So tired but don’t want to lose him

Talking about tiredhelper in hospital and her children in care is real scaremongering
I see you haven’t returned tiredhelper, not surprised given some less than helpful comments

Tiredhelper. I think you deserve a medal for all that you are doing. Please, please ignore some of the harsh comments here.
I would have hoped understanding of mental health problems had moved on.
Anyway my suggestion is that you might try reduce your grandson’s stays to every second weekend. That way you are not withdrawing help. If you made it everyone second and fourth weekend, you might get an extra break on the five weekend months. Your other children might have activities on Saturday afternoons and you could ask your daughter to collect the little one at lunchtime.
I hope she is taking the toddler to playgroups etc where she can make friends. She might also qualify for the 15 hours of free childcare.
I really do wish you well.

pascal30

BigBopper

I am not saying that the mum (tiredhelper) is depressed I am saying that her daughter is the problem and she is making her mum (tiredhelper) ill by having her looking after her, her own two children and now her grandson.

Why do people have children when they cannot take care of them themselves then expect their parents to take over but still be abusive to them when they are trying to help.

This poor lady (tiredhelper) needs to hand her daughter over to Social Services and let them sort her out.

Not only is her daughter ill she is also abusive and she should be kept away from her son until she gets herself sorted out and leave her mum (tiredhelper) to get her life back without the problems of an abusive daughter. She (tiredhelper) will never, ever get any thanks for what she is doing for her daughter and it will only make her ill, then who will take care of her grandson and two young children.

This is the problem with many families, their adult children think they have the right to always fall back on their parents for money and help when things get tough instead of trying to sort their problems out themselves.

Sometimes it is about cutting ties until the adult children get their act together and seek the help they need.

This poster is only 39, so her daughter must be pretty young as well. I don't think is unusual that she probably needs help and falls back, as you say BigBopper, on her mum.. I really don't think that cutting ties is an answer to this problem..

I agree with previous posters that finding a nursery place during the week, or getting some of the fathers/ grandfathers involved in the care would relieve some of the pressure on this poor poster..

Tiredhelper is at the end of her tether because of her abusive mentally ill daughter.

All the pity in the world will not make this better, the daughter needs help now and so does her mum (Tiredhelper) so it is best if the daughter, no matter how young she is gets the help she needs from Social services as she is a strain on the family.

Tiredhelper needs to step away now otherwise she will end up in hospital and the three children will be taken into care because there is no way they will give custody of her two sons and grandson to this mentally unstable daughter.

Tiredhelper needs to put the care of her two children and grandson first, her daughter is abusive and only cares about herself, time to cut the strings and let the professionals take over.

So sorry you are in this dilemma, and doesn’t matter how young you are you have an enormous amount of responsibility resting on your shoulders, too much, and coupled with your health issues this is just not doable without you breaking apart.
First make a list of who can help with this situation, you say you have no friends but what about other relatives. You mention your MiL but what about the father of your children - can he help out by taking the kids at the weekend sometimes? The father of your daughters baby and his family, can they not take the baby every other weekend?
If social services are involved and drew up this plan were they aware that other caregivers could ease the burden or were they just happy you accepted the role? Am pretty sure the plan could accommodate other responsible care givers.
My worry is that you are in fact doing all this because you are scared your daughter will refuse you access to your grandson but if social services have you down as a caregiver I doubt she can do this without social services becoming involved.
Your fear could be drawing the boundaries of the box you have put yourself in.
Speak out to others who can and must help with this, say how utterly exhausted you are and go to your GP to get his help with this.
You really can’t carry on like this and I am sure you know it.

BigBopper

I am not saying that the mum (tiredhelper) is depressed I am saying that her daughter is the problem and she is making her mum (tiredhelper) ill by having her looking after her, her own two children and now her grandson.

Why do people have children when they cannot take care of them themselves then expect their parents to take over but still be abusive to them when they are trying to help.

This poor lady (tiredhelper) needs to hand her daughter over to Social Services and let them sort her out.

