Would you bother??

I no longer give gifts to young people unless I am seeing them in person. Very often they don’t know who you are and, although the cash is nice, they probably wouldn’t care if you didn’t send it. By only giving in person they can at least put a face to a name.

I don't think age really comes into it. It's a question of whether your gift is appreciated that matters, so if a 16 year old can't be bothered to tap the speed dial and say thank you, the present would stop for me, but if a 28 year old still finds the time to contact me in any way and show appreciation then I'm happy to make the effort to choose a gift and get it to them.

Doodledog

If you transferred the money, did you send a card or otherwise let her know that you'd done so?

Not everyone checks their bank account regularly, so maybe she didn't notice?

Yes, she had a birthday card which was sent in the post and as I didn't have her mobile number I messaged her Dad to say I would transfer the money on her birthday............she also had money for Christmas. In the New Year I messaged her dad again to check that she had received the cash - they all do online banking so not seeing it wasn't an excuse; he said he would check but to this day I haven't heard either way.

Just quietly stop, no fuss or drama - say nothing.

To give this some context, my own grandson always thanks me and will often message to say he's popping round to take me out for a coffee. Even his mum didn't know he was doing this until I told her, not that it was a secret, he is just such a kind soul.

Nope, I wouldn’t bother now, obviously not bothered about you

I had this for years with a goddaughter, I never knew if my gifts had got there. In the end I wrote to her (she was about 16 then) , and gently pointed out that I would appreciate a letter. I was then accused of upsetting her, by her parents! I gave her one more gift for her confirmation and then stopped.

This seems to be common.
I had trouble with one of my sons showing his gratitude to my father, especially when he was given his gt grandmother’s scrap book on the state funeral of my gt uncle. He was only given it as he was in the same occupation and about to work in Australia , where the man lived with his family. My poor father regretted giving my son the scrap book in the end.

Hello Astitchintime that is so sad. But so very rude too.
Please just stop giving any more, and don't feel guilty about it. There is no need to say anything either to her, or her parents.
I would not continue to give gifts to anyone who does not even acknowledge you via a text, or in person. To be totally blanked like that is awful, so just stop, and please, don't feel guilty either.

I give my children money to buy a gift on my behalf for grandkids because I wouldn’t have a clue! 2 of my sons always let me know what they have bought and their children always thank us. The other 2 never tell me and it seems to get swallowed up amongst the enormous amount of gifts children seem to expect these days. I have actually thought about buying a family gift because I think they are far better off financially than us but still hesitant because even though I sometimes get miffed I feel at least I am contributing!

Astitchintime

Doodledog

If you transferred the money, did you send a card or otherwise let her know that you'd done so?

Not everyone checks their bank account regularly, so maybe she didn't notice?

Yes, she had a birthday card which was sent in the post and as I didn't have her mobile number I messaged her Dad to say I would transfer the money on her birthday............she also had money for Christmas. In the New Year I messaged her dad again to check that she had received the cash - they all do online banking so not seeing it wasn't an excuse; he said he would check but to this day I haven't heard either way.

Well, it's possible that she's just rude, but I asked because my mum transferred £20 into my bank as an anniversary present, and I didn't spot it. Mum was indignant, as obviously I didn't thank her, but I am not informed when transactions take place, and I only look at my account once a month, so as my anniversary is weeks before the end of the month when I check, I just didn't know. My bank texts me if a large sum goes in or out, but not below a set amount - £500 or so, I think.

Also, my mum often asks me whether my children liked the card she sent them, got the money she transferred etc, but I have no idea . They don't live with me, and they are adults, so don't really tell me things like that.

I'm not saying that people shouldn't say thanks - of course they should - but there is still a possibility that she is unaware of the present and her father probably has no idea either.

Why not call her and ask?

According to Mumsnet children shouldn't be forced to say "thank you" or to apologise. The rationale is that the words are hollow unless the child understands the real message behind them. Apparently you need to sit with your child and analyse the words and their effects on the recipient. If they don't "feel it" then they shouldn't have to say it. Personally I think this is setting their children up for a terrible fall in adult society, but hey ho.

flappergirl

According to Mumsnet children shouldn't be forced to say "thank you" or to apologise. The rationale is that the words are hollow unless the child understands the real message behind them. Apparently you need to sit with your child and analyse the words and their effects on the recipient. If they don't "feel it" then they shouldn't have to say it. Personally I think this is setting their children up for a terrible fall in adult society, but hey ho.

Well if that's true - there will be many occasions in their adult lives when etiquette will demand that they say please and thank-you, without any deep emotion attached to the either courtesy!

It seems like some of these children are going to grow into self-entitled little horrors.

... and when this has been discussed on here previously, I've seen comments to the effect that we should not expect to be thanked, just joyful in the giving!

If you don't think it's necessary for children or teens to say thank-you for a gift of money or whatever, then you are (IMO) encouraging them to regard others with indifference.

