Why are people so spiteful?

nanna8

I’d either leave the group or invite Jenny to join - just oops, your name was accidentally left off!

I think only the administrator can invite someone to a WhatsApp group, not any member.

It seems very spiteful and underhand and I wouldn't want to join them knowing just one person has been left out for no reason.

However, I would be asking the whole group if they realised this had happened and if it was a mistake.

You could suggest to Jenny that you and she join another group if there is one locally.

An extra thought? Have Jenny said she does not want to be a part of the new group? I think when you have explored these avenues, you will get a better picture. Has Susan been spiteful before and is there some gut feeling you are getting from her that tells you she is the class b***h? There are often hidden stories that lie behind which one can only try to get a hint of. If Susan has really been so spiteful, then maybe you should suggest a second administrator to get a more balanced admin. Is Susan one of these queen bees? They can have a real sting.

I don't think telling Jenny will achieve anything except hurting her. If the others in the group are unaware of Susan's behaviour they may well rally round and Jenny need never know. It would be awful if Jenny lost her social life because of one spiteful person, and felt that all of her 'friends' disliked her, when that is probably not the case.

I would have asked Susan why she had excluded Jenny, and remarked on the help Jenny has given her.

I'd start up or join a different group with Jenny and leave the others to be with the spiteful Susan.

Leave the group, and tell Jenny why you’re going!

I too would not want to be part of such a group and hope I would have the courage to say exactly why, even at the expense of losing a “friend” I’d be better off without.
Playground behaviour, isn’t it?

I would leave the group and tell Jenny what they have done as she does not need to be with people they clearly don't like her. She will be very hurt but you will be acting as a good friend should. Also why would you want to be with people like that . That Susan is a piece of work .Can't really put what I think of people like that as it will be deleted.

I am a member of a craft group. I joined the week I moved here and was welcomed with open arms . We have our what's app group and talking to each other everyday. Each of us would walk on hot coals for anyone. We have people who can come every week but others only occasionally because of work and other commitments but with the what's app group we are all in touch with them. They are true friends and we help eachother. We are an odd bunch and in another life would never have meet but my life would be the poorer for never joining them . There is no difference between who is well off and those that aren't. But we love being together .

I moved over 100 miles to the north west and have never meet such warm open hearted people as I have meet here . We are loud ,naughty sense of humour and have all the tee shirts between us. People come but don't always stay as we are not for everyone. We are a mixed medium group I cross stitch others knit,crochet ,colour in books ,etc. Few weeks I wasn't well had a choice feel ill and annoyed at my own body or go and be with my friends so I went and just talked and eat biscuits. Felt so much better afterwards. If you lived in the north west you and Jenny would be welcomed with open arms.

I think I would post on the new group (so Jenny can't see it) and say very clearly that you won't be using the other one, as it is so unkind to Jenny and you can't understand why this has happened. Then continue to use the old one.

It is very possibly the case that a number of people haven't noticed that Jenny has been excluded - in a large group few people would check all the members. When they realise what's happened, Susan could end up with egg on her face, and it would serve her right.

When asked, did she say why she did not want the other lady? Sometimes, there are falling outs we do not know about. I know a lady who comes across as really sweet to a group but was on the receiving end of her rather spiteful actions which made me stop and hold my breath as it was so underhand and nasty, I could not believe what I had experienced. Is Jenny all she appears to be? I'd dig a bit deeper before leaving the group or keep an ear out for what others may say.

WHY ARE PEOPLE SO SPITEFUL
An interesting but rather depressing subject. There are people who just enjoy causing other people to feel miserable and left out. Perhaps it’s a power thing.
I now live in a very nice flat in a block that is for over-55s, though we are mainly over 70s. Men and women but mainly women. Its not warden controlled but has a lift and great security and is very quiet. Perfect you would think. Except for the dynamic among the residents. One formed a ‘gang’ of her favourites and the bitching and backbiting and malicious gossiping here is unbelievable. In fact worse than any experience I had in the school playground or at any time since (which includes school staff rooms!) .
From time to time the ‘gang’ have made my life hell. Who would have thought? Finding somewhere else and coping with another house move isn’t really possible for me.
It only takes one person to spoil things for everyone and not easy to stand up to them.

My daughter lived next door to a lady who was very involved with the church, and she cried when she heard some of the things the neighbour and her friend had to say about other members.

She will find out that she is excluded and and will probably really upset her. Excluding someone says more about the character of the person doing the excluding than it does about the person they are excluding. Stick with Jenny and try and do things with Jenny and other members of the group.

