I’m itching to just ask why?

Delila

This is one of those posts where no-one can give you the answer you’re looking for. Unfortunately it’s difficult to empathise with you as this is an unheard of issue in the UK. Sorry, as it’s obviously an upset for you, but most of us are in the same boat and never receive Mother’s or Father’s Day cards or gifts from our parents or parents-in-law, and don’t expect to do so.

I can see that the real problem is that you feel your MIL doesn’t value you - well it does sound as though there are some tensions between you, so maybe work on those if you possibly can.

I guess looking deeper the gifts are just a symptom of a larger issue which is the fact that my MIL feels it’s her right to ask my husband invasive questions about our marriage such as how much money he makes who makes more how we handle our finances how we split up money and household responsibilities. We don’t support MIL financially and she is in great health so it’s not like these questions affect her in anyway in terms of her living with us or us borrowing money from her. Her son isn’t a little boy whose mummy needs to keep track of his allowance or paper route money to make sure he isn’t blowing it all on the latest video game. He is a married man and an adult and to put it quite bluntly it’s none of her freaking business how he or we handle our marital affairs such as our finances. I would never even ask my best friend of 30 years these questions yet my MIL asks my husband these questions with no shame. The worst part is she asks him these questions behind his wife’s back even after I politely told her that how we handle our marriage and finances and split things up is no one else’s business besides each others. My parents would never dream of asking me or my husband these types of questions.

This is one of those posts where no-one can give you the answer you’re looking for. Unfortunately it’s difficult to empathise with you as this is an unheard of issue in the UK. Sorry, as it’s obviously an upset for you, but most of us are in the same boat and never receive Mother’s or Father’s Day cards or gifts from our parents or parents-in-law, and don’t expect to do so.

I can see that the real problem is that you feel your MIL doesn’t value you - well it does sound as though there are some tensions between you, so maybe work on those if you possibly can.

Sorry to be blunt but it all sounds so childish

I was thinking must be USA
This doesn’t happen in UK unheard of Lilac
Children give the cards or gifts
Just get on with enjoying your life with your child and husband and don’t make your mother in law, who you say is nice, the whole centre of your worry You say you have a happy marriage why do you need confirmation from your mil just get on with your happy marriage

Lilacs Thank you for explaining about your mother. I'm another who thinks perhaps you are in the USA?
Here in the UK it's only the children who give to their parents on Mothering Sunday and on Father's Day. We don't give to the parents of our grandchildren on these occasions. I can see you feel left out in your family as your mother gives to your husband. But that's all alien to us in the UK I'm afraid.

Are you American? (the use of Mom). Is this card business more important in the states than it is here?
Fathers Day cards and gifts from mothers to their sons is unheard of here in the U.K. I consider it rather strange..

I had a difficult MIL and she really didn’t want DILs at all, so I knew where I stood and wasn’t bothered.
Try and rise above it.

Aldom

Lilacs Do you also expect your own mother, assuming you still have a mother, to send you a Mother's Day card in acknowledgement of how you care for her grandchildren?

It’s the fact that my husband gets treatment on Father’s Day and I don’t get any appreciation on Mother’s Day from my MIL. My mom gets my husband a card and gift on Father’s Day and me a card and gift on Mother’s Day. My husband should ask his mom why he gets something on Father’s Day but I get nothing on Mother’s Day especially when my mom gets for both of us.

Lilacs Do you also expect your own mother, assuming you still have a mother, to send you a Mother's Day card in acknowledgement of how you care for her grandchildren?

