Missing family

Ask your children to make their own beds when they arrive and to take the bedclothes off on the morning they are leaving and put them in the dirty clothes basket or straight into the washing machine.

Catering? You have two choices here, either serve cheap meals, things like macaroni and cheese, mince and tatties etc. or ask them to contribute by paying for one meal.

I wonder if this is one of the cultural differences between the UK and Denmark ? My Danish family has always expected family that visited to help with housework, buy some of the food, or invite the hosts out for a meal, and certainly assumes that anyone over the age of 10 can make a bed, or take the used linen off it.

Don't you do this as a matter of course in Britain?

Speaking as someone with older GC, don’t expect them to stay like they are when small.

Our 20 year old GS now has a GF who he spends weekends with, and our 17 year old GD has a weekend job, plus social life, plus studying for A levels.

They are not that bothered about seeing us GP’s like they did when young. Times change.

You said in a previous post that you had moved several times and in 2020 you were living in Chislehurst.. did you move to the sea after that? The South coast is no distance from Clapham especially as there is a rail line to it.. I think it is probably something else that you are having difficulties with.. perhaps talk to a life coach?

Yes I agree that looking for a couple of places that are roughly halfway, where you could meet up. Do you have some particular places or things you enjoy/ So you might meet up at a NT place, or a garden centre. Do you like swimming in a pool? look around and I think that if the sea is not clean enough to swim in you could find a pool, where you might also meet some new friends.

It is easy to look through rose coloured spectacles, at what you left. If you really think about moving back, I suggest that you try spending a month in a b/b or flat in your old place, but go now or later in autumn or winter. Everywhere looks lovely in the summer and people are out and about but you need to try it out in a real way, when the weather is awful and see if you really do have anything worth going back. You also need to think that your grandchildren will grow up and do their own thing and you may not see a lot of them, so you really need to find what suits the pair of you, rather than relying on the family to provide you with company. it is best to really try something out for at least 4/6 weeks, or the holiday feel will give you ideas that may not be true once you move again.

We are moving to be closer to one of our daughters and GC but will be almost one and a half /2 hours away from our other daughters and GCs in London. However, they all encouraged the move. Right now we don’t live close to any of them.
We have no idea if this will work out but are excited about the area we are moving to which is on the South Downs. Am thinking that you are measuring your life choices by what the family think or how hard it is to put them up - I know this because when they visit us now they have to stay over. As others have said suggest a midway point between all of you, we have done this and all met up for the day. Or is it possible for you to travel to them and book into a b&b nearby for a night or two if you like your independence and comfort. We have also done this.
Only you can decide whether you want to stay or move but try alternative visiting options first.
All the best.

‘The winters seem long, wet, windy and grey’. Yes, that’s ’cos in Northern Europe they usually are - and worse if you’re not very happy or have health problems or feel, sadly, you might have made a bad life decision.

What a shame to leave a ‘lovely’ house. How do you know your kids won’t need or decide to move again? Your life is no longer enmeshed in their life!

Why not turn your arrangements around? Catering, hosting, all heavy on time and money. But you now have 2 small Grandchildren, so if you want to encourage a strong bond, why not also regularly visit them? Maybe if space is at a premium, stay somewhere cheap and cheerful nearby, offer some time with the children before their days are all tied up with school and activities, do some babysitting now and then - and when was that ever not welcome? Arrange their visits to you in advance and use your time and freezer capacity to prepare lots of good food for less cost. Free time without pressure doing batch cooking can free up so much time for more fun with your family.

And gradually work through and sort out your own feelings, don’t think negative stuff - life will all too soon arrive to remove the rug from under you. Look forward to planned get-togethers and impromptu meet-ups; maybe halfway between your home and theirs. It’s not difficult to put together picnics to share in a good park/Pub/green space somewhere.

Don’t just seize the day, but get hold of life by the scruff. Help yourself to feel happy and it will really make a difference.

You made the move for some good reasons.

I do find this time of life a bit confusing.
We retired/semi retired. I didnt see that coming. Then DH went back to work. Didnt see the timing of that either. We had considered moving nearer to where they are.
But meanwhile our kids are still moving houses.
It is such a changable time of life.
And unpredictable.

My son and family live 2.5 hour drive away. As well as visiting each other for weekends we occasionally choose somewhere approx half way between us and meet up for the day. We have a meal together then depending on the weather we have a couple of hours in a country park or an indoor play area.

My parents moved to a small seaside town when my dad retired. He had always dreamed of living by the sea. They also moved for similar reasons as their retirement income was woefully small and they made a bit of capital on the sale of their house in Bristol. Properties in the seaside town were considerably cheaper. They were happy enough for a while but encountered the same problems as you Debutante. It was bleak in the winter and found services limited particularly with my dad's deteriorating health. They weren't too bothered about a social life per se as they were content to go out for pub lunches together or take day trips in the car but it is true, it's very hard to make connections at that age. Eventually they moved back to Bristol as I think my mum realised she could be stuck there alone if anything happened to dad. She could drive and was a an independent spirit, but even so.

If we do decide to go back, which I think we will one day, I know it will have to be because we really want to live there rather than just to be near our family, for obvious reasons. We are both just debating whether we should think about it now or wait but we do worry about our health.

You're almost 70 currently, don't wait too long. Don't worry over the last move, you've had lovely visits. Prepare for your final move.

I understand how you feel. We moved to the coast 30 years ago. Now children are grown up and settled in cities. Move and move fast is my advice. My husband is 80 next year and disabled and he can't cope with the upheaval.

We had some good times here when the children were here and I had friends at work but now it is lonely. I love visiting the cities where my kids live. Living in a city gives you access to so many facilities.

Ignore the "didn't you think of it". Lots of people dream of moving to a little village or the coast and you don't know the reality till you try it. You tried for the dream but prefer home so go back.

Mine are up the road so to speak and I hardly see any of them. You have to do what’s best for you.

Clearly not enough! I’m seriously wondering if the pandemic dud something to my head! 🙃

Thanks for all your messages! Feeling a bit silly now but appreciate the honesty.
Yes, it is true I am frustrated in my marriage and not very happy but I’m well aware that we all have to make our own happiness and I rightly or wrongly made a decision to stay in the marriage.
We partly moved to the coast for financial reasons as we needed to release equity in our home for our retirement. We also thought it would be lovely for the family to have a seaside place to come on holiday to. They live in Clapham where it is very dense and crowded. I also thought it would be healthy for us as my husband has lung problems and I back problems from an accident in Italy when broke my back. My plan was to swim in the sea everyday and do lots of walking. We do lots of walking but unfortunately the sea is not clean enough those days as Southern water discharge sewerage regularly. The last time I swam I got a UTI. So much for that little plan! People still swim in it here but I’m not keen to take the risk now. Anyway, let’s just say the reality does not quite live up to the dream.
When I think back now I wonder how I could have ‘left’my gorgeous little grandson who was only 8 months old and who I had a very special bond with (we only lived an hour away then) And very unexpectedly my daughter had another baby and it’s harder to form a bond with my gorgeous granddaughter as I don’t see her enough. It hasn’t helped that a new couple moved in next door and I see her daughter bringing the grandchildren regularly to visit.
My daughters were hurt and angry with us for moving and I feel that is understandable but also unfair. I was born by the sea in Brighton and when I met my husband moved to London for work. We settled there, raised our family and worked hard to provide for them. I always wanted to live by the sea again one day.
Our family home in Bromley was a hub for their friends and ours, a very happy home for nearly 30 years.
My husband being in construction was susceptible to recessions so we could never get ahead enough financially to contribute to a decent pension. After the crash in 2008 we decided to sell the family home and have tried to make enough for our retirement by ‘flipping’ property. To ensure a fairly comfortable retirement we needed one more move to do this so we bought a house by the sea that needed modernising and thought it would be our forever home.
Our family visit regularly and we go up to them regularly. They do love it when they come but I know how much organising it takes for them in their busy lives. I feel guilty for moving away and making it harder for us all to see each other. It works but there has to be a lot of careful planning due to their busy lives. This applies to some friends too who have to stay over as 2 hours each way is too much in one day.
Clearly I didn’t think it through enough and made the same mistake a lot of retirees make. It’s brought it home to me too because I’ve had to be referred to Guys in London for gastrointestinal problems an easy trip if we’d stayed in Chislehurst.
If we do decide to go back, which I think we will one day, I know it will have to be because we really want to live there rather than just to be near our family, for obvious reasons. We are both just debating whether we should think about it now or wait but we do worry about our health.
Tried joining groups etc and yes have met people but it’s about meeting like minded people which isn’t always easy. Also, the friends we have made are always travelling so are not around much. They are estranged from their family and spending their kids inheritance!
Anyway, I suppose I just wondered if there was anyone out there in the same boat. It helps to ‘talk’ so thanks for all your comments!

Be careful what you wish for.
You have a life many would envy but is lonely.
You may find if you move back to be near family they have ever busier lives and less time to spare to see you.
Give it much thought before moving, or possibly buy a static caravan where you are and a flat nearer to family. Then you have a bolthole both ways.

crazyH

petra - you have a super memory 👌

CrazyH
I did 😂 But it’s all there in the search facility. The OP was very unhappy at the time she moved.

petra - you have a super memory 👌

I find the sea always makes my troubles seem very small. I visit it every day, just down the road.
But if it's not working for you due to other pulls, then why not sell up and move to where you'll be happier. You've tried, but nothing is forever.

Bellanonna

Apologies. I’ve just read that you’ve been there 4 years so will be aware of seasonal changes and things to do!

Debutante
It was about 4 years ago when you posted how unhappy you were in your marriage. You said that you have no feelings for your husband.
Did you move in the hope that things would change. In that situation you have only taken your troubles with you.

pascal30

You've had 4 years and don't seem to have established a social life. I would move back whilst you still have the energy and put that energy into finding something that really interests you.. as well as seeing your GC.. think long term

I agree.
Plus have a big family discussion.

I hear you btw, about catering, costs and bed changing!

Another thought: if it's only one family and they only come for a night or two, the beds don't need changing after every visit surely?

Debutante have you tried meeting up with your family halfway for the day? An hour's drive for each party could be more doable.

We've had some nice meet ups at a large garden centre where there's a soft play (which would suit your grandchildren), then had a good potter around the different departments together and lunch in the restaurant.

Other options might be a day at a National Trust property, or a country park in the summer for a picnic.

Have a look at a map and see what's there.

You've had 4 years and don't seem to have established a social life. I would move back whilst you still have the energy and put that energy into finding something that really interests you.. as well as seeing your GC.. think long term

I do understand Debutante. I have lovely views where I live but my ACs live a long way away so I don't see them as much as I would like.
I'm getting on for 80 now so I tend to travel to see them so no catering for me.
If they come here I take them out for meals and I only have one spare bedroom now so the only one who stays is one son who lives the furthest from me.
I've made things as easy as I can for me so I can see them as much as possible.

I hate to say it but this has probably occurred to you.Our DGC are a bit older and now starting hobbies .Ballet and swimming classes etc.Their parents are busy and would be less inclined to travel due to their own family commitments. Someone suggested they just could just come for the day but one of our DDs lives 1 1/2 hours away and tbh both them and us find that's far enough to travel there and back in a day.
I'm sorry you're feeling low about this.DH and I have often wondered what it would be like to move somewhere 'nicer' but decided friends and family on our doorstep meant in reality we would never do it.
Have a chat with your family. And hopefully you will feel better now spring is here ?
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