Not only is her daughter ill she is also abusive and she should be kept away from her son until she gets herself sorted out and leave her mum (tiredhelper) to get her life back without the problems of an abusive daughter. She (tiredhelper) will never, ever get any thanks for what she is doing for her daughter and it will only make her ill, then who will take care of her grandson and two young children.

This is the problem with many families, their adult children think they have the right to always fall back on their parents for money and help when things get tough instead of trying to sort their problems out themselves.

Sometimes it is about cutting ties until the adult children get their act together and seek the help they need.

This poster is only 39, so her daughter must be pretty young as well. I don't think is unusual that she probably needs help and falls back, as you say BigBopper, on her mum.. I really don't think that cutting ties is an answer to this problem..

I agree with previous posters that finding a nursery place during the week, or getting some of the fathers/ grandfathers involved in the care would relieve some of the pressure on this poor poster..

BigBopper ' has it occured to you that when children are conceived we don't know what is round the corner.
Too often sickness, (of all sorts) can change a person.
You sound rather harsh here without knowledge of the true situation.

Tiredhelper when you have always been strong it is hard to admit to anyone how hard life has become - and hard for those who depend on you to see they are taking your strength for granted.
Sometimes we just have to accept we can't do it all.You have reached this point now and must ask for help.

Baggs

I also wonder where the fathers of all these children are and what they are doing to help.

Yes, I was wondering too.

I am not saying that the mum (tiredhelper) is depressed I am saying that her daughter is the problem and she is making her mum (tiredhelper) ill by having her looking after her, her own two children and now her grandson.

Why do people have children when they cannot take care of them themselves then expect their parents to take over but still be abusive to them when they are trying to help.

This poor lady (tiredhelper) needs to hand her daughter over to Social Services and let them sort her out.

Not only is her daughter ill she is also abusive and she should be kept away from her son until she gets herself sorted out and leave her mum (tiredhelper) to get her life back without the problems of an abusive daughter. She (tiredhelper) will never, ever get any thanks for what she is doing for her daughter and it will only make her ill, then who will take care of her grandson and two young children.

This is the problem with many families, their adult children think they have the right to always fall back on their parents for money and help when things get tough instead of trying to sort their problems out themselves.

Sometimes it is about cutting ties until the adult children get their act together and seek the help they need.

I was trying to be kind but the situation is unfair and something needs to be done for the sake of TiredHelper, her children and her grandchild.

I know what it felt like to be a piece of elastic, pulled in all directions but I had a DH for support, although that too brought difficulties with his redundancy.

I hope you aren’t feeling worse after reading some comments here tiredhelper

What some of these people need is something to be really depressed about.

Clinical depression is different from feeling depressed.

If anyone has reason to be stressed/feel depressed it is TiredHelper who is just overwhelmed with everything that is being demanded 9f her.

There are some good suggestions on the thread and I hope a solution can be found so that you can start to enjoy your own children and also continue to see your grandson, TiredHelper.
I'm not surprised you feel exhausted.

Social services do need to know as you are included in their plans. Is your DD's GP involved too and perhaps MH services?

You do not deserve the abuse she gives you and she herself needs help to see that.

The O.P.sounds at the end of her tether; she is working full time,has chronic health problems, financial problems, two children to support, and been pressured into having her grandson for one whole day a week to give her abusive daughter, who does not work, a break. She is scared of tackling her about it in case she loses all access to the grandchild.
It is the daughter who has mental health problems, of which we know nothing, but it is grandmother who is left trying to cope. She really does need support; ideally SS should provide a cleaner at the very least so she can have some free time and to relieve the pressure, but the help won't be aimed at her.
It sounds as though the daughter cannot cope and I think the OP is terrified that the grandson will be taken into care.

Crossstitchfan

BigBopper

What I cannot understand is that I was born during the war as was my late husband, we had nothing, outside toilet, tin bath, no central heating, we collectedcoal from the road after the coal men had dropped their sacks so we could have a fire. We lived near a refuse tip and when the refuse bins had dropped off their waste we used to go with our dad to find old wood and things we could burn on the fire. My mum had a ringer machine, a posser to do her washing.

