Totally overwhelmed with life's problems

Tiger, glad you feel a bit better, wishing you and your daughter well. Come back anytime if you want to chat.

To lose a child is about the worst that can be imagined, and a loss of the kind you have had must be the hardest to bear. I can find no words. My DD divorced years ago in the most traumatic of circumstances and we could not imagine her life ever improving. It has, and she and our much loved GC have a happier life now than they could ever have had with her ex. Time slowly unravelled the upset, confusion and the struggles, and we have survived. Take heart. xx

Thank you all so much for your kind and compassionate responses. I try not to impose my feelings too much on others in "real life" (everyone has their own problems to deal with I know) but last night I really did feel overwhelmed with worry and sadness and needed to let it out. When your worst fears have been realised, it is hard not to catastrophize every new problem that arises. I reached out to strangers on the internet and feel I was responded to by friends

I really appreciate your empathy and advice, regarding both taking care of myself and on my daughter's situation. Some of you seem to have knowledge and/or experience of abusive relationships and the effects they have on both mother and child, and conversely, it was reassuring to hear of the benefits there can be to leaving.

I would a million times rather my daughter's relationship had been all she had hoped it would be and that she could have had a happy family with him, but, through no fault of her own, that is not to be. I am proud that she has the strength and determination to look for a better life for herself and her child. Comments on here have given me a fresh perspective and a hope that things will be alright. I'll try to focus on her lead and support her in whatever way is best for her.

Thanks again. Your support has meant more than you would know.

Tigerpaws, I am so very sorry about your daughter taking her own life, it must be the hardest thing to bear but you have managed to get through the last two years. Your youngest daughter needs you to back her now in her decision to leave the emotional abusive marriage, that is to her credit. It’s no good staying in an abusive relationship as her child will pick up on the atmosphere. She is stronger than you think and so are you, she has obviously thought everything through.. Do something each day just for you, a walk for example on your own clears your mind for a while. Chat with a friend, there's no need for it to be about your daughter.

So,so sorry about losing your daughter in such tragic circumstances. And now to have further worry. No wonder you feel overwhelmed.
Our DD has just decided enough enough in her relationship with her partner and father of our two grandchildren 8 and 5.And whilst not physically abusive he has been emotionally abusive,eroded her confidence and we've seen her become increasingly unhappy.So not a great shock they are splitting, and tbh a relief as she has the rest of her life to live and deserves happiness.But of course we are so worried about the children,our DGS is having accidents and won't sleep in his own bed and our DGD is noticeably clingy.But ultimately I believe they will be better than in a household without all the tension. I think it was on GN a while ago I saw this wise saying - better to come from a broken home than live in one.
We are also worried about the financial implications as he's useless with money and being
awkward already.
Just take it a day at a time and try to take some time out for yourself.Find something you enjoy even if it's a little thing - yesterday I just took myself to a cafe and read my book with a coffee and cake for an hour as I was in worry mode.Wishing you very strength and ultimately peace of mind.

Life is dealing you a terrible hand just now, Tigerpaws. It is not selfish to take some time for yourself in order to give your mind a little break from these overwhelming emotions. Try to sleep, get outside for a gentle walk or treat yourself in some way. The situation will be still there when you get back to it, but you will be in a stronger place to carry on. Take care.💐

You have a lot on your plate, and must also look to your own health in order to help your nearest and dearest. That I wish you all the best of health goes without saying, and I hope and expect you will get practical advice and emotional support here at Gransnet.

I advise only that that you balance your care for your family with your care for yourself.

As much as your daughter’s decision to leave the marriage is distressing you may be grateful in the long run that she found the courage to do so. Many don’t…

Hopefully supporting her to move on in a positive way will help you at the same time. Make sure to remember to look after yourself and I wish you all the best for a brighter future.

My heart aches for you. The death of your daughter must devastating I am truly sad for you and your family.
Your youngest daughter is a very brave woman it takes tremendous courage to admit what has been going on , I am sure you are very proud of her. I fully understand you are worrying about whether you are strong enough to support her, you will be ! You already know how strong she is and with your input she will steer her life and that of her child towards a much happier future - do have faith! Nothing is worse for her than persevering through a marriage with an abuse husband . She has no option but to leave and your precious grandchild will be fine - he/ she won't be if they stay with both parents, please be glad of that . You are an amazing Mum and I feel sure your daughter knows that. Don't feel you have to be fixing everything for her , no doubt she has friends and other relatives that will stand by her.
I wish you all well and send happy vibes to your family. You can do this but take good care of yourself!! 💐💐💐

Many many condolences about the death of your daughter.



I would firstly suggest you think seriously about seeing both your GP and a grief counsellor.

Please don’t worry too much about your dearest GC, children are remarkably resilient and it’s much healthier to live with one caring parent than stay within a toxic and abusive relationship.

Please look after yourself first and good luck

100% what Sarnia said.

It takes huge courage and strength to leave an abusive relationship. The future can look so daunting that it sometimes seems easier to stay than go. But your daughter is showing real strength of character and most importantly, she felt she could tell you which speaks volumes about your relationship with her - and about you as a loving Mother.

I'm really, truly sorry about the loss of your daughter. A pain that no parent should have to go through. But don't doubt your capacity to support your younger daughter - you sound like a strong, caring and sensible person. She and your grandchild will move on to a happier and safer life, with loving parents and grandparents by their side.

