Leaving kids behind

My boys are both 40. I could never leave the. X

If you get the impression your grandchildren feel insecure in such a scenario just make sure they understand they will always have a home with you. Just casually mention lots of times how much you are going to look forward to have them move in with you if they want to

Red70 - Are your d and sil excluding their children from their future plans? If so, introducing this discussion now when the younger will be focusing on her GCSEs and the older on A levels or something similar, is brutally heartless and de-stabilising for them. If they're raising this as a possibility that would include both daughters moving with them, at a convenient time after completion of university for the older and school life for the younger than that's a different story but the key is to be consultative and let your gds feel they have a say and are not being discarded and essentially, the family being broken up. If they are picking up their parents' hopes of vanishing to sunny climes and leaving them behind then they will both be in therapy before they're 30 - feelings of abandonment have lifelong implications.

I know of a couple once their Children had both finished University they moved to Canada leaving them behind.

It's apparent that we all think differently. Ofcourse I would give my DC and DGC a roof if ever they needed it but we brought them up to be independent and they all are.
Sometimes I am sad to have DS2 so far away in NZ and his family but we gave them wings when they left the nest and they flew!

I do think it's unsettling them unnecessarily talking about "maybe's" in front of them. But then, I dont know what they are like and am going by "how I would have felt" at 13.

Also the thing is, if you abandon your kids at the teenage stage there is no coming back from that . So when they have family of their own they will not look to you for love or support , nor will they feel inclined to offer support when you need it. My teenage daughters needed a lot of support during their uni years - one developed cancer during that time too . Their relationship with grandparents is also important .

That’s pretty awful to be honest and I would go so far as to say for the 13 year old it is emotionally abusive. How can a 13 year old process that kind of information? Of course she will be upset and apprehensive. This conversation should be kept between the adults for now . It all depends how close you are to your daughter and granddaughter. I’d certainly be having a few words with my daughter .

I think if you feel the children are worried about it you should reassure them that you will always be there for them and put a roof over their heads or help them find accommodation. Best wishes ❤️

Never could I ever desert my DC.
After Uni mine both came home, after relationship breakdowns and times abroad, they again came home. This is still where they can come home and so can my grandchildren as I've told them all, this is also their home. I enjoy the fact they feel free to come and go as they please. Never desert your children and they will always be there for you.
So, I suggest you make a pot of tea, sit your DD down and kindly and gently explain to her you are worried about the effect this is having on her DC.

An 18 and 23 year old will probably not care if parents move away. If to somewhere exotic they will like visiting on holidays. Today communication is so easy, if any problems they feel only parent can solve or they need help with they can contact almost immediately. When I think of it my 3 on leaving university went on world travels for years, one for 6 years. So I didn't abandon them, they abandoned me!

A couple I know sold up and went to live abroad and left their young single adult sons behind. The lady , their mum is now regretting it as she's missing them so now talking about returning home 5 years in .

My DSiL went abroad leaving their oldest child at university and he definitely felt abandoned.

It wouldn’t bother me. I will have a room in my house for my grandkids if any of them need a roof over their heads. They could be quite useful to have around.

I suspect the children will be given the choice. You’re an adult now.,,,, you can come with us or stay here. It won’t be such a trauma for them by then. The 23 year old will be ok. Many 18 year olds choose to travel for a gap year and then return. I have 3 grandchildren who have already lived in the Uk, Australia and Canada and the eldest is nearly 12. My job is to be positive and encouraging and support them. Also let them know I’m here for them. Your grandchildren are young with their lives ahead of them. Sounds like life will be exciting!

I can see that for you Red, this is something you dont like the idea of , for yourself. So are you putting your own thoughts into how you interpret how the children are feeling? As other have said it is a long time in the future and much may happen to alter their plans. You cannot really influence what they chose to do, it is their lives and their family. But you could show a calm and accepting attitude to the children, that all life is change. Some things we can influence others we have no chance to change, whether this is work or health or who knows what.

The best lesson to learn is to accept that nothing remains the same for ever, and to be prepared to go with the flow, learn as much as you can about the possibilities there are, and realize that whatever comes or goes, you will be strong enough to deal with it. Just think how the children have changed as they have grown. They would not want you to hold their hand across the road nowadays would they? But as little children they were taught things like that to keep them safe, until they were able to deal with it themselves.

