How do you cope when your children move away?

I know posters might say dont let history repeat itself then, stay close to your kids. And I'll try. But i could accept ds1 being so far away and not really knowing what goes on in his life. Hes not a chatter and isnt one to phone up or send chatty WhatsApp messages. I tried a family WhatsApp but it just didn't work. Dh and the dss are football mad and it became all about that.

You will feel it hard for a little bit but you just have to bite the bullet I m afraid, keep yourself as busy as possible, if your marriage is good do as much as you can with your husband, if you’re still at work put your all into it.
Think of all the positives of your son’s exciting new life every time you get sad. Hopefully he ll keep regular contact with you
I m an only child of an only child so a very small family All three of my children moved overseas, one cane back as her partner died but the other two plus grandkids are still all overseas (one in NZ with little chance of seeing much of him)
Allow yourself ‘private’ crying I find the shower a great place for a good cry and once you are feeling a little better and you will if you allow yourself to, then throw yourself into anything you can, and talk to your husband. It is a bereavement of sorts but he’s alive and happy and you must be too, or else it will be a huge burden on his shoulders
Also keep a time of the week to chat to your son I think once a week is fine, not too intrusive in his life but something for you to look forward to
It will never go away but it will become much more manageable
How did you manage the first son going away ?

Just seen your second post Although it wonderful if we have a chatty child it often isn’t so and we can’t know all that goes on in their lives and neither should we.
Don’t dwell on him being away, celebrate you have brought up two children who have the confidence to branch out on their own and have good jobs /careers. Life never or rarely turns out how we dream…. I imagined growing old with all my grandkids popping in and out, me making soup and cakes for them 🤣🤣🤣how wrong was I ?

I know that sadness. I was the same when my 2 left for university. I dreaded they might never move back again. I felt lost and as if I had died inside. Twenty years on and one of them is near me with my grandchild. I couldn’t have imagined that. The other one is a long way away. It’s never the same but circumstances change and it’s possible one or both may return. Sons are invariably not communicative so I suggest you keep up the contact. This is what I did with my son and it worked. I told him how much I missed him. Not trying to make him feel guilty but to let him know how much I loved him. You don’t say how old your sons are but you may have grandchildren one day and you will be very much needed. There is no easy answer and we women definitely feel this loss more than men do. But you haven’t lost them and you never will.

I never expected my children to live near me. I expected them to spread their wings - that’s how I brought them up. They both live the other end of the country. One is very chatty and rings me every day, one isn’t - and unfortunately he is the one with children,, so I don’t see my grandchildren very often. I still feel I know them pretty well, though.

It’s a lot about expectations, isn’t it? If you expected them to live near you, it will be difficult for you if they don’t. I think I would mind if mine lived in another country, although obviously they have every right to.

I don't think it's about 'sense', Sssd, so much as expectation. I think the emotional payback of your estrangement from your siblings perhaps makes you worry about 'losing' your children.

I always expected my kids to move away. Why? Because I and all my four siblings did. Because my parents and their siblings did. Even because at least two and probably three of my grandparents did.

So to me the idea that one would stay in the area where one grew up was never an expectation. The expectation was that education and experience widened one's physical as well as mental horizons.

I guess we were brought up to expect to want to spread our wings. I certainly did and I don't think my parents thought it at all strange. I don't remember feeling any sadness when my kids went on their way further afield. I was just pleased they felt confident to set off on their own at nineteen, eighteen and seventeen respectively.

No empty nest syndrome for me, just more space soon filled up with mine and MrB's paraphernalia.

Emotionally we still stayed, and stay, close to our offspring while accepting the distance, both physical and mental, that their natural maturing naturally entails.

Success to your kids, Sssd! And I hope all goes well with you too. Allow time for this change to settle. Wishing you well.

Ah, I see Grandma70s has made a similar argument.

Thank you all. I know time is a healer. I remember when my mum died, i thought id never get over it. But i did. I know this isn't a bereavement but it feels similar. I didn't expect it to feel so bad.

I just wish i could stop crying.

I brought my DC to be independent, at eleven they went off to school in another city. As a teenager DD travelled to London to the Royal academy of music on her own.
When DC went off to university I did not expect them to return to the family home and they didn't.
DD lives and works abroad but I do see her several times a year.
DS went to university in the south and remained there for ten years but now lives much closer to me.
I am just so happy that DC were well educated and have good employment.
You just need to think about the positives and how proud you are of your DC's achievements.

You will stop crying sssd, you will be fine, but not yet. It’s early days so Nothing wrong with being upset. It takes time to accept but you will. Try to plan a few things to look forward to, a day out, meet a friend, a good walk. I know how you feel.

silverlining48

You will stop crying sssd, you will be fine, but not yet. It’s early days so Nothing wrong with being upset. It takes time to accept but you will. Try to plan a few things to look forward to, a day out, meet a friend, a good walk. I know how you feel.

Very well said silverlining48!!

Dear Sssd,
I really feel for you. I was the much younger child and my brother and sister married and left home then my father died when I was 17.
I think my DC leaving reopened some old wounds.
Perhaps find a councillor to talk to?
And look after yourself. Find some things that bring you pleasure.
And go out for a walk each day.
And plan a visit to see them once every few months. Make it a fun jaunt with some sightseeing perhaps.
All the best.
Something that helps me is to say to myself" this is normal" and to be expected. You are a loving caring person and you have to let them go.

