How ‘independent’ are you?

I only ask when I simply cannot do the task, and that's not often,
83 years of age.

I spent most of my working life helping others and in addition was helping my FiL, Mil and maiden aunt in law. along with my own parents + single Uncle and Aunt. Sometimes it was rewarding that I had been able to help though sometimes it was far too much.
Now widowed and with various health issues I have to rely on my 2DDs and 3DGC for help which goes against the grain. But my lovely DGS told me categorically that it made him very happy to be able to offer assistance when needed and allowed him to do "good deeds" and feel "useful".

Usedtobe Blonds, I admire your independent mind, especially your attitude towards dealing with your financial affairs.

Daddima, I sympathise very much. It took me a long time to accept I must give up my large garden with all its trees I myself planted and talked to. Despite I knew sons were caring and responsible it hurt my feelings when they pruned trees that did not need pruning and tidying stuff I left for wild hedgehogs, mice, and frogs.

I am stubbornly independent but there are some house chores I don't do anymore due to a risk of falling or injuring my back. I am amazed at how much weaker I seem to get as the years go by. Mr. Mac is very poorly so I do all of the husband's work, too.

Thoro: "My neighbours make me feel old and vulnerable by checking up on me and checking I've got shopping etc (yes I have got lovely neighbours and I have some serious health conditions) but surely I'm not that old!"

Thoro, whether you are young or old, your neighbors sound lovely. How lucky you are!

We were both only children and assumed we would do things ourselves but time and age have meant accepting that there are quite a lot of physical things I can’t do any more. I know some of my younger neighbours would help if asked (things like light bulbs I can no longer reach) but I find it very hard to ask. I dread being unable to drive, but that will come and I will have to find ways round it.

I am one of those people who are much happier in offering my help to others and find it extremely difficult = not just asking for help, but in accepting it.

This became very real a few month ago when on a u3a coach weekend outing. I am in my eighties, and have very limited mobility. I use a small, folding electric wheelchair which enables me to get round most places. That weekend, the Sunday was at Eden Project in Cornwall. However, the wheelchair got damaged during a stop over on the Saturday making it unusable.

The trip organiser announced the problem on the coach the following morning (Much to my embarrassment) and asked for people to volunteer to push me around in a manual wheelchair that The Eden Project was able to supply. Several wonderful people offered and I had such a lovely time. Normally, I stay by myself on such outings, not wanting to limit other people to going just to where a wheelchair can go. This trip I was with a group of people the whole time. They were truly wonderful and I was so very grateful.

when I told the story (afterwards) to one of my psychology trained daughters, she said that she was certain that those ladies (it was all women), got far more than I did from the help they were able to give to me.

Cannot thank them enough but now my wheelchair has been repaired, I still went on my last trip with u3a by myself!!!!!

Normally I use a scooter locally, but his chair enables me to go on public transport and with the Passenger Assistance, I have made trips to the other side of London to visit family and friends there. I do have a locally living daughter who is marvellous and insists that I must contact them for help - which I do, and she will drive me to medical appointments at places unable to be reached by public transport - but I do prefer, as far as possible, managing such things by myself.

I am quite confident that if DH was no longer around I could manage alone. Throughout his working life he was frequently travelling to remote parts of the world for undefined periods of time. For the first 30 odd years, before the internet etc, all I would get was a phone call before he frew out from Hathrow and another one when he returned.

I di everything, bought and sold houses dealt with builders, roofers, kitchen fitters, dealt with plumbing problems amd problem children (sometimes) on my own, looked after aged parents, both sides when needed.

I have done it once. I am sure I can do it again.

M0nica your husband is being extremely sensible in seeing his problem and organising the solution 👏

My son's partner has a mobility scooter because of ME/CFS.
She says it's given her so much independence.
She brought it with her when we flew to Lanzarote in July, it was remarkably straightforward to do so and meant she could really enjoy her holiday 🙂

When I broke my hand and was unable to drive, I had to go for an appointment at a distant hospital accessible only by a train ride and two buses. My family were unable to help that day, but my son arranged for someone he knew to take me. They refused any money for petrol, saying “it gave us the opportunity to do a kindness” , a lovely attitude.

I said upthread that I was very independent and reading all the posts I realise that that is true, not because I can cope with everything without help, I can’t but I know how to access the help I need without involving others.
I can use taxis to get me to appointments, I have my shopping delivered every week.
I use the dreaded Amazon for things not in the things supermarkets can deliver.
I use a home hairdresser, I have used her for teens of years.

I try to organise any outside help I need without bothering family.
This is why I feel I am independent in spite of being 87 and slightly disabled.
I dealt with financial and practical matters , changing utilities, organising insurance etc because my H had dementia but I had taken note of all that was needed many years before.
I just think it is the nature of some people to be practical, that is was makes us independent.

Gramarretto, I’m with you on missing my husband more than I’ve words to describe. All those practical things he did, or we shared now down to me. I’ve had to make decisions about house maintenance/ needed savings to do this. I usually led on that kind of thing but it would be shared decisions. Tougher without our loved life partners I feel for widows who have to do things they’d never done. My mum had never written a cheque, set up a direct debit. Luckily she had daughters to help

Well, today DH and I visited a disabled equipment shop and he has decided to hire a small portable buggy for a month or two. With the idea that he will then buy one

That is really going to make him - and us - more independent. We are off to visit DS & family in early December and they can plan nice things for us to do and visit, knowing we will not be limited by DH's limited walking ability.

When we next go on holiday, we will be able to explore places we visit because he will be mobile, rather than me going out, walking round and reporting back, or staying on a boat or in a hotel watching the world go by outside.

