Leaving kids behind

You need to talk to your daughter.

As much as I know that they're very much independent by the age they're planning on moving abroad, at the age they are NOW it won't feel like it to them and THAT'S the issue.

This happened to two young sisters I know. They were told by Mum that as soon as they were 18 she didn't want them in the house. This was just before the eldest was taking her uni finals and she had a melt down unsurprisingly. All family offered her a home if necessary at any time and we take care to involve her in family news etc.

She did respond by getting a first class degree with honours in science, won a prestigious prize, and 2 months later was off to Indonesia to organise teams to bring business to outlying communities. Then she is off to Iceland to start her masters. She has rallied magnificently.

So on a sample of one, I would suggest providing support, and a listening ear, somewhere to go if needs must. The best revenge is then for those abandoned to do really well, as best as they are able.

My parents moved abroad with my father's job when I was 17. I chose to stay in the UK. I stayed with my Grandmother till I married a few years later. Not a problem. These daughters may take the same view when the time comes.

I know a lot are saying that by the time they are 23&18 they will not need parents, but a 13 year is unable to grasp that concept yet
Exactly 62Granny.

And the older girl, knowing that the younger will then be the age she is now, may be concerned she'll be expected to take some sort of responsibility for her.

Red I think you should mention to your daughter & husband that the girls seem, to you, to feel unsettled by the talk of leaving.
You could suggest they discuss their ideas when the girls are not there and/or talk about what the girls' living arrangements could be too.

Saying it’s not your business is really harsh I think. Emotions don’t have a cut off point. Have some empathy if nothing else

But everyone is making up their own scenarios and as the original posterRed has not come back to add anything to the story we’ve no idea if it’s
just a thought for the future to chew over
if they are all going together
if the children are invited but don’t want to go
We know nothing it’s just catastrophizing for something that may or may not happen in 5 years time

"Have your parents been talking about moving when you're both out of the house? I wonder if they will really do that. So much can change! What do you think about that?" If they share they are scared or sad, perhaps reassure them that as many reponders have noted, 1) it may be to a fun place for them to vacation, and 2) but much can change. Perhaps give concrete examples if unexpected change from their lives. Maybe even fun examples, like, "I never thought I'd get a dog!" I'd also mention, "Nana will be here!". Good luck.

We rented our house out for 7 months to rent in Françe, my son was 24, he was very comfortable here, it gave him the extra nudge out of our nest.
We see him, his family, my daughter, who left home at 18 and grandchildren frequently, all live locally, they loved visiting us when we were across the water for a few years.

I don't know the circumstances but if the DC are provided for, have a support system such as DGP in place they won't feel abandoned and may embrace their new independence.

One of these DC will be 23. When I was 23, I was married with 2 children and we had bought our first house 500 miles from his DP and 50 miles from my DM who all worked fulltime.

Why hasn't Red come back and answered some of the questions here?

I'd talk to your daughter and her husband.

There are a lot of hard-hearted Hannahs on this thread! For those saying it's fine, they can stand on their own two feet - where are the girls going to live? It's extremely difficult for young people to live independently in the UK now. Rents are extortionate, student funding won't suffice, jobs are hard to get.

For those thinking they can join their parents when they're ready - not necessarily. Many countries who'll let you in as a child under 18 if you're accompanying your parents will NOT allow you permanent entry as an adult unless you meet their immigration requirements.

It's poor taste and poor parenting for these adults to discuss this in front of their kids.

Abandonment is a strong term. I assume the children can move with them when they go abroad, if they wish to. A lot of children, like mine, made a fuss about having their own rooms when we downsized, but after getting jobs after university, never properly returned!! I love them to bits, but still have empty rooms!!

I presume they'd have a choice, to go with the parents or stay behind.

Presumably they want the younger one to complete their education.
DD has a friend whose parents emigrated when she was 16 (actually, the mother was from that country but had dual nationality). The girl completed her schooling, staying with a host family, then went out to join her parents.

Grammaretto

I'm glad that there are a few on here who think like I do.

You aren't abandoning your children, surely, you are looking forward to travel and a new phase in your own lives as they no longer need you.
Ofcourse your parents are still an ear to listen and a place to stay but whether you go to university or start a career, at 18 you are usually ready to leave the parental home.

All 4 of my DC have careers, have married (bar one who doesn't believe in it) had children of their own, and have moved away.

They still come and see me and often speak on the phone.

