Grandparents of the internet please help!

Stressedmama2025 I'd be very wary of her " helping out" when you have ante-natal appointments, if it means you leave your son with her when you go.

So many warning signs here, and the reaction of your father-in-law seeing nothing wrong with her behaviour just makes it more alarming.

Take onboard that not one poster has said her behaviour is reasonable or acceptable ☹️

Put her in a timeout. If a grown adult must act like a toddler then treat her like one. You enjoy a nice break to grow that baby.

Esmay

I think that your mother in law has serious mental health issues .
Her behaviour isn't normal .
I think that you have to challenge her and not accept it even if it means a major row and possible estrangement .

I fully agree.
Your MIL needs help.Just keep your child and yourself away from her for your own sake as well

Time you and your partner realized that this GM will never change - she wanted skin to skin .......WHAT!!!!??
Swatting your hands out of the way as you tend your infant , snatching him from the your breast , you must know this is not normal behaviour. She may have ' improved ' however she is clear slipping back into old habits. Her behaviour is bizarre and you will never be rid of her unless you move a long way from her , she is mentally ill. I recognize how difficult this is for you and your partner but you must get away from her. Apologies for being so blunt but your story has
astounded me- it is almost impossible to believe. I repeat she will not change , what happens next is determined by the action you now take - stay or go . Good luck , be brave and move away.

I think that your mother in law has serious mental health issues .
Her behaviour isn't normal .
I think that you have to challenge her and not accept it even if it means a major row and possible estrangement .

Not as bad a situation as you but I put up with a controlling mil who clearly wanted to be mum not grandma for years as I didn’t want to deprive my children of their paternal grandparents. If ever I dared say anything she would walk out and sulk. I found myself on tenterhooks all the time. I often wonder if I did the right thing. I cannot give you advice but you have my full empathy.

“I understand you’re upset, but calling me controlling/cruel because you’re not getting your way is completely inappropriate. We’ll try again in a few months.”

They seem to think that verbal abuse is acceptable. Absolutely not. They don’t get to throw tantrums when told no. Nope.

They need to sort themselves out. You shouldn’t have to deal with this behaviour from grown adults. Ridiculous.

Stressedmama2025

**Madmeg & skye17**

We honestly love her to bits and we dont want to split anyone up!

Weve just said fine thats ok, we’ll stay away but that means so is grandson. You cant have it one way and then not the other, if you can finally see why I got upset with the swatting & pushing. Then were still here and so is your grandchild, we dont want to cut any ties but perhaps a bit of space this week or two is the best solution. Maybe weve spent too much time together’

Weve left it at that, we dont want any breaking apart :/ we just want to be respected and have the same good relationship weve all worked so hard to have since that big blow up we had over a year back. Its avoidable if she accepts she cant be pushing me about :/

Sounds reasonable.

I just dont know what to say to her, I could be polite but she’d ignore. If i say polite and bluntly I’m cruel, If i put my footdown I’m controlling

Possible replies:
" It is not "cruel" to state clearly to you what our boundaries are. It is up to you whether you respect our boundaries but if you don't then this is what the outcome will be ......."

"I am putting my foot down because you are not respecting our boundaries. That is not controlling; I am just reminding you that that is our boundary. It is up to you ...."

.

*Madmeg & skye17*

We honestly love her to bits and we dont want to split anyone up!

Weve just said fine thats ok, we’ll stay away but that means so is grandson. You cant have it one way and then not the other, if you can finally see why I got upset with the swatting & pushing. Then were still here and so is your grandchild, we dont want to cut any ties but perhaps a bit of space this week or two is the best solution. Maybe weve spent too much time together’

Weve left it at that, we dont want any breaking apart :/ we just want to be respected and have the same good relationship weve all worked so hard to have since that big blow up we had over a year back. Its avoidable if she accepts she cant be pushing me about :/

Oh dear me. I simply cannot imagine what this woman's idea of grandparenting is. Any mature GP would know that it is not their place to take over from a parent unless it is necessary/wanted/agreed. To remove a baby from its mother's breast is plain CRUEL.

I can't imagine any of my friends behaving like this. Any. The golden rule for GPs is DO NOT INTERFERE.

I think you sound very well balanced OP in your approach and she is very lucky that you are.

Stick to your guns. The child is yours.

This sounds very difficult. I admire the way you have persevered in the past and built things up again with her.

Re the last incident: there is no way she should swat your hands out of the way or push you. You said you and your husband have been told to stay away, but assuming that doesn't last, could you and he work out what to do if your MIL behaves unacceptably again? E g, he could say, 'It's not OK to act like that' to her, then your family gets up and leaves? This could be followed by a period of lower contact than usual.

