saying NO

My son who is a trained counsellor has long told me I’m a people pleaser who doesn’t say no so I end up doing things I really don’t want to do. He said don’t give excuses just say pleasantly “no, I’m sorry I can’t manage that” you can also add if you like “ I have something else on that day / time. He says you don’t owe anyone an explanation. I am trying hard to follow his advice and I am finding if I say “no” people then say oh, ok and that is that.

I can say no to friends, I can say no to my darling husband.

I cannot say no to our children or grandchildren, I am in all probability a lost cause…

It's hard for a life longer people pleaser to simply say No. But you can practice a few other responses: say " let me get back to you on that" i'll need to think about it" " hmm that's not going to work for me" " sorry that"s not my cup of tea" " am afraid i dont have the capacity af the moment" " no chance! Totally not my thing!" Just practice in small steps and you'll see the world keeps spinning x

SuperTinny - I'd have just phoned the other lady and said I'd changed my mind and did she want a lift.

Many years ago I knew someone who said 'no' all the time to just about everything........ asked to do a favour, invitations out etc. It didn't take long before the requests dried up.
But then came the moaning to me that others had got together but she 'hadn't been invited'.
I reminded her that was probably because she always said no! 'But I would still like to be asked in case I want to', came the reply.

I've always remembered that, and my stock reply when I don't want to do something has always been:

'Sorry, I'm not able to/I can't, I'd rather not on this occasion.
But thank you for thinking of me'.

I like to think that people will remember the thanks and ask another time, because I don't want to not be asked. I also occasionally do something I'd rather not just to balance things out if I'm aware I've said 'no' to too many things for a while.

That way you set some boundaries which will indicate to others that you don't mind being asked, but you won't always say 'yes'.

It has backfired on me though! I once declined to offer a lift to someone because I was genuinely not intending to go to the same event (it was also out of my way). I wasn't too bothered on the company of the people I knew were attending. But then someone I hadn't seen in ages, and liked, contacted me and asked why I wasn't going. 'Come on, it'll be fun' she said.

And I knew with her there it would be, but I felt too guilty to attend and didn't know how I would have looked the other person in the eye!

I am a people pleaser but I'm getting much better at also pleasing myself. Retiring has helped me enormously.
I have said no when I would have just said yes to avoid the possibility of hurting someone's feelings a few times lately and it's very empowering!
My advice would be start off saying no to the easy questions and then notice how it makes you feel and also notice how nothing awful happens.. you'll be hooked in no time 😃

I don't mind lying a bit if the real reason would be hurtful to the asker.

I don't think it's always possible to avoid causing offence by saying No so maybe you have to accept that on occasions, you will?

But surely, it depends on who is asking and what they are asking for?

As we grow older I believe our time becomes more precious and we're reluctant to waste it doing things we don't want or like to do.

... that could work as an explanation?

On the other hand, if a close friend or family member - or even a relative stranger in genuine desperate need - asks you to do something that will relieve them of a burden, then I think you have to say Yes. Not to be a 'people-pleaser', but because that kind of unselfishness is what makes the world a better place.

... unless of course the person asking is a serial 'user' in which case you will just have to say No, I don't want to and walk away accepting they will take offence and you might well feel guilty.

There's no formula really.

I posted a while ago about being asked to take on a chairperson role at a local club.

I refused.

The existing chair is carrying on, with support from others on the committee.

I know I could have done it, but just didn’t want to, and I refuse to get entrapped with stuff any more.

Saying no is really difficult :

A decade on and a family member still hasn't forgiven me for being unable to care for a grandchild .
I had my father to care for .
I tried a compromise - they could moved nearby .
I tried everything to help .
It wasn't just care of him it was cleaning a filthy house as well .
The family member , who looked after him was treated with such disrespect that she has moved 50 miles away and now has limited access to him .
She's actually heartbroken .

I've had to say no to church projects recently.
I did them up until New Year and the help that I was promised hasn't happened .
I was still working on them two weeks ago .

Big Peter Cook fan here too!

SueDoku

You could always use the great Peter Cook's reply, "Sorry, I'm watching television that night"...! 😄

Loved Peter Cook.
I also answer, in jest, “Sorry, I’m taking my library books back that afternoon”

Rula

It's taken me 60 years to be able to say NO, without some ridiculous meandering excuse.

Very liberating it is too and my friends and family still appear to like me!

Exactly the same for me.
Saying no didn’t actually bother anyone, wish I had started doing it earlier. All that agonising over having said yes to something I didn’t want to do or agonising over how to get out of it.

It's taken me 60 years to be able to say NO, without some ridiculous meandering excuse.

Very liberating it is too and my friends and family still appear to like me!

Oopsadaisy1

You say ‘ oh I’m so sorry but I can’t’ if they ask why just say it’s for personal reasons and then change the subject.

Don’t try to explain.

This is exactly what I say

I was always a people pleaser and used to tie myself in knots, and tell fibs, rather than upset anyone. But when my DH died I changed. I don't mean I became nasty and bitter but my own mortality and limitations became crystal clear, along with all the times I'd put other people first when, actually, few people had ever bent over backwards for me. I didn't realise how easy it was to politely say "no". It's quite liberating!

OK.

I'd still probably say something similar ... like "sorry I just don't fancy that - but I'll let you know when I do"

But it’s not just about requests. I have found recently that a friend walks over my plans for meet ups where I’m inviting her over to my house and she then decides we are going to meet up for lunch out. I think maybe this is what the OP is asking about.

I think the thing that works best is to say "Sorry I think that's probably a "no" but if things change I'll be sure to come back to you."

I learnt this at work.
And as a bonus if you later say "yes" it brings SO much happiness too!

Just be honest. If it is not convenient, say so. The more you do for people, they more they will take advantage of you.

You could always use the great Peter Cook's reply, "Sorry, I'm watching television that night"...! 😄

I was told never give an excuse because they can then question/argue about it. Just say no and change the subject.

It is difficult to say no. I spent years not being able to .
Nowadays if I can’t or don’t want to do something I just say ‘Sorry , not able to do that.’
My reason is nobody’s business.

I also do not feel compelled to to answer my doorbell if I do not know the person .

You could try saying "Can I have a while to think about it?"
Or, even better..."This doesn't work for me."
However, I find saying 'No' really difficult......

The church of England should learn to say no to Christians involved in abuse or covering it up The new archbishop knew about possible abuse by Liverpool Bishop But no one told him to leave Okay he could be innocent give him his job back if that's the case But any other job you wouldn't be kept in your job or moved to another job to cover things up in the workplace Why does the church protect it's vicars they should have compassion for victims shouldn't they