I’m itching to just ask why?

eazybee

'Your son is your son 'til he gets him a wife
But your daughter's your daughter for all of your life.'

Have you never heard that, Lilacs?
Perhaps it isn't current in America.

Your husband appears to have made it clear to his mother that you and his children come first, so I cannot see the problem, other than the fact that you heartily dislike her.

Also should his wife and children not come first?

eazybee

'Your son is your son 'til he gets him a wife
But your daughter's your daughter for all of your life.'

Have you never heard that, Lilacs?
Perhaps it isn't current in America.

Your husband appears to have made it clear to his mother that you and his children come first, so I cannot see the problem, other than the fact that you heartily dislike her.

I understand and am familiar with the saying I’m just not sure how standing up for your wife equates to you not being a son? It just all sounds a bit dramatic to me. I don’t dislike my MIL at all I just don’t like her asking nosy and intrusive questions like how much my husband makes, who makes more money in the marriage, how household items are split. There are ways to be a mother without having to ask intrusive questions about your child’s mareiagr that aren’t your business.

Maybe I’m missing something and you could clarify?

'Your son is your son 'til he gets him a wife
But your daughter's your daughter for all of your life.'

Have you never heard that, Lilacs?
Perhaps it isn't current in America.

Your husband appears to have made it clear to his mother that you and his children come first, so I cannot see the problem, other than the fact that you heartily dislike her.

That’s such good advice NotSpaghetti.

I think you are appreciated by your husband and children.
They love you.

Maybe you feel a bit vulnerable and want her to agree that you are a good mum and wife.
Please leave the "problem" side of her to your husband and try to enjoy the days you like each other and have a good relationship.
In those days I'd tell her how nice it is to have little chats with her, to find out about your husband as a child, share precious times with the children... Pick out all the good things you can.

You will feel better, and so will she.
Focus on the positives.
Ignore the negatives - you cannot change other people but you can change the way you react to them.
I hope by being as positive as you can you will chip away at her heart and will one day have the relationship with her that you truly want and deserve.

Excellent observation and advice BlueBelle

Well it’s changing as we go along now it’s not anything about cards and presents but intrusive questions and this is someone you have such a good relationship with 🤣🤣Just live your life and stop stirring the pot

Smileless2012

Maybe be thankful for that lilacs, that your relationship has drastically improved.

That’s very true!

Maybe be thankful for that lilacs, that your relationship has drastically improved.

Smileless2012

It does seem very odd that someone who originally claimed to have had a good relationship with their m.i.l., is now finding so much fault with her .

To be fair once my haha bf set boundaries around her not asking so many intrusive questions about how we handle our marriage our relationship drastically improved

It does seem very odd that someone who originally claimed to have had a good relationship with their m.i.l., is now finding so much fault with her .

The card and gift issues for Mother's Day that you're complaining about are just irrelevant here in the UK; as has been explained to you already, we leave that to only their children to arrange. Therefore you're unlikely to get any advice about how to change that. Like other posters, I'm a bit taken aback that your OP clearly stated what a good relationship you enjoyed with your MIL and now, 24 hours later, you're flagging up some serious concerns with her overstepping boundaries. From reading those, I'd say that you don't have a MIL problem at all; you have a husband problem. He needs to grow a pair, tell his mother to stop interfering and mind her own business. This is something only he can do. If he refuses for any reason, you'll have your answer as to what your future will look like and that's your cue to either leave or suck it up and accept that your husband and his mother are closer than you'd like and you'll never get a card or gift telling you how wonderful you are.

lilacs45 you've tried your best, your husband has tried his best.

You could try totally ignoring her intrusive questions and simply reply with a complete change of subject.

Or you could have a bit of fun and answer her intrusive questions with totally outrageous, exaggerated answers.
(That worked in our family).

Either way do try and stop taking the silly woman so seriously!!

MissAdventure

Lilacs45,

I dated someone for 14 years whose mum was the main woman in his life, so I know how that works.

Red flag alert

Lilacs45,

I dated someone for 14 years whose mum was the main woman in his life, so I know how that works.

Oldnproud

The very positive and good relationship with the MIL that was claimed in the very first post seems to have broken down very quickly!

Well i said that once my husband set boundaries and stopped gladly answering all her nosy questions are relationship vastly improved.

The very positive and good relationship with the MIL that was claimed in the very first post seems to have broken down very quickly!

Delila

Yes, I love you mother/mother-in-law, but in the nicest possible way, please butt out!🙂

I’m pretty much told her that before, “Linda I value our relationship but with all due respect these questions your asking are none of your business. You wouldn’t ask your married friends these questions so it’s highly inappropriate to ask us and I really don’t appreciate you going behind my back after I already set my boundary to ask my husband these questions bc his answer will be the same as mine we operate as a team.”

MissAdventure

I was always left in NO DOUBT if I overstepped the mark with my daughter.
No arguments, no bad feelings, but I was clearly told to butt out, so I did.

My biggest annoyance is when my husband”feels bad” about setting boundaries with his mom. I always remind him I’m his wife and should always come first he chose me when he made those vows. And that by “being afraid to hurt mummy’s feelings” he is saying without realizing it that he cares more and worries more about hurting his mom than his wife and that doesn’t sit right with me. He has since learned though and seen my point on that part.

For me men that are afraid to stand up to their mothers are stuck in little boy mode and it’s not a cute or attractive trait at all. I had to train him out of that. Other than that everything is wonderful in our marriage. He has come such a long way because before he would gladly answer any question his mother would throw at him. Since he stopped doing that and set strong boundaries with her my relationship with his mom improved a thousand times bc I wasn’t constantly feeling like our marriage was being judged by her or I was walking on eggshells.

Yes, I love you mother/mother-in-law, but in the nicest possible way, please butt out!🙂

I was always left in NO DOUBT if I overstepped the mark with my daughter.
No arguments, no bad feelings, but I was clearly told to butt out, so I did.

Wyllow3

Your husband has to stand up to his mum and you need to ask it of him.

He has told her to mind her own business and that these questions are in no way her business. She just responds but your my son and he tells her but your son is a grown married man and someone else’s marriage and how it operates is not your business. Would you ask your friends about their private marital business? No so then you shouldn’t ask me either.

MissAdventure

He needs to tell her, then, to mind her own business.

He has. However it royally pisses me off they I already set a boundary how these things are none of her business and these boundaries were disregarded bc she couldn’t respect her DIL’s boundaries that she went above me and behind my back to try and weasel the information out of my husband. As if my own husband is going to sell me out or give his mom this information and betray me. We are a team of course he won’t answer these invasive questions anymore than I would.

If she starts in again I am so tempted to turn it right around on her, “well how much do you and FIL make, who contributes more, how much money do you each have in your accounts, who makes more money” and so on and so forth. Then when she looks at me crazy it acts horrified I can say , “yeah see don’t those questions feel terribly invasive and nosy” I just hate hate hate how it’s ok for the older generation to ask the younger generation these questions and it’s labeled as them just not realizing they are crossing boundaries or we laugh it off but if the younger generation were to dare to ask the older generation they would be labeled as terribly rude.

Your husband has to stand up to his mum and you need to ask it of him.

He needs to tell her, then, to mind her own business.