Unannounced visits !

I miss my mum too - she died when I was quite young - half a lifetime ago.
I too would have loved my children to have known and loved her and to have shared jolly times (and sad) times with her for longer.

My oldest two remember her for her excitement and delight with everything they did - the third and fourth not so clearly and the youngest not at all.
She was a strong, happy, wild, creative, caring, generous and kind (to absolutely everyone) and supremely loving person - who also would have driven me bonkers if she had dropped in all the time.

I know she would have overridden her "considerate" gene to see my babies - had she lived close enough to just drop in.

She loved me (and my family) 100% and I know, like all good mums, would have given up everything for us.

Please, those of you who don't understand the need for down time , try to be kind to those who feel they need it.

We lived next door to mil for 40 years and she would frequently come in unannounced. She had a knack of doing it when we were in the middle of a serious discussion (or disagreement) and would then take offence if we didn't greet her enthusiastically.
It was the main reason I was desperate to move when we retired

Guess everyone has different takes on it.

It's still like that in my village. I would ring my son first because he works from home, but friends are always popping in and are very welcome. We just carry on with what we are doing. No one is lonely here, we look out for each other. Life is short and there are no jobs more important than friends and family. If the OP doesn't like it that's her choice but doesn't seem worth a family rift, and some of the suggestions on here are unkind and bizarre.

I have said it once, and I will say it again. This thread is full of passive aggression.

The fact that your mother is dead and you would give anything to have her just call in just once again is utterly irrelevant to this thread. For most of us our mothers have died and most of us would love to see them just once more.

It would have driven me nuts to have had anyone, whether a close much love relation, friend or neighbour, dropping in whenever they pleased. If I had set myself a task for the day, for example doing decorating while both children were having an afternoon nap. The last thing I wanted was anyone, even my mother 'just dropping in'

We are in the process of moving to live quite close to our daughter. The one thing I will not be doing is just walking across the fields to call in casually during my daily walk, or because DH is off doing something and I need company. I have more respect for her. She works from home several days a week and has just moved into a house requiring a lot of work, and if she has decided that she will decorate a room over a weekend, or lay a wood floor. She doesn't want me calling in unannounced and ruining her plans. It is no failure of love if that happens.

Likewise, I do not want her calling in on us every time she goes to the supermarket because we live close to it. We too may have plans that she would kibosh if she arrived unannounced.

It is a question of mutual love shown by treating each other with respect.

It's a really difficult one, as I hear your dilemma & you've obvious got limited emotional energy with all your commitments 🥰 & it sounds like your mum is draining/irritating ! The suggestion to give a time frame/cake is a good one to try, but I don't really think your mum is going to change now so not really sure what you do, apart from thinking "breathe, it will pass" & just keep locking the doors!!

I miss my mother she was wonderful but why is there an assumption on this thread that everyone's family dynamics are the same as theirs and all mothers were a positive force. I'd have thought we'd have all realised by know inter family relationships can be very complicated. There's nothing wrong in operating an open house if that's what you want, equally there's nothin̈g wrong in wanting to retreat behind closed doors to have time alone for the reasons very well explained on this thread by both Doodledog and Dickens. Over on MN I've read time and time again the calling round unannounced, especially with new baby, or just wanting some peace and quiet is not received well by those that post their feelings, it can be disruptive.

Doodledog

Honestly, I think there are a lot of crossed wires on this thread.

IMO, wanting time to oneself is not synonymous with not caring, casually judging, not loving, dropping a family member or anything similar. Nor does it mean that someone wouldn't be there for anyone who needed them.

It just means that people can have a cuddle with their husband, watch rubbish on TV, stay in pyjamas all morning (or all day if they like), leave the washing up for tomorrow or whatever, and not feel judged. Those who have families who don't judge should think themselves lucky, and not sit in judgement on those whose families are different.

Also, people are all different - extroverts recharge by being in constant company, and introverts need time alone to recharge theirs. Neither is right or wrong.

Well said Doodledog.

People's lives can be complicated; sometimes that 'time to yourself' can be crucial to getting things done - so that you're not working late into the night because a family member has commandeered the time you allotted to 'life' admin...

My late ex and I were working through a very difficult time in our relationship and used to sometimes finish work early in order to talk things through before our son came home from work. The cheery "it's only me" as my mother let herself in to our flat really wasn't welcome at such times, and I loved her very much.

I would always have accommodated her as she was lonely and living on her own, but a quick 'phone call from her and I would've suggested a later time, and, in an emergency, then I would always have made time for her, regardless.

There's some emotional guilt-tripping on here...

ExDancer

I'm 86 and come from a generation where it was perfectly normal to 'pop in' to neighbours, friends, family without prior arrangement. The visits weren't formal, no-one cared if you were in the middle of ironing or baking a cake, you just carried on with what you were doing.
You had a cuppa and a chat, (and you continued ironing etc) then she went home. The visits could last 20 minutes or 2 hours, it didn't matter and stay at home housewives (which we mainly were in those days) were seldom lonely.
I miss it.

Reminds me of my childhood - and I'm 15 years younger than you - and I miss it too

Those of you who moan about mothers who just drop by unannounced just do not realise what you have! And it’s blooming well annoying to read!!! I would give anything for my mam to come and visit. She died back in 2009. 😭

Almost needs a mediator. Someone else who can communicate to both daughter and mother so daughter can stop repeating herself and mother can practice respecting another adult's privacy.

