Self centered mean daughter in law

nofrowns67

That was to Madgran’s comment

Thankyou! 😏

That was to Madgran’s comment

Perfectly stated.

Ziggy62

I think the title of your thread says it all!

Yes it’s very accurate.

mercuryqueen that's completely irrelevant. The gran was asking for a favour, one, and this woman ,the mother no less, couldn't bring herself to help. It's disgusting and she sounds dreadful. I'm glad she's not my dil

Gran32

MercuryQueen to my knowledge this mother doesn't work so why can't she take her own child to gymnastics on this one occasion? She sounds awful

The mom didn’t ask for help. OP wanted to spend time with her gc. Mom was doing OP a favour, not the other way around

Gran32

rafichagran spot on! I can't believe some of these comments on here. Entitled or what! She doesn't deserve any help. I would leave her to it unless she's a danger to her children?

But the point is the DIL didn't ask for help!! She agreed to her child not doing gymnastics in order to spend time with Grandma, at Grandma's request. Son and DIL also asked Grandma to not take the child to hospital/Dr appointments; Grandma did regardless.

Added into the mix is very poor communication; very different views on styles of comunication; not listening to each other; alcohol issues; very different personalities; tempers being lost and a lot of emotion!

As far as I can see the options for the way forward are:

* Grandma carries on with Thursday care and promises to not cancel unless an absolutely unexpected emergency arises. And promises to follow whatever stipulation has been made by parents without exception
or
* Grandma stops the regular visits because she cannot do the above
and/or
* Grandma tells DIL she will not tolerate being shouted at even when she has done something that has annoyed them.
and/or
*Grandma suggests a calm conversation to sort out a way forward that works for them all (and walks out if shouted at)

I don't think DILs messages were rude; they were very direct and straight talking.

I do think DILs behaviour towards Grandma was rude and bullying clearly done in anger. I suspect that what with alcohol and possibly an upbringing where such behaviour is the norm might be in the mix but who knows!

OP - only you can decide what is best for you. But I suggest not just leaving it ..you need to take some control of finding a way forward that works for you, your Son/DIL and your grandchild! 💐

In one post you say your son stopped drinking and she gets buzzed on wine daily. Later you say she’s a good mom.

rafichagran spot on! I can't believe some of these comments on here. Entitled or what! She doesn't deserve any help. I would leave her to it unless she's a danger to her children?

MercuryQueen to my knowledge this mother doesn't work so why can't she take her own child to gymnastics on this one occasion? She sounds awful

Sorry if I missed it, but how old are the gc? Do the normally use car seats or boosters? Because I can see that definitely being an issue, as many kids are in some sort of safety seat until they’re seven (depending on height and weight).

She shouldn’t have raised her voice to you. You shouldn’t have agreed to drive your sister when you’d already made a commitment, imo. If the dr is only 15 minutes away, I’m guessing a cab or Uber would be an option.

As a parent, I’d be upset that my kid missed their gymnastics to sit in a car or dr’s office. That’s not what was agreed to, and to me, doesn’t have the same value as spending the afternoon at grandma’s. I’ve never known a dr to be on time for appointments, and specialist’s even worse, ime.

I also find her being drunk every night to be at extreme odds with her being an excellent mother, organized, etc.

I felt the same as dilly tbh. I would not commit to specific days and times and then have to cancel. I think she is being too over protective regarding them not being able to go to hospital appointments with you but they are her children so she has the last say on that really

HeavenLeigh totally agree

Hithere are you a young mom or grandmother?? You understand her POV? WOW!! This lady is being generous with her time and is under absolutely no obligation to look after her grandchildren!! This disrespectful woman doesn't work, absolutely disgusting! I wouldn't do another thing for her until she started showing some respect. And if that means not seeing the GK for a while, sobeit!

Sorry but your dil sounds crazy! And your son seems to back her against you. She calls him her bitch! Sounds as if she has issues. There’s no way she would make me cry! I think they need to sort themselves out, you have been helping them and getting no respect. I would not be doing anything to help to be honest.if they can’t be decent to you then I’d leave them to it.

Grams2five

pascal30

Has your DIL forgotten that you are doing her a favour by looking after her children? I think you need to sit down with your son and DIL and set some boundaries for future care.. I certainly wouldn't accept emotional abuse like this, and I would expect some flexibility if I needed to change my plans to help my sister..

I never think yelling is the right answer so I’m not defendifng dil. But it doesn’t
Sound like it’s a favor for dil it sounds like op
Wants a set day to visit and as such it’s a favor to op.

yes it seems you are correct Grams

I think DIL was right. The text message isn't even rude so I don't know what everyone is up in arms about. Sounds like she doesn't want her kids in Dr offices. She was counting on the childcare you committed to and then you decided to do the thing she doesn't want you to do. So she doesn't want you to have the kids when you do it.

