saying NO

V3ra

"Sorry that doesn't work for me."

Says all you need to say 🤷
Excuses and explanations aren't always necessary and other people aren't entitled to them.

I’ve only ever seen that expression on Mumsnet.

What I’d say is

‘Sorry, I can’t, I’m going to be too busy/tied up/I have other commitments.’

Or, depending on what it is, ‘Sorry, it’s really not my sort of thing.’

I used to be a people pleaser but thankfully grew out if it once in my sixties when I realised that I was constantly doing things I didn’t really want to do.
Just tell yourself you are not as important as you think you are, people really won’t care too much if you back out of things/say no.
They will get over it surprisingly quickly.
Practice small refusals first and don’t start waffling about the reasons why you are saying no. Say it and leave it at that.
Am happy to say none of my family or friends were horrified when I started to say no. Indeed quite a few probably didn’t even notice.
Just stop making it a big deal.
👍

I’m also a people pleaser so I’ve been having the same problem. As everyone has said it does depend on the circumstances. I found it really hard to start with and I would fumble for an excuse but now I just say no. I found it actually hurt me more to say it than the other person usually!! Though I must admit I often tell a little white lie and blame my DH!! Most people know he’s in poor health and so accept it. I also found I would get very angry and upset with myself when I agreed to do something I didn’t want to do that the awkwardness of saying no was actually far less stressful.

Btw, the people I usually say no to have usually never had a problem saying no to me on the rare occasion I have asked them!!,

Frankly I think a blunt “No” or “Doesn’t work for me” sounds rather rude when someone has taken the trouble to invite me.
I’m an assertive person and only do what I want.

“Thank you, I’ll have a look at in my diary/speak to my social secretary😁” etc, then find I can’t make it (even if I could) has worked well for me.

Manners cost nothing.

Saying No to people you love or like can be difficult. Don't be afraid of say No for fear of upsetting them as this is akin to being taken for granted. Saying Yes when you mean No may eventually lead people to taking advantage, or you feeling taken advantage of and bearing a grudge.

Just say, sorry, no that doesn't work for me at the moment . Sometime offering an alternative such as 'have you tried X, Y or Z' can soften the negativity, but don't over-engage in reasoning as sometimes there doesn't need to be an acceptable reason to the requester to do anything you don't wish to do.

As Seajaye says saying no to people close to you can be difficult I have always liked to be positive to people. Typical woman I guess wanted to cooperate with husband. But unfortunately it wasn’t always a good experience a no or I’ll get round to that later I am busy right now resulted in a response of don’t bother then or I’ll do it myself or similar statements and as a younger woman toed the line and gave in. How naive I was to open manipulation
I am now older and hopefully a little wiser

You always risk offending someone if you say no.

So, ask yourself, how important is this person to you? If they are casual acquaintances or the type who never offer to help you, then it doesn't matter if they are offended, does it?

Is their request reasonable? If not, just say no. You are not obliged to give a reason.

If you feel more comfortable doing so, then make a list of phrases you can use when applicable.

I'm sorry, I am hopeless at that.

I am afraid I don't have the strength to hold heavy things any longer.

I am dreadfully busy at the moment.

No, I cannot come to your place, could you bring those curtains here?I shall need my own sewing machine.

I find it easier to be honest when saying no to something, giving the real reason. Giving an excuse or being noncommittal will allow the person asking for something to continue to persuade a change in your answer.

“I cannot do it, this time”

“Actually I already have plans”

“To be honest, I’m not sure I want to/can do that”

Say something positive first such as” thank you for asking, (but sorry I can’t do that)”
Or “thank you for thinking of me, (but sorry I won’t be able to come this time)”.

Ditto

I'm a people pleaser as well but now have learnt to say - " Sorry I don't fancy doing that " in my mind it's not quite an outright No.

My recent response to an invitation was simply, "Thank you for the invitation, but X and I are not able to come". No reason or excuse necessary.

I often successfully deal with it by compromise -

I can’t be there to help you at 8 a.m. - but I could come at 2 p.m. if that helps?
(They have their own deadline and decline my offer).

Or - I can’t help you on Tuesday, but I could come on Wed.

So I am not refusing to help them - but offering help - on my own terms.

If an invitation. “Oh that’s really kind, but I’ve got something else on”.
If a request “I’m sorry, I can’t manage that. Have you tried….?”
Polite but no reasons given.

I learnt by postponing the decision. So, if I was asked to do/join/participate in something that I didn’t want to do and didn’t want to cause offence by being brutally honest, I’d say “Let me think about it. I’ve got your number (etc) and if I do want to go ahead I’ll get in touch”. And then give it no more thought.