Also I didn’t mention this as first because I didn’t think it was relevant. But st times my MIL has been very intrusive in our marital finances asking questions such as how much does my husband make, who makes more in the marriage, who pays for what? I shut it down by politely saying, “Marge we are married therefore everything from finances to household arrangements are shared as we operate as a team therefore the rest such as who makes more is completely irrelevant.” Then on the phone she tried to be sneaky and ask my husband the same questions behind my back which was her trying to be sneaky and manipulative. My husband said the same thing just a litle more direct by telling her our family arrangements are none of her business. Not even sure how it’s relevant or matters to her. We don’t ask to borrow money from her and we never would. She is in great health so it’s not like she has to rely on us financially or for housing so our financial set up would affect her AT ALL. So it has zero effect on her. It’s just her being nosy and trying to cause trouble bc she sees we are in a very happy marriage. Other then that though she is wonderful

BlueBelle

Oh get over yourself lilac

For not wanting to be the only one excluded? Guess that’s so weird to not want to be excluded

Oh get over yourself lilac

I wouldn't talk directly to her to "have to out". Its gone on so very very long.

I think I agree with Esmay
"
If your MIL ignores you on your special days then she's probably jealous of you and regards you as competition -only she isn't going to say so directly. Observing other people's days is part of her game plan . If you challenge her -you've played right into her hands and she'll try to turn the family against you .

But I would want my husband to talk to her at the right time to try and get recognition of your birthday, entirely reasonable given all the other occasions she gifts.

Smileless2012

Yep And.... we're off! MissA.

Jees-oh! Think I will go and count sheep.

To add: if you do for your son when her time rolls around you should do for your DIL

But my husband who also isn’t her father ir the father of her child gets a Father’s Day card from my MIL. So he is worthy of love and appreciation for his role as a father but I’m not worthy when Mother’s Day rolls around of love and appreciation as the mother of her GC? We are married we should be treated the same

pascal30

Yet another progressive post.. YAWN

We’re off for what? What am I missing? What type of progressive post are you referring to?

A mother doesn’t send her daughter in law a card on Mother’s Day FGS you’re not her mother
I wouldn’t send my son a Father’s Day card he’s not my father that’s up to his kids to do !!!

Of course she’s not expected to in your words ‘shower you with love and appreciation on Mother’s Day’ what are you expecting !
I ve never sent any daughter or son in-laws Mothers of Father’s Day gifts or cards and nor did my mother in law, although we had a beautiful relationship
As for your birthday yes I d expect a small gift and card but is it worth worrying about… if you get on ok with her hang on to that and stop needing confirmation of your abilities as a mother or a wife Just get on with your life and forget it, its all nonsense

The only people who should be showering you their thanks is your husband and your kids
Get over it storm in a tea cup Life’s just too short

Yet another progressive post.. YAWN

Yep And.... we're off! MissA.

Yes MissA Here we go....

Smileless2012

He should still see his mum, you're his wife not his mother. If you think that a son should stop being a son once he gets a wife, I suspect that the problem here isn't your m.i.l. but might be you.

Where did I say he shouldn’t still see his mom? In fact I argued the opposite saying that saying is dumb bc putting your wife first doesn’t mean you are not a son anymore it just means that you are entering a new phase of your life where you put your spouse and kids first. He still sees his mom and I encourage that. We usually go as a family bc our family time is already limited so it’s just doesn’t happen as often but we still go to see her and if anything I arrange that

And.... we're off!

Also that son is a son till he gets a wife I have that quote bc it’s used by bitter MIL’s who think they own their sons and should still be just as important as his wife. It’s said in a bitter way of, “hmph well my son has the audacity to put his wife first therefore I guess that makes him not my son.” When that’s not what it means at all . You can still be a son to your mother whilst creating your own family and recognize that your immediate family which is your wife and children now come first. Although some men never got that memo when they married.

Not to mention it’s very sexist. You don’t hear them say a daughter is a daughter until she gets married. Maybe bc women put their husbands first and their mothers don’t put themselves in completions with their daughter’s husbands

He should still see his mum, you're his wife not his mother. If you think that a son should stop being a son once he gets a wife, I suspect that the problem here isn't your m.i.l. but might be you.

I don't understand why you appear to be so upset by this lilacs when you say in your OP you have what you consider to be a very good and positive relationship with your m.i.l.

It's as if you're looking for a reason to fall out with her.