We did not have mental problems we just got oin with it,

I know you are going to say I am being very insensitive but it is about time that everything was not put down to mental health problems, If they had lost their husbands, sons or members of family in the war, they would know what mental problems were but we just got on with it.

Even murderers on the streets are now diagnosed with mental problems. It is ridiculous.

Oh my goodness! I think you are me! I have moaned for so long about everything being blamed on mental health that I am now becoming boring!
I feel so sad for people with real mental health problems, I really do, but when I hear some pathetic backbone-less person on tv saying ‘ ‘it’s affecting my mental health’ (several times a day) I could scream! Perhaps if these people had real devastating issues like some of us do, they would understand what mental health is all about!
Sorry! I have ranted, but it really does make me furious!

Thank goodness there are like minded people. I am sick to death of everyone saying they are depressed, some of them have no idea what some people have been through or are going through, they don't have time to be depressed, they are too busy caring for disabled children, children with cancer, like myself, caring 24/7 for my late husband for eight years before he died 10 years ago.

What some of these people need is something to be really depressed about.

Aldom

MissAdventure you are absolutely right. Pre and post war asylums were full of people suffering from mental illnesses.

Women were put into asylums by their families because they had had an illegitimate child.
They were then forgotten and spent their lives locked away from society.

Mental health issues aren't dependent on being deprived, or going without.

If I step out of my door safely, does that mean the person I know who broke her femur doing the same is putting it on, or should be more like me?

BigBopper

What I cannot understand is that I was born during the war as was my late husband, we had nothing, outside toilet, tin bath, no central heating, we collectedcoal from the road after the coal men had dropped their sacks so we could have a fire. We lived near a refuse tip and when the refuse bins had dropped off their waste we used to go with our dad to find old wood and things we could burn on the fire. My mum had a ringer machine, a posser to do her washing.

We did not have mental problems we just got oin with it,

I know you are going to say I am being very insensitive but it is about time that everything was not put down to mental health problems, If they had lost their husbands, sons or members of family in the war, they would know what mental problems were but we just got on with it.

Even murderers on the streets are now diagnosed with mental problems. It is ridiculous.

Oh my goodness! I think you are me! I have moaned for so long about everything being blamed on mental health that I am now becoming boring!
I feel so sad for people with real mental health problems, I really do, but when I hear some pathetic backbone-less person on tv saying ‘ ‘it’s affecting my mental health’ (several times a day) I could scream! Perhaps if these people had real devastating issues like some of us do, they would understand what mental health is all about!
Sorry! I have ranted, but it really does make me furious!

Are you in the UK ?

People with mental health problems can be helped to "grow a backbone".

With the right input, there should be no need for things to escalate to this extent.

They can be given coping skills and strategies.

We don't know ow if she does or doesn't have mental health services involved pascal30 - I suppose I rather assumed she did.

NotSpaghetti

Caleo the OP said
My daughter has mental health problems and can be very abusive. She has social services involved and I was brought into the plan to help her due to her mental health

This is the situation with her daughter.

I think it's interesting that she has social services involvement and not Mental Health services.. I really hope for the posters'
sake that she doesn't have EUPD..

People as a rule, were obsessively private about what went on at home, and the idea that nobody else needed to know. Even if there was nothing much going on!

We should not be lumping all problems together I think and it is both unkind and disrespectful of the challenges people face to say "grow a backbone".

My mum's friend, a gregarious, vibrant and joyful man before the war was a POW in Burma with all the depravation, deaths, starvation and abuses on the railway. PTSD was of course not recognised then and was belittled by many for his mental struggles.
We must not return to those days of "just get on with it".

It was just kept quiet - yes.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through so much. Also sorry but I do not have any answers for you other than to seek help from Social Care. You are exhausted and drained and it is no wonder. Sending you love, hugs and strength.

MissAdventure you are absolutely right. Pre and post war asylums were full of people suffering from mental illnesses.

People did have mental health problems though.

It was just kept quiet.