If every boundary violation is followed by a period of not seeing her grandchildren, or not much, this might cause her to think before acting.

Madgran77

* I was sorting my son yesterday trying to get his coat off and sit him down, out of nowhere she swatted my hands out of the way and pushed me out of the way and my partner saw my face changed and had to pull me away as I very almost shouted at her in-front of a very busy restaurant. Its just upsetting me as I was so happy to have their help and iv appreciated them so much! But the swatting my hands and pushing was just a line that didn’t need to be crossed and Its just unacceptable and she cant seem to understand why i would be annoyed*

I think your partner pulling you away was completely the wrong response. It enabled her behaviour yet again. Your response did not have to be "shouting at her"! An alternative would have been, said clearly firmly and asserively looking her straight in the eye:

"Do not swot my hands away and push me. I am getting my son ready to sit at the table. I do not need or want you to take that over. Please sit down and wait until I have finished getting him ready". Hold your son gently but firmly and lift him well away from her

Alternatively of course your partner could stop enabling his mother by stepping straight in and saying clearly and firmly "Mum don't do that please; what ARE you thinking pushing her like that? Stressed is sorting him out. Sit down and leave her alone*

So what if she makes a scene. Who cares where it is either. If a scene happens it is HER to needs to change her behaviour NOT you who needs to accept it!

As a follow up there needs to be a clear planned conversation about what happened previously, that much as the last year has been appreciated there must be no repeat of the past problems and the ball is in her court!

I wouldn’t even say I was angry, I really held my tongue back on her and she did it I said ‘oh whatever’ but It was purely a reaction to her swatting me and pushing.

Im more upset and hurt than anything, I have absolutely no ill feelings towards her. But I cant seem to get her to see eye to eye, or accept that motherly role stops and ends with me. Her motherly role ends with her own children. I dont mind the occassional ‘oh DS did that when he was a baby, we had to do this’ etc, that doesnt bother me at all. But when the ‘we had 3 kids, we know better’ comments come in. Or I get trodden on it just reignites fires we put out and kept put out.

We love all, all of us do. Our son loves her to bits. She taught him to shout yoohoo when he wants something and I quickly stopped that and said yes that’s easy to say, but its not the right way to ask for things, please encourage him to say excuse me or say names Mummy/daddy/grandma/grandad etc’

From what iv understood his dad may have tried giving my partner the tough talk this morning about our son and when were with them. In short he’s told his dad, “whether were at yours, ours, her parents or in public the same rules apply. If shes sorting him out or she’s trying to calm him down when he’s upset let her deal with it. He gets confused when someone else in interfering and how she deals with should be mirrored when he does it with someone else..”
But as per his parents hate being told no, iv been called a control freak, said I never let his mum have any say or spotlight and have now got in a strop and told us to stay away unless we’re dropping our son off to see them. Well suits me as he wont be going if they want to call me names and undermine me!

* I was sorting my son yesterday trying to get his coat off and sit him down, out of nowhere she swatted my hands out of the way and pushed me out of the way and my partner saw my face changed and had to pull me away as I very almost shouted at her in-front of a very busy restaurant. Its just upsetting me as I was so happy to have their help and iv appreciated them so much! But the swatting my hands and pushing was just a line that didn’t need to be crossed and Its just unacceptable and she cant seem to understand why i would be annoyed*

I think your partner pulling you away was completely the wrong response. It enabled her behaviour yet again. Your response did not have to be "shouting at her"! An alternative would have been, said clearly firmly and asserively looking her straight in the eye:

"Do not swot my hands away and push me. I am getting my son ready to sit at the table. I do not need or want you to take that over. Please sit down and wait until I have finished getting him ready". Hold your son gently but firmly and lift him well away from her

Alternatively of course your partner could stop enabling his mother by stepping straight in and saying clearly and firmly "Mum don't do that please; what ARE you thinking pushing her like that? Stressed is sorting him out. Sit down and leave her alone*

So what if she makes a scene. Who cares where it is either. If a scene happens it is HER to needs to change her behaviour NOT you who needs to accept it!

As a follow up there needs to be a clear planned conversation about what happened previously, that much as the last year has been appreciated there must be no repeat of the past problems and the ball is in her court!

Unfortunately yes it was me! I took a lot of advice on board we managed to get the medium agreement.

We learned what to acknowledge and what not to. We took a lot of the advise and found a lot of it really aided us to get that middle ground between us all.

