Missing family

Didn’t you think about these downsides before you moved?

It’s none of my business, and I don’t want to rub salt into your wound , but, why did you decide to move so far away from your family ? Did you want to move to a place near the sea ? You are under 70 - give it a couple of years and move back, that’s if your children are going to stay put.
I do feel for you.
But, and this is a big BUT - my sister-in- law moved to live near her son . It was a disaster ….

I would think the situation is going to get worse as you get older, harder to travel and cater for visitors.

Could you move back to the area your family live in?

I’m sure you moved to the coast for the best of reasons Debutante. You were fulfilling a dream and wanted to do it before you got any older. The family are only 2 hours away and could probably visit for a day especially as we move towards longer evenings. You could have a pub lunch - children are welcomed in most places now. It would certainly save you a lot of extra work. Admittedly they’re not just around the corner (but would you really want that?) You too can drive over to visit them.
I would see how you feel later on. It’s March now. Your area will feel different soon and hopefully you will enjoy the benefits of being by the sea.

And were you to move back who knows whether work demands might not mean that your family would have to move away.

I’d stay put. Join the nearest u3a or a walking group if that interests you. Wishing you happy days ahead.

Apologies. I’ve just read that you’ve been there 4 years so will be aware of seasonal changes and things to do!

Winters everywhere in the UK are long wet windy and grey...and quiet, if it wasn't for Christmas no one would ever see much of their families.
Why are you catering for them? Can't you help them to share the cost, or eat out? They could also help you with the bedding...
It sounds to me that living ith a view of the sea isn't the idyll you thought you were buying inot and that you now realise the people in your life are what really count.

I'm sorry it has taken so long for you to realise this! You can make some more choices now- have you asked if they would like you to move back?

Maybe your being by the sea gives them a place to come and visit they wouldn't otherwise have?

I think a family discussion is in order here...

I hate to say it but this has probably occurred to you.Our DGC are a bit older and now starting hobbies .Ballet and swimming classes etc.Their parents are busy and would be less inclined to travel due to their own family commitments. Someone suggested they just could just come for the day but one of our DDs lives 1 1/2 hours away and tbh both them and us find that's far enough to travel there and back in a day.
I'm sorry you're feeling low about this.DH and I have often wondered what it would be like to move somewhere 'nicer' but decided friends and family on our doorstep meant in reality we would never do it.
Have a chat with your family. And hopefully you will feel better now spring is here ?
.

I do understand Debutante. I have lovely views where I live but my ACs live a long way away so I don't see them as much as I would like.
I'm getting on for 80 now so I tend to travel to see them so no catering for me.
If they come here I take them out for meals and I only have one spare bedroom now so the only one who stays is one son who lives the furthest from me.
I've made things as easy as I can for me so I can see them as much as possible.

You've had 4 years and don't seem to have established a social life. I would move back whilst you still have the energy and put that energy into finding something that really interests you.. as well as seeing your GC.. think long term

Debutante have you tried meeting up with your family halfway for the day? An hour's drive for each party could be more doable.

We've had some nice meet ups at a large garden centre where there's a soft play (which would suit your grandchildren), then had a good potter around the different departments together and lunch in the restaurant.

Other options might be a day at a National Trust property, or a country park in the summer for a picnic.

Have a look at a map and see what's there.

Another thought: if it's only one family and they only come for a night or two, the beds don't need changing after every visit surely?

pascal30

You've had 4 years and don't seem to have established a social life. I would move back whilst you still have the energy and put that energy into finding something that really interests you.. as well as seeing your GC.. think long term

I agree.
Plus have a big family discussion.

I hear you btw, about catering, costs and bed changing!

Bellanonna

Apologies. I’ve just read that you’ve been there 4 years so will be aware of seasonal changes and things to do!

Debutante
It was about 4 years ago when you posted how unhappy you were in your marriage. You said that you have no feelings for your husband.
Did you move in the hope that things would change. In that situation you have only taken your troubles with you.

I find the sea always makes my troubles seem very small. I visit it every day, just down the road.
But if it's not working for you due to other pulls, then why not sell up and move to where you'll be happier. You've tried, but nothing is forever.

petra - you have a super memory 👌

crazyH

petra - you have a super memory 👌

CrazyH
I did 😂 But it’s all there in the search facility. The OP was very unhappy at the time she moved.

Be careful what you wish for.
You have a life many would envy but is lonely.
You may find if you move back to be near family they have ever busier lives and less time to spare to see you.
Give it much thought before moving, or possibly buy a static caravan where you are and a flat nearer to family. Then you have a bolthole both ways.