I could in fact I might have written a post very much like yours ten years ago when our son and daughter left home. I know exactly how you feel as if you died inside with heartbreak. I was only saying to a good neighbour yesterday I love where we live and our house but it’s an empty nest to me still.

We see our son and daughter their partners and our lovely grandchildren as often as we can around their busy lives. I helped a great deal staying over etc when their children were babies then toddlers. Still do as much as it is practical that’s what I want to do help out. We support them in any way we can and we know they are grateful.

It took me a long time to get rid of the knot in my stomach a knot of loss because I missed them. I knew they were going to start their new stage of life with their partners I was happy for them. I felt I was being selfish but I wasn’t it was just so hard to let go. My dh has been my rock always cheered me up when the tears started. My very good friends have been very supportive some of us are more emotional than others.

You will watch your family change and grow see how they cope and support them in any way you can. You are their mum that’s what you do and will continue to do so. One day you will feel a release inside a weight lifting it will be slow. You will still have days of tears feeling that you lost your very purpose but you have not and will not. 💐

I am so sorry, sssd that you are bereft at the moment. It is tough and I'm glad you have work and friends.

You say your DH is okay, which is a huge benefit. Your primary relationship is with him, so try to think of this stage as an opportunity to make it wonderful (again?). Organise some fun together, tell your AC all about it. They'll keep in touch if they know you're okay and they don't have to feel sad and guilty about you.

Your feeling of abandonment is down to your childhood memories of being left with your parents whilst your siblings became estranged. I am no stranger to estrangement and know how it can mess with your head for a very long time. You say your siblings are still estranged from you 40 years later but presumably still alive. Would you consider reconnecting, I know it is late in the day and these things get harder as time goes by, but is it possible? I am estranged from a sibling as well as my eldest daughter and for me it isn't possible, maybe it isn't for you either but am wondering if this is something you need to do in order to move forwards with your life and leave that sense of abandonment behind.
Your sons sound as if they are happily getting on with their lives and that is a credit to yourself and DH, this is what you want, for them to be rounded independent human beings. But is okay to miss them and cry over your youngest's departure, as others have said try to get on with your life and keep in touch with your sons in whichever way they find most convenient.
All the best.
xx

Sssd -I don’t want to rub salt in your wound but I feel so sorry for you. I’m thinking of my poor Mum. All her 9 children left for foreign climes. My heart is breaking, thinking of that selfless mother of mine - she wanted us to do what’s best for us. My only consolation is that we left hoping to return after further qualifications. That thought probably consoled her and gave her hope. But we never did, other than vining her and bringing her over for holidays.

All my 4 boys have left home, moved across the UK and I'm so very proud of them all. I feel sorry for some children who never spread their wings. My lot come back regularly to visit & it's joyous. They have so much to talk about & we joke & laugh & then ---Whoosh!.... they all return.
It's a good thing to have bold, independent, slightly bonkers children. 😻

Sssd, well done for letting your children go without fuss, you undid the apron strings and it is natural for young adults to leave and make their own way

It is time to concentrate on yourself and dh, do things together and also concentrate on some engrossing hobbies for yourself, you need these to occupy your mind. Believe me your children will thank you for releasing them with good heart and they will always stay in touch by choice rather than by mental pressure

Change is horrible, it happens to all of us and either we adapt or we sink. Now on my own through widowhood, that is the ultimate and hardest change, I adapted, I don`t like it but I cheerfully live my life and my AC live their lives. We are all close but don`t live close

It's a new chapter Sssd. Is your marriage a good one? If so, start to built a new and different life with your husband otherwise he will soon lose sympathy with the situation. My adult son is disabled and when I die he will probably end up in a residential facility. My only friend and support (my darling husband) dropped dead suddenly 8 years ago in his 50's and I have no family to speak of. I know this is my life and doesn't relate to yours, but I'm trying to encourage you to put things in perspective.

We live in the South of England but our son left home to go to university in the North. He then joined the submarine Corp sailing out of Faslane. Later married a Glasgow girl and now has twin sons.
We are sad that he left home so early but know he is happy. Thank goodness for facetime. At least boys know who we are when we do see them and we get nice holidays in Scotland and every other Christmas.
We do have a daughter with 2 children living near us so we are not alone.

My son emigrated to the US 15 years ago. That was tough, and I still get upset when he goes home after a visit.

But, he’s having a lovely life, so we keep in touch other ways. 🙂

My daughter left Ireland to go to university in England 16 years ago, a year after my first husband died.
A year later my son, his wife and my 2 grandchildren returned to England.
Last week I went to visit my daughter.
She is now 34, such a confident, outgoing young woman with a good job, happily married with a wonderful lifestyle. It was great having her to drive me about visiting friends and an elderly aunt.
I only see my children 2 or maybe 3 times a years but it's wonderful to see how happy and successful they are.
In time it will get easier and with modern technology it's so much easier to keep in touch
Thinking of you xx

Thank you everyone for these messages, so much to think about. I need to try to be more positive.