How do you cope when your children move away?

He works from home.

And yes i do appreciate that my sons are in the UK, you are absolutely right silverlining48

It's not surprising that it felt awkward though.. I would never visit my son's workplace unless I was specifically invited..

Ssd you are so lucky your sons are in this country, not too far if you made a lunch time trip. There are many of us on here whose children don’t even live in the same country. I am one such.
My daughter has been in Europe for 20 years and won’t be coming back. We see her maybe twice a year for a day or
two. It makes me sad I can’t just get in the car to visit, but have to book flights, and hope we stay well to be able to go. Then I think of those whose children live much further away, and count my blessings.

This is now your time, as I said at the start try to plan a few treats for you, maybe the cinema, lunch with a friend, weekend break, U3 A if retired. If your son knows just how much you miss him he will be full of guilt for causing you pain. Let him fly.

You are right. I felt like I'd jumped the gun a bit. I was just missing him so much.

Drive safely and don’t worry. Maybe a rushed lunch time visit wasn’t ideal.. Give him time and space to settle in.
I don’t know if he’s studying or working away but if you aren’t too far away invite him for a weekend in a few weeks time.
Or better still wait for him to suggest meeting.

Im now about to drive home.

I feel so anxious.

I went to see him today for a very short visit. I feel more discombobulated than ever. It was his lunch time and there's things i forgot to ask him. For some reason it felt a bit awkward. We've never been awkward. Maybe its all the changes going on.
I just want to take him home and have things be the way they were but i feel ive lost that.
I feel all adrift. And homesick for a time i can't get back.

Thanks again everyone. All of these messages are so heartwarming.

Its so hard to let them go. I almost feel like I'm in a bad dream and when I'm distracted its fine, then the reality comes back and hits me and i just feel dread in my stomach. And such sadness.

But this thread has helped, so thank you.

My thought was , I have done the best I can for them and now it is up to them. And I can do some things I had no time for before.
Now 30 years on, both my children have turned out ok, and are responsible people with their own children (and one grandchild).

Sssd, my heart breaks for you. If you are heartbroken, I can see why. You don't need to "be positive" and "stop crying". The way you are feeling is your own and you can't be told to feel differently. This indeed is a journey and your childhood memories are aggravating you now. I agree that you should contact a professional to have regular scheduled talks about your coping and well-being. They might know of new things you could try and also wash away the guilt or shame or whatever it is that you have carried and buried until your retired age. You are a beautiful kind soul. Is there something you could do volunteering to share that love, practicality and wisdom with someone else in need? You have a lot to give. Your children must get on with their lives. It doesn't mean they are abandoning you or that they have forgotten you. They are just growing up and where they were living was not in their best interests. You will never not be their dear mother. I'm glad your DH is fine but it sounds like you could benefit from getting out there in social settings so you can find this new person that you are about to become. Best wishes to you and lots of hugs.

You are a sensible woman , you will get there ! Good luck . 💐

It's hard but you have to let them go and know they have to tread their own paths through life.

Many years ago before my daughter left for university I used to sit and cry in the garden. My neighbour later told me that she would hear me crying. My children were my world. So all I can say is that I understand how you feel and am sending you a virtual hug….

Thank you everyone for these messages, so much to think about. I need to try to be more positive.

My daughter left Ireland to go to university in England 16 years ago, a year after my first husband died.
A year later my son, his wife and my 2 grandchildren returned to England.
Last week I went to visit my daughter.
She is now 34, such a confident, outgoing young woman with a good job, happily married with a wonderful lifestyle. It was great having her to drive me about visiting friends and an elderly aunt.
I only see my children 2 or maybe 3 times a years but it's wonderful to see how happy and successful they are.
In time it will get easier and with modern technology it's so much easier to keep in touch
Thinking of you xx

My son emigrated to the US 15 years ago. That was tough, and I still get upset when he goes home after a visit.

But, he’s having a lovely life, so we keep in touch other ways. 🙂

We live in the South of England but our son left home to go to university in the North. He then joined the submarine Corp sailing out of Faslane. Later married a Glasgow girl and now has twin sons.
We are sad that he left home so early but know he is happy. Thank goodness for facetime. At least boys know who we are when we do see them and we get nice holidays in Scotland and every other Christmas.
We do have a daughter with 2 children living near us so we are not alone.

