Son's partner being unhospitable.

Well as your younger son won’t be allowed into their house it leaves you with no option but to cancel.

Point out to her why you are cancelling and how upset you are.

I think this is a case of "zip the lip" through gritted teeth on your part 🤐

As you're going to the pub for a meal would your younger son mind waiting there for you while you have a look at the house, as long as you won't be too long?
I'd be conscious of not making too many waves and putting your elder son in an awkward position as well.
Good luck 👍

PS your son will know why you have cancelled and it is up to him to sort out any differences with his wife.

Where is your son in all this? It’s his house and his hospitality (or lack of it) too. More so, in fact, since responsibility for maintaining the relationship with you and his brother should be his, not hers.

Perhaps she is feeling that expectations are too high and that you might be critical of the house or her cooking?

I agree with Siope. Your son is equally culpable in all of this, if not more so as you are his parents not hers. Don't just put the blame on his partner. It is hurtful and rather silly behaviour and I would personally cancel. What difference would one extra person in the house make? Explain that you don't want to drive and you've now lost your lift.

Going forward you've got 2 choices. You say nothing, remain cordial in communications and swallow the hurt. Or, you speak your mind and cause a huge rift. Bear in mind that your son will stand by his partner, not you, so you run the risk of going no contact with him.

Out of interest, what's their relationship like with her parents? Do they get invited to the house, for meals etc?

Ask your son what is going on. It doesn't make sense - your younger son is close family and taking you there for goodness sake - if I was him I would be quite upset.

I get why they might not want to entertain if they are having work done on their house. What I don't get is why your older son's younger brother is excluded.

Does your daughter in law have any good reasons for excluding your younger son (you may have to ask him about this) or does she have a history of being controlling? Is this her, not very subtle, way of telling you not to come? I would try and talk to your older son without her knowing to try and find out just what is behind her rather rude behaviour.

You have set a high standard when you entertained them

Perhaps she feels she cannot live up to that with either her cooking or the current state of the house...

It's just a house, focus on the people instead and spending time with them and strengthening the relationship... Meet them out for dinner or invite them to come to you

Normally it would be your own son who would ring his parents to arrange things, not your daughter in law. It looks to me as though there’s an issue with your older son, rather than with your daughter in law - I’d guess she rang your husband because it was easier for her to say to him than to you that your younger son wasn’t able to visit - your older son is avoiding having the conversation with you, his father or his brother himself, so you need to speak to him to find out why.

If the younger son is your lift then I don't see how this will work, is he supposed to sit in the car?
An extra person, especially a member of the family, shouldn't be any more of a problem than having the both of you go round there.
Odd.
Your older son should explain all this to his partner, and if she is worried about cooking for all of you due to work being done to their property, suggest sending out for a take away.
Make it casual. Perhaps she thinks she has to provide as good a spread as you did.

As you are eating in a pub, why not arrange to meet there first ( driven by your younger son) to have lunch. Then assuming you will need your younger son to drive you to the house, would your DiL really have the nerve to tell him he can’t come in- in front of his brother and his parents?
This is a crazy situation.

Desdemona

Ask your son what is going on. It doesn't make sense - your younger son is close family and taking you there for goodness sake - if I was him I would be quite upset.

Speak to your son and find out what the problem is. The partner might be insecure and embarrassed that they are not yet in a position to offer the hospitality that you have offered in the past. Make it quite clear that you want to meet up with them, see their new home, with your younger son, and are not there to judge!

Babs03

If the younger son is your lift then I don't see how this will work, is he supposed to sit in the car?
An extra person, especially a member of the family, shouldn't be any more of a problem than having the both of you go round there.
Odd.
Your older son should explain all this to his partner, and if she is worried about cooking for all of you due to work being done to their property, suggest sending out for a take away.
Make it casual. Perhaps she thinks she has to provide as good a spread as you did.

Ooops sorry didn’t pay attention, you say you are eating in a pub so what is the fuss all about?

If my other son were to be excluded I would politely decline the invitation.

Having your younger son drive you and then wait at the pub while you visit his brother’s house, is just plain weird. Is that what she expects? I’d ask her in a friendly fashion, “Is that what you mean?” And if she says yes, then just say “That would be weird. He (Son no 2) would have to come too”.

