Friend of 30+years

She is using you, but if you are generally happy with that and feel you get something from the friendship, I’d carry on.
But what you describe sounds so one sounded , you sound like her counsellor- and the phrase that got me was she never offers to pay for anything.

Friendship works both ways. This seems to be you doing all the running.
I would leave it and see if she contacts you.

Friendship is a two way thing.

She just wants you to listen, listen, listen but not give her any answers or suggestions to solve her problems. I have a sister like that - it's draining.

Tuskanini

You knew she had a ‘thing’ about visitors to her home. You even suspected it might be a mental health issue. Yet you just HAD to prod it!

Tuskanini

Sometimes, it just has to be done , you listen & listen & then act .
It could of been the point where the axis of her world turned & she looked at things differently 🤩
But whoops 😬 it just swivelled back 360degrees. oh well

I have a friend like that I have known for 50+ years. She will come to mine 2-3 times a week and stayes as long as I let her. I always have to say right that is it and get up or she would just stay forever. Yet she only ever asks me to her house once a year and this is to help with preparing a buffet for a party of 20 as she can no longer doing that by herself. The strange thing is, that she is very quick to invite anyone else she hardly knows for a cuppa as she is very lonely. She knows I would not dream of just dropping in,. I like an invitation, She would drop in at mine and used to until I stopped that as it became almost every day. Now she knows we have to agree a time and day before she comes. My friend is best just one to one, in groups she just sits and listens until she can single someone out and then she will start a conversation with them, despite another conversation going within the group. I think my friend is on the spectrum, but often wonder shy I do not get an invitation to hers now and then. It is strange way to have a friendship, but it works in a way, so I just accept it for it is. She is kind, gentle and well liked because she always sits on the fence and never voices an opinion in a group setting. She was brought up not to be seen nor heard and that is totally ingrowed in her. Our friendship is precious because we go so far back and have shared so many both good and less good periods. There is no one else around us now that either of us know with whom we can go back 50+ years.

I think we maintain friendships because as much as giving of ourselves we also receive, which encourages us to continue. 30 years is a long time to sustain such a relationship if you have been the one always doing the listening and the “giving”.
How valuable is the relationship to you? Only you can judge?

Maybe it's because you are adept socially, a good empathetic listener and a thoughtful hostess with excellent culinary skills! She may feel intimidated and not able to meet your standards, even if you don't expect her to. I would carry on meeting on neutral territory until you feel the need to let the friendship go. I don't understand why you pay for every thing when you meet up. Is she struggling financially? If not then I think not paying her share would get to me in the end.

Leave her be. Time sometimes heals, if the friendship is mutual. She seems lonely but can't deal with the truth, probably thought no-one had noticed the lack of invitations, and is now mortified by your kindly meant words when she was expecting something else. Just send her a message now and again to say if she wants to meet up in town for a coffee to let you know. Extend an olive branch by all means, but don't allow yourself to feel guilty. You seem to have made the majority of the effort in the friendship, now it's her turn to show you she values your friendship ( or not)..

There must be something you like/liked about her for you to put up with her for so long. Perhaps the friendship has just run its course for both of you.

I have heard people like her described as 'emotional vampires'.

In my experience people who ask for advice often do not want it unless it confirms their own wishes or views.

In this instance the advice you gave was obviously not what your friend wanted to hear.

Either you ignore the whole conversation, which judging from what you have said about this friendship may well be what the woman is most comfortable with, or you apologise.

Either way may well end the friendship, but it might open the way to a better understanding between you both.

Maybe try a new.place.for.coffee. lots of reasons why people.arent happy having visitors. It could.be social.anxiety, or hoarding, or disrepair, or her husband doesn't like visitors and wasn't happy back 30 years ago, I've met men like that, and if someone came round he would make it unpleasant for her as well as the visitor. He could be abusive and she never knows if he'll throw a tantrum and throw things or break things .

