Self centered mean daughter in law

pascal30

Has your DIL forgotten that you are doing her a favour by looking after her children? I think you need to sit down with your son and DIL and set some boundaries for future care.. I certainly wouldn't accept emotional abuse like this, and I would expect some flexibility if I needed to change my plans to help my sister..

I never think yelling is the right answer so I’m not defendifng dil. But it doesn’t
Sound like it’s a favor for dil it sounds like op
Wants a set day to visit and as such it’s a favor to op.

It all sounds very chaotic Drink playing a part makes it more out of control You say your daughter in law is very organised and has the children and their activities well sorted so I can see how you ( sounding fairly disorganised) getting calls to do other things on your grandkids day would go against the grain
( an emergency is different… this wasn’t)
As we only hear one side of the story I m sure we d hear a very different side if the daughter in law was talking to us.

To be honest there doesn’t sound anything nasty in her texts she says they ve asked you before to not take them with you to doctors visits ( which let’s face it are rarely 15 mins )they would be bored and fidgety she’s not calling you names or being rude just putting her point across and if you only have them Thursdays keep Thursdays free ( bar an emergency)

Making a mountain out of a molehill in my opinion you just sound opposite people you say she is very organised you sound a much freer spirit I d go with her expectations on one day or is it half a day a week Easier life for all

I really hope that the OP finds some kind of resolution over this .
She isn't being respected as she should be .
I wonder if I would have been treated in the same way .
Let them pay for child care .

@Esmay, sadly this doesn't sound uncommon, but is heartbreaking I know. As you say it is best to just get on with life and draw on the love and friendship of those around you, life is too short.
xx

Op doesn't need to ask her son about his wife or discuss her with him.

He should be the one who is organising that relationship, his mom having his daughter seeing as the relationship between his wife and mom is resulting in her crying.

I was thrilled when my son met someone else after splitting up with his long term girlfriend .
A couple of years on , I had a few doubts and so did his siblings and friends .
They rowed every day and how they rowed .
I could hear the shouting and screaming on a daily basis and I thought that their days together were numbered .
I wasn't sure what was wrong .
I got the impression that she was super clingy and demanding .
I got on quite well with her .
They lived with me and I noticed that she expected to be waited on hand and foot .
I hardly saw them after they moved out .
One day they visited to announce a forth coming planned baby and I was shocked as she seemed to dislike children .
I think that the baby was his idea .
He wanted me to look after their baby .
I couldn't .
I had full time care of my very sick housebound father and they lived too far away .
This angered my son . A decade on and I'm still not forgiven .
I don't think that I shall be .
We used to have such a wonderful relationship - so I'm devastated .
I guess that this girl has replaced me in my son's affections .
I'm really sorry that it's happened to you .
I don't have any magic solutions .
Just concentrate on your own life and do things which make you happy - that's what I do .

I agree crazy. She has no respect for the OP's son referring to him as her 'bitch' and we've been told that she bullies him. We've also been told that she doesn't treat the OP any differently to members of her own family.

It looks as if there are a lot of people enabling this mean and self centred behaviour, not just the OP and her son.

Yes she does talk to her mom that way. They have always Two tools put up with it
I don’t actually understand this but it seems to express your (low) opinion of them both.
You say you skipped a week but never cancelled
I don’t get the difference, it sounds pretty flaky to me
If you take on a childcare commitment it has to be pretty serious or an emergency to cancel (or “skip”) and taking somebody to an appointment 5 minutes away doesn’t sound like an emergency to me.
But it takes all sorts.

I must be the only one who does not suggest going through your son. You should have a ‘chat’ with her, and ask her why she feels the way she does about you. My friend had a talk with her son about his wife and it almost ended in divorce.

HomeAgain123

I think I can see mums point of view , you’ve agreed to look after children but then add a drs visit in … regardless if it’s a sick one or not . Maybe the day you have them then don’t book any appointments in and say no to whoever asks you as you are already busy . Regardless of how long it takes . Only a suggestion

Why should she, things happen unexpectedly. The dil should be mature enough to understand that. This also a good life lesson for yhe children as well.
The DIL wants people at her beck and call she has a vile personality as well referring to her husband as "My Bitch"

The DIL

I think I can see mums point of view , you’ve agreed to look after children but then add a drs visit in … regardless if it’s a sick one or not . Maybe the day you have them then don’t book any appointments in and say no to whoever asks you as you are already busy . Regardless of how long it takes . Only a suggestion

She absolutely shouldn't of shouted at you to the point you were crying.

If you asked to have your GD on Thursday and she missed Gymnastics because of it, then spent it in a car driving around that doesn't sound much fun for a child.
She might not work but may have plans on certain days with deliveries, friends, groups etc and cancelling plans a fair bit can be annoying.