As a survivor of domestic violence you should take comfort from the fact that your daughter was able to come to you and discuss it. That says a lot about the type of Mum you are. The victim in an abusive relationship is in a dark and lonely place. You try to hide what is happening from everyone and hope things will improve. 9 times out of 10 they don't. Rather than feel sad for your daughter and grandchild be thankful that she has found the courage to leave before things get much worse with further detriment to their health and well-being or as so often happens, the victim's death at the hands of their abuser. Her courage and openness means her and her child will have a brighter and safer future and with a family around her to offer love and support. They will be fine, you'll see.

Your daughter has chosen to keep her problems from you until now. I think that shows strength. When I walked out of my marriage taking my 6 year old daughter with me, I had no money, no home, both my parents were dead and my only sister lived abroad but I had the possibility of a much happier life ahead of me and that made the future brighter than the past. I understand that this has upset you but can you try to see this in a positive light? Your GD will be fine and so will your daughter, give her the help she asks for if you can, lots of love and she'll find her way through to a happy life.

Such positive comments here and as usual excellent advice from grandmafrench.
So sorry for your loss. 💐

If you are in a liveing supportive marriage yourself you will not understand how your daughter’s life is with an abusive partner. Getting out of that if far far better than staying as it will never change no matter what promises are given. Your grandchild will pick up on his mums unhappiness and that will be far worse for him to experience. I grew up in such a home and believe me, it was a nightmare and never leaves you. She is lucky she has lovely parents so please try not to worry , you have enough pain to cope with already. Your daughter has shown she will not tolerate this bully anymore so she is stronger than you think.

Oh Tigerpaws I was so sorry to read your post. I can't imagine the terrible time you have been through.
I want to add weight behind those posters telling you that divorce can result, eventually, in a happier state for parents and children. Much better that your little grandchild grows up in a comfortable single parent home, than an unpleasant two parent one.
Support gently, be there for your daughter and grandchild, and remember to take good care of yourself.
I wish you and yours brighter days ahead.

The loss of a child is devastating, I do not think my mother ever recovered from my sister's death - and her death was accidental, not suicide.

There is another member of GN who has suffered as you have and hopefully will see this post and respond. Your other daughter's marriage problems just pile misery on grief.

But what I want to talk about now is - you -. To survive this terrible time in your life, you must look after yourself. So try each day to find an hour for yourself. It may be no more than sitting alone in a quiet room. But with autumn upon us, and the glorious changing colours. Is there anywhere, locally, where you can go for a walk, push your distress to the back of mind and respond to the nature around you. The walking will be good for mind and body. Then go home and have a quiet cup of tea, retuning to the troubles that surround you.

Please, Tigerpaws57 spare time and thought for yourself everyday. It will be to everybodies benefit.

Sorry for your loss. About your current daughter leaving her partner. You should be proud of her that she cares about herself and son so much. Some women are not as strong as her. You said: "I am heartbroken that my little grandchild is facing this disruption and insecurity and I'm so scared for how my daughter will cope with all the responsibility, hard work and loneliness of single parenthood". Your grandson will be so much happier in a stable loving household without seeing his mother abused. Your daughter will love the responsibility and hard work of being a mother who is no longer being abused by her partner. Why do you think she will be lonely? Do you know how many friends she can have who are kind? Do you know what a relief it is to finally leave a very bad relationship and bond fully with your child. That is not loneliness. That is joyfullness. She should celebrate getting away from such a person and enjoy the rest of her life without him. She is an adult. She doesn't need you or your husband to take care of her. She is an adult and sounds like a very wise lady. Stop being sad about her decision and be proud of her.

I am so, so sorry. The loss of your daughter must be devastating. Please look after yourself because then you will find the strength to look after your younger daughter and granddaughter. Your daughter did the right thing to leave an emotionally abusive man. It will have been very hard for her but she has found the courage to do it. She has her close, loving family to love and support her now.

Will read your post later

Tigerpaws - I couldn’t read the whole story not because of lack of paragraphs. Once I read about the suicide, I couldn’t go any further.
I will probably read your story, in the meanwhile, I’d just like to say how sorry I am for all that you are going through.

Charleygirl5

I am really sorry but I cannot read this as there are no paragraphs and as I am partially sighted I need a break in the writing.

My phone isn't particularly sophisticated but l can highlight the text then choose to have what I've highlighted "read aloud". You might find this useful.

Please you need to put on your own oxygen mask before helping your daughter put on hers.

This sounds so overwhelming and understandably miserable for everyone concerned. You are grieving your daughter and also a marriage you had invested in as a mother. And grief takes it's time to heal. I think as well as the obvious losses, you grieve the future you imagined and you're in shock because your life has changed so suddenly.
But you will all be happy again and you will be able to cope with the changes as they gradually happen.
When I was in a similar situation I found reading the book The grieving brain really helpful to understand why it's hard to move on.
You want to support your daughter but you also need support for you. When I feel overwhelmed and stuck I write down my feelings and then shut the book away . It can be interesting to read back and see how far you've come.
I hope you get some good ideas for coping.

My DD divorced her husband (they argued a lot). I too was worried for the children, 5 and 3.

But now 3 years on it is so much better, he has the children every other weekend.

My DD is so much happier and the children have blossomed.

An unhappy house is very destructive to children's sense of security.

Wishing you all well.