I also don't understand why some people are so spiteful .
There was one in every class and one in the workplace .
I call them Iagos .
I've encountered them at my church and find it really upsetting.
We are supposed to be Christians .
But I have to remember that they are of a certain age and probably have compromised mental and physical health .
I volunteered to help with flower arranging and I now dread it .
The lady in charge can't cope .
She doesn't order enough flowers, she criticises my arrangements and has even removed one , she doesn't strip off greenery and she forgets to put water in the vases .
I'm left with all the clearing up .
And there's one in the cafe group that sometimes meets after church .
This lady calls me "that foreign woman "
(I'm English )and refuses to sit at the same table.
Last Sunday , I got a table for her group and the Vicar and was happy to sit nearby .
She made an embarrassing spectacle of trying to get another table.
The staff were shocked.
The crowded cafe fell almost silent as she continued .
Finally ,she was told that there wasn't another place .
I sat with someone I know and wasn't that bothered ,but regretted going .
I have an increasing circle of friends at church and I'll continue to go, but I'm disappointed .

M0nica

Becasue that is how some people are. nature? nurture? life experience? No idea. They just are.

Because it goes unchallenged. Some ego decides to rule the roost and others follow.
I'd call it out publicly on the group, asking if members are aware one has been left out and how would they feel if it was them. They'll probably delete you or start yet another group but one or two may stand with you.

It’s jealous behaviour that has not left the playground a kind of personality clash. I would find great delight in inviting Jenny then saying publicly to Susan “oh you must have forgotten to invite Jenny so I did”
You could relish the facial expression from Susan. I wouldn’t let such childish behaviour be a reason to leave the group I would stay just to annoy it is the season for mischief.

I think that the only option for you is to talk to Susan. To ask her why she has done this. To say it does not sit right with you.

I belong to a group of women who raise funds and organise social activities in the village. We have a Whatsapp group and it is immensely supportive, especially for those like me who live alone.

Now and again one person might bend my ear about another and I have perfected the art of non-committal grunts. I never engage with any minor fallings-out.

But this is so blatant that I do not think you can ignore it, although I do understand your reluctance to risk your membership of a group that is an important part of your social life.

As an aside I find a lot of " talk" about people being dropped for being toxic, or negative or draining. Ghosted.

Its horrible, so unkind.

Who the heck is Janet? Ha! I meant Jenny of course!

If you are brave enough (it takes guts sometime) then I would ask the perpetrator (in front of all the others) why the other person has been left out and make sure that everyone know about it and see what the reason is. Although they must already have noticed that one name is missing.

That is truly selfish, horrible obviously someone with no conscience what so ever. it is sad that no others (that you know of) have stood up and challenged it. But I do know it goes on .

As M0nica has posted because that is how some people are.

I wouldn't get involved in any of the new group's activities or take part on the messaging page, apart from messaging on there that I wont be because I don't approve of Jenny being left out.

You may find that you're not the only one who disapproves.

WhatsApp makes this sort of behaviour common. In the past it was easy to mingle with different groups even if they excluded others. A bit like a Venn diagram of friendship groups. Now if you’re not on the list, you’re out!
It happens in the village I live in and is difficult to navigate if you’re friends with people in other groups. I’d try to float along with the people whose company I enjoy regardless of what the group is. I’d definitely invite Jenny to an activity with some of the more pleasant others. Also, I’d be unavailable for some of the arranged outings.

Well, I understand you not wanting to withdraw from a major part of your social life, and I understand very well how making things helps mental health.
So, my suggestion would be to make a time to visit Susan for an insight into her actions. This will take courage, but if your default is to leave the group anyway you have little to lose. I would ask Susan what her reasons are. You don't even at that point, have to confront her, you can say something like 'I see', You can ask if Susan knows what others in the group think - again you don't have to enter into a discussion., simply listen to what she says. My apologies if you have done that, but your post only indicated that Susan didn't want Jenny, not her reasons.
Then, if you want, you can give it a few days' thought (you can always ask to be taken off rotas, saying you are not sure what you are doing).
If you do need to withdraw from the group, I hope you can find another. There are several within easy driving distance of me (though not by public transport!). Maybe you & Jenny set up an alternative?
My sympathies in dealing with this, it gives one a horrible feeling.

I’d stay if a FEW of the original group were not in the new group, but leaving just ONE out? No way José! That’s incredibly mean. What is Susan thinking? It WILL get out - it always does - and then the hurt will be laid bare for all to see.

Your dilemma is compounded because the group forms a large part of your social life right now. I feel for you ASIT as it’s ’this or nothing’ it seems.

Is the old WA group going to run parallel? No mention of outings perhaps but still deciding/chatting on projects? How would Janet get to know about them otherwise?

I’d stand with Janet. “I am Spartacus” comes to mind! I’d tell Susan “on reflection I don’t want to join the new group, I’ll just stick to the messaging via the old group if that’s okay, it’s worked well for so long”.

Some people seem to enjoy having an entourage to bouy them up, I think.

It's much the same with groups of monkeys, and can mean the difference between life or death for them.

How horrible.
Poor Jenny!
If I were you I would consider leaving as others have said but would firstly ask Susan why Jenny isn’t included, I know you have already broached this but perhaps putting her on the spot face to face will at least make her feel uncomfortable about it.
Am just wondering if others in the group feel as you do. Is this Susan a bit of a ringleader?
In any case you don’t need the drama, and despite having got a lot from this group perhaps now is the time to bid farewell, before they could do the same to you. Who knows?