I had a friend like that and we parted company back in 2016. I was ill and she never got in touch. Never heard from her since. Yet it was always me running about after her. I moved on but I do occasionally miss her.

You can only accept your friend for the way she is, and she won’t change now, if indeed she ever could have. You don’t invite people round for a meal or coffee in expectation of a reciprocal invitation I’m sure. You do it because you enjoy their company and enjoy feeding them. She is probably all too aware that she can’t cope with visitors and that she has enjoyed your hospitality all these years without being able to invite you into her house. It may be grubby and stuffed to the gunwales with junk or it may be neat and pristine, but the fact is she can’t ask you round and she is probably very aware of the inequality. I don’t see her as ‘a taker’, I see her as a lady with a problem who is unable to return your invitations. She’s unlikely to be oblivious to your generosity.

Why don’t you ask her out for coffee and then afterwards extend an invitation for lunch or something at your home? Get back to how things were if possible, and don’t mention the lack of invitations from her again. She can’t help who she is and who she is has been good enough for 30 odd years hasn’t it?

My parents never had anyone in their house, except family, and they never visited anyone else's house, except family. My husband was nearly as bad, although he did have two or three friends he would visit at home. My autistic grandson loved lockdown because there was no need for him to go out and see anyone. Now he is 18 he has problems meeting the couple of friends he has, He likes to see them and they like him, but getting out to meet them anywhere is an enormous undertaking and I can't remember when he last had them at his house. But he does feel very isolated if he doesn't see them. Not having any friends is very hard.

I am wondering why you asked her to do something that, after 30+ years of friendship, you knew she wouldn't be happy with.

You knew she had a ‘thing’ about visitors to her home. You even suspected it might be a mental health issue. Yet you just HAD to prod it!

All take and no give is not friendship - it's using. Her reaction was over the top, so perhaps in some way she feel you owe her all that and a bag in which to put it. And she probably has never even suggested paying you back some of the expenses for the stuff you made for her / bought for her.

If you still want her as a friend I like the suggestions above of coffee in a neutral place and see how it goes. If she brings up you coming/not coming to her house I'd say "I can see it isn't right for you" which is recognising the issue but not apologising.

Your friend won’t change, if you love her then carry on being her friend she obviously needs you more than you need her but friendship can be like that, I would agree she is on the spectrum and finds life in general difficult, some of us navigate life better than others

You know exactly what this person is like and it seems you understand her to a large extent. She obviously has problems and perhaps you are her only 'friend'. If you want to maintain this relationship then you know it's up to you to take the next step. You don't have to apologise for giving advice she asked for but could maybe go as far as saying you're sorry she got so upset about what you said? Invite her for coffee as usual and see what happens - or just let it go and probably not see her again.

Sometimes we just outgrow friendships especially old ones.. I would wait for her to contact you and suggest taking it in turns to pay for coffee. It's just more adult.. and I wouldn't say anymore about visiting her home.. this friendship is not equal

I agree with Barleyfields

I've had several' friends' like this over the years (I am now in my 60's) as I am a very empathetic person and always tried to be 'nice'. However a few years ago my health declined as my arthritis worsened. As I work full time still everything became much more of an effort for me. It was as much as I could do to keep the house going, go to work and maintain family relationships. I confided in my daughter how guilty I felt about these 'friends' as I could do much less. She sat down with me and made a n actual list (!) of all I'd done for them and what in turn they'd done for me over years and it was an eye opener! Even when my marriage broke up and I was struggling I realised they gave me little or no support and just expected me to help them out etc as I'd always done! I realised I'd been a mug. There was no dramatic ending to these friendships, I didn't contact them for meetups and when I had to refuse help a few times ( genuinely due to my arthritis) they stopped asking. I have cultivated a few new friendships, put in boundaries as to what I will and won't accept and am so much happier.

Don’t apologise.
Offer to meet for coffee as others have said at a coffee shop …
It’s her, not you!