We’ve managed just over a year of the happy medium, we made such good progress in the relationships and she herself worked really hard at mending it with me firstly as she knew unless she did then the contact with our son would be very limited.

Theres been a few things and my partners nipped them in the bud, as soon as i fell pregnant again she got a bit ahead of the plan and we sat her down and said thank you, we appreciate it but this is our decision not yours, i know thats upsetting but thats the way things will be. She accepted that. But then just last month or two shes done things and said things and its been pretty questionable and weve brushed some off as excitement to be retired and then some of it has been really passively controlling. We address the most of it. But as I say above swatting me out of the way is just unacceptable and I wont be treat like that by her or anyone from my own family for that matter!
I just dont know what to say to her, I could be polite but she’d ignore. If i say polite and bluntly I’m cruel, If i put my footdown I’m controlling. I just can’t win and its really hurting me as I dont want to cut her from my sons life! Shes his grandmother she loves him, but she has no right to swat me out of the way or dismiss me in any shape or form

silverlining48

Have you posted before about this situation. I remember a similar problem a year if so ago. If so then your mil has learned nothing. I am sorry. It seems you need to keep a distance as you did before.
If not it’s the same advice. Good luck. 😉

Yes, I thought this was an old thread revived.

Well this is just atrocious behaviour. Call it out for what it is. Then move or at least stay away.

When “they” want to see your children they can make an appointment where you decide the terms and conditions in the comfort of your own home.

Perhaps if, as I suspect, they are dyed-in-the-wool control freaks they won’t be so keen to be be at yours. Tough but worth it for your sanity and dignity.
Can’t help wondering about your partner -their son though?
I mean how could he have allowed things to go on in this way?

NonGrannyMoll

Move far away, don't give out your phone number(s) and try to create a new life which doesn't involve letting them in. Just do it now, eventually it will be too late - you'll turn around one day and see that the baby has grown up irrevocably affected by the behaviour of people who are not his/her custodians.

We don’t want to close the door on them as she is a very caring grandparent. Both of them are but she just seems to have a really really hard time differentiating between parents and grandparent.

It took a hell of a lot of trust building with her and Iv had to learn to ignore some things and address other bits. We haven’t ‘touch wood’ had any major blips or any fall outs at all, they’ve been a massive support with my appointments, so nothings happened that has threatened to upset the balance. And shes recently retired which has helped too. But little things are creeping in.

I was sorting my son yesterday trying to get his coat off and sit him down, out of nowhere she swatted my hands out of the way and pushed me out of the way and my partner saw my face changed and had to pull me away as I very almost shouted at her in-front of a very busy restaurant. Its just upsetting me as I was so happy to have their help and iv appreciated them so much! But the swatting my hands and pushing was just a line that didn’t need to be crossed and Its just unacceptable and she cant seem to understand why i would be annoyed :’(

Dont get sucked in.

Move far away, don't give out your phone number(s) and try to create a new life which doesn't involve letting them in. Just do it now, eventually it will be too late - you'll turn around one day and see that the baby has grown up irrevocably affected by the behaviour of people who are not his/her custodians.

rafichagran

I find this hard to believe as well. If true why do you allow co text, the FIL verbally abused you, MIL snatches the baby when you are feeding, manipulative crying, how many times do you need to put up with this before you realise this is not a healthy relationship, for parents or the baby?
The skin to skin with MIL made me cringe. If you have to see these people make sure you put in boundaries, and ignore the manipultive crying, and never let your FILabuse you verbally.
I repeat this is a weird unhealthy obsession with their Grandchild.

Unfortunately VERY true and for some women its a regular occurrence. Sadly I’m apart of the numbers.

We seemed to find a balance for us all and shes gone backwards :/

You could gently remind her what happened before. Many new parents ask for time alone without visitors with a newborn - often a month. That probably wouldn't go down well but might take the stress off you for the first wee while?

Don't know where co text came from.

I find this hard to believe as well. If true why do you allow co text, the FIL verbally abused you, MIL snatches the baby when you are feeding, manipulative crying, how many times do you need to put up with this before you realise this is not a healthy relationship, for parents or the baby?
The skin to skin with MIL made me cringe. If you have to see these people make sure you put in boundaries, and ignore the manipultive crying, and never let your FILabuse you verbally.
I repeat this is a weird unhealthy obsession with their Grandchild.

Have you posted before about this situation. I remember a similar problem a year if so ago. If so then your mil has learned nothing. I am sorry. It seems you need to keep a distance as you did before.
If not it’s the same advice. Good luck. 😉