Having lived abroad and in Britain, I think there is a lot of good things to be learnt from moving about. Understanding a bit more about the world and not assuming that the way you live in one place is the same for the rest of the world, learning languages and finding out new things, new friends, is all very worthwhile and gives you a wider view of things and of course, if you have learnt other languages and become a good speaker and writer you also have new opportunities in lots of places for interesting jobs.
So, if you can help them to look forward to new things, and at the same day, you will show them that you are their granny and will always be there for them whatever comes or goes, you will do them a favour, and I think at the same time help yourself.

Is it the fact that they are thinking of moving abroad or the fact that they talk about the idea in front of the children that concerns you?
What makes you think they are scared and depressed? Do you have need to feel devastated? That is a very strong word.

Unless it is being expressed in a way that implies that they cannot wait to get the children off their hands then maybe best not to worry about this.

It is 5 years away. Maybe the children like being involved in these discussions and see it as an exciting prospect for everyone.

Unless Red comes back and clarifies did parents say
a) We are moving abroad in five years and you’re not welcome to come so you’ll be on your own !!!
Or
b) We ll probably move overseas when you’re grown and leave school, and as adults or near adults it ll be up to you whether you stay here or come with us

I think it’s Red who doesn’t want her family leaving the country and is grabbing at 5 year hence straws
Why not wait and see because it’s not really your business unless the girls come to you saying how upset they are

My DH parents went to India where his DD went for work, taking their 2 younger DC when DH was 17.

He spent his final school year in a school boarding house and weekends at his DGP.
He loved it! He visited India twice for good long holidays. This was the 1960s.

When I met him, his family had recently returned after 6 years, but he never lived with them again.
He'd finished university and was working.

They wrote a lot of letters which I am finding as I go through boxes and trunks in my struggle to downsize.

I have never thought about him being abandoned. Now if he'd been a small child that would have been hard but he and these girls are adults.

My husband and I feel like we put in many years on our kids and we want to continue living nearby in their adulthood.

However, other parents feel like once they get the kids raised, their job is done and they are free to live for themselves again.

It is your daughter and son-in-laws choice, to decide what they want to do once their children are grown. This, just as the grown children have the right to move elsewhere if they wish.

It wouldn't be my choice and apparently wouldn't be yours either but it is their right. So I would stay out of it.

Also, I can see a benefit to their kids having plenty of time to get used to this idea rather than have it suddenly sprung on them when the time comes.

Spinnaker

I'd be having a word with your daughter. Does she think children stop needing their parents when they get to a certain age ? How thoughtless and hurtful - especially at a time when they're getting to grips with becoming young adults. Last thing they need is to feel abandoned.

I quite agree.

It seems somewhat tactless on the one hand but on the other hand how much time would a 23 year old and 18 year old want to be spending with their parents anyway?

The youngest could be off to university hundreds of miles away from home, not even returning in the vacation if she gets a job near campus. The older one could be settled with a partner. Part of me thinks it would make them grow up and learn to be independent a lot faster than a lot of young people seem to do now and that’s no bad thing.

And where would the parents be moving from and too? Assuming they are in the UK, are we talking France, Spain? Somewhere that can be reached fairly easily and quickly?

I agree with Bluebelle. though. It isn’t clear if the AC will accompany their parents. It would be odd for parents to say we are moving abroad and you are not welcome to join us. Maybe that’s the issue. Young people not liking the idea of leaving friends behind? But a lot can change in five years.

More information required.

Where does it say the children won’t be going with them Poster just says d and husband are openly discussing moving abroad in front of daughters 18&13 soon as youngest finishes schooling it is poster that says they are abandoning them They obviously want them to finish their schooling in UK but is she jumping to conclusions that they don’t mean the whole family is moving abroad when they finish ??? That’s not clear at all

It isn't the first time I've heard of people doing this- I know of a couple who went abroad as soon as their DD started uni.

I couldn't do it, that's all I know...

I'd be having a word with your daughter. Does she think children stop needing their parents when they get to a certain age ? How thoughtless and hurtful - especially at a time when they're getting to grips with becoming young adults. Last thing they need is to feel abandoned.