It's a new chapter Sssd. Is your marriage a good one? If so, start to built a new and different life with your husband otherwise he will soon lose sympathy with the situation. My adult son is disabled and when I die he will probably end up in a residential facility. My only friend and support (my darling husband) dropped dead suddenly 8 years ago in his 50's and I have no family to speak of. I know this is my life and doesn't relate to yours, but I'm trying to encourage you to put things in perspective.

Sssd, well done for letting your children go without fuss, you undid the apron strings and it is natural for young adults to leave and make their own way

It is time to concentrate on yourself and dh, do things together and also concentrate on some engrossing hobbies for yourself, you need these to occupy your mind. Believe me your children will thank you for releasing them with good heart and they will always stay in touch by choice rather than by mental pressure

Change is horrible, it happens to all of us and either we adapt or we sink. Now on my own through widowhood, that is the ultimate and hardest change, I adapted, I don`t like it but I cheerfully live my life and my AC live their lives. We are all close but don`t live close

All my 4 boys have left home, moved across the UK and I'm so very proud of them all. I feel sorry for some children who never spread their wings. My lot come back regularly to visit & it's joyous. They have so much to talk about & we joke & laugh & then ---Whoosh!.... they all return.
It's a good thing to have bold, independent, slightly bonkers children. 😻

Sssd -I don’t want to rub salt in your wound but I feel so sorry for you. I’m thinking of my poor Mum. All her 9 children left for foreign climes. My heart is breaking, thinking of that selfless mother of mine - she wanted us to do what’s best for us. My only consolation is that we left hoping to return after further qualifications. That thought probably consoled her and gave her hope. But we never did, other than vining her and bringing her over for holidays.

Your feeling of abandonment is down to your childhood memories of being left with your parents whilst your siblings became estranged. I am no stranger to estrangement and know how it can mess with your head for a very long time. You say your siblings are still estranged from you 40 years later but presumably still alive. Would you consider reconnecting, I know it is late in the day and these things get harder as time goes by, but is it possible? I am estranged from a sibling as well as my eldest daughter and for me it isn't possible, maybe it isn't for you either but am wondering if this is something you need to do in order to move forwards with your life and leave that sense of abandonment behind.
Your sons sound as if they are happily getting on with their lives and that is a credit to yourself and DH, this is what you want, for them to be rounded independent human beings. But is okay to miss them and cry over your youngest's departure, as others have said try to get on with your life and keep in touch with your sons in whichever way they find most convenient.
All the best.
xx

I am so sorry, sssd that you are bereft at the moment. It is tough and I'm glad you have work and friends.

You say your DH is okay, which is a huge benefit. Your primary relationship is with him, so try to think of this stage as an opportunity to make it wonderful (again?). Organise some fun together, tell your AC all about it. They'll keep in touch if they know you're okay and they don't have to feel sad and guilty about you.

I could in fact I might have written a post very much like yours ten years ago when our son and daughter left home. I know exactly how you feel as if you died inside with heartbreak. I was only saying to a good neighbour yesterday I love where we live and our house but it’s an empty nest to me still.

We see our son and daughter their partners and our lovely grandchildren as often as we can around their busy lives. I helped a great deal staying over etc when their children were babies then toddlers. Still do as much as it is practical that’s what I want to do help out. We support them in any way we can and we know they are grateful.

It took me a long time to get rid of the knot in my stomach a knot of loss because I missed them. I knew they were going to start their new stage of life with their partners I was happy for them. I felt I was being selfish but I wasn’t it was just so hard to let go. My dh has been my rock always cheered me up when the tears started. My very good friends have been very supportive some of us are more emotional than others.

You will watch your family change and grow see how they cope and support them in any way you can. You are their mum that’s what you do and will continue to do so. One day you will feel a release inside a weight lifting it will be slow. You will still have days of tears feeling that you lost your very purpose but you have not and will not. 💐

Dear Sssd,
I really feel for you. I was the much younger child and my brother and sister married and left home then my father died when I was 17.
I think my DC leaving reopened some old wounds.
Perhaps find a councillor to talk to?
And look after yourself. Find some things that bring you pleasure.
And go out for a walk each day.
And plan a visit to see them once every few months. Make it a fun jaunt with some sightseeing perhaps.
All the best.
Something that helps me is to say to myself" this is normal" and to be expected. You are a loving caring person and you have to let them go.