I am over the moon.

Luckily very independent despite not being able to drive anymore because of failing eyesight. No family living close by to help even if I needed it 😅

I think at the moment I would say 'thank you for the offer but I don't need it right now' to most offers of help. There may be occasions when the offer of a lift would be extremely helpful, though, and I wouldn't turn it down.

I'm 68 and fit and healthy but very aware that that could change at any time so we're doing our best to make sure we can stay independent for as long as possible.

My idea of being independent is not the same as my mothers though - I will take help when needed to make life a little easier, I'm no martyr. My mother thinks that she has to struggle on alone with no help until she basically falls over.

When I need (not want) rarely, from my boys I ask, otherwise independent, drove myself to hospital yesterday 20 miles each way for a vaginal ultra sound.

I miss DH more than I can say! I am doing better than I thought I would but I need help for loads of things.

I didn't give him enough credit for doing the things I disliked - particularly techy things, booking things, even driving which he loved but I have to force myself.

I am proud of how I managed this year to go to NZ for a month to see DS and to Denmark to see DB.

Just this minute I've booked to stay with DSis at New year.

My DC think I can manage, so I ought to feel more confident.
Well done all you independent spirits!

I too am exactly the same as yourself Daddima, very independent. I always go to the hospital appointments on my own, get a taxi there and back, pop into the cafe for a coffee and cake before setting off home.

Even when they offer to help me, I have told our family that I am fine and they have enough on with their own lives, but I know where they are if I need something. I do everything online, shopping, banking so I am fine.

My dad died the year after we married in the 60's when my mum was only 55 years old but for thirty years until she died aged 85, she was dependent on us to take her shopping, to hospital appts, to GP appointments in those days I had to catch three buses just to get to her house. She would ring at all hours asking us to go round as she felt ill, it got impossible.

When she died, I said to my husband, I will never, ever put that sort of pressure on our children and I never have. Sadly, 8 years after my mum died my husband got a terminal illness so out of our 47 years of being married, there were only 8 years of us being able to live the life we wanted to and not be at the beck and call of my mum. My husbands parents had died before we met.

I think being independent makes you healthier and keeps your brain active. If I ever did need anything, I could pick up the phone and my family would be here for me. They are very grateful that I am the way I am but always make it clear that I have to reach out if I want anything. I don't see them all that much, every three weeks approx. but I love my independence, doing what I want when I want.

I sort myself out. Not always easy since I lost DH, but I’d hate to become that ‘needy parent’ where my ACs are concerned.

The main problem as I see it is that when you’ve been so independent all your life, your family and friends just think that you can carry on being independent and as you get older they don’t realise that it’s now you could do with some help.

I get very frustrated as there are so many little things I can no longer do, for example changing a lightbulb. I had to ask the Amazon delivery man to do it for me, bless him he did 😊

I do have a carer so my daughter thinks I don’t need her help and if I say anything, I just get told well you should have asked so I just get on with it, my own fault that’s where independence has got me.

I am as independent as I can be. aSt the moment I can manage most things quite well although I am lucky to have a family that will help and have told me off for not asking

I like to think of myself as independent but in my old age I am also gaining common sense. It is snowing where I live, and for an adventure I thought.... I will walk to the shops and stock up with necessities. However, a brief memory of my grandmother, 94 ignoring all advice and doing exactly that, falling and breaking her arm and lying for an hour in the freezing snow before she was rescued, prevented me. (I broke one wrist, sprained another in the last 2 years, without any help from snow.) Sense prevailed, but it is a bit boring, isn't it!

I do what I can because I have for example, time to go on buses. I help my children out when they need it. I do accept help when it is something that would take me ages to do that they could do very quickly.
When I'm not able to do stuff for myself as much I'll ask for help if need be and it's something they won't be too inconvenienced by. My in-laws used to have their children come and do things that they could have spent a little bit of money on to do independently, for example the occasional taxi, that was too expensive although they had all the benefits they were entitled to which includes enough for the occasional taxi to the dentist. They had to take time off work, or for other things going after work, getting home really late, being still tired next morning for work,and yes it was nice for them to see them but had they paid a little bit then they could have come down at a weekend for the same cost and just spent time together. When they did go down at weekends again it was all doing things for them, had they got a gardener in for a while again they could have spent time chatting, doing a few odd jobs round the place, not lots of big jobs. The amount spent on petrol/train fares was more than it would have cost to have someone so some of the things they wanted the children to do. If something was going to be really expensive to have someone so it, I'd understand but it never was. My children have told me that they don't want me to move too far away when I get older as ATM they are not too far away to help out if need be. I don't plan to move btw, they just look at their father and aunt's and uncles, how they had to spend several years travelling to their grandparents, and don't want to have to do that for me. Grandparents could have moved closer as all their children were just a few miles apart elsewhere, everyone understands not wanting to leave friends when you're well enough to meet them, but those friends died, they had made no new ones, had they moved they'd have got so many more visits as everyone could have popped in often.they liked their area but rarely saw it as they became housebound.
My son will do some helpful things round the place as Christmas/ birthday pressies, but we always take time to just chat and enjoy each others company

I am very independent because I have to be. My DH is dependent on me and our AC live many miles away.
I was surprised though when my DD and her DH came up to sit in the hospital when I had my breast cancer op.
I am sure they would be there if necessary but they have busy lives.
I just hope I can continue to be able to do things for myself.
My dad was the same until at 97 he told me he was finding it difficult to cope and could I find a home for the two of them.

Always good to help people and accept help. It makes the world a nicer place.