I'm another vote for going through your son of your relationship with your DIL is tricky.

I think that all right thinking mums and dads should just be grateful their children are (a) not lost and safe and alive..no trips to A&E, (b) fed and (c) entertained and just generally tolerated when they come to collect them.

That would have done for me.

I agree with those who say it is the relationship with your son you need to work on. Blot her out as much as possible, although if your son is working and she isn't I can see this may be an issue.
She sounds very much like my son's ex. There is no communicating with her as all her life people have done her bidding until I came along. I minimise any contact with her for my own sanity as it is a constant battle over the grandchild.
There are innocent children caught up in this too.
I think you need to begin to see there is no negotiating with her- so do her bidding but be there for your son and his kids.
That's the only role you have here.

Nana5almost6

She is a GREAT MOM!!! Keeps kids super busy. She is very organized everything is planned out to a T on her calendar. I wish I could copy and paste her text here. Can I??

She does pretty well, then if ( in your words)
she gets buzzed daily on wine

Sorry, she sounds like a challenging personality.

To mitigate in future, it might be best to exchange any conversations that you think will get heated over text messages.

The message you shared that she sent to you - her response sounds very literal. You asked her a question and she is answering honestly and without any diplomacy. She is enforcing a boundary and is sharing a consequence if it’s crossed again. In her world, a doctor’s environment is a big no for the children. I wouldn’t try to understand why. This (my) generation is very much into having boundaries and vocalising them. Whilst you might not understand the reasons behind it, best not to share your views on parenting rules. Especially with a confrontational personality.

You can’t change someone but you can find ways and learn how to respond to make this work. Protecting your own peace is important too.

As a mother to two young children - I would be so thankful if a grandparent offered to care for my young ones for a few hours each week. From someone who has no support, looking into the actions of someone who has support - there seems to be desensitisation to what she has. I’m sorry she doesn’t appreciate you 🤍

You all sound very involved without boundaries, out addiction into the mix and its all bound to explode.. If I
had my gc on a scheduled day it would be for them unless it was an emergency, if an emergency came up she should understand that she as the mother has to make other arrangements, if she can’t do that it may be best if you don't do it. Dont be shouted at, end the meeting.

She sounds vile. She’ll be lucky if your son stays with her. She has problems which she needs to deal with. It doesn’t sound as if YOU are the problem but rather that she takes things out on you BECAUSE YOU LET HER. Bullies need to be stood up to. If you want her respect do not be a doormat or a people pleaser.

So sorry this is happening to you Nana5almost6. Your DiL could very well be run off her feet and at the end of her tether but that is no excuse for her atttitude towards you. It is rude and upsetting. Tbh if she starts screaming just walk away, don't take it. And would stay away for now. Don't just offer help, make sure you take time for yourself, think of your own wellbeing, keep busy with other things and let her see that you also have a life. As for your son, where is he in all of this? Trying to keep a low profile I imagine and avoid any conflict. Not good enough. Have a word with him, let him know how upset you have been over all of this, he needs to step up.

I think the title of your thread says it all!

I can see your dil's pov - if she does not like her kids being dragged around running errands instead of playing with grandma....
What rubbish Highthere, the dil is rude and disrespectful, she was shouting over her mil, made her cry,accused her of being a victim. She is a bully.

This lady had a call from her sister to drop her off to the hospital five minutes away, so what if the kids have to go with her, they can all just sit in the car and wait until she comes out. Her and the children need to know things come up unexpectedly and life does not revolve around them.

As for the entitlement and shouting over me, I would not be crying but she may be because I would not put up with it. This lady needs some ground rules in place and the dil needs to be told that other people may put up with her shit but this Grandmother won't. I am so sick of the things some Grandparents put up with just to see the children

Adding alcoholism to this is another layer of complications that this board is not qualified to deal with

Ignoring the role your son plays here and making his wife the bad guy makes everything worse

Solution- make your son your liason and stop communicating with her.
Coordinate everything with him.
He is your son. You raised him.

You mentioned that your son has stopped drinking yet your DIL "gets buzzed" in his presence. It seems that alcohol may be the crux of her problems (because she clearly does have problems). The big difficulty is that there's very little you can do about it - the impetus to change has to come from inside her own mind. Anyone else's suggestions, no matter how well-meant, will be received badly until she can accept the problem as hers alone. I think all you can do is be patient, be kind to them all, don't over-visit them and, crucially, hold your tongue. Frustrating, of course, but you have this forum to vent to. There are a lot of kind and thoughtful people here, wishing it could be better for you - please take comfort from that.

OP, SAHM is short for ”stay at home Mum (or mom)”.

Thanks willow3your right. I need to nip this now b4 it gets bigger and take them on a schedule and clear myself for time with them.