Stuck

I understand your reluctance to drive I am the same. Why can your son not pick you up, or at least visit before Christmas even without the others he could take presents back with him. Adult children just don't think nowadays too busy in their own lives. I do hope you get to see him. I hope you have some lovely neighbours to rely on. Maybe try and get an appointment with your GP about you depression there is a lot to deal with in this modern world. Take care spoil yourself with some nice chocolates.x

I think you are wise to want to avoid the M62. It is, as you say, a very busy motorway.

If you do want to go, then, as others suggest, look into using the train and perhaps a taxi to and from the stations. You say you have gifts to take, but unless they are big and bulky would you be able to pack them into a wheeled suitcase - this would make transporting them easier.

Perhaps, though, arrange an after Christmas get together when it’s not as busy and when the weather begins to improve - the M62/Pennine run can be horrific in poor weather conditions, as you will know.

Whatever you decide, make sure it’s the decision that is right for you. 💐

Haven't read all posts but if could explain your fears to your son maybe meet half way in a family friendly environment and exchange gifts have a little lunch would that satisfy everyone's needs at all xx good luck

I live near you and in your position I would take the train or coach from leeds to Manchester if you want to visit. You can use your railcard / bus pass . All very doable to be honest and not too stressful. Message me if you want more advice? Then get tram or bus or get your son to pick you up.
Good luck

At age 79 I think it is perfectly reasonable you don't want to do that drive! My sister has moved to Wales and no longer drives. We have another sister with a Learning disability who wants to visit for Christmas. A young nephew will be taking her down and she will be getting a taxi back with my other sister as her escort. This costs £300 but comes out of her benefits and is well worth it. I am awaiting a knee op and there is no way I'd want to do the drive either!

Thanks Aveline 🤗

Firstly, you are normal! It's quite sensible to be apprehensive at your age and with your various conditions. Secondly, it's great that you understand your son's situation so well. Give yourself credit for crystal clear self awareness. As I said in my previous post, maybe you don't have to put yourself through this. Stay at home and let them come to you when life has calmed down a bit.

Thanks again all, I laughed at the walk in park of m25 cos it’s true (I am a Londoner) the M62 is a main lorry thoroughfare, thundering through and because the only transpennine route linking big cities with turn offs that would take you to Wales, Cheshire or Liverpool at a flash no turning back. The fuss over relatively poor transport in the north is not exaggerated and the junctions are ever changing their numbers and constant road works and accidents) it’s stressful, which I used to just accept but now can’t.
Physically there apoears nothing wrong with me I am tall strong and fast ( all that dog walking) it’s a mental thing. The physical risk of rupture of aorta is very low, yearly checks show no growth for seven years when it was seen, blood pressure kept low, not notifiable at this size, it’s psychological and perhaps a bit of an excuse. Genetic testing showed no signs of any familial condition. I had a gran who had agoraphobia it feels a bit like a form of that. I don’t have any desire to travel except to the parks and woods everyday with my dog. Which I love and is essential. People think I’m normal and want to travel, as I used to, but I’m not. So I think that is the heart of the matter. Which many of your your replies have made me see.
I think it’s the fear of confusion and speed in unfamiliar places that has hit me hardest. I think that is where age comes in, in the same way as youth is careless and speedy and they don’t think anything will happen to them, as you get older with a backlog of medical conditions, cancer, broken bones, it is the opposite, slow down, I can see lots of danger, mortality is a reality. Staring in our face.
As someone here wisely said my son has more than enough to cope with. The effects of myotonic dystrophy are are deep, the very last thing he needs is a mother showing any weakness. Dil sadly has always seen me as a threat for his attention which is why I step back . She is an exceptional mother and the girls are all happy. Life is strange. She declines any help from me. Never acknowledges gifts, doesn’t want them I don’t think she wants me to visit it’s very complicated and perhaps I have to accept it’s one day at a time because I can’t see the future getting easier. So I’ll just be grateful for the present and, thanks to you lot, forgive myself for not being braver.

I would send the presents by courier and facetime your family over Christmas.. Then when the weather improves in April I would have a trip over there by train and stay in an air bnb nearby.. Your poor DIL sounds like she needs masses of help.. perhaps you could give her a break for a couple of hours when you go..
I would not risk driving and wonder if you should at all..

I refuse to drive after dark and use public transport whenever possible.
I don't travel far at Christmas. Been there, done that and it's horrible.
The roads are packed and there are often delays.
Save driving for the better weather.
Stay at home. Post the gifts and talk to everyone on facetime/WhatsApp
Or if you must go, go by train.