What are these offspring going to turn out like in later life, I do wonder.

mabon1

Young people do not send thank you letters or cards. I Bought many pieces of clothes, nappies, baby lotion, baby shampoo, etc, loads of it, for my newborn great-grandson and gave an envelope with a substantial sum of money when they visited my home. They didn't bother to open any of the gifts of the envelope. This was October, and I have yet to receive a thank you. I will deal with them in my own way. The baby receives a Christmas gift, but the parents just a greeting card. They also told me that "on this occasion the clothes will be accepted, but you must ask us what we want in the future". There is no point telling my son ( the father of grandson) that he hasn't sent a thank, it's too late and it would only cause trouble. I keep my own counsel.

Your grandchildren sound thoroughly entitled and arrogant! "You must ask us what we want in future"! Clearly they think they're doing you a favour by accepting anything. I'd have told them that they ought to be grateful to receive anything at all, that gratitude is a virtue and that there will be nothing in future!!

SingingRabbits

mabon1

Young people do not send thank you letters or cards. I Bought many pieces of clothes, nappies, baby lotion, baby shampoo, etc, loads of it, for my newborn great-grandson and gave an envelope with a substantial sum of money when they visited my home. They didn't bother to open any of the gifts of the envelope. This was October, and I have yet to receive a thank you. I will deal with them in my own way. The baby receives a Christmas gift, but the parents just a greeting card. They also told me that "on this occasion the clothes will be accepted, but you must ask us what we want in the future". There is no point telling my son ( the father of grandson) that he hasn't sent a thank, it's too late and it would only cause trouble. I keep my own counsel.

Your grandchildren sound thoroughly entitled and arrogant! "You must ask us what we want in future"! Clearly they think they're doing you a favour by accepting anything. I'd have told them that they ought to be grateful to receive anything at all, that gratitude is a virtue and that there will be nothing in future!!

There is such a clash of attitudes that they will never be reconciled without a bit of give on both sides.

On the one hand, I think that people should be glad that people have bought them a gift, and be gracious in accepting it. There is never an excuse, IMO, for rejecting a present, and certainly not for demanding anything.

On the other hand, I don't think that gratitude is a virtue. Why would someone be grateful for a present they will never use? Should a wife be grateful for a bottle of washing up liquid given by her husband as a birthday present, for instance? Or a vegetarian for a voucher for a steakhouse?

I also think that withdrawing all presents in perpetuity because they are not received gratefully enough is very unkind. There are times when we all get it wrong and buy unsuitable presents - they don't fit, or are the wrong colour, or have been read already, or whatever. I don't expect gratitude for that - it would be nice if I got an acknowledgement, and a thanks for the thought - but I'd much rather know that I shouldn't buy the wrong thing next time, and wouldn't mind at all if the recipient returned the gift, or swapped it with a friend.

I would thank the giver and try to make them feel good about themselves for buying the gift, and let them know later in the year that I've got lots of Eau de Pong, or that I've gone off Pinky and Perky CDs, so could they please get me a bottle of Aroma des Fleurs or a Spotify voucher next time. The alternative is that they continue to waste their money, as who would spray on a scent they hate, or play a CD of squeaky-voiced pigs when they have plenty of other options available?

Where much younger people are concerned, the chances are high that we won't know their tastes (or not beyond the things they already have), and popular culture is very nuanced and fast-moving, so finding a suitable alternative that fits their taste is tricky at best.

No thanks?
No gift.
Sorted.

I would stop now. I did something similar for my nephews and nieces abroad, but never got a Thankyou,so stopped. They never mentioned it so neither did I.

No one likes being ignored, taken for granted, sidelined,
let alone disparaged, or even, ‘no good deed goes unpunished’

Astitchintime, you appear to be frustrated by this young lady’s
indifference, save yourself the uncertainty, she probably will not even notice and possibly be relieved.

I would also stop now.
I give my young 12 and 14 year old gc money, in cash, they still like cash and they thank me. Or mostly they just say ‘great, more money’.
I don’t like the idea of paying into an account, and would probably give vouchers instead. Bluewater is near by and their voucher can be used by most if not all the shops, so plenty of choice for the gc to choose.

I agree I wouldn't bother ....Just act normal when You see her next 🙂

No, I wouldn't give her anything, how very very rude of her to ignore you...

I send birthday premium bond money to my grandchildren.
Ten times their age.
It concludes at 18 with a one-off £1800. (Two down, two to go)
Christmas is different.
Everyone gets £50, parents included, to spend as they wish.
We are always away so don’t see them.
It seems best all round.

I would stop the gifts. If GD can't even be bothered to eg phone, text to acknowledge your gift I wouldn't be bothered to give one.

4allweknow

I would stop the gifts. If GD can't even be bothered to eg phone, text to acknowledge your gift I wouldn't be bothered to give one.

It is my OH's niece, not my GC. The GC always phone, text or visit and we always get a big hug when they thank us.

I’d stop at 18 . I also think that transferring money into an account is tricky as the recipient may not get notification of the transaction.
I send gift vouchers to my nieces and nephews, my sisters ac text me a thank you but my brothers kids who are teens never thank me . Because I have to post the items , I message my brother to see if they’ve arrived and he thanks me on their behalf!!! . He then makes an excuse that they’re busy 🙄.