As an aside, we had to move into our house and live in one room and could use the kitchen and a shower and loo, whilst the builder was still here and had run over schedule. On about day 2 friends turned up unexpectedly to what was essentially a builder’s site, with flowers and a housewarming gift, and years later we still laugh with them about my expression when I opened the door, in shorts and a vest, streaked with dust and dirt and a headscarf! They were invited in and we had a cup of tea in the garden. Best to go with the flow!

Babs03

Babs03

If the younger son is your lift then I don't see how this will work, is he supposed to sit in the car?
An extra person, especially a member of the family, shouldn't be any more of a problem than having the both of you go round there.
Odd.
Your older son should explain all this to his partner, and if she is worried about cooking for all of you due to work being done to their property, suggest sending out for a take away.
Make it casual. Perhaps she thinks she has to provide as good a spread as you did.

Ooops sorry didn’t pay attention, you say you are eating in a pub so what is the fuss all about?

After a third re-read I worked out the partner doesn't want younger son inside the house, nothing to do with the pub. Perhaps re-think, don't go at all.

Go, pay lots of compliments on the house, commiserate with the length of time building work takes, be positive and encouraging and then enjoy a stressfree meal at the pub.

They are not ready for visitors, you have ‘dropped hints’ and therefore put them in a position where they feel they should invite you. So now embrace the invitation, put your best selves forward and be as supportive as you can.

How to get there? If son2 is willing to drive and be part of the lunch party that would be ideal but it is only an hour each way. You could drive yourselves even though you ‘don’t enjoy’ driving.
You only need to do it once in your whole life after all.

Is there a problem between your two sons?That might account for your DIL making the call

Go and make the best of the day. I found it excruciatingly awkward when we moved house, had no kitchen, no wardrobes, living out of boxes and our nearest and dearest examining every nook and cranny, so I understand the reluctance to show off a house when in a building muddle. If you meet up on their terms, you will consolidate a good relationship. Compliment the location, and what has bee done so far.
Lots of warmth, hugs and thanks - have a good visit.

Is it the people or the house itself you are so curious about?

It seems odd that your son's opinions haven't been mentioned-this all seems a bit strained.

How come they've lived there a whole year and you haven't been? You use the word 'invited' as this is some sort of process you have to undertake, and not just 'go round.'

You then say that they have 'invited; you but she will not be cooking. Were you expecting her to throw a dinner party or something, for your benefit? What's wrong with eating out? If you don't want to then eat before you go or offer to pick up a take-away on the way or something.

You say you don't 'enjoy' driving much either- this sounds like you're expecting your other son to be your chaffeur- has he been to his brother's house yet, without you?

Can you get a bus? Taxi? Train? Why does your other son have to take you? I really don't get it.

They aren't ready to 'receive' visitors, after a year? Where do they live, Bridgerton? This is most bizarre.

Then you say this is the reason your son can't go in the house. Even stranger.

I think the statement about your 'lavish' entertainment is the real give-away here. It is clear you are expecting a certain standard that your son and his partner may not live up to, and that you are setting them up to fail your expectations, Maybe this is the reason they have waited so long-m maybe they are terrified?

You are making out that the younger son is being treated unfairly but I suspect this is giving you the excuse to make out they don't want you to visit and therefore you aren't going to.

You want my view? Don't go. I don't think you want to spend time with them. I think you just want to see the house and then criticise it because of your strange expectations.
Go for a meal in a safe and neutral space. Talk to them. Listen to them. Treat them as people and they might respond a little better to your expectations and demands.

If you have both have been dropping hints perhaps your son and partner feel miffed about it and are asking you both round knowing that the younger brother will drive you and so you will be forced to refuse when he isn’t invited, then if you complain about not seeing their place they can say ‘Ah but we did invite you.’
Btw that is a bit of a stretch and meant to be lighthearted.
But who knows?

I don’t blame her for not cooking. Maybe she’s not confident enough to cook for you so I don’t think a pub meal is a problem but it seems odd that your younger son isn’t welcome.

As others have said where is your older son in this? If you aren’t comfy with driving I’d explain that that’s a problem and see what they say.

Comfortable not comfy!