Now at last I am downsizing and they are all encouraging me to have an
easier time in my retirement/old age.

It's interesting to watch them with their own DC. Are they going to allow them the freedom we as parents allowed them?

It is one thing for the children to leave the parental home if the parents stay behind. It is far different for the parents to move away abroad once their children reach 18.

Lilyflower

Don’t go. Be nice but say no. Your DH won’t go in his own. Who would wash his socks and cook his dinner? If more bullying and bluster. Stay firm. Your wee granddaughter need you.

I think you haven't understood the OP, Lilyflower, the OP is Grandmother, the parents are talking about going.

Grammaretto

It's apparent that we all think differently. Ofcourse I would give my DC and DGC a roof if ever they needed it but we brought them up to be independent and they all are.
Sometimes I am sad to have DS2 so far away in NZ and his family but we gave them wings when they left the nest and they flew!

Roots and wings, Grammaretto!

Actually, we bought them backpacks 😀

Spinnaker

I'd be having a word with your daughter. Does she think children stop needing their parents when they get to a certain age ? How thoughtless and hurtful - especially at a time when they're getting to grips with becoming young adults. Last thing they need is to feel abandoned.

Well, many go off travelling, off to university, find a job and never actually live at home again.

Ignore not if more

Don’t go. Be nice but say no. Your DH won’t go in his own. Who would wash his socks and cook his dinner? If more bullying and bluster. Stay firm. Your wee granddaughter need you.

I'm glad that there are a few on here who think like I do.

You aren't abandoning your children, surely, you are looking forward to travel and a new phase in your own lives as they no longer need you.
Ofcourse your parents are still an ear to listen and a place to stay but whether you go to university or start a career, at 18 you are usually ready to leave the parental home.

All 4 of my DC have careers, have married (bar one who doesn't believe in it) had children of their own, and have moved away.

They still come and see me and often speak on the phone.

Now at last I am downsizing and they are all encouraging me to have an
easier time in my retirement/old age.

It's interesting to watch them with their own DC. Are they going to allow them the freedom we as parents allowed them?

Yeah Macadia - I’ve come across a few families like that. We had one living next door to us - thought we were weird cause we didn’t throw them out at 18. 😂

When I was a child, it was very much known that on our 18th birthday we had to completely move out, leave the home and start our own lives. We used the years before turning eighteen to prepare for that day and Oh, how happy we were to finally turn 18 and get out !

When my DIL was 18 her parents told her in a year’s time when her father was 60 they were going to move from the Midlands and retire to Cornwall.
My DiL was the youngest of their 4 children and I think they’d reached the stage where they tired of bringing up a family and wanted to get back to following their own dreams.
At that time she had only been going out with my son for a few months.
I could tell she was anxious about this and at one point my son asked if she could come and live with us as she’d be homeless.
Although obviously I said nothing I thought it was quite selfish of her parents to leave like this - I thought they could have given their youngest a few more years to be settled as she had a job and wasn’t sure whether to go to Uni or not. They said she could move with them but she didn’t want to be taken away from everything she knew here.
In the end she did go to Uni (I think it felt it gave her stability and somewhere to live) and they moved the following December.
Fast forward 3 years - she got her degree and came back to the Midlands and set up home with my son.
Then she started to get anxiety and panic attacks and one day confided in me that she had never really got over the feeling of being ‘abandoned’ by her parents.
It took a couple of years before she got over this mental health problem so it definitely affected her.

I know a lot are saying that by the time they are 23&18 they will not need parents, but a 13 year is unable to grasp that concept yet, even at 18 they want a bit of stability, and the feeling that your parents are there for you. All this talk of leaving in the future can be very destabilizing for them. Do you want /are able to offer some stability if the parents do go? I would probably say when it is mentioned again in front of you and the children that 5 years is a long way away and a lot can happen in that time or If you feel able to speak to your daughter mention that you think the girls are getting upset and feeling a little bit pushed out by this constant talk of moving away and perhaps they should keep the planning for when it is just her and her DH. I have a work friend who for years planned that her and DH where going to live in France as soon as they retired, they would look at houses online and when they were there on holidays, researched the area they wanted to live. It never happened first elderly parents got in the way, then their own health became an issue.

Wow! Didnt any of you start your own lives in your teens? I was married at 18. Never expected nor got another penny from the parents. Too much mollycoddling to my mind these days. My kids likewise left home then returned to save up enough money to go travelling the world.