Honestly it seems simple to me. I would bet she knows what you think about her. I wonder if being right is worth destroying family relationships.

I'd leave her and her bitch to it.

I totally understand. I spent years suffering this kind of abuse from my DIL forever turning a blind eye, forever doing things to make her feel safe and appreciated.
I remember once after she had suffered a miscarriage, just before her wedding I sent her a box of chocolates and card ...and she rang me up and asked me why I did that.
I've found out since that she has a genetic disease (MD1) which all my grandchildren (her children) have sadly also inherited. It can affect social intelligence etc as well as muscles so I now see a lot of it was perhaps caused by that. But her possessiveness and paranoia and personal attacks...its so hard to take.
Her children are very sweet and she is a very devoted mother. She's been my DIL for 14 years now...it hasn't got better or worse...and I mercifully have stopped feeling so raw and upset by it.
I remember once after arranging over three days to drive over to see them one Sunday afternoon, involving motorway, full of lorries and ever changing lanes so very long stressful drive for me, but I felt I had to make the effort. And when I arrived on time they weren't in. I remember bursting out crying on their doorstep (which shocked me) I rang them and they came back about half an hour later. She said in future I should have rung on the journey as she does me (she doesn't drive, she's a passenger...I was alone and I didn't have in car phone connection I was concentrating on getting there on time.)
She is an only child, adores her father, and is a bit scathing of her mother. I tried to make friends with her mother but her father got back to me and suggested all messages went through him as he said her eyesight was bad. I just don't go there now.
I wish my son could visit without her but that wont happen although she always turns up at mine looking fed up and furious. She's convinced my son has a very close relationship with me which is actually no longer true in the way she fears now he is a grown up. He's doing his best. I've never said anything negative about her to him. She's never allowed me any time with my, only, grandchildren alone. (that upsets me to write it)
Its a most unexpected nightmare. I've always been a woman's woman and the last thing I expected. I always hoped I'd gain a daughter.
So I have full sympathy. and give you a big hug. Ive noticed on mumsnet you see a lot of MIL-hate and advice for NC (no contact). Its very sad.

I don't think whether or not the OP's d.i.l. is doing her a favour or not is irreleant.

Her behaviour toward her m.i.l. is unacceptable.

Esmay . I honestly think we'd have been treated like the OP if we hadn't been estranged when we were. Losing our son and only GC has been truly awful, but I'm glad we're out of it.

I don't think those texts sound nasty, maybe frustrated? If the parents have asked you to spend the time with your grandchild as quality time, that sounds like a positive thing they are asking from you? If you had them often then obviously you must run errands but for one morning a week I think that sounds ok

It sounds like the SAHM dil doesn’t actually need childcare and is instead doing op a favour by giving her time with her GC.

The dil has a schedule of activities like gymnastics and is getting frustrated when her mil postpone/cancels/takes child out on errands when they could have been doing some thing fun/educational.

Your present dilemma sounds like a clash of personalities, your dil organised and yourself disorganised. If you can’t guarantee in the main that you will see GC when you have arranged it, I’d perhaps can the organised one on ones, and swop them for visits with when your son is there.

The messages from her aren’t rude just straight up. The other issues you mention aren’t your business so I’d stay out of that. If you feel she is being rude to you or your son, just say I need to get home now/off the phone or whatever and remove yourself from the situation.

I will say your messages sound very scattered and emotional and dils very straight up, so I think you will need to work on your communication (remembering we can only change our own behaviour) to be more calm, try not react emotionally and see if that removes some of the tension in your relationship.

I’d also communicate with your son rather than your dil and dilute your communication with her where possible.

Hope things improve soon, I had a tricky relationship with my dil at first so I do empathise 💐

Good one Doodledog I very much agree with you. It’s best to live, love and let live. ❤️

AGAA4

You need to be firm with your DiL. You still want to see your GCs so tell her you will carry on but if something crops up she will have to make other arrangements. If she's a stay at home mum this shouldn't be difficult.
I would also tell her that you won't accept abuse from her and if she starts shouting you will leave/put the phone down or not answer the text.
You are helping her out fgs so don't let her make the rules.

It doesn’t sound like she is helping her out. Quite the opposite. It seems the original poster wants a set day to “get “
Her grandchild not that dil wants childcare. She’s allowed the day for mil and mil tends to flake out or fill te day with things like errands. This frustrates and annoys dil - whom op says is a wonderful mother and very organized and scheduled.

Of course yelling and screaming and all is always uncalled for , but the delivery aside I can understand how dil must feel exasperated. She’s given her mil a day to have her grandchild each week and mil in turn does it only when one feels like it and sometimes takes grandchild only for the poor kid to travel along for errands

I agree with Bluebelle. It sounds like entirely opposite personalities. Very organized schedule etc to your more take it as it comes much more relaxed attitude. Bound to but heads. I fry to to keep Thursday free or accept that visits are either spur of the moment (-‘and they May be busy)