I just say sorry I can’t. No explanation. People who know me already aware if I could I would.

The more you say no, using one of the responses given above, the easier it becomes.

Good luck~~~

Time for my often repeated mantra - if you never say no what is your yes worth.

I'd love to give you a glib, cure-all answer to the problem of saying no in a convincing manner but I've never found one. Some people have the knack of being blunt without causing WW3. I have no idea how they do it.

I have a selection of answers for this, as I am an eldest and was always being asked or assumed that I could take my sister with me, or do this and that on the way to something else. Then I would get very uptight as I hate being late for something I had promised to do. So here is a selection of ideas , some of which you might find worth trying, and I do think that when you are beginning to try different ways, it can be good to say out loud on your own the various comments or sentences you might want to use and then you can also get the tone of voice right too. We can say exactly the same sentence and yet get a different response depending on the tone of voice or the way we look when we say it. Not letting your voice rise, or sound angry but just normal, so that you sound as though you think this is very reasonable about the situation and expect no come back from them

So, an immediate reply ;- I am already doing something that day (this does not say sorry nor does it mean that you have to declare what this is. ) It could just be you want a time on your own or whatever.

Then ;- I'm not free that day, but I could help a bit on friday. - so you have offered help on your terms and clearly said you are not available on the original day. If you want to you could always go back and say that such and such was cancelled and you now could help on the original day

Another is ;- I am overcommitted at the moment with family things that I cannot change so unable to help this time.

Or ;- I havent been well and have got very far behind with many things including tax bills paperwork or whatever and am not free to offer any help until I get things under control.

Then ;- I am expecting to go to my (daughters/mothers/friends ) in .... days time and have too much to do to get ready.

If they continue to badger you, dont allow that to make you renage on your intentions. You could always get together with another friend who has similar problems and be there for each other . So in simple terms you just say I am out that day with Mary, or we plan to meet in York that day. Now that is the word PLAN. Stick to your guns and if she sees you on that day and you are not in York you simply say it was a shame as something came up and you have rearranged it for another day. Then that day can be whatever day you are asked for more help!!

So , if you are really fed up with one particular person constantly asking your help but never offering you any in return, you keep this up until the penny drops and she either starts to give as well as take or she just goes elsewhere and you dont miss her.

We are constantly expected - especially by men - to be superwomen who can work and pick up their glasses or look for something that they are perfectly capable of finding for themselves. So practise saying in a very even voice, Im very busy havent time to look for it. or the more usual "have you tried looking in the car" but whatever you do, do NOT go and look yourself. When they half look and then come whining I cant see it , then tell them the torch is in the left hand drawer and try again and while they are there please look for your glove while they are there. If they have the cheek to say they havent time to look for your things etc, the simple usual reply could always be WhY? what did your last slave die of? . If you wish to be less confrontional, another rather pleasing things is to listen to their woes on losing something, and commiserate, Oh thats a shame, but when they look expectantly for you to stop what you are doing, just carry on with your own task. That way, you have not refused to help , but you show that you do not see it is your job to sort their problems out. Or of course that one where you suggest 2 or 3 different things that you might suggest but under no circumstance do you stop what you are doing and just continue . When they moan again, you might say, Oh dear, you may have to go and buy another one. You are acknowledging what they are saying , but making it very clear that it is not your problem and you have no intention of doing anything about it. You need to keep this up for some time until they stop using you as a doormat and then on the odd occasion you feel like helping or you might have a good idea where something is you can look and then they should be more thankful, or alternatively set a time limit, so you say I have five minutes to spare but have to leave/cook/watch my programme/go out. Good luck, enjoy having a go at the different ideas, see which ones you enjoy doing and which seem to work well. Keep a little notebook privately and make a note about what you did, how you felt , and how well it went. Keep it private and then in a couple of months you can look back and see if or when you started to get different reactions. Let me know how you get on. It will be interesting to see which has the best affect. You will get some pleasant little laughs at the reaction when they get a total different answer to that they expected.

I agree. Also, you have to have a good memory if you make something up, because it's almost guaranteed that someone will have a follow-up question, even perhaps weeks later ("Did you enjoy the concert you said you'd got tickets for...?").

Why has GN stopped displaying the quotes I put at the beginning of some posts? No doubt it's me, but it's happened 3 times today.

NonGrannyMoll

Why has GN stopped displaying the quotes I put at the beginning of some posts? No doubt it's me, but it's happened 3 times today.

You mean like this NongrannyMoll