Sorry to hear of the health problems in your family. That must be very hard.

I have decided not to drive at night. Over the past few years, day or night, I always drive to the children’s houses, to save them the trouble of packing kids, nappies, bottles, change of clothes etc. Now that they are all older, 6+ , they should cone to me, if they want to see me. That’s my NY Resolution..

My sympathies, We are the same age, I see , and I dislike motorways, especially if there are circular bits. I think that many of we older folk lose confidence without at first realising that it is disappearing.

Would love to add something really helpful but cannot. Maybe you can be guided by other posts and travel by coach;

I, too, live alone and I send you my very Best Wishes for Christmas and the New Year.

I'm with Aveline here: do you actually want or need to go? Their health situation sounds very stressful and they may be relieved not to have to make the necessary effort to have other family members over. You could invite them after New Year perhaps, that period when it all seems a bit boring and it would be nice to have something to look forward to. You really shouldn't make yourself drive in conditions that stress you our, that is when you are likely to have an accident. We all have to accept that we can't do some things that we used to do, it's part of getting older and best to accept it gracefully and work round the problem. I hope you manage to sort things out.

You could try passenger assist to help you travelling by rail. I had a look & it doesn't seem to be exclusively for disabled people. They will help disabled, older or less mobile passengers with their luggage & help you navigate the station in circumstances where you've not had to use public transport much & aren't very confident.
Then give your son a ring once you're sure when you'll get there & he could pick you up .

I know the M62 a little and it’s certainly not my favourite road. It makes the M25 look like a golf buggy ride through a park!

I’d second the suggestion of a taxi at both ends with a train for the Leeds/Manchester part. My dd lives in Leeds and often goes to Manchester to see a friend. She almost always goes by train.

Having to tote presents can be solved by posting them or using a carrier service. Then you only need to carry your personal effects with you.

As you say it isn’t far, is there a reason why your son can’t pick you up, and take you home after your visit?

Quite honestly, I know how you fee about driving as I am reluctant to go on motorways now as the traffic has increased so much and some drivers seem to take risks which put others in danger.
The roads are going to be extra busy this coming weekend too.


Another thing though, have you told your Car Insurance company that you have an Aneurysm? You might find they want you to amend your Insurance, just a thought that you might not have contacted them.
Yes, they need to know.

A train and taxis after Christmas might be better.

Seriously, do really want to go at all? This is a busy and stressful time of year for everyone and the family you'd be visiting doesn't sound very relaxing.
How about a quiet Christmas at home and they maybe drive over to visit you once the Christmas rush is over?

I don’t know the M62 but my local motorway is the M25 which is a nightmare. Day and night, and it’s unavoidable wherever you need to go.

Where on earth did that post come from Hithere?

I can sympathise with you and quite understand that you don’t want to drive.

Another thing though, have you told your Car Insurance company that you have an Aneurysm? You might find they want you to amend your Insurance, just a thought that you might not have contacted them.

A taxi sounds a good idea.

You say you do not want to use public transport because of carrying presents, but feel you do not want or need a driver. You do not mention cost as a problem.

This is where you are going wrong. You do need a driver, whether you want it or not, so compromise. Get a taxi or hire car there and return by public transport, unless you are givenso many prrsents you need a car on the way home as well.

Silly to spoil your Christmas because you have a pointless objection to the obvious answer to all your problems.

No Hithere I don’t dislike her I feel for her deeply. She doesn’t like me. Which does make things very difficult.
Jeanathome where is the message? Can’t see it🙁
And thanks to you all for removing my guilt a bit. Guilt about feeling useless. The gransnet hive-mind is very valuable to me.
I will be having Xmas with my daughter, they might come over, I know daughter doesn’t want to go there, it’s all about wanting everything to be alright nobody upset, no longer being able to act autonomously any more. We all do our best and sometimes it’s not good enough as a father in law of mine once touchingly said.

Op

You are doing the right thing not driving

However - your dil - she has enough on her plate
You clearly do not like at all and want to spend Xmas with you? Unrealistic

Another case of making her the devil and your son an angel?

You are being very sensible and realistic. I know what you mean about the M62 and its various junctions. Sticking in the inside lane can easily find you going off too soon where it divides, or hassled by traffic joining from a slip road. Given your health condition and anxiety, you are wise not to drive.
Could you go by train, book passenger assist, and get a taxi each end, if a taxi all the way is not possible?