Every one has a mobile these days, so why don’t people text fam/friends to give a heads up that they want to visit.
We have had family visit from as far as Chester, no warning, because they fancied a drive up.

I speak to my mum two or three times a day, also pop round to hers most days. The visits I could do without are hubbys two mates, one looks through the window, the other used to come 9pm & stay to well after midnight. He didn’t get the “ wind the clock up & put the cat out” 🙄 I had to Tell him, we are on our way to bed when he visited-partly why I ended up with a ring doorbell.

pably15

my mum popped in every day ,and always had a smile on her face, and when I got a part time job she was there to open the door for my children when they came home from school, oh what I'd give to see her one more time coming past my window

Thats fine, because it suited you both, the question is the problems that arise, when someone pops in at times that are really inconvenient and cannot be made to understand that the other person would prefer some notice.

I work from home. I have things going on that, if interrupted can mess with my entire schedule.

What someone wants to do in my home (visit) isn’t more important than what I need (not to be interrupted).

I find it incredibly rude to impose yourself on someone without warning. It sends the message of, “what I want is more important than anything you have going on” imo, and is completely disrespectful.

I get that others feel differently, which is totally fine, it’s when you force your way of doing things on others, despite having been told no (as with OP’s mother) that there’s a problem. Why on earth should OP’s mother override OP in her own home?

Loving someone doesn’t mean they get to do whatever they like and you have to accept it.

Personally, OP, I’d quit allowing her in. “I’m not available to visit, I’ll call to arrange something.” Your mother continues to do as she likes because it works. If dropping in didn’t work, she’d quit doing it. You’ve asked, repeatedly. So now it’s time to enforce your boundaries and make your no mean something

my mum popped in every day ,and always had a smile on her face, and when I got a part time job she was there to open the door for my children when they came home from school, oh what I'd give to see her one more time coming past my window

DollyD

I’m in complete agreement with you regarding your Dm calling round whenever she wants, after being told by you to ring first. She’s entitled snd rude in my opinion.
You say she would throw a tantrum if you told her at the door that it wasn’t convenient. She sounds quite unhinged and the tantrums are obviously how she has always got her own way, as you say all the family tiptoe around her in fear of her having a meltdown.
So, if she’s going to have a tantrum, let her and ignore her. That is the only way she will learn that the world does not revolve around her and her wants.

I totally agree with this, but easier said than done when it is your own mum

Ditto I never bothered. My FIL used to just pop in when driving his taxi...Loved it

Poppyred

Just keep the doors locked! I hate anyone calling unannounced!

So do I even though I love alley family and friends, but I work from home, I just can't stop. My visits are always pre-arranged or I can't function.
I would never visit anyone either without an invitation and never invite myself.
This is how I was brought up and continue to do.

I too wished that my Dear Mum was still here to pop in.

If the doorbell or hairy woof alarm goes off, I quickly put on my coat.
If its someone I love or like, then I've just got in but if it's someone I don't want to entertain then I'm just going out. This cunning ploy stops anyone getting hurt and also means that I'm a happy bunny. 😊

I think this is a bit of a generational issue. When we didn’t have telephones ( let alone mobiles) relatives who lived away turned up unexpectedly at mu mum and dad’s. My sister and I have had to try and re-educate our brother and his wife that turning up as and when they feel like it can be a bit annoying when a quick text is all that is needed. We have an unwritten rule in our family “are you open for coffee “ text which has worked very well all these years. Even my sister and I use it and we live next door to each other!!

We are always happy to see anyone who comes round it is nice to think they want to spend some time with us. We have 5 children and they all have a front door key to our house and we have front door keys to their houses . All the children and grandchildren know they come round at any time and we know we can do the same with them, we live on the seafront and have always said they can use our house as a base while they are on the beach, if I am in the middle of something they all know where the coffee / tea is kept so they help themselves. My mother is 96 next week and up until a month ago would just pop in for a quick chat and a coffee and then sometimes come back in the afternoon , at her age I make the most of these visits as time is precious at her age.

As I am writing this my eldest grandson and his friend have come round to go surfing , I like to think they have just come to see us but the free car parking and warm drink when they finish surfing might be the main reason they are here

I’m in complete agreement with you regarding your Dm calling round whenever she wants, after being told by you to ring first. She’s entitled snd rude in my opinion.
You say she would throw a tantrum if you told her at the door that it wasn’t convenient. She sounds quite unhinged and the tantrums are obviously how she has always got her own way, as you say all the family tiptoe around her in fear of her having a meltdown.
So, if she’s going to have a tantrum, let her and ignore her. That is the only way she will learn that the world does not revolve around her and her wants.

I think it is projection Doodle Dog. Because they allow it, and like it, it must be the only way things are done. I am quite positive that some of these commenters have never had a toxic family member as the OP does.

It does not matter what anyone else thinks how they do things, the OP has said that the behavior makes her uncomfortable and has asked it to stop. The Op has asked for tips on how to combat the behavior and many posters are piling on the guilt for not allowing the bad behavior in the first place. The OP has said that this is long time behavior, her brother has also had enough and her mother will throw a tantrum is she doesn't get her way. No one has to accept that behavior.