When you got married did you save escape money ?

Smileless2012

^she implied^ so she didn't actually say so then. I do find it rather odd that your then fiance and now husband tells you things that he must know are going to upset you.

She didn’t outright say it but still reading between the lines we know what she meant. All it has done is make me resent her. You’re right I told my husband to stop telling me the disparaging things his mother says about me or our relationship. I actually asked him, “why does she feel comfortable telling your disparaging things about your wife or your relationship?” There has to be a reason she feels comfy doing so either bc you indulge it or you don’t immediately shut it down.

It’s kind of like if I found out someone was talking badly about me to a close friend of mine not only would I question the person saying it but also the video friend it was being told to bc I would wonder if that person is really my close friend people would know it’s stupid to talk to someone’s friend or family member about them.

she implied so she didn't actually say so then. I do find it rather odd that your then fiance and now husband tells you things that he must know are going to upset you.

Smileless2012

We had a joint account from the very beginning. Mr. S. earned more than me but I never felt financially vulnerable, even when I stopped working for 7 years until both boys were in full time education.

You read an awful lot into what your m.i.l. says lilacs, often it seems attributing the worse of intentions without any justification for doing so.

Well according to my fiancé (now husband) she implied it should be hidden from me. If you go into a marriage hiding things from your spouse the marriage is doomed from the start. Luckily my fiance told his mom that he won’t be hiding things from me and that she isn’t to coming any further on our finances as how we arrange our finances is between the 2 of us. I don’t think she liked that too much but oh well.

An escape fund emmagee?

I didn't, but I should have done.

We had a joint account from the very beginning. Mr. S. earned more than me but I never felt financially vulnerable, even when I stopped working for 7 years until both boys were in full time education.

You read an awful lot into what your m.i.l. says lilacs, often it seems attributing the worse of intentions without any justification for doing so.

Not necessarily true for all women lilacs I earned more money than my first husband and always had my own bank account, always have done.

Smileless2012

You say here lilacs that until you got engaged and your future m.i.l. made that comment, that you thought you had a close relationship with her yet you've posted else where, that you have a good and positive relationship with her .

I see no difference in this advice/suggestion coming from a mother to her D or a mother to her son. No one else who received this advice appears to think it suggested that their future husband wasn't trusted.

It may not be logical which I fully admit but it hurt my feelings to hear my MIL make that suggestion when we were barely engaged. Like she went straight to possible divorce. Like jeez woman let us celebrate our engagement first before you start telling my fiancé to hoard money from me. If she came at the conversation looking out for both of us as a couple. Because that’s what a marriage is is a team it isn’t just about one person. And she said something like I think it’s smart for you guys to each have a separate account as well as a joint one that would be fine. But it was approached like she had no care what happened to me. Like she assumed if we divorced or whatever it automatically had to be my fault and her son had to be protected from me instead of being a bit more objective and realizing her son could be the one at fault. That is when I took a step back from our relationship because I realized she didn’t care about me at all like she originally acted like she did.

Smileless2012

You say here lilacs that until you got engaged and your future m.i.l. made that comment, that you thought you had a close relationship with her yet you've posted else where, that you have a good and positive relationship with her .

I see no difference in this advice/suggestion coming from a mother to her D or a mother to her son. No one else who received this advice appears to think it suggested that their future husband wasn't trusted.

Taking my MIL out of it the reality is men aren’t as financially vulnerable as women are in a marriage.

yes - most definitely

You say here lilacs that until you got engaged and your future m.i.l. made that comment, that you thought you had a close relationship with her yet you've posted else where, that you have a good and positive relationship with her .

I see no difference in this advice/suggestion coming from a mother to her D or a mother to her son. No one else who received this advice appears to think it suggested that their future husband wasn't trusted.

less**

V3ra

^And of course he told me we don’t keep things from each other^

lilacs45 why would you expect or want your husband to always tell you things his mother has said or done that he knows will upset you?
What useful purpose does this serve? It's unnecessary and unkind.

He would be better advised to tell his mother her interference is unwelcome, and he doesn't appreciate her constantly trying to undermine and upset you.
She's his problem, not yours.

Oh trust me he told me he shut down the rude comment from his mother right away and told her his finances and how we arrange things in our marriage is none of her business and not to comment on our finances ever again. I wouldn’t have married him if it was any less?

Smileless2012

What's the difference between a mother suggesting her D have an 'escape fund' and a mother suggesting her son does?

Why is that people’s go to question on here whenever people bring up an issue with their MIL, “well what about if it was a mother and daughter?” Well what if the sky is green? It’s not so let’s focus on the actual situation that is being referenced.

Well I just felt like it was one of the first things to come out of her mouth and put a damper on our engagement not to mention I thought her and I had a close relationship until that comment that implied she didn’t trust me otherwise if the comment wasn’t against me why couldn’t she just say it in front of me? I can tell you why she had to say it behind my back bc she knew it wasn’t a nice thing to say or imply about me. She is already planning for my fiancé at the time impending divorce and the engagement ring was barely slid on my finger at that point!

Also men aren’t exactly in the same vulnerable position financially that women are also left to be in.

Not to mention how we handle our finances and how her audit soon to be married son handles his married business is none of her business. Time to let her son stand on his own two feet.

And of course he told me we don’t keep things from each other

lilacs45 why would you expect or want your husband to always tell you things his mother has said or done that he knows will upset you?
What useful purpose does this serve? It's unnecessary and unkind.

He would be better advised to tell his mother her interference is unwelcome, and he doesn't appreciate her constantly trying to undermine and upset you.
She's his problem, not yours.

What's the difference between a mother suggesting her D have an 'escape fund' and a mother suggesting her son does?

MissAdventure

And he told you?
why are you trying to dig up arguments with others?

Stop your husband from accepting bigger presents than you, stop him from telling you everything his mummy does and says, like her probing questions, and I think all your issues will be sorted.

I’m not starting arguments with others? I’m stating what happened to me and the repercussions. And of course he told me we don’t keep things from each other

And he told you?
why are you trying to dig up arguments with others?

Stop your husband from accepting bigger presents than you, stop him from telling you everything his mummy does and says, like her probing questions, and I think all your issues will be sorted.

NanKate

My mother told me to squirrel away some money when I got married, so that I had some running away money.

Fortunately I have a kind/generous husband so never had to use it.

When I told my friend about this she was horrified and said she would never have done this. Ironically she had a bumpy marriage and would have benefited from some escape money.

My MIL told my husband to do this when he got engaged and I was so highly offended that instead of congratulating him and saying how happy she is he found love and someone he loves so much he wants to spend his life with them one of her first words were how to deceive, go behind your future wife’s back, and show you don’t trust her. Great way to go in a marriage, amirite?

From the start DH and I had our own money plus a pot for sharing for both of us. It's worked well after over 50+ years

Not at first, not for many years actually. But in middle age when the children were grown and gone it occurred to me that I couldn't live the rest of my life being so unhappy. So I opened an account and started to save . Eventually that money was vital in enabling me to leave my marriage.

I wish is had one. My now ex, only separated not yet divorced after 20 years! Spent all he could on himself whenever it seemed we were getting in a stable situation.
He emptied joint accounts, took child benefit for himself. All in all behaved like a jealous child once married.
I still can't believe what I went through or even why.

My running away money was already earned and saved from my wages between the ages 15-21. Once we married I didn’t add to my savings but kept my money separate until 50 or more years later when it was incorporated into our joint current account. Too late to run now.

Do read them Lizzie44 they're great fun.

Never had any escape money. In fact neither of us had a penny piece when we married in the 1960s. We were very young and very naive. We are very lucky that neither of us has ever wanted or needed to escape (so far!) Now approaching 59th anniversary and with equal access to funds should either of us seek to escape. Note to self: must read some Nancy Mitford novels.