your visit to a house which is not ready and which she did not to show off yet. Poor woman

I don't read it like the youngest son is not invited, I read it like the youngest son realises his brother and wife are not ready for visitors yet therefore he is not going but DIL has offered to drive them but is probably not staying.
I think if OP and her husband are able to drive as OP says they are they should do so, it is them who have been pushing for a visit, in my view is really rude despite the timing. Some parents have never been in their children's houses. It is not law you must be allowed. It is entirely up to the offspring when you are welcome and if.
I also think OP should apologise to the younger set for having got involved. How did they get involved anyway, I bet the oldest set were hoping OP would call it off for now
Your oldest DIL is not looking forward to welcoming you because you make to much of their visit when they come. It is family visiting not royalty she is dreading all the work it will give her in an unfinished house, which she may feel you are likely to comment on too. Time and money does not always allow for work to be completed in a mere 12 months.

Does your son not cook? Seriously, are we time travelling to the 1970s?

Sounds like your new DIL doesnt like her BIL.
Maybe he’s been rude to her and you know nothing about it.

If you’re just interested in the house, bide your time for a Grand Tour until all the remodelling is done, and ask your son to take some pictures of you can’t suppress your nosiness.

It sounds like there’s something going on with them all, and you know nothing about it.

I’d let it be until you’re invited by your new DIL.

The most important thing going forward is your relationship with your son’s wife.

Behaving like a bulldozer, and not respecting her space or her preference not to have her husband’s brother in her house won’t help you in the long run.

You do sound a little bit insensitive and entitled to me.
It’s her house, they’re her rules.

Her husband will agree with her over you, as he’s having sex with her. Insisting on things your way will backfire for you.

Smileless2012

I hope it goes well Caz.

Yes, me too, Caz. 💐

Is it not up to them who they invite over? It's THEIR home. They've told you they are having work done on the house yet have still been kind enough to invite you over because you have pressured them to do so. They don't have to invite your youngest son just because you want him there. Works on homes is expensive - they've been in a year, they're probably trying to get their house up to the standard they want before they invite others over to show it off. It's also quite rude to expect she should have to cook - son is already acting like a chauffeur to you for the evening (a 4 hour round trip to collect you and drop you off if you live an hour away) because you don't like driving. She may not enjoy cooking. I think you are being a bit unfair on this one. See the house and just appreciate the opportunity to spend some time with them.

I hope it goes well Caz.

Ah, thanks you.
Wrong end of the stick, here, so apologies.

I do hope you have a good time.

Actually the 50 year old son is the one with the partner MissAdventure, it is our younger son who kindly offered to drive us but we were told he wasn't invited. We will go and drive ourselves, which I am sure is the best option. No point in causing a family rift. Thank you again for your comments.

Hithere

I don't undersrand why OP needs to see that house

Wouldn't a visit with dil and son be enough? Enjoy their company?
What is so wrong with going to a pub?

As for the high standard of treating the guest by OP - we do not know how that visit went

Expectations are the downfall here

I don't understand needing to see a house either - expectations are certainly downfall here. Perhaps attempt never expecting of others?

If you're not bothered about seeing her unfinished house- meet them 'Half Way' - but actually 'physically'. So it's a 30 minute drive for them & a 30 mit drive for them too. To find an agreeable restaurant. Talk it over with them PRIOR to who is going to pick up the WHOLE bill , with an agreement IN place that the OTHER 'half' of the table- to pick up the WHOLE bill the next time you all agree to do it this 'restaurant' way.
No excuses now.
Not now.

If you’re going out for a meal, then it surely doesn’t matter who is attending, so why leave your son out?

It all sounds a bit weird - what is DILs problem here?

Seems a lot of drama about very little, on her part. 🤷‍♀️

Maybe she has had some sorry of breakdown,you might get a shock when you see the house,all sounds very weird,good luck
whatever you decide———maybe just say would you like to come here I know your really busy .

it's up to them what they want or not in terms of visits.
it is totally irrelevant what others would do;
none of that equals what these people should do.
OP, you either respect their wishes or not.
if you want to keep on best terms possible, i suggest you say you will wait until they are more settled.
invite them to yours, or a neutral location for a meal, if you really want to see and chat to them, rather than inspect the house.
such a lot of disapproval, they have probably picked up on, and don't feel comfortable in your company.
people are individuals.
they have their own priorities, wishes, values.
you cannot bend them to your will, or expect them to roll over and admit the error of their ways.
they are adults, they live as they want.
i see a lot of this disapproval of other people, dressed up as not understanding, but really it's an attitude that they should do what you want, live as you would.
that's never going to happen, and leads to tension.

I don't understand why the OP hasn't seen the house already, seems odd to me but we're all different.

I don't undersrand why OP needs to see that house

Wouldn't a visit with dil and son be enough? Enjoy their company?
What is so wrong with going to a pub?

As for the high standard of treating the guest by OP - we do not know how that visit went

Expectations are the downfall here

Since I am on my own, the AC often ask me over, to join them for a meal. It’s a spur of the moment thing. On one occasion, my grown-up grandson’s casual visits to me, coincided with these ‘spur of the moment’ invitations. So, I thought it would be no great deal to ask him along. It would also be a good chance for him to see his little cousins. Big Mistake !!! I was told off, thankfully not within earshot of my grandson. In our culture, the ‘pot is always on the boil’, so to speak. Is it too much of a hardship, to put an extra handful of chips or an extra cup of rice ?
In the OP’s case, they were going to a Pub. So I don’t understand why the younger son couldn’t be included. Or have I got it wrong ?