Unannounced visits !

This is really something that depends on your relationship. My mum didn't live close enough to do this but I wouldn't have minded if she had. My daughters pop in now and again but they work full time so not often, but they did frequently when kids were at school and they either didn't work or did part time. If your relationship is different you have to deal with it on your terms.

Elowen33

I would phone her and make an arrangement to visit adding that from now on you want the visits to be arranged as you do not like the way it has been with the casual dropping in. If she does turn up unannounced open the door and say its not convenient and you will arrange something later.

It will be an awkward 2 minute conversation or this will go on forever.

Elowen33 she would kick off !! Massively. Shes known to throw almighty tantrums if things don’t go her way.

But you’ve all made me realise I need to stand my ground. We all try not to upset her because of her tendency to flip - but it’s actually really upsetting me. I work long shifts. Look after my granddaughter, which I love, and yes, I’m sometime tired and I do like my space, or a nap with the bubba 🤣 so these unannounced visits need to stop. I’m 99% sore there will be one tomorrow. I’m ready !

I would phone her and make an arrangement to visit adding that from now on you want the visits to be arranged as you do not like the way it has been with the casual dropping in. If she does turn up unannounced open the door and say its not convenient and you will arrange something later.

It will be an awkward 2 minute conversation or this will go on forever.

imaround

This is about boundaries. Ignore the guilt laden posts about not having mom's and such. No one has to put up with bad behavior no matter who it is.

She is being disrespectful. Of your time. Of the fact that you have asked her to stop and plan ahead. Of the fact that the toddler needs a routine.

My suggestion is to make it so she can't let herself in. And then don't let her in if she doesn't call ahead. Plan a visit once a week, or however often is acceptable to you both, and then stick to it on your end.

She will eventually learn.

Thank you - you’re spot on !

Tell her if she does it just once more you will never speak to her again. And mean it!

This is about boundaries. Ignore the guilt laden posts about not having mom's and such. No one has to put up with bad behavior no matter who it is.

She is being disrespectful. Of your time. Of the fact that you have asked her to stop and plan ahead. Of the fact that the toddler needs a routine.

My suggestion is to make it so she can't let herself in. And then don't let her in if she doesn't call ahead. Plan a visit once a week, or however often is acceptable to you both, and then stick to it on your end.

She will eventually learn.

Thanks for explaining, long shifts.
You shouldn’t have to, but locking gates/doors seems the only way other than going out more so you’re not there.

Yes you’re right @lixy, she doesn’t do time keeping at all. It’s when it fits in with her busy social life. We invited her for Christmas dinner a couple of years ago. She turned up an hour after we said we would be eating. I expected her to come an hour before we ate. Not after. She said oh I’m not that hungry I’ve eaten. Turns out she got a better offer. I’ve not invited her since.

Anyone doing something they've been asked on numerous occasions not to do is unacceptable.

I would have pretended to be out lol

I don’t always answer the door if I’m on my own, so I can hide. Not as easy with and excited toddler who wants to help open the door 🤣

Trouble is she will go round the back and try the back door. I’ve even started locking the back gate now which I shouldn’t have to do.

Children, friends, neighbours often pop in unannounced.
My only problem is that very often I am still in my nightie.
I once noticed my d.I.l.s parents pulling up on the drive. I ran to get into my day clothes, tripped on the clothes airer , hit my head on the door frame ……..did not have time to get changed. Fortunately, they were dropping off something and had no time to stay .
Ofcourse, I did not tell them of my mishap.

@jaxjacky normally do 3 x 15 hour days. So 45 hours. Sometimes I do 37.5 which is 2 and a half of my 15 hour shifts/days.

@doodledog exactly !!! You put it better than me I’m not saying she can’t visit, I’d just like a quick call or text first.

@jaxjacky normally do 3 x 15 hour days. So 45 hours. Sometimes I do 37.5 which is 2 and a half of my 15 hour shifts/days.

So this is why I like my time to myself. Or with my granddaughter and I like to know when she’s about to turn up. She often says ‘I was passing’ or ‘just in my way to…..’ it’s like a battle now. I’m sure she does it to be in control, she’s not gonna let me dictate to her when she can and can’t turn up. As I said, she does what she wants regardless of whether it suits anyone else.

We did fall out - a few times over her behaviour - and I have mentioned it and told her not to just turn up, she actually said I’m your mother il do what I like. And that’s that.

I see why people think I’m mean, but I think unless you have lived with a parent like this, it’s hard to understand not wanting them to just turn up. It’s my rule for her, just let me know before you come please, I’m not saying you can’t come - just please let me know when you intend to. But rules don’t apply to her on her world. And she doesn’t ask in case I say no. She did ask once, and I said we are just going to have her morning nap, I’ll text you when we are up. I didn’t text within a couple of hours so she turned up anyway and woke baby up. It suited her to come then and not later as she had plans

DsNanny

And I know you all think I’m being mean - well most of you. But it’s been going on for years, and the more I ask her not to. The more she does it

No, I don't think it's mean. If your mum knows you don't like it, why can't she just call or text first, so you get a bit of warning? You clearly have different views on this, but hers aren't more important than yours. Just because she doesn't mind droppers in, doesn't give her the right to insist that you tolerate it too.

I don't like droppers in either, and I wouldn't do it to others. If I find myself passing - or more to the point, if I realise I am near someone I know well, as we don't just appear on a particular street - I would give them a quick call to ask if it's convenient for me to visit. Our homes are our sanctuaries, and we have a right to privacy if we want it. Those who don't care about it aren't wrong, but they are no more 'right' either. It's not about loving someone - it's just different tolerance of having our space to ourselves at times, and our feelings respected.

I think I would move to an undisclosed address.

Next time she drops by give her a duster and tin of polish or the stuff for cleaning the bathroom and crack on with what you’re doing.

And I agree with others…….I wish my Mum could pop in uninvited……….I miss her everyday

Too much virtue signaling and passive aggression in this thread. I am all with the DsNanny.

Not wanting your mother dropping in any time of the day or night does not mean you do not love her, you probably love her dearly, but you would actually have more time for her if her visits were planned and expected and be able to give her more attention.

I do not know what you can do. Keep the external doors shut and not answer if she is not expected. 73 is not old and she clearly has all her faculties, so she has no excuses for this behaviour. In fact I think she is doing it deliberately because she knows it irritates you and winds you up, so I actually think that keeping the external doors locked when you and your grandchild are not playing outside, is probably the best tactic.

It will not be easy, but at the same time, invite her round at specific times, until she gets the message. You must fight a narcissist withbtheir own weapons.

DsNanny I don’t think you are being mean; popping in as you describe it would drive me to distraction. I am fortunate that my family know and respect that.

Notspaghetti’s idea of setting an agreed time is worth trying, though I suspect your mum will regard timings as ‘flexible’.

How do you work full time, 37hrs? Then look after your grandchild for three days and have Sundays off?

Can you "book her in" formally when you have your grandchild over?
Say "would you like to join us for mid-morning coffee and biscuits on Thursday- at about 11?"

Something like that.
Maybe you can nudge her into an acceptable time slot.. 🤞

I loved my mum dearly and had a really lovely relationship with her. She would, however, have annoyed me no end if we'd lived close enough for her to "pop in" though!
She would have wanted to "help" all the time and driven me bonkers.

...I do wish she had lived long enough to see my children grow up though.
🙁

And I know you all think I’m being mean - well most of you. But it’s been going on for years, and the more I ask her not to. The more she does it

I understand you all saying, I wish I had mum mum to pop in still. I don’t have my dad and miss him terribly. But I have a different relationship with my mum. We have never been close, not like I am with my daughter and my friends with their mums.

My children and their children are welcome to pop in as they haven’t long left home and I still see it as their home.

My brother feels the same, he doesn’t like it and has made it clear. she is judgemental of our homes, our children, our work. And to be honest I don’t want her turning up whenever she feels like it.

She also thinks if she has an excuse to come like dropping something off, she doesn’t have to check or inform us first. It’s a free pass .

Oh for my dearest Mum to open our door and say ‘hello darl’
I’d give anything.

Wish my mum could pop in I d love it
be careful what you wish for