Thanks for all your messages! Feeling a bit silly now but appreciate the honesty.
Yes, it is true I am frustrated in my marriage and not very happy but I’m well aware that we all have to make our own happiness and I rightly or wrongly made a decision to stay in the marriage.
We partly moved to the coast for financial reasons as we needed to release equity in our home for our retirement. We also thought it would be lovely for the family to have a seaside place to come on holiday to. They live in Clapham where it is very dense and crowded. I also thought it would be healthy for us as my husband has lung problems and I back problems from an accident in Italy when broke my back. My plan was to swim in the sea everyday and do lots of walking. We do lots of walking but unfortunately the sea is not clean enough those days as Southern water discharge sewerage regularly. The last time I swam I got a UTI. So much for that little plan! People still swim in it here but I’m not keen to take the risk now. Anyway, let’s just say the reality does not quite live up to the dream.
When I think back now I wonder how I could have ‘left’my gorgeous little grandson who was only 8 months old and who I had a very special bond with (we only lived an hour away then) And very unexpectedly my daughter had another baby and it’s harder to form a bond with my gorgeous granddaughter as I don’t see her enough. It hasn’t helped that a new couple moved in next door and I see her daughter bringing the grandchildren regularly to visit.
My daughters were hurt and angry with us for moving and I feel that is understandable but also unfair. I was born by the sea in Brighton and when I met my husband moved to London for work. We settled there, raised our family and worked hard to provide for them. I always wanted to live by the sea again one day.
Our family home in Bromley was a hub for their friends and ours, a very happy home for nearly 30 years.
My husband being in construction was susceptible to recessions so we could never get ahead enough financially to contribute to a decent pension. After the crash in 2008 we decided to sell the family home and have tried to make enough for our retirement by ‘flipping’ property. To ensure a fairly comfortable retirement we needed one more move to do this so we bought a house by the sea that needed modernising and thought it would be our forever home.
Our family visit regularly and we go up to them regularly. They do love it when they come but I know how much organising it takes for them in their busy lives. I feel guilty for moving away and making it harder for us all to see each other. It works but there has to be a lot of careful planning due to their busy lives. This applies to some friends too who have to stay over as 2 hours each way is too much in one day.
Clearly I didn’t think it through enough and made the same mistake a lot of retirees make. It’s brought it home to me too because I’ve had to be referred to Guys in London for gastrointestinal problems an easy trip if we’d stayed in Chislehurst.
If we do decide to go back, which I think we will one day, I know it will have to be because we really want to live there rather than just to be near our family, for obvious reasons. We are both just debating whether we should think about it now or wait but we do worry about our health.
Tried joining groups etc and yes have met people but it’s about meeting like minded people which isn’t always easy. Also, the friends we have made are always travelling so are not around much. They are estranged from their family and spending their kids inheritance!
Anyway, I suppose I just wondered if there was anyone out there in the same boat. It helps to ‘talk’ so thanks for all your comments!

Clearly not enough! I’m seriously wondering if the pandemic dud something to my head! 🙃

Mine are up the road so to speak and I hardly see any of them. You have to do what’s best for you.

I understand how you feel. We moved to the coast 30 years ago. Now children are grown up and settled in cities. Move and move fast is my advice. My husband is 80 next year and disabled and he can't cope with the upheaval.

We had some good times here when the children were here and I had friends at work but now it is lonely. I love visiting the cities where my kids live. Living in a city gives you access to so many facilities.

Ignore the "didn't you think of it". Lots of people dream of moving to a little village or the coast and you don't know the reality till you try it. You tried for the dream but prefer home so go back.

If we do decide to go back, which I think we will one day, I know it will have to be because we really want to live there rather than just to be near our family, for obvious reasons. We are both just debating whether we should think about it now or wait but we do worry about our health.

You're almost 70 currently, don't wait too long. Don't worry over the last move, you've had lovely visits. Prepare for your final move.

My parents moved to a small seaside town when my dad retired. He had always dreamed of living by the sea. They also moved for similar reasons as their retirement income was woefully small and they made a bit of capital on the sale of their house in Bristol. Properties in the seaside town were considerably cheaper. They were happy enough for a while but encountered the same problems as you Debutante. It was bleak in the winter and found services limited particularly with my dad's deteriorating health. They weren't too bothered about a social life per se as they were content to go out for pub lunches together or take day trips in the car but it is true, it's very hard to make connections at that age. Eventually they moved back to Bristol as I think my mum realised she could be stuck there alone if anything happened to dad. She could drive and was a an independent spirit, but even so.

My son and family live 2.5 hour drive away. As well as visiting each other for weekends we occasionally choose somewhere approx half way between us and meet up for the day. We have a meal together then depending on the weather we have a